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Psyayeaye?
Topic Started: Jun 20 2012, 06:54 PM (763 Views)
Vaporeon
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Vaporeon
After setting out from Silex Amber decided to head north and check out the Abandoned Village. After walking for about 20 minutes Vulpix and Amber came to a split in the path. Amber, unsure of which way to go, told Vulpix, "Alright I don't know which way to go so you pick." Vulpix looked around for a minute and then started walking up the path on the right, Amber following close behind. 

They were walking for about 15 minutes when Vulpix stopped dead in her tracks. Alarmed by this, Amber asked, "What's wrong, Vulpix? Something coming?" Vulpix then began to growl, seemingly for no reason, at least, until the Psyduck showed up out of no where! The Psyduck looked at Amber and Vulpix with the most puzzled look on its face. Amber looked at the Psyduck as she debated catching it. She decided to go for it as she pulled out a pokeball. 

Amber threw the ball in the air and shouted, "Go! Pikachu!" and thus a red light shined and when it disappeared Pikachu was there. "Pikachu, quick attack on the Psyduck! Now!" Pikachu charged into the Psyduck fast as she could knocking him back a good 5-6 inches. Pikachu stared puzzled as Psyduck reacted by running in circles saying, "PSY AYE AYE AYE AYE!!!" Both Amber and Pikachu lost concentration watching surprised as the Psyduck ran in circles. Amber just kept staring like, "what the fuck is it doing..?" When, finally, Amber regained her concentration she yelled out, "Try a quick attack again Pikachu! Knock Psyduck down!" Pikachu shook her head and the began charging at the Psyduck full speed, but missed and hit her head on a tree. "chahhhhh!" Pikachu cried out in pain. "Pikachu are you okay?!" Amber shouted. Pikachu responded with a "Piika!" and jumped up again. "Good ! Try it once more!" and so Pikachu aimed just ahead of Psyduck's path and charged at full speed again, hitting the Psyduck directly knocking it back. The Psyduck fell over and knocked his head on a rock and the "PSYYY!" as Psyduck jumped up running faster in circles crying out could have been heard a mile away! Pikachu and Amber exchange looks of "uhhhhh" and then the crying and running stoped randomly and they both look at Psyduck. Psyduck's eyes turn a blue color and Pikachu became consumed in a blue light film and was thrown against a tree. "kaaaa!" Pikachu cried out as Amber yelled "Pikachu!" Amber ran over to Pikachu who got up slowly, but ready to fight. Amber smiled a little bit and looked over to the Psyduck who was looking at them with the same puzzled look he had before the first attack. "Alright I don't want that to happen again try to paralyze it with a thunder wave!" Pikachu's cheeks started to surge with sparks and then Pikachu said "Chuuu!" sending the sparks at the Psyduck paralyzingly it! 

"Now's my chance!" Amber said as she reached into her satchel grabbing a pokeball. Amber pressed the button enlarging the ball and threw it at the Psyduck saying, "GO! Pokeball!" The ball bounced off the Psyduck's head, letting a red light out that consumed the Psyduck dragging it into the ball. After a minute Amber, Vulpix, and Pikachu walked over to it. Amber picked it up and looked at it for a moment then smiled and turned her attention to Pikachu saying, "Great work Pikachu!" Amber opened her satchel and put the Psyduck's ball in and pulled Pikachu's from the satchel, pushed the button and held it out to Pikachu. "Return." Amber said as a red light came from the ball, consuming Pikachu and putting her back into the ball. Amber then shrunk the ball down putting it back in her satchel smiling.

"Well, that's not what I had in mind but it was great nun the less! Anyway it'll be dark soon so let's head back to Silex." Amber said as she turned and started walking in the opposite direction they had came. Vulpix followed right behind. After walking for 20minutes it started to get dark, and the boy from Silex that started the fight in the restaurant showed his face. 

"Well well," he began, "How's that Vulpix of yours doing?" The boy reached into his pocket and pulled out a pokeball throwing it up in the air. "Come on Squirtle! Use a water gun on the Vulpix!" the boy shouted as a red light dropped the Squirtle. 

