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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 10 2017, 10:56 AM (235 Views) | |
| Liger | Mar 10 2017, 10:56 AM Post #1 |
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Tomoko Onamari
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Hey all, some of you may remember I shared some of my writing here a while back. I'm working on a piece right now that I've titled "The Shadow Effect" Its mainly in the conceptual stage at present, but while brainstorming ideas, I've come to the conclusion that just my own perception may not do it justice. I'm looking for a broader view with this, and this place is full of smart creative people so it seemed a good idea to share this here. So the shadow side of us all to me is, the negative side we all have, the side that sometimes we try to suppress. The dark side if you will, that could be born out of a bad past experience, past relationship etc, or maybe its just always been there. So without getting too personal, and describing it in general terms, , whats your interpretation of your own shadow side? How aware are you of it, how have you dealt with it,does it affect your day to day life, and when it comes to others shadow sides, has that had any affect on your life and if so how do you deal with that? Any help is much appreciated, thanks in advance. x |
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| Steve | Mar 10 2017, 05:33 PM Post #2 |
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Legend
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Ok lets see if I can put this all together as it is coming together in my head. My shadow side I believe is something I've carried with me since a child. I grew up in a household where both parents were overly consumed with themselves. Drugs, alcohol, and all things that spawn from those two things ran rampant in my house. Vengeance and anger have always been my way of dealing with the shitty hand of cards dealt to me. As a kid this meant lots of fighting and destructiveness, also lead into my own alcohol and drug use. The other side of that shadow lied a kid who was overly protective of his younger sibling and was able to stuff enough of that aside to act as the closest thing to a parent he had. As an adult life seems to have mimicked itself in my current relationship. Though now I'm not a child rather I have children of my own to look after. Vengeance and anger still plague me to this day. However, how that vengeance and anger are displayed are quite different. The fighting and destructiveness are not physical like they used to be. It's more of a mental struggle for me where I often end up making bad choices that may not harm me in the present but could have long term effects in the future. My over eating being one of my biggest vices. Anxiety has also manifested as I have gotten older which a daily medication but the other indulgences tend to sneak their way in as well. I hope this is what you were looking for. I may have left stuff off but that shadow side actually creeped in as I was writing this. LOL Fuck you shadow side!
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| Rob Storm | Mar 10 2017, 06:00 PM Post #3 |
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Lawful Good
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Yes, I remember the wonderful writing of yours that you were kind enough to share with us. It's good to see you again I guess I can share my struggles here and hopefully it can assist you in some way.When I was a kid I was physically abused for years at home until I was strong enough to fight back. I saw my mother and grandmother go through the same thing but was unable to stop it. My family, both on my mother and fathers sides, have a history of mental illness and some kind of substance abuse. I was an only child and had no friends outside of school so I internalized everything. The dark side of what was growing was a seething self-hatred. That no matter what I did it was never good enough. Not good enough for me and not good enough for those I cared about. Up until about ten years ago I was able to live a successful existence and be a functional member of society. Then all Hell broke loose. I took a hit pretty much in every aspect of my life in the most negative of ways. Financial, emotional and psychological. It was all my fault because of decisions I made and that opened the floodgates to the self-hatred I had held back for so long. I also had the first of my strokes and that didn't help. These days the effects of that dark side running loose are pretty evident. I cannot keep a job for more than a few months because of the fear I will fail eventually anyway. Going outside these four walls is frightening because I am ashamed to be near people. I take 5 anti-depressants a day but they really just keep me in a zombified state more than helping like they used to. I am 70 pounds overweight and eating is the only thing that keeps me in a moderate state of happiness. I lash out at myself with anger for the least little mistakes I make. So, I guess, my shadow self/dark side has pretty much taken over. I guess that's pretty much it. I hope this has helped you in some way. It was actually nice to be able to speak about this. Please let us know how you project is going
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| Liger | Mar 10 2017, 06:55 PM Post #4 |
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Tomoko Onamari
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Thanks for those replies guys, very insightful, its occurred to me that considering what I'm asking I'd better step up and share myself. My shadow side has come from a lack of acceptance and never feeling I was good enough, without getting into the poor me stuff, I come from a nomadic abusive childhood. It was drummed into me that I was ugly, stupid, not good at anything, and this stays with me to this day. I'm gay so there was a lack of acceptance there as well. In later life this manifested itself in my addictive nature, and I dealt with everything through drink and drugs. I'm an alcoholic, drugs were never an addiction, but once I'm drunk, I'll take any amount of anything. How my shadow affects me today..I can never do enough to improve myself. I live a sober life as best I can, I have 2 beautiful kids that I'll always give positive reinforcement to, and protect til my death. I have my own place, stepped into the ring and am training to be a wrestler, but my shadow side tells me all this still isn't enough, it wont ever be enough.. that voice saying I'm no good is still with me, I'm running a race against no-one and one that I'll never win. Writing about this has actually helped clear my head, I look forward to putting this whole piece together. x |
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| Leucippides | Mar 11 2017, 12:09 AM Post #5 |
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Who iz dis Black Mage?
