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ITT final boss of the internet
Topic Started: Sep 24 2009, 07:13 PM (1,407 Views)
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LordHuffnPuff
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Wut
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He rides across the nation; the thoroughbred of sin.
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LordHuffnPuff
Sep 25 2009, 12:11 PM
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look at this uncultured fool
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Anyway, so, my cousin (who I'm very close with), worked in a nursing home, and realized a few months back that they didn't follow the proper procedures for disposing of biological waste (human waste, blood taken, etc.) Rather than contacting god-knows-who, getting them shut down and making himself essentially unemployable, he decided to take advantage of the situation (btw, he's a big dumpster diver in his spare time - even been arrested a couple of times), and so he started stealing vials of blood.

Now, I'm not too clear on why he started doing this. So far as I know, he just got bored and started stealing bottles of blood. Anyway, so he called me up one night and asked what to do with half a gallon of human blood. Eventually, we decided to put it in a big ultra-thin latex condom, mix in some soap and insecticide, and hang it from the patio next to a bright light. Worked wonders. Next day, dozens of dead mosquitoes all over the porch.

We probably should have switched to pigs blood at that point, but we weren't sure where to get any, so we basically said '[OVERHEAT] it, don't fix what ain't broken'. It kind of became a competition after that - who could get the most blood. Then, about three months later, he came home with about a gallon and a half of human blood, which was about as much as we normally collected in two weeks or so.

Needless to say, I asked where he'd got it. After explaining that he had not, in fact, killed anyone, he told me that he'd found out that they didn't guard the bodies of the recently deceased. He took me with him the next day, and showed me. The system we ended up working out was as so: the night watchman never came to the... morgue room, I guess? Creeped him out. So, my cousin would come in during business hours, find out which bodies were likely to have an autopsy. After closing time, the two of us would take the others, run a rope over some pipes on the ceiling, and haul the corpses up by their ankles. Then, he'd inject them with an anti-coagulant, use a cattleprod on them a few times to get the stuff distributed, and then stick a pocket knife in their jugular vein. I shoved a bucket under them to collect the drippings.

Now, at this point, we had about, oh, fifty gallons of blood in mostly-used condoms hanging up around my front porch, and the neighbors were starting to comment. I ended up putting paper bags over them and claiming they were part of my religion. Didn't seem to decrease the effectiveness any.

Now, this went on for longer than I'd care to admit. I guess we got careless. Now, you have to understand that this nursing home was grossly understaffed. They'd been having financial issues, had laid off a bunch of staff, and really were not equipped to deal with the narcoleptics, the alcoholics, or the plain old alzheimers cases. So that may explain why I don't recommend this method of pest control.

So, there we were. We'd done this maybe six times before. We were feeling pretty good about it. We swaggered in through the bad lock on the cafeteria door, he used his keys to get us to the morgue room. We grabbed the first corpse, strung it up, drained it, no problems. Grabbed the next one. He wore gloves, tied up the feet, I threw the line over, hauled him up there. We took the gowns off first to avoid blood stains. Now, this was an old man, so his flaccid manhood was bouncing around at belly level. I kid you not, he was hung like a horse. He could have given a horse intestinal tears. I very nearly threw up.

So, as we tied him up, he got an erection. Wasn't the first time one of the old farts had popped a stiffy (it's actually pretty common for the first day or so after death), so we just tried to ignore it, avoid getting smacked in the face with it, and avoid making any kind of eye contact.

We hit him with the anticoagulant, zapped him a couple of times with the cattleprod, and then sat back to let the stuff work. After maybe three minutes, my cousin gets up and stabs him very casually in the throat.

Now, to this day, I have no idea what the [OVERHEAT] happened. My best guess is, a senile old guy forgot where his room was and lay down on one of the tables. The cattleprod must have knocked him out, and the stab wound woken him up. Whatever actually happened, what we ended up with was a screaming, naked old guy, boner flapping in the wind, hanging upside down off the ceiling with a knife sticking out of his neck, thrashing around and splatering blood -everywhere-.

Now, my cousin and I looked at each other, looked at the guy, made eye contact, and then my cousin, my favorite person in the world up till then, made a run for it.

Evidently he forgot to disable the security system on his way out, because he tripped the silent alarm and the police were there within a couple of minutes. Now, I was trying to do the right thing, stop the bleeding, get the guy down, but it was really a two person job. I had somehow ended up grabbing his cock for leverage.

I really don't know what the policeman thought when he rounded the corner and saw me, standing over a bucket of blood next to an old dude tied to the ceiling, bleeding out, with my hand around his boner.

All I know is that, in accordance with my parole agreement, I am required to recommend strongly that you do no, under any circumstances, use this method of pest control. I am not explicity forbidden, however, from telling you that it worked pretty damn well. The local mosquito population has never been the same since.
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Janyel
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five minutes to lunch
tell me more about the brand of insecticide used
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LordHuffnPuff
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I only took ecstasy once. I was king of the speed people, and had run everything but hallucinogens down to boredom. I took acid more than anyone I know, mushrooms like Flinstones chewable vitamins and mescaline the way Chinese men munch on the after dinner mints at the counter in their restaurants. I even took PCP once. But never E.

So this one time, my roommate and my ex-roommate (the lesbian from before) and her new girlfriends all get some E and drop. They start feeling the vibe almost immediately, maybe thirty minutes later and we go to a lesbian bar. This is not the fun you think it is. The two girls go off to a corner to get frisky and my roommate ends up rolling his face off, dry humping a senior citizen dyke against the wall of the club. They both seem to be having a genuinely good time. I haven't felt a thing yet.