Amber quickly picked up her Vulpix and turned around as the Water gun pounded on her back. Amber lost her balance for a moment and stumbled forward, but the water gun stopped before she fell. Once the water gun subsided Amber turned around to face to guy still holding Vulpix close. "What in blazes name is wrong with you!?" Amber shouted at the boy.

"Wrong with me?! You're the one that picked Vulpix up instead of letting it take a hit! No wonder your Pokemon are so weak!" the boy shouted back to her. 

"They are not weak. And mine are at least healthy. It looks like your Squirtle hasn't been to a pokemon center in weeks!" Amber argued back as she began to feel rageful, "And while I'm at it, I wonder Pikachu wasn't great for you because she is just perfect for me!"

"Ohh really now?" the boy began seeming like he was ready to fight, "Let's battle and prove just how good that pathetic thing is!"

Amber's face went red as she fought back the idea of putting Pikachu into another battle then shouted out, "No way! Unlike you I give my pokemon rest! They do all the work even if we get most the credit. Sooner you learn that the better!" 

"Yeah, yeah," the boy began as though he didn't listen to a word she said, "I'm ready for a battle, so it's either Pikachu or the nice little Vulpix, your choice. And think fast! Squirtle water gun again!" 

Amber quickly turned around still holding Vulpix and let the water pound on her back again, this time, however, she wasn't so lucky and fell. She held Vulpix close and protected her from the fall. Once the water gun subsided Amber stood up for a second and looked at the boy. "Just who do you think you are!?" she yelled at the boy. 

He promptly responded, "I am Alexander Jolt and you best remember that name when I beat your ass!" 

"Well, Alex," began Amber, "I am not going to battle. I'm leaving okay?! Now back off!" Amber began walking hoping he would step off but instead he had other ideas.

"Oh no you don't! Squirtle, use water gun!" Alex commanded. Amber took off running but wasn't fast enough. The water gun hit at her knees ad she fell, also dropping Vulpix. Vulpix got up quickly as Amber slowly got back up, seemingly injured. Vulpix turned to Alex and let out an ember. The flares caught onto his clothes lighting him up causing enough of a distraction for Amber and Vulpix to disappear into the darkness. They ran for atleast 10 minutes before they reached the entrance of the town. 

"Well we made it." Amber said still out of breath. Amber started to rub her back then looked down at Vulpix and smiled and said, "That was a bit of a pain, come on let's head to the Pokemon center for the night!" and with that Vulpix and Amber took off to the Pokemon Center. 
Edited by Vaporeon, Jun 21 2012, 07:42 PM.
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Sonny
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Denied.

I'm sorry, but that's barely enough for a couple BP, much less a capture, even lesser a starter. Squirtles are rare, one would not simply just pop in out of nowhere like that. Or, if it did, you'd have to have a nice and interesting story for the capture following.

And the battles were too short; only a few attacks and barely any description. Nope.avi, sorry

Also, I know you can't get on your computer right now, but I really suggest you try to work a bit on the post format itself, or just write it down on paper and type them when you can get a more comfortable way to type. It's not badly writen, but it feels weird, the reading feels rushed and not really descriptive enough, specially the reactions the trainers have.

*Scratches head* Sorry ,but that's about it. You can always try to edit your post to earn yourself that squirtle and some BP, I hope that helps if you decide to do so
Sonny
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Vaporeon
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That's fine, I am still learning so the constructive criticism is good =P and I really need to find out which pokemon are concidered rare or not T.T And Ofc I will edit this =P and I won't move onto another post untill this one is made well. =] part of the learning is the fixing ;D
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Key2dawn
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Also, just to throw this out there, try to separate the dialogue. Towards the end I found the argument between Amber and the boy to be confusing. When you're switching between speakers, it's better to make the next speaker's dialogue an entirely different paragraph. In the case of your solo's end, it would look like this:

"Squirtle!! Are you alright?!" the boy asked his squirtle. He then turned his attention to Pikachu and Amber. "Give my Pikachu back now!" the boy demanded as if he deserved the Pikachu anyway.

Amber quickly responded, "YOUR Pikachu? Who are you kidding ?? You ditched her and left her for dead and you think you diserve the Pokemon?! Get your wad strait! Pikachu has always been a good Pokemon your just a bad trainer."

