| Welcome to Emerald Hill. We hope you enjoy your visit. You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. Join our community! If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
| Underwear Do's and Don'ts | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: Aug 19 2008, 02:32 AM (184 Views) | |
| Foxby | Aug 19 2008, 02:32 AM Post #1 |
![]()
Emerald Guardian
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
|
All right, this is a tip for all the housewives out there. Make sure to marry as soon as possible so yer daddy can have a real man in the family. Just kidding, but dang, man, I've been sexist lately. ANYWAY. A lot of people seem to be having a problem with this. Mostly just my mom. So my underwear (boxer briefs, for those that are wondering) have been disappearing lately. No idea, maybe I'm getting stalked, maybe I'm throwing them away because I pee in my sleep, maybe Fayt's sneaking in through my window and stealing them for his own purposes, whatever. So Mom's going to the nearest "mall town" (what I refer to as the economic center of a region). I ask her if she can pick some up, yeah, sure, great. So I get the underwear and-- oh, hey, it's some muscular dude with Chris Walken's haircut wearing nothing but the boxer-briefs I'm about to wear. Yeah, that's cool. I'm down with that. I really don't mind seeing mostly-naked guys wearing the same thing I'm about to wear. Even shows me what it's supposed to look like when it's on. Oh, and look, the guy's even got half a boner goin' on. But no, that's not what this rant's about. I just turn the sick freak staring at me from amidst my underwear around, facedown on the bed, and open 'er up from the back. That sounded a bit wrong. Anyway, so I take a look and notice the problem I AM about to rant about. They're a bit on the big side. Now I know people have good intentions-- "Oh yes, they'll grow into them." "Yeah, that gives 'em a bit more room." The truth is, if you have any more room than you need, as soon as you start moving faster than two miles per hour, your ass WILL make an attempt to eat your underwear. People don't seem to understand the physics of that fabric they use to make these things. When the human body sweats, the stuff expands a bit; this means there's more fabric. So we're looking at underwear that was a little big in the first place-- oh hey, add a bit of sweat to it and pretty soon they're the bottom half of long johns, feet included. Your butt-cleavage is just going to have a feast on those things. Now, women, if you're ever married or something and you're picking up underwear for Captain Stud, please, PLEASE don't get him the loosest pair that'll fit him. You think you're doing him a favor but all you're ensuring is that he'll be throwing up pieces of cloth and wondering what the crap happened-- why's there a hole in the back of his undies? I also never understood that flap in the front of underwear. What, am I supposed to pee out of that? Seriously? There's elastic in the waist, Hanes. I can just pull the front down, 'kaythanks. Not to mention if the underwear's too loose in the back, our asses get saggy. Is that what you want, ladies? Saggy asses on the boy toys? Didn't think so. And now I pitch the thought for my latest merchandising: Put Simmons's face on the inner-back of Sarge's underwear, so he can kiss ass at all times. Sorry for all the swearing. =P |
![]()
| |
![]() |
|
| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
| « Previous Topic · Rants · Next Topic » |





![]](http://z4.ifrm.com/static/1/pip_r.png)





7:42 PM Jul 10