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First review!; March 5th, 2007
Topic Started: Mar 6 2007, 01:12 AM (127 Views)
Minister Wighty
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Opossum Queen of FIW
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Pro Wrestling Outsider's South London Allied Wrestling Review

Being American in England comes with a lot of strange idiosynchracies. People snickering at your accent (or lack thereof) while you snicker at theirs... strange foodstuffs with ridiculous names (spotted dick? Really, now...) and the sheer dangerous simplicity of freaking out in the middle of the commute to work because you're driving on the "wrong" side of the road. But at least I get to see FIW-caliber live events, even when FIW isn't touring this fair, rainy country.

Yes I'm aware they're in the UK area right now, just bear with me...

The show opens up with Reginald Archibald Marten prattling on about what a fine institution wrestling is, how enthusiastic he is about everything, and a bunch of other ridiculous hype. It's funny to watch him try and pump up the crowd when he really has no idea what he's on about. Thankfully he leaves the ring so we can get to the first spot of action.

Tim Topp vs. Synn
Well, we've got Tim Topp and Synn in the ring. Which is fantastic, because one of them looks like a goth clown and the other I think sold me my clock radio. Clearly I've stumbled into some sort of ECW on crack. The announcer informs us that the winner of this match'll go on to the main event triple threat for the (and I'm copy-pasting here...) SLA Wrestling Medal of Accolades for Exceptional Achievement in Singles Competition. Damn, say that with a load of peanut butter in your mouth.

Anyhow, they get into the action pretty quick, which is nice. Well, Synn does anyhow. Topp seems more concerned about not losing the head off his pint, which I gotta say he keeps a mean hold on while Synn pummels him. Timmy finally takes a big swig of liquid courage and manages to hit Synn with a lariat...ish... sort of thing. Tim ground 'n pounds for a while before Synn gives him an elbow in the ribs that sends him packing. Tim's lip looks a little quivery, maybe he didn't have enough of his brew, there... Synn forces him into a nice suplex and attempts a pin, which he of course doesn't get. Tim seems a bit upset that Synn's grease paint has smudged all over his fetching red tie and belts him one in the kisser. Damn, those are real potatoes he's throwing there! Synn's on the ropes, literally, and Tim starts choking him against the cables! The referee drags him off and looks like he might be about to karate chop Tim before Synn comes in with a CRAZY rolling lariat! He gets a two, which seems to piss off Tim. Synn apparently doesn't give a shit that Tim's pissed and whips him to the ropes. Tim comes back and nails a SICK-ASS running Enziguri! My handy-dandy access to SLA.com tells me that he calls that move the Winchester, and I'll be fucked if it didn't just knock Synn out. Tim covers, and it's a three.

Rating: *** Not bad, Tim could've done more offense, but overall it was a decent opener. Maybe he'll do better in the ME.

I guess I'm too used to WWE shows or FIW or something. I'm sitting here expecting a promo, JUST about to get up and try to grab a popcorn when BAM. Entrance music hits and wrestlers wander out to the ring.

Liam Mortell vs. Adam Wilson

I don't know who Adam Wilson is, but he looks like a bad-ass. Liam Mortell I remember from Slam!, he wasn't bad. And as far as the match starts, he seems pretty on-form. Wilson taunts him to take a shot and Mortell feints a lariat into a kitchen sink. Nice touch. Snapmare takeover sends Adam to the mat, but before Mortell can apply the headlock, Adam gets a sort of backward European uppercut on the guy (or I guess that's just an uppercut over here, eh?) Adam finds his feet and starts unleashing some kind of unholy fist-slaughter on Mortell. The poor guy tries to get a few hits in edgewise, but this Adam kid is relentless like an FIW PPV! Liam topples over the ropes and to the outside, Adam darts to the opposite ropes, hops up and WRECKS INTO MORTELL! Nice. Gotta give it up for Liam, though. If he was bigger or Adam was smaller he might've caught him there. Great reflexes, but just not enough of a size difference to his advantage.

They lay there for a minute and I catch that popcorn before Adam slides back into the ring to try to win via countout. Liam (thankfully) doesn't let that happen, sliding in JUST before the 10. Adam stomps his spine for a while until Liam catches the leg and pulls him to the mat, lacing it and rolling around into some kind of lucha-looking cradle. Two count for Liam and Adam kicks out. Liam pulls him off the mat, but Adam wrests control from him with a few hooks to the mush. He grabs Liam in a scoop slam, turns around and PLANTS him on the turnbuckle! Liam's hanging in a tree of woe and Adam backs up, getting momentum before jumping up and BLASTING Mortell in the face with some kinda stalling basement dropkick thing! TRULY excellent! Adam's playing to the crowd, who I guess are a bunch of Liam Mortell fans, 'cuz they don't seem to be on his side. Mortell gets up and looks shaky, which isn't helped when Adam nails him in the kneecap with a kick before planting him with an evenflow DDT. "The Hype". Three-count finishes the match, and I'm pretty pleased.

Rating: *** I wanna give it more stars, but it was a bit too 2+2=4 for my tastes. I want to see more of Adam, I know that.

Wow, another straight-into-the-next-match deal. It's a good thing I don't have to pee...

"The Amazing Scorpion" Carlos Ray vs. Gatito Cerebro

I guess the last match and this match both are for entry into the main event, or at least our RA friend claims. This one's between one of the four-hundred guys with a cat fetish I'm finding on SLA.com's site and Steve Blackman's redheaded cousin. The bell rings and Scorpion bows politely to the Gatito before stepping in and asking for a tieup. Cerebro obliges, only to snooker Scorpion into a cradle. He breaks it before the ref can even count one, gets to his feet and NAILS a rounthouse kick. He goes for another one, but Cerebro catches his boot and twists him into an achilles hold. Nice work, don't see that move much these days. Maybe because it looks like Cerebro's trying to bury his head up Scorpion's ass.

... anywho, Scorpion rolls the move into a triangle leg choke, which Cerebro breaks with a few fists. He rolls away from the action and Scorpion backs off too, allowing Cerebro room to breathe for a moment... which he takes to go outside and... read... a book. I'm totally not kidding, he's got this fucking encyclopedia at ringside and he's just... skimming through it... wait, no, he's got it, I think. Yes... yes, his index finger is raised triumphantly, and he gets back in the ring with a smug look on his face. This guy might be my new favortie wrestler, who the fuck does research in the middle of a match? Awesome. Scorpion unleashes a kung-fu flurry on Cerebro, but Cerebro catches his heel during one of the kicks and turns and sweeps his other leg right out from under him! Keeping hold of the ankle, Cerebro drops an elbow and starts torquing Scorpion's leg! God god, this Scorpion guy sells like he's getting stabbed in the eye! Cerebro gets up and mutates the hold into a reverse figure four, which he executes picture-perfect. Scorpion struggles and tries to make the ropes, but just can't and taps out.

Rating: **** I'd say Cerebro carried Scorpion through this match, but that's really only the case if Scorpion's a one-trick pony with that karate shit. If not, these guys might both be solid talents. Great match.

Oh shit, what's this? A promo? Nice stuff. I actually found it on YouTube... I'll post the link here for you guys to check it out yourselves. 'Cuz I'm lazy like that, I guess.

Quote:
 
SLA Wrestling cues backstage, where Tommy Gunn is standing by with an older gentlemen, late 50s or early 60s perhaps. He's very... er... round, maybe? Robust? You know the old saying "pear shaped figure?" This guy looks like he shares the same figure as a tomato. But for some reason, Tommy's excited to be seen with this old, fat tomato-man.

TG: Ladies & gentlemen... I'm very excited to introduce to S.L.A. Wrestling... One of the finest technical wrestlers & biggest risk takers to ever enter a wrestling ring, the legend, the icon,  the pride of Donnington... Lord Sebastian Hetfield! Lord Hetfield, what brings you to S.L.A.?

SH: Well young man, I have found myself a protoge' whom I feel is a star in the making in the wrestling ranks. He has dominated the Mixed Martial Arts scene for the past decade and is looking for a new challenge.

TG: Who did you recruit? Who is it?! Is it Couture? Severn? KIMO?!

SH: KIMO? Ha! This man has twice the experience of Randy Couture, twice the ability of Dan Severn & twice the strength of KIMO. He is a multiple time Heavyweight Champion. He's... well, allow him to introduce himself to you. Follow me.

Tommy shrugs, but follows the British wrestling legend down one of the many corridors of the Elite Sports Complex. Soon enough we reach the parking garage where several staff members have all gathered around someone, someone big as far as we can tell.

As the cameraman bustles through the observing crowd, we see... what can only be desrcibed as a freak of nature. We find a large... no... massive? towering? erm... massering man. Freakishly lean & muscular.

But big deal, there's tons of those kind of guys in wrestling.

But of course... can they curl a 10 foot long lattice strut like this man is?


TG: Oh my God. . . That's... that's-

SH: "Battle-Axe" Bob Mitchell.

TG: Bloody hell! The same Bob Mitchell that's knocked out over 30 men?!

SH: *proudly* Well, 30 knockouts but only 29 men. That Gilkey fellow didn't know when to quit.

TG: The same Bob Mitchell that sold out the Tokyo Dome in his fight against Hideki Watanabe in 1998?!

TG: One in the same, my dear boy.

TG: The same Bob Mitchell that was committted to a mental institution in 2005 for grocery shopping in nothing but his underwear?

Lord Hetfield's joy & pride for his client disappear, leaving only shame to be found. He glances around, hoping nobody heard Tommy.

SH: Well... yes. But listen, he's past all that tomfoolery now. I've been mentoring him a great deal over the past handful of months... helping him convert from one style of competitive fighting to another. And yes, I'm aware that Bob has inadvertantly become a bit of a humorous character in the world of competitive fighting with some of the incidents he's been caught up in-

TG: Like the time broke into the Lion exhibit in the San Diego Zoo & tried to fight the lions in 2004?

SH: Look, about that, sometimes the six sided cage these fights take place in is called a "Lion's Den" and Bob wanted to prove he was the best fighter in every sense of the term... But that's besides the point, Tommy. In fact, to prove he's ready to get on with his life & put his colourful past behind him, let me call him over & you can ask him yourself how he's going to become the most dominant professional wrestler that S.L.A. Wrestling will ever see.

Lord Hetfield turns around & calls over to the Battle-Axe, who's curling the strut with ease.

SH: Bob! I say, BOB! Come over here & meet the press!

Bob turns around to face us & begins to walk towards Tommy & Lord Hetfield, lattice strut still in his hands.

SH: Bob! You can put the strut down!

Bob glances down at the strut, shrugs & then easily tosses it aside out of the picture. Not at all stunned by the crowd that once surrounded him runs away as he throws it out of the way. Albeit we can't see it's damage, we can hear the sound of steel colliding with steel, glass shattering, the clanging of steel on concrete, a loud meow from a cat (WTF?)... Bob just walks casually on as if the carnage didn't even take place.

He makes his way to Tommy & Sebastian, easily towering over both men. He looks down on Tommy, his fierce eyes giving a stabbing glare towards TG. Tommy brings his mic to his lips, his voice shaky from excitement & intimidation.


TG: W-wow. "Battle-Axe" Bob Mitchell. Tell us, Bob, why you've joined South London Allied Wrestling. What are your plans as a professional wrestler?

Gunn moves the mic from his mouth & raises it to Bob's mouth. Bob contorts his mouth into a snarl & growls out...

BM: Blue crayons are high in fiber.

Lord Hetfield gets the mic away from Bob & brings it to his level.[/i]

SH: Perhaps I should do the talking right now.

TB: Did he just say...?

SH: No! I mean... um, maybe. He hasn't had his nap today, perhaps we should wait another ti-

But Hetfield stops in mid sentence as Bob slowly raises his arm from his side and brings his hand to Gunn's face. Tommy goes to step back, but before he can Bob closes his index & middle fingers on Tommy's nostrils. He pinches his fingers together & makes a sound with his lips that would resemble the act of passing gas. He releases his hold on Tommy's nose & moves his hand over to Lord Hetfield's face, this time his thumb is pinched between his index & middle finger. He says to Lord Hetfield:

BM: *excitedly* Mr. Hetfield, I took this guy's nose! I got his nose! Look at this!

Tommy looks up in awe. One of the toughest, bravest, hardest of the hardcore ultimate fighters he's ever witnessed... "took his nose." Lord Hetfield sighs in annoyance.

SH: Excuse me, Tommy.

Hetfield turns his attention to Mitchell.

SH: Bob, give this young man back his nose.

BM: NO! He's not worthy!

SH: Bob, how is he supposed to smell his mother's cooking without a nose?

BM: That's his problem, not mine.

SH: Bob, what has he done to you?

BM: *hesitantly* He... punched my mom.

SH: He did not.

BM: He punched your mom.

SH: Bob, my mother passed away probably before this young man could even make a fist, let alone punch her.

BM: Well... He killed my dog.

SH: You don't have a dog, Bob.

BM: Maybe I would if he didn't kill it! *to Tommy* You killed Oreo! How could you?! You ... you... SCALLYWAG!

Sebastian rubs his face into his hands, groaning in annoyance while Tommy's look of disorientation has seemed to be stained on his face. Sebastian turns his attention from Bob to Tommy.

SH: I'm truly sorry about this. He gets quite an attitude when he eats candy all day.

BM: SCALLYWAG! That's you, little man! A scallywag! That's... yeah! How ya like that, you... you & your face!

SH: We'll have to try this again sometime when Bob is more subdued. *to Mitchell* Come on, Bob. Let's get you checked into your dorm.

BM: I got a dorm?! Do we have a bunk bed?!

SH: I certainly hope not.

fade out


TAG TEAM TROPHY MATCH: The Seven vs. Main Event Napalm vs. Team GATITO (minus Cerebro) vs. a bunch of nerds... no, seriously.

I can see why we had the promo there, 'cuz they had to have time to get a SHIT TON OF FUCKING PEOPLE on the ring apron! A four-corners tag, and call me crazy but my money's on the team with only two guys getting their assholes handed to them served with garlic butter, lemon, and a parsley garnish. Post-match I've become aware that the starting line for the match is Fernando "The Hombre" Lovechild, Drip, Gatito Chupacabra, and GAMER X. I had been calling them Captain Purple, Demon Guy, Bloody Mask and... well, Chupacabra's helpful and has his name on his pants. So excuse me if I lapse into calling them these things...

Fernando seems to think Chupacabra's the least menacing of all the opponents in the ring right now, which was hard to fucking see, it looks like a damn lumberjack match with over-eager lumberjacks. Anyway, he tries to lariat the guy, but gets caught up in a fujiwara armbar takedown that transforms into a headlock with knee strikes, which is a really fancy way of saying he's bashing Fernando's moustache in with a bunch of knees. GAMER X and Drip start to tango, but that's probably a bad idea on Drip's part because GAMER X seems to be... um... strafing him. I swear to god, it looks like they're chasing each other around the ring in a tight circle before GAMER reverses his strafe and hangs Drip on his forearm with a standing lariat. Bugs Bunny, eat your heart out.

GAMER laughs at Drip while Chupacabra pulls Fernando to his feet and throws him into the corner, the better to bash his brains in with a fist. He tires of this, I guess, and tags out to Goth Gatito... er... Gatito Negro. He sort of slingshots over the ropes into a rotating dropkick that BARELY catches Fernando on the chin. Looks more like Jeff Hardy's train wreck he calls "Poetry in Motion". 'Course Negro seems to take style tips from Hardy and his butt-buddy Shannon Moore, so it's all good for him, I suppose.

GAMER's abusing Drip or something, and tags out to... a... guy... in a wizard... costume? I swear this is the most fucked-up bunch of rejects I've ever seen. The Dungeon Master, I guess, takes out some little dice from his belt pouch and rolls them, examining the result before kicking Drip in the face. Oh, THIS should be good. Jeff Kitty has whipped Captain Purple toward the DM and the Demon, and the idiot actually manages to cross-body the Dungeon Master to the mat. He gets a one-and-a-half count before some foreign dude with Coke-bottle glasses comes in and stomps the shit out of him. Foreign Exchange Student (FES, hah. I get it now. That 70's show, you're so cute.) and Dungeon Master hold poor Purple Moustache in the corner and beat the holy fuck out of him. Drip the Demon gets a good tag out to the second-biggest motherfucker on the apron. The guy comes in and picks up Jeff Kitty like he's a paperweight and drops him on the ground. It wasn't even a fucking move, the guy just dropped him! He gets in a goozle and drags Negro over to the rest of the Gatitos and CHOKE TOSSES HIM INTO THE BULK OF THEM! Kitten masks are literally falling off the edge of the apron, leaving only the actual biggest guy... uh... Gatito Gigante, and the one in bike shorts. Gigante gets in the ring, and I guess it counts 'cuz the ref is too busy trying to argue with FES to get back out on the apron. The DM gets out his dice and rolls... and for some reason punches about four inches to the left of Fernando's head. I guess he rolled a "1" or something. Fernando catches him in a sort of front-face neckbreaker and rolls over to tag in his hairy friend, Manny Dudemeiyr.

Paragraph break! This match is crazy.

Manny skirts past the two juggernauts who're now trying to win a collar-and-elbow. The ref finally gets FES out of the ring and Manny looks to want to get into fisticuffs with the DM. The DM SPRINGS INTO THE AIR and nails a "Magic" Missile dropkick! Manny's laid out and this gives the DM a chance to tag in the fresher... Anime Guy! God, what inventive names. The grinning Gigante finally gets the better of Lazaro, and FUCKING SCOOP SLAMS HIM!! That should've gone through the damn ring, I'm surprised the thing isn't collapsing with those two behemoths in it! Somewhere, Vince McMahon is having an orgasm and he doesn't know why. Anime Guy and Manny Dudemeiyr are in a boring-ass strike war, but that's OK because Gigante and Lazaro are back toe-to-toe. Lazaro forces Gigante into his corner, where five of his black metal band-looking friends start beating the shit out of him. The guy looks personally insulted and like he's about to CRY while these dudes are just WAILING on him until he starts LAMB-BASTING them with haymakers that knock them off the damn apron! Good lord, somebody needs to put leashes on these two! Gigante SHOVES Lazaro in the chest, which knocks him backward into the ropes, where a dude with a chicken head... the Cock, I guess, blind-tags in. He hops over the rope and BITCH-SLAPS Gigante across the face! The dumbass sprints away while Gigante builds up some kind of rage giving him retard strength! He makes a charge for the Cock, but the Cock jumps off his knee and SHINING WIZARD TO THE SKULL!!! FIGHTING COCK!!! The big dude goes down like a sack of poop, and the Cock gets a cover! The rest of the Seven are holding back the remnants of Team GATITO and the nerds while the ref counts, and the dude gets a three! The Seven just won the first title match of the night, awesometown!

Rating: ****, defo. This match was CRAZY! I guess time constraints kept them from doing more, but I would've LOVED to see it! Any fed where this many damn people can compete in the tag division is a good one in my book!

There's a fifteen minute intermission where I take my piss while everyone is scraped off of the ringside. When I get back, Tim Topp and Gatito Cerebro are already in the ring, and Adam Wilson is making his re-entry. Strap in, kids. This match has a LOT to live up to.

MEDAL OF ACCOLADES MATCH: Adam Wilson vs. Tim Topp vs. Gatito Cerebro

I'm really curious who's gonna take home the medal here. Wilson and Gatito are definitely in better condition than Tim, but he also had the longest rest break between his match and the main event. Plus he's got another pint, so... you know.

We start off with Wilson and Cerebro, which is good for Tim 'cuz it gives him time to dust off the foam from his beer and swill it down. Wilson hits a windmill kick on Cerebro, but Cerebro gets RIGHT back up. He winds around Wilson's side and locks in an abdominal stretch, punishing Adam's torso. Nice work, that's where he was taking the majority of his bumps back in the last match. Tim decides it's time to get involved and sort of just starts punching Adam in his exposed stomach. Adam cracks him in the waist with a toe kick and backpedals Cerebro into the turnbuckle, escaping the hold. Tim charges Adam, but Adam feints to the side, and Cerebro gets SPEARED in the gut! Adam laughs and springboards off the second rope into a backflip that sees his ass crashing into Topp's head. He stomps on Tim after the ass-head move before the aching Gatito gets out of the turnbuckle and rolls him into a backslide pin. Man, this guy brings back moves my grandpa's forgotten!

Cerebro only gets the two, which is just as well since Tim Topp is up again, shaking the cobwebs out of his head. He locates where he set down his pint and takes a long drink before having what seems to be a quick heart-to-heart with his cricket bat. "Moral support". I guess that's what it's there for, eh? Gatito has sort of an Oklahoma roll full nelson sort of thing going on, I think that might be Gatito Sumisión Especial. Wilson looks generally annoyed and in pain, and Tim Topp comes to the rescue, with a London's Calling missile dropkick to Gatito's masked face! The Urban Tarzan celebrates for a moment while Gatito rolls outside the ring and opens up his book. Adam slumps to the side and the referee (who looks familiar as HELL, where do I know him from?) checks on him. Tim sees Gatito outside and the ref not looking, grabs Clyde and slides out of the ring. He creeps up on him and SHI-CRACK! Tim's got wood! Adam's to his feet, but still looking a bit woozy. Tim drops the bat and slides into the ring, sprinting to his feet and toward Adam and NAILING HIM in the skull with the second Winchester we've seen tonight! Tim rolls up Adam for the three count, and there's a delightful celebration as the ref draps the Medal of Accolades around his neck.

Rating: ***1/2 After the last match, I think it lacked something. But that was a hard match to follow. Still, each guy did a damn fine job and I enjoyed it. Not quite average, not quite stellar.

The Final Word: Other than someone having spraypainted "Man U Rulez" on my car's hood while I was in the Elite Sports Complex, the night was a great one. I really liked the guys we got to see in action this week, and the site tells me they've got a seriously burgeoning roster, so there'll be more to check out two weeks from now. If you're in the area, give SLA a look. Tickets are cheap and the show is great. If you're not, then I suggest you petition for some DVDs. You won't be disappointed.
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