"WHO ARE YOU TO CALL ME A BAD TRAINER?! I'm ten times the trainer you are! I just don't keep weak Pokemon! Now give back my Pikachu!"

"you just don't get it do you? I'm done here your pathetic." Amber held the pokeball out and said for Pikachu to return and thus a red light consumed the Pikachu returning her to the pokeball. "let's go Vulpix" amber said turning and walking away.


Oh, and I understand that you didn't write this on a computer, but I think you should keep an eye out for spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes. It's a lot to ask for when you're working from an iPod or a phone, I know, but it's worth it. If you force yourself to see all the mistakes on such devices, then it'll be all the easier to avoid them when actually at a computer.

Keep trying, Vaporeon! We say what we do because we hope for improvement and satisfaction from the improvement. The rewards are all the better after having to work so hard. We're rooting for you!
Amethyst
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Vaporeon
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Alright I changed the wild squirtle to a psyduck, and I built on the battle a little. If it wasn't enough please let me know!
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Sonny
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Watch the grammar (Yeah Ipod I know >.> Sorry), Vap.

Anyway, even though Psyduck isn't specially rare we'd like to see something else than just "Here's the ball, you're going in *bling*" xD''

The battle is.. Rushed, really. You're on an IPod, though, so I"ll stop hitting that for now. You mentioned the wild squirtle mid-battle, so I think that's a mistake from before, so you might wanna check it *scratches head* Basically do something more about the psyduck. And making the the battle a bit more descriptive and less confusing would be appreaciated.
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Teh Lady K
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What you need to do, is not think about the thread as happening in order to catch a pokémon. It's never as easy as "There it is, throw a ball, woo it's mine". Think of things from the pokémons point of view, fighting for its freedom and learning to overcome the idea of being caught. You write as though you expect it to all go your way from the start and seem to be working towards a bare minimum.

The battle too, don't do it like the games where if you get one super effective move off, you've just won. Play with it, make it more dynamic. Use two moves in a row to catch the other off guard and use strange movements and combos to dodge what is thrown at you. Write as much as you can. If you end up writing an amazing long story line with details and twists and such you'll be on your way to getting your dream Eevee in no time. Don't worry about it if it's getting long, we enjoy reading them just as much as any other c;
Chase
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Vaporeon
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I rewrote it entirely. I hope this is better I tried to take all the advice that was out into these comments and use it. Tell me if I should try anything else =]
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Key2dawn
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I don't believe Pikachu learns Tackle. Also, there's a low chance of Thunder Shock paralyzing its opponent, so how about adding a Thunder Wave? Replace the Tackle, either add Thunder Wave or replace Thunder Shock with Thunder Wave, and you will have a battle on your hands.
Amethyst
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Vaporeon
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T.T I always confuse thunder shock and thunder wave :$

But the fact that's all that was mentioned this time is a very good sign! =D I shall go fix it now =P and google pikachu's attacks =P because I really think pikachu knows tackle :o

Edit: pikachu no know tackle T.T everything I know is a lie D= Even the cake!!
Edited by Vaporeon, Jun 21 2012, 07:35 PM.
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Key2dawn
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I know Pikachu can learn Volt Tackle, but I'm iffy about Tackle. o: Who knows, though? I only keep track of the most recent movepool information. xD
Amethyst
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Vaporeon
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Attack names edited =]
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Key2dawn
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All right, due to how many times you've had to change it, I will give you this Psyduck. Now, for the next Pokemon you decide to capture, I suggest writing a little story to go with it. More interaction with the Pokemon than a battle sounds good; something that will draw the readers in.

I leave it up to you to decide how to interpret that last statement.

On another note, one BP to Pikachu.
Edited by Key2dawn, Jun 21 2012, 07:49 PM.
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Vaporeon
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Okay ^^ I will try =] Though I think the next post will be done by computer. And if not I hope it doesn't suck and my thumbs don't hurt XD
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Teh Lady K
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Also, if you're struggling with pokémon move sets and if they know it or not, there's a site you can use to help c:
http://serebii.net/pokedex-bw/
Chase
Alisha
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Vaporeon
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Lol thank you K =] I've actually got a site I use most of the time when he calls me out on Somt like that =P he is generally right too :$
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