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| So close it tickles....; Now in colour! (Or color...) | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 5 2007, 02:07 AM (42 Views) | |
| SirColbertTottington | Jul 5 2007, 02:07 AM Post #1 |
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General....? General Mortimer....? LORD GENERAL MORTIMER IGNEOUS?! Wow he's a loud one. This unusual posh English accent screams through the blackness of our screens. The camera fades in to see none other than Sir Colbert Tottington. He is sitting at a desk in a large black leather chair. He is side on to the desk, with the desk on his left hand side. He sits, arms on the arm rests and hands together, both index fingers pointing up pressing against his mouth. He sits in this position of waiting. Behind him on the desk is a computer screen, showing the FIW.com homepage. On there the front page story is the return of Matt Impact. Into the room bursts Lord General Mortimer Igneous, wearing his beefeater outfit. For those people that didn't see their segment on ReVolt, Sir Colbert is in fact Maj Tahal...but he apparantly has no clue who Maj Tahal is. And obviously Lord General Mortimer is General Kumar Singh. General: Yes sir? Colbert: What is this? General: It appears to be a computer, sir. Colbert: Yes I can see that. What's on it? General: The FIW.com homepage, sir. Colbert: And what is on that? General: Well it appears to be a headline about Matt Impact, sir. Sir Colbert fills with sarcastic glee. Colbert: Exactly, General. What does it not have a headline of? General: Well, many things sir. Colbert: It does not report my arrival, General. And why is that? General: Well, I suppose they felt that the return of their veteran former champion in a shock arrival was more of a scoop than you, sir. Colbert: Yes. Again I ask, why? General: Why, sir? I'm afraid I don't follow. Colbert: Well, I believe it was Shakespeare that said "PAY THEM FUCKING OFF!" General: ...I see, sir. Colbert: Dear God, General, stop refering to me as sir. You've known me for 15 years now, you are allowed to say a sentence without it. General: Oh right, yes Si...I mean, Colbert. Colbert: That's better. Now then, enough tiffle taffle, what's on the agenda this week? General: Well it appears that there's been a mix up with your match. Colbert: In what way? General: Well, do you remember how we agreed on a Dual Championship Contendership match? Colbert: Yes... General: Well it appears to be against more than one opponent. Colbert: A three-way match? General: More like a 15-way match. Colbert: ...what? General: They have apparantly tricked you into a 15-man battle royal, citing that they never agreed on the number of opponents in the contract. Colbert: This is an outrage! General: I know, I appologise. It's a minor setback, but I'm sure we... Cobert: Minor setback? Losing India was a minor setback, this is the America. General: Now I'm sure that this match can't be compared to when the traitorous colonists suddenly attacked their own countrymen, claiming that they were then of a different nationality and that Britain was suddenly an oppressor. Colbert: Yes I do know the details of the American War of Independance thank you. A few little taxes and they start building a militia and allying themselves with the French. Well to be honest, anyone that would willingly ally with the French is not wanted by us anyway. General: Quite so. Colbert: I forgot what we were talking about now. General: Your match this week. Colbert: Ah yes. This calls for drastic action. I will have to refer to the "Big Book of Wrestling Entertainment". Sir Colbert suddenly reaches under the desk and pulls out a very large and heavy looking book. It's red, and on the cover is written in gold "Big Book of Wrestling Entertainment". He opens it up to the first page, where there's a contents. Colbert: Let's see....hmm...how to fake your own death...product placement...explaning why you fire the talent...ah here we are. "Convincing the management". Colbert then flicks through the book, and stops on a page, beginning to read outloud. Colbert: In wrestling, it is quite often that you will be put into situations that you do not want to be in. You always have two options in this situation. One is what is refered to as the "Vinnie Mac" approach. Take a lot of "prescription" steroids, until you can be pushed as a monster, which some companies believe is what fans always want to see. The other option is to begin making amusing promos. Smart, witty comments and amusing insults to opponents give you the "multi-talented" look, while interesting and original promos with comedic moments and clever situations make good TV, which is what management is looking for in the end. General: So, which are you going to choose? Colbert: Hmm I think the second one. I tried a roll of cannabis in university once and woke up next to Stephen Fry. General: Wise choice, sir. Colbert: Right well I suppose I'll have to get started writing. General: No need, I've hired us 4 writers. Colbert: Really? General: Yes. The first is Steven Moffat. Colbert: Who? General: Wrote that popular series Coupling. Like the British Friends, with smarter storylines. They tried to make an American version... Colbert: But it's already a British version of Friends. General: Needless to say it failed to do well. Next is Simon Amstell. He hosts Nevermind the Buzzcocks and write for programmes such as Skins. Colbert: I see. Should be interesting... General: Yes. And finally we have Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg, writers of such films as Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Colbert: Excellent. May I ask you one question? General: Yes. Colbert: Why have I not heard of any of these writers and why have I not heard of the shows or films they wrote? General: They're very popular all around Britain, sir. Colbert: Fire them. General: I beg your pardon? Colbert: If I'm going to be the Champion of this company I don't want some second rate writers making me tell jokes about Gregory Brown or whatever that Scot's name is. General: ...do you mean the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown? Colbert: That's the one... General: Well of course it's up to you sir, but I can promise you this team of writers will give you the funniest promos in the company. Colbert: Well if I'm going to make it big here, I'm going to need to see what Americans like, so