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| The Roman Catholic Church... of PAIN!; Lobo dons the pointy hat | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Apr 5 2005, 06:41 AM (38 Views) | |
| BobPalindrome | Apr 5 2005, 06:41 AM Post #1 |
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[The scene opens on a spacious balcony decorated with very ornate decoration with a very religious motif. Stained glass windows in the balcony doors reflect the bright spring sun as little cherubs dance merrily around the railing, which is apparently made of a very fine white marble. Although we cannot see them, we can hear a large crowd of people below murmuring excitedly. All goes silent though as the doors open and a portly man dressed as a Catholic cardinal steps out. He wears a large smile and wastes no time in saddling up to the balcony, raising his arms, and announcing in a clear voice…] Cardinal: I announce a great joy! We have a Pope! [In response, the unseen masses scream, cheer and cry with relief and delight. The cardinal steps aside as another figure comes out onto the balcony… Wearing a flowing white robe bedecked with gold trimming and designs and a quite large pointed white hate, El Lobo Loco looks every bit the part, even carrying a large staff streaked with jewels. All that gives away his identity is his trademark black-and-silver mask and baritone voice. He waves a hand to silence the crowd before speaking.] Lobo: Quite a surprise, eh, my children? Yes, it has been some time since the Mother Church has had a layman as its pope, but the College of Cardinals came to the conclusion that this new era requires new leadership. I was hesitant to accept the post when it was first offered to me. I didn’t feel prepared. But then I realized, what else could as moral, beatific and honest as the Roman Catholic Church… than professional wrestling? [The crowds cheer, but Lobo quickly quiets them once more.] Lobo: All of you no doubt wonder what my stance is on the important issues facing the church. For example, there has been a good deal of controversy in the Catholic Church about dealing with birth control and abortion. Well, my children, as your new pope, I tell you I am reversing the traditional Catholic position on these thorny issues! [There is a collective gasp among the crowd, followed by a lot of whispering and a few shouts of indignation.] Lobo: And the reason for the chance is Bill Kuriyama. You see, Bill Kuriyama is a poster child for both birth control and planned parenthood. The man has been on the slow and painful decline of his career for awhile now, and yet he nurtures fantasies of being better than me… El Lobo… The Most Macho Mano in wrestling today! Il Padre! [The crowds boo Kuriyama as Lobo sneers, letting the staff fall between his arm and torso. He puts out one arm, fist clenched upward, and places his other hand on his bicep. He then raises his extended arm in the universally understood Italian body language.] Lobo: It has also come to my attention that the recent scandals involving men of the cloth and young boys was entirely organized by Bill Kuriyama and a group of unscrupulous Thai businessmen. He is the one responsible! [More booing Kuriyama and more cheering Lobo, who is eating this up.] Lobo: Historical documents recently unearthed in the Vatican show Kuriyama was also in charge of the Inquisition and the witchhunts that accompanied it, focusing his attention on people who had picked on him in high school. He was also the one who tried to discredit Galileo, who stole Kuriyama’s first girlfriend away from him! All these tragic events are the result of one man with personal vendettas! But the time has come, my children. This weekend at Anarchy in the UK, I’m going to deal with this heathen vato the only way I know how… By moving faster than him, hitting harder than him and laying him out in the middle of the ring with the Chupacabra Helldriver. You see, Kuriyama pretends not to care about the Fighting Spirit belt, but for all his denial of materialism, it is obvious that not having the whole belt is killing him inside. How can a man who comes out to such an extravagant opening, so married to pomp and catchphrases, suddenly insist he cares not for the gold and glitter but only for the pride and honor? It is lies, my children! Kuriyama distances himself from the belt because he knows he and it shall soon be separated. And they will be separated for a long, long time. And while he wallows in self-pity, the magnificence of El Lobo will do what Kuriyama’s incompetence and impotence prevented him from doing… Keep on rising up into the hallowed halls of wrestling glory, to Heaven’s squared circle, where the legends tread! So, Bill, mi amigo… You can keep attacking me on my race, my background, whatever. You may even mock my mask. But I seriously doubt you have gotten better in the ring where it matters. If you have, you will beat this humble little Mexican and show that your career still has something going for it. However, if in the end all your training, all your posing turns out to be for nothing… Well, the last of your worries would be excommunication. And I don’t care if you’re a quarter Japanese, an eighth African or a tenth Eskimo. You look at yourself in the mirror and tell me you aren’t the most bland, unexciting carbon copy of an American pro wrestler around. Sorry, you Old Fashioned French vanilla vato, but youse a gringo! [El Lobo throws up his arms as he brings his little speech to an end, and as he slips away from the balcony and through the doors, we fade to black.] |
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7:06 PM Jul 11
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7:06 PM Jul 11