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An Ad Offer; Bill has something borrowed. This is new
Topic Started: Feb 5 2005, 02:59 AM (39 Views)
BobPalindrome
Unregistered

[We open up in what looks like an average conference room, but there is a conspicuous Asian theme to the room – a bonsai tree and metal dragon statue on the table, slogans written in kanji on the walls, and… likely the most obvious… two Japanese businessmen seated, briefcases open and sorting through documents. On the other end of the table is El Lobo, resting his head in his hand. His expression is one of consternation and annoyance.]

El Lobo: My friends, I hope you had a good reason for calling me to Tokyo. The magnificence of El Lobo Loco is due to appear Sunday at Déjà Vu, and I fear I may be hindered by horrendous jetlag. This had better be worth my time, for the fans plead and beg that I shout down that ass Kuriyama and his childish ramblings.

Japanese Businessman #1: (in accented English) Ah, yes, Lobo-san, we understand. But as I told you over the phone, we have an opportunity for you that could pay off very handsomely for you…

El Lobo: Indeed, Suzuki-san. You have my attention. Tell me more.

Suzuki: Lobo-san, when you were wrestling for B*ONE, you accumulated quite a following here in this country. They said that young executives on the corporate fast track abandoned their careers to emulate you in death matches!

Japanese Businessman #2: Our industries are still reeling from the Terrible Human Resources Massacre of 1995.

El Lobo: Yes, I recall that one, Onita-san. It’s never been my intention to be a role model, but those stupido groupies don’t realize that I despise them all with a passion. I don’t take responsibility for the slaughter. Any society that dispenses schoolgirl panties in vending machines has problems of it’s own.

Onita: Er… Yes. Well, while we among the corporate elite were quite angered at your popularity drawing our promising recruits into suicidal mania, we have decided to exploit the situation to our advantage. We would like to sell a sports drink here in Japan… with your likeness!

Suzuki: It will be called Tsukamimashia, which roughly translates late to “The energy drink where the celestial ancestors dwell.” It will guarantee improved performance in the gym, in the bedroom and against the mightiest of the wild animals. It will consist of spring water mixed with the essences of Buddhist hermits who spend the majority of their lives in zealous pursuit of enlightenment.

El Lobo: Their… “essences”?

Suzuki: It will come in four exicting flavors: orange, guava, grapefruit and purple.

El Lobo: “Purple?” I don’t know, my friends… It doesn’t sound too appealing.

Onita: Yes, it won’t be initially. That’s why we’ll have to saturate the media with advertisements for it. Once consumers are thoroughly convinced that they need this drink in order to be happy, it should sell like hotcakes!

El Lobo: I don’t have time to make commercials or pose for a billboard! I have a match in a couple of days. I have to be concentrating on Kuriyama and training, not filming ads for your silly drink!

Suzuki: Oh, Lobo-san, we know how busy the schedule of a professional wrestler is. That is why we hired skilled cartoonists to make your commercials! You see, a whole new generation of Japanese are finding out about your matches. Young people are our primary audience.

Onita: We have a sample of our first commercial, which will air in but a few week’s time… assuming you agree to our terms.

Suzuki: Which we feel you’ll find very generous.

El Lobo: All right, let’s see what you got.

[Onita takes a remote out of his pocket and pushes a button. Suddenly, the lights dim and a projecting screen descends, taking up the better portion of one of the walls. Another button is pushed, and a projector emerges from the ceiling. A final button and the projector begins whirring and clicking, broadcasting a blank image.

The commercial starts with an electronic beat building up to a large crescendo, the music soon breaking out with a fast-paced chant for vocals. As a woman sings in Japanese, clips begin to play of El Lobo’s death matches, showing blood and carnage and death-defying moves. Which is odd, since the music seems to be in the vein of an optimistic love song.

An anime version of El Lobo jumps up on the screen, a large egg-shaped head on a body far too small… but overly muscular. Wearing his mask, the cartoon also has gigantic white eyes with bright brown irises. His “hands” are blunted and his boots are about twice the size of his knees. He flexes as he grunts and spits curses in Japanese. The cartoony El Lobo begins running in place, although speed lines appear around him, and then there is a freeze frame of his face as he jumps up, hand raised in the air. This corresponds with the singing woman, who delivers a beautiful verse in Japanese capped off with English lyrics: “…living with the august personage of the dragon…”

The cartoon continues with El Lobo seemingly doing a dropkick on a panda wearing a yellow bandana and carrying a bottle of liquor. The panda then proceeds to pull a barbed wire-wrapped baseball bat out of nowhere and begins bashing in El Lobo’s head… the injury made evident by a large bump growing out of El Lobo’s skull and a large solitary bead of sweat pouring from his forehead. Inexplicably, the scene changes to one of violence to one of jubilation, as the panda and El Lobo are seated in a nightclub, being entertained by young girls dressed in short skirts and pigtails. They clink sake glasses as they sit cross-legged, and then down their drinks.

We then see a live action video shot of a turkey sandwich.

Back to El Lobo running again, this time into an airplane with the Rising Sun on the wings. Soon joined by an entire squadron, the plane soars through the skies, the epic music still playing, the singer now musing in English about “karate ninja transistor explosion.”

The planes swerve downward in formation, and we see them dropping bombs on a group of ships stationed at what looks like a tropical island navy base. As the air fills with bullets, fire and smoke, El Lobo gives a “thumbs up” sign from his cockpit as the frame freezes again.]


El Lobo: …What in the name of the Mother Mary was that?

Onita: This is version three-point-oh. We ran it through several focus groups, and it scored very high with the 18 to 25 demographic.

Suzuki: We base the success partly on including Ichi Panda, the mascot of the Japanese chapter of NAMBLA.

El Lobo: …the mascot of NAMBLA?

Onita: Well, the ad agency said they were very involved with kids in many of our communities…

El Lobo: Okay, so a pedophile panda! Wonderful! What about the turkey sandwich?

Suzuki: Research shows…

Onita: …People like turkey sandwiches.

[El Lobo throws up his arms and storms out of the room. A camera man is waiting outside, catching El Lobo as he slams the door behind him and begins walking down a hallway. He addresses the camera as he goes.]

El Lobo: My opponent, Kuriyama, keeps talking and talking, but I don’t hear him saying anything original. Unlike him, I am not here to tell jokes and try and get laughs. I don’t want a contract in Hollywood… though Kuriyama could probably only hope for a stand-up routine on Carnival cruise ships. Besides, his jokes are tired and stale. The people want to see something new… something that will keep them on the edge of their seats. And this Sunday, at Déjà Vu, that is exactly what they will be getting.

Kuriyama, you can keep cracking wise if it makes you feel better. You might even get a few idiotas to think you’re a comic genius. But you should be more worried about proving that you’re the wrestler you bill yourself as… or whether you’ve just been getting the luck of the draw. I can promise that if you keep using the same trite material – not just in your promos, but in the ring – you will pay dearly.
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