So I decide that getting my blood pressure up might help things out. I don't dance, so I tell my friends I'm going home for cigarettes. I sprint the three blocks, and up three flights of stairs to my apartment. I get there, grab smokes and think for a minute about the way LSD tends to react to Vitamin C. Maybe it's just an urban legend, but it always seemed to work for me, and since E was of the same ilk, I decided what the hell. I drank a half-gallon of OJ, ate a bunch of Vitamin C caps we had on hand. I sprinted back to the club. Still nothing.

The friends decide almost immediately to leave and go to another club. I get in the car and they ask if I want to smoke some weed. I'm still not high so I say sure. We pull up to the next club smoking. We park.

Anyone who has ever been in space, or on a roller coaster where you get G-force will understand the feeling I had where my stomach free floats and I drop to the bottom of the earth without my head. I couldn't speak. My friends start laughing and drag me to the front door. This is where the outfit comes into play. I'm wearing a bright orange pair of polyester bell-bottoms, a yellow knit top and a stovepipe hat. I tip the hat and start speaking in a broken Cockney accent saying things like "good day sir" and "blimey."

Inside the club, to the best of my recollection, looks like the cantina from Star Wars. I start spinning and screaming loudly "I'm hooome!!!" I proceed to drink two liters of water in two gulps. I then lie down on my back in the middle of the dance floor.

BOUNCER: "Are you okay?"

shining flashlight


PROTO: "Yes, peace be with you."

BOUNCER: "Uh, you're going to have to get up."

PROTO: "The center of time is here. God's eyes are open on me."

BOUNCER: "What???"

more confused than irritated, people keep dancing around this scene

PROTO: "I said PEACE BE WITH YOU."

enter roommate

PHIL: "He's drunk. Oh, [OVERHEAT], oh [OVERHEAT], he's drunk. "

BOUNCER: "Well, get his ass up then."

I go to a table and wait for the roommate to leave. He warns me about being arrested and tells me we're in a really bad neighborhood. When he leaves, I stand up and feel God rising up in my throat, I scream "Liquid words!!!" and vomit all over myself the water I just drank. I hold a hand up to my mouth to be subtle but only succeed in spraying it around like when you put a thumb over the garden hose mouth.

I wander outside, stovepipe hate and bellbottoms and all and crawl under a car since I'm cold. I realize that I got all muddy doing this and I was stinky from vomit anyways, so I take off my shirt. Now I'm half naked in mid-30s temperatures, half under a car, half on the curb.

People keep asking me if I'm okay but all I can say is from a multiple choice list in my
head:

A) Peace be with you
B) Wipe them out, all of them (in scary Emperor voice from Episode I of Star Wars)
C) You and me, we're in this together now
D) Somebody put [KLOROFOLUN] in my pants

Needless to say, people run from me.

I lie there and see across the street a giant videocassette. It occurs to me in a few minutes, that there are no such things and I look back quickly, like I've just solved a mystery. It turns out it was just a giant baby carriage. Oh. Then it occurs to me that there are no such things, so I look back
quickly and it turns out to be a giant leather couch under a light casting a weird shadow. Oh. Then it occurs to me...

Three and a half hours later, my friends find me, panicked. They slap me and tell me they've been calling everywhere, looking everywhere. My ex-roommate is even crying. They tell me I ruined their trip.

All I can ask is whether or not the warehouse across the street I've been staring at for the past few hours really has paisley curtains on the outside. They just wouldn't go away and it really upset me since I didn't think industrial buildings usually had curtains much less such stylish ones on the outside.

The next day, all day, I watched carts at work play themselves like accordions.

So I never took ecstasy again, needless to say.
Edited by LordHuffnPuff, Sep 27 2009, 01:55 AM.
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When my feet hit the platform, I didn't dare look back.

For a moment I considered jumping on that red-shelled [KLOROFOLUN] to get across, but he never came closer. Just paced back and [OVERHEAT]ing forth in the same gawd damn spot.

There was no way we would make it across together. The moment I realized what had to be done, I acted quickly, before I actually processed what I was about to do. I led Yosh forward and instantly felt her tense up.

She knew.

She knew, and still she did it.

We jumped.

For a moment we felt as light as a feath...dammit where's a [OVERHEAT]ing feather when you need it.

We floated.

We flew.

But what felt like an eternity, was really only a few seconds. I concentrated on that platform to keep my thoughts from killing me. I told myself, "there will be others," but I knew was only cheating myself.

When my feet hit the platform, I didn't dare look back.



The Mushroom Kingdom is a small one, however, and the princess soon heard word of my callous disregard for Yoshi.

Although I rescued her from the evil clutches of Bowser, Princess Peach wanted nothing to do with me.

"You're a horrible person, Mario" cried Peach in fury. "I would sooner be eaten by that foul breathed monster Bowser than spend one more minute with you."

And with that, I had nothing left for which to live.

I threw myself off a platform and plunged into the depths below.

The last thing I saw before the infinite darkness of the void overcame me was the flattened corpse of the creature who had loved me more than life itself.
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Beastmaster
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Why is leeb banned/pretending to be banned?
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LordHuffnPuff
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He isn't pretending, he is banned. And we're not discussing why. Suffice to say he did something very bad, and was fairly punished.
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Paracelsus
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The real question you should ask is how many years/accounts is he going to register to whine about it on a dead board. Bet he's already got at least two.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/earth/hi/earth_news/newsid_8318000/8318182.stm
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