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| Holy Emo Rant; Don't read. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 5 2008, 01:33 AM (276 Views) | |
| Foxby | Sep 5 2008, 01:33 AM Post #1 |
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Emerald Guardian
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I don't say this to gain sympathy, I just need to get it out. In fact, please don't read this. For those of you who don't know, I'm on a sort of hunger strike slash silent treatment deal at my father's house; I go to a small bed with thin sheets and a thirteen-inch TV with few, if any, channels. I also live with the knowledge that the man one door down the hallway may be a pedophile. The problem with staying in such a room for 72+ hours at a time is it constantly eats away at your will. I'm losing my will... period. I have no will to live. I have no will to die. I have no will to succeed. I have no will to fail. I believe the word is 'apathy.' I don't care anymore... at all. Years of getting screwed for no reason and the days of straight silence creates a certain tolerance for anything, not to mention is a certain recipe for madness. Which means I'm starting to talk to my characters. I used to do it as a "ha-ha, let's fire up the ol' imagination until That 70's Show comes on," but now I'm starting to skip TV in favor of talking to James and Lance. They're becoming like friends, and less like characters... I don't know if I'm going crazy or not, but a lot of friends would jokingly say I've crossed that barrier long before. The line between reality and fiction is starting to cross; my fear of The Sorrow has made me leave the light on for several nights. My skin is starting to get pale; my stomach growls in class if I spent the previous night at my dad's house. I'm getting dark purple marks below my eyes-- I jokingly look at myself in the mirror and think of a raccoon's mask. This is why I don't want an offline girlfriend. I don't want people to worry. People tend to only look at the mouth and eyes, and little inbetween-- and being of French heritage, I have lively eyes and curls at the corners of my mouth that give me an eternal smirk. But if anyone started to look deeper, it would be too obvious. I don't want people to know. Thankfully for that cause but not for that of my will, the less I care about myself, the less others do; some things never change. I've never been considered for an administrative status in any forum or Gaia guild, I'm getting less and less comments on deviantART... and of course I do nothing to try and help my own cause. I've been hiding behind a mask of perversion and "I-don't-need-help" for so long I don't feel comfortable without it; I fear I'm growing to actually fit the mask I've crafted for myself. So all I've been able to do for a moment's happiness is actively seek out the few things that make it seem like I have a reason to stick around. I look for giftart with such ferocity that either my more generous friends give it out in floods or my other ones turn me away and stop talking to me. That's why I lost my first girlfriend. That's the only other thing that seems to make me happy... women. Perhaps it's the way you flirt, the way you laugh, I don't know. But this is even screwing me more. I'm still in love with my third ex-girlfriend. The problem for her (that she told me anyway) was distance, which is ironically the only way I can keep a girlfriend without them getting scared for me. Sometimes the only thought that keeps me going is that one day I'll be free to move. Maybe I'd be able to move close to her. And maybe she'd even give me a second chance. And yes, I know I've been chasing girls here and there. It's mostly in an attempt to get over her, to find someone more accessible. It makes me a hypocrite... because that's exactly why I got dumped-- for the more accessible one. So I'm stuck in this state of trying to find my will to go on when I clearly have no reason to. There's no bank account that's been earning interest to send me to college, there's no girl I can please and hold and be there for, there's no hidden talent I have to fall back on. As soon as I turn eighteen, I have no options. Good news is, we may be getting away from my father soon. However, he's been known to screw me over on so many occasions I can't imagine what he has in store for me even after I am no longer legally his son. My friend Lucky can attest to this. And then there's something I should share that's been a constant pain for most of my life. I can't eat properly. There are four foods I find appealing; most drinks, meats, potatoes, and chocolate (and several other junk foods). Most other things make me throw up-- it doesn't help that I have an unnaturally thin esophagus. If I eat something, I have to wash it down within about sixty seconds. I can go thirty without gagging. This is mostly due to my mom's genes, I would suppose, as she's similar-- although she doesn't fake having a wider palette. I keep two Capri-Suns in my backpack for emergencies. In other cases there's usually a sink nearby. Thankfully I've gone about six years now without an accident. Maybe I shouldn't post this. Maybe I should just stuff it in a M-Word document and take it to a therapist. I don't know. I just need to get this off my chest somewhere. And don't worry, I'm not gonna go off myself. Like I said... no will to die. |
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| L Lawliet | Sep 5 2008, 01:40 AM Post #2 |
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Apparently more annoying than Foxby. o.o
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Dude...I didn't think you had it that hard. I'm sorry...if there's anything I can do to help, feel free to tell me. |
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| Fayt | Sep 5 2008, 01:56 AM Post #3 |
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1. I read the whole thing, including ther last sentence so there is no need to reply to this but, if you ever do have the will to die... i swear to god im going to kick your ass in the afterlife. 2. second off, because you appear to be suffering from psychological dysfunction as well as malnutrition... I recon itd be pretty easy to have this bastard erased from your life alltogether. Hes the cause of all this hell youve been going though, im sure it will hold up in court. Sorry to hear about all this Foxby, I'm usually on in case you want someone to talk to. |
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| Kappy | Sep 5 2008, 06:14 AM Post #4 |
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LOL!
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Your dad must be an idiot or cruel..I'll go with the latter. I highly advise you take this rant in to a therapist, actually. It might really help you. Hope all goes well for ya, dude. And like Fayt and L, I'm usually on Skype during the day now, so feel free to talk to me! |
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My DeviantArt page My YouTube page | |
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| L Lawliet | Sep 5 2008, 09:41 AM Post #5 |
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Apparently more annoying than Foxby. o.o
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They're right, dude, you should take this to a therapist...it might help a lot. |
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| Zoden | Sep 5 2008, 07:10 PM Post #6 |
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HAT OF HAPPINESS!!!
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I agree with the above. Sadly, my life hasn't ever really been that hard... But what you say sounds like hell. I hope you can feel better someday soon. |
"Creation happens but once. Destruction and Rebirth are eternal."
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| Maria Viola | Sep 5 2008, 11:16 PM Post #7 |
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Some Random Gal
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Blargh, I know Fayt gave us info about how your doing, but I can't help but be concerned D: Everybody here at EH cares about ya, y'know? All of us could probably fuse together and be your guardian angel or something...I even drew a picture of it for you! See?: ![]() We're all hoping for the best, Foxby! Let's all work towards a bright future, nya! |
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| Foxby | Sep 7 2008, 08:07 PM Post #8 |
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Emerald Guardian
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First of all, thanks for the kind words, everyone. Secondly, Zoden, did you SERIOUSLY say it's sad that your life doesn't suck? Anyway, all of this CRAP should clear up in a month or three. x.x I'll finally be the fark outta here. I'll do just about anything to avoid therapists. It's really not my thing. : / Oh, and thanks Fayt. |
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| Fayt | Sep 7 2008, 10:09 PM Post #9 |
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Word. |
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| Zoden | Sep 8 2008, 05:30 PM Post #10 |
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HAT OF HAPPINESS!!!
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I didn't mean it like that... >.> Sorry... |
"Creation happens but once. Destruction and Rebirth are eternal."
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