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This will be a little hard and I might get off topic every once in a while, but I'll try and keep to a general path. I don't really have much of a shadow side because I let it out to play every once in a while. I've never really had any sort of troubled childhood that could contribute anything. There was a news story about how poor military families were (which we were the focus family. My dad told the story why once, but I forget) though I never remember us really struggling for anything. Any time I heard my parents talk about money they'd come home with something big. For instance, a new microwave. So I never thought we were poor. In school I was more neutral to all parties. My friends would get picked on and then I'd have pleasant conversations with the bullies. Not that I ever liked seeing my friends picked on, nor did I ever bring it up to the bullies, we usually just talked about wrestling. I grew up the youngest of four and despite wanting to follow after my brothers from time to time, I don't think I was ever commanding of their or anyone else' attention. Though that's an opinion others would have to make as growing up it's never been brought to me. So any negative thoughts went to a sense of humor. A very dark sense of humor I don't often share with anyone. Just one person at work gets the full brunt of it and it's only because he understands it's just my sense of humor. So, I guess, that would be it. Hopefully I didn't miss the mark on the question and ended up just rambling. lol |
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| Liger | Mar 14 2017, 11:09 PM Post #6 |
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Tomoko Onamari
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Thanks again to everyone that replied and shared. Some difficult stuff was shared and I really appreciate that...This is just a draft a lot of editing and rough edges need to be smoothed out etc, its on the long side, but its a totally different style than I've approached before..the finished product will likely be more streamlined.. but I have something more concrete to work towards now so thanks again. Come..come sit with me a while, don't be afraid. Just relax, its all okay, we're no strangers to each other, as far as I can tell. Why do you look at me like that?..Too close for comfort? Familiarity breeds contempt its true, but we're forever intertwined, so I'll beg your indulgence for just a bit.. Whats it all about? Born to live or born to die? Half full or half empty? Does it even matter? We're so far past all that. I've been here all along, the drink you picked up, the drug you took, the cuts you felt, the shame that made you want to disappear. You went through all that alone? Hardly. I observe and yes, feel even. Truth is, we're nothing without each other. Yet, why shut me out so? You hate what I represent, sure, and what I bring out can be beyond nasty to confront. .but yet... Sorry you need a break? Its all too much..Even if I wanted to I can't go anywhere, I'm a part of you, you see. I only die when you do, so here's an idea.work with me..shutting me out is futile. Listen to what I tell you and do the next right thing..I'm your shadow you see. Those people that have done you wrong? They have a shadow too..and viewed with the wrong eyes madness ensues.. I'm mad you're mad...you're wrong..no you're wrong, no you go no you go..I'm okay, I'm hurt, I've just had enough...I'll just get a little drunk, or a little high, or cut myself just a little bit deeper. ..or do none of the above but feel dead anyways. See everything would be fine if only just this one thing made sense, if I had this, if maybe I had that.. it'd be alright. If he just left me alone..if she wasn't so pretty...Those people always seem to get it so good...They didn't tell me it would be like this...just let me off..I can't get off. Whats even the point? Just relax a bit, this has been too much to take in, just breathe. For in that space between the inhale and exhale nothing exists. Just peace. Would it be insane to assume we can have this peace with us anytime, exists undercover as it does?..Just live with me, don't run nor turn away in disgust. Ugly as I may seem, your shadow is your shadow. Try outrunning me...see which one of us wins the race, the answer is one we both know. Maybe we can be like them in the end, even though they're like we are now. Thinking ,wondering, dreaming, believing. Now I depart and bid you good night.., before we face another day together where you've forgotten all I've told you and wonder why nothing makes sense. Even I wonder that sometimes..but it is as it is..its just the shadow effect. |
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| Steve | Mar 14 2017, 11:45 PM Post #7 |
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Legend
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Wow,nice work my daughter! You are an excellent writer and every last bit of that resonated with me as I read it. I don't think you realize just how many others in life have the same issues like you. Some days it's a real struggle but you always have to put your best foot forward.
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| Rob Storm | Mar 15 2017, 12:24 AM Post #8 |
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Lawful Good
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Just brilliant. Totally and inspiringly brilliant. I really enjoy reading your work and I am beyond thankful you share it with us
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| Liger | Mar 15 2017, 11:19 AM Post #9 |
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Tomoko Onamari
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Thanks so much for the comments guys, they mean more to me right now than you know. x |
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I guess I can share my struggles here and hopefully it can assist you in some way.
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4:31 PM Jul 13