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| Problems with many things.; Don't care if anyone reads or not... | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 28 2009, 11:21 AM (195 Views) | |
| Chrona Makenshi | May 28 2009, 11:21 AM Post #1 |
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Love me? <3
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I really prefer to keep things bottled up inside... But I need to get at least a few things off my chest before I have another breakdown. Obviously, there's many things wrong with me. I warn you, this post will probably contain just a bunch of stupid whiney emo bullshit. First of all, depression problems. I really don't know why anymore, or maybe I do know why but I just don't want to say... but I feel so depressed most of the time. The only time I really feel happy lately is if I'm talking to my girlfriend. Otherwise, I just feel... so sad and useless. I've been crying a lot lately, and crying is a sign of weakness to me... so, at least in my eyes, I'm weak. Pathetic. The only reason I'm not crying right now is because I'm at a friend's, and I don't want them to see me cry... Then, there's... something that I'm not quite sure how to explain. I feel like one of my friends hates me, or is mad at me in some way... I won't say his name because he may read this. I don't know, I just feel like everytime talk to him, he's annoyed with almost everything I say. I can understand why he'd hate me, if he does... I'm always making him hear my stupid emo bullshit... but it still hurts, because I consider him one of my best friends. Really, I think of him as a cool big brother... but like I said... I feel like he hates me. Then there's some mental and possibly health problems. I don't eat. I'm rarely hungry, and even when I am, once I start eating the hunger goes away. And if I DO eat, it makes me feel sick. I have gone to the doctor for this, yes, but nothing helped. Also, I don't really sleep either. I don't stay awake until I'm tired or think I should sleep, I stay awake until I pretty much pass out. I know, that's not healthy, but... I just don't want to sleep. I'm afraid to sleep... and that leads to yet another problem. Nightmares. I used to have them every night, then they stopped. Now they're back again. I'd rather not go into detail about them, but I will say that I just KNOW they are all caused by one of the people in my head, Banshee. I have two people in my head now. One looks similar to me, she's Banshee, and she's usually cruel to me. She's also my split personality, I guess. Then there's Hell, he's basically fear in a "human" form, in my head. He's usually somewhat nice, but he's fear, so... just think about that. These two are always in my nightmares, in the little world they've made just for me. And I have a feeling they'll invite more friends soon. I also have obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is... not fun to have. Believe me. Plus, I have very, very low self-esteem and self-confidence and such. I don't think I can do anything right, I hate everything I draw or write, and, honestly, I hate myself more than anyone else. I really do.. Then there's my... current addiction and frequent thoughts. I've found myself addicted to pain. Yet again, something unhealthy. I keep finding ways to hurt myself physically... I guess I just want... no, need it to distract me from emotional pain. I run into things, I gnaw on my hands, etc... Hell, I recently carved the name of my girlfriend into my arm. Twice. And lately, my thoughts are... horrible. I keep thinking of killing or hurting people for no reason. Most of all, I... I want to kill myself. I don't know WHY I do... I just... don't want to live. Then there's one of the biggest issues. My mother. Almost everything she does annoys me. Actually, most of the things she does, she does them BECAUSE it annoys me. Then, she's always yelling at me for the most idiotic things, and when I tell her not to yell, she says it's the only way I'll listen. Yeah, she assumes I don't listen because I don't do everything I'm told to do as soon as I'm told to. Is it really MY fault if I'm usually busy with things I actually CARE about?... Then, there's the fact that she basically complains about me being me. She whines and bitches because I wear dark colours and listen to music she doesn't like. Do I get on to her about wearing "normal" clothes and listening to music I don't like? No, I don't. Another huge problem? My twin "brother". I can't stand him, and what's worse is that most of my friends think he's cool. That annoys me to no end. He's constantly arguing with me over little, stupid things, and he thinks I'm being an attention-whore when I'm upset. I admit, though, I'm really jealous of him... very much so. His artistic talent, the way he can make friends so much more easily than I can, how he usually can at least sorta control his temper... Okay, I'll admit it, my brother is almost PERFECT. And I hate him because I know I'll never be able to be that good, or even close for that matter. Then there's one more thing I can think of. It has to do with the relationship I'm in at the moment. I'm very very happy with her, she's the only person who can make me so happy... but after hanging out with two friends of mine, who happen to be dating and act lovey-dovey a lot around me... I feel lonely. Why? Because, while most of my friends that have a boyfriend or girlfriend see them almost EVERYDAY and talk to them on the phone a lot... My girlfriend lives in a different state. I can't hug her or kiss her or anything that my friends can do, because she's so far away from me... Now it may seem pathetic, but that makes me very sad. I want to be near her, but I can't. I won't be able to for at least another five years, even then, who knows what things will be like by then...?... Five years... Tch, I honestly don't know if I'll be alive that long. Either ignore this, tell me how pathetic and weak and stupid I am, or... try to help, I guess. I really don't care... just had to get this out. Sorry for the emo shit. |
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| Foxby | May 28 2009, 02:10 PM Post #2 |
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Emerald Guardian
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*hug* I've been through a decent amount of the same stuff, and the only advice I can really give is to hang in there, keep your girl in your heart, and watch a comedy or forty. It helps. |
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| L Lawliet | May 28 2009, 03:15 PM Post #3 |
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Apparently more annoying than Foxby. o.o
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*hugs* Sorry you have to go through that...here to help if you need it. |
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| Thanatos | May 28 2009, 08:58 PM Post #4 |
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The darkness before the dawn
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Crying isn't a sign of weakness in any way. Personally, I don't cry, but that's just me, I've used pretty much all my tears I want to. At any rate, I think it takes a stronger sort of person to be able to cry when they need to. As for the person that you think hates you, if its me, I certainly don't hate you, and I'm not annoyed with you. Honestly, if anything, I'm more worried about you and the things you do that hurt you than anything. I know you love Liz, but you don't need to carve her name into your flesh, I'd much rather you just took a marker or something and drew her name on your skin. A lot less painful and a lot more healthy. I'm pretty sure that Liz would rather you didn't cut yourself open as well. As for your nightmares, just remind Banshee and Hell of something. You've got me and Liz and all your other friends backing you up, and that if they mess with you, we'll make them pay. Don't let Banshee think otherwise either, because after all, when she was just 'voice', she herself said that someone as stubborn as me might be able to prevent her plans. Banshee doesn't control you Chrona, I've told you this. I'm also one of the ones that would be devastated if you killed yourself. Really, that might just prompt more people (maybe even me) into killing ourselves because of the loss. You're also a fantastic artist and writer, honestly, me, Liz, Tobi, Raito, and others have told you this. As for issues with your mom, I believe you can ask your dad to file a case where he gets primary custody of you. They should take your input as to who you want to live with most of the time. With your 'brother', really, I dun like him that much. I can tolerate him, but we end up offending each other way too fast, and I think you're the better artist of the two. Also he likes yaoi way too much. |
"People are able to hold onto hope, since death is that which cannot be seen."
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