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The Second Coming; Of Kuriyamachrist
Topic Started: Mar 25 2005, 10:24 PM (52 Views)
Minister Wighty
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Opossum Queen of FIW
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We open up in a small field fenced by a stream and a forest. On a stump is seated a dark man with long black hair and a clean beard. His gentle brown eyes watch the lambs he is petting and feeding bits of apple to as his flowing white robes and crimson sash blow in the subtle breeze.

TB: What in the blue hell?

Oh yeah, Toby's there too. He approaches this man, and as we get closer, we realize it's Bill Kuiryama. His facial hair has grown out a bit, and he appears to be smiling softly.

TB: Bill?

BK: The one and only, Toblerone.

Toby secretly fills with glee that he got away with calling the Sex Machine Gun by his first name, then moves on with the interview.

TB: ... what the hell are you doing?

BK: What, the getup?

Bill gestures to his clothes as if everyone wears flowing robes these days.

TB: Yeah, the getup. And the sheep. Why are there sheep?

BK: Well, Tobes, I figured Samael has got his little gimmick where he's the "Death Angel" or whatever, and he thinks my fate's been handed down to him on high to carry out in the ring, so I figured I'd match it with some holiness of my own.

TB: So... youuuuu're... ?

Bill stares blankly at Toby, unimpressed that he doesn't get it.

BK: I'm Jesus. Y'know, Santa's friend?

TB: I thought Jesus was a white hippie?

BK: Yeah, that's right, Tobe. Jesus was born to Israelis in the middle of Israel and came out a pale-skinned brown-haired two-step-away-from-SWAT son o' God.

TB: Tch. Mary and Joseph were white, too, Bill.

BK: Yeah, and I'm the Pope.

TB: I thought you said you were Jesus?

Bill sighs. What else can he do?

BK: I am. I'm Jesus. Not the Pope, Jesus. I got lambs, no Popemobile. We got a little field here, no balcony in Rome.

He points to himself.

BK: Jesus.

He points to Toby.

BK: Weenie.

TB: Awww! Can't I be the guy who interviews Jesus?

BK: Sure, Tobe. Go right ahead. I DID just call you out here in this field with these lambs to call you a weenie, but since you asked so nice, go ahead, gimme an interview.

Is he being sarcastic? It's hard to tell with Bill sometimes. He'll go to some pretty great lengths to call Toby a weenie.

TB: Great! So, Jesus, Samael had some pretty harsh words for you this week. Beside the 'fate' thing, he also mentioned that you too have lost before, and that you're not invincible.

BK: I'm not invincible? I'm Jesus fucking Christ! They crucified my ass, and I just got up like nothin' happened! I'm like the Jewish Fiddy Cent.

TB: Well, OK, but without the whole Jesus thing, Bill, Samael has a point.

BK: Jesus. My name is Jesus.

He points a finger to Toby and winks. Toby pretends to get it.

BK: And even if Samael brought a cross and some nails and a hammer to the ring to crucify me so he could stop me from kickin' his ass long enough to pin me, it wouldn't happen. The people I've lost to have been Brighty and Vinj. ... and Sam, when she stole a victory from me, but that's just like the last temptation, isn't it?

Bill winks at the camera, probably to let Sam know he's just playin'. Maybe just to be a sexy Jesus. He IS a sexy Jesus.

BK: Point is, Samael couldn't hope to beat Brighty or Vinj either. And we've definitely seen he can't beat Sam. So his point is moot.

TB: Very true, Mr. Christ. Did you see anything else in Samael's promo?

BK: Eh, he was flappin' his gums about how I'm beatable and how me underestimating him is my downfall and stuff, but that's all hooey. I'm not underestimating him; I'm estimating him. He sucks, and that's what my estimation of him is. Sooo... I'm pretty accurate it seems. Sure, he might get a powerbomb over on me, or some sorta slam, or some big 'ol non-pork ham fists--

TB: Non-pork?

BK: Yeah, I'm Jewish. We don't eat pork.

TB: Ohhhh, right.

BK: So as I was sayin', he might drop a few moves on me, but in the end it'll be just like all those years ago when I was crucified. I'm gonna rise from the dead, shoot lasers outta my eyes, and kick the ass of everyone who pissed me off.

Toby stares at Bill for a moment.

TB: ... Jesus didn't shoot eye-lasers.

BK: Yes he did. I should know. I'm Jesus.

TB: *sighs* No you're not.

BK: The hell I ain't! Here, I'll prove it! Check this out.

Bill holds up a glass of water located conveniently on the stump next to him. He raises his fingers over it, wiggling them...

BK: Sim sim salabim! ... hey, Tobes, what's that?

Bill points, Toby looks, and Bill switches the water with a glass of wine.

BK: Huh. Nothin'. Coulda sworn I saw a buffalo out there.

TB: I didn't think there were any buffalo in Wisc--whoa!

BK: Yep. Wine. Good wine, too. Here, have a drink. It's, like, my blood and stuff.

Toby accepts the wine and sips.

TB: Mmm. I feel like a holy vampire.

Bill reaches into his robes and pulls out a loaf of French bread.

BK: Here, partake of my body.

TB: Huh?

BK: Eat me, Tobes.

He breaks off an end of the bread and gives it to Toby. Toby eats it and nods, pleased with the taste.

TB: All right, but let's see you do something more convincing. You coulda just switched the wine and hidden the bread in your robes.

BK: Pffft. Jesus wouldn't do a thing like that! But fine, c'mon.

Bill rises and walks to the edge of the stream with Toby in tow.

BK: Check this out.

He places his sandalled foot on the water's surface, holding it there.

BK: I'm standing on water.

Toby gives Bill a look.

TB: Do it with the other foot.

BK: Kay.

Bill switches feet.

BK: There ya go. Undeniable proof.

TB: Both feet, Bill. At the same time.

BK: Y'know what, I think that's enough miracles for today. You're startin' to get spoiled.

Toby shakes his head.

TB: OK, fine. Any final words for Samael?

BK: Yeah, even came up with a catch phrase; check this out.

Bill clears his throat.

BK: Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. Samael's askin' for an ass kickin', and I'm gonna give it. He's seeking out some trouble, and I'm gonna bring it. He's knock-knock-knocking on Heaven's door, and I've had to deal with Jehovah's witnesses and ding-dong-ditchers all day. I'll meet him in the ring, crack open his skull with the Undisputed Truth, then heal it back together with my magic Jesus powers.

TB: All righty then! Well, thanks for the interview, Bi--Jesus.

BK: Yeah, no problem, Tobes. Now buzz off. I've got a flock to tend to.

Toby does as he's told and flaps his busy little bee wings to go bother someone else. The cameraman lingers for a moment, however, to watch Bill seat himself by the lambs. He collects his apple and shears off another wedge, giving it to one of the sheep. Bill suddenly recoils and waves his hand in the air.

BK: Ow! You little bastard, you don't bite Jesus!

He takes a large bite out of his apple.

BK: That's not cool.

Fade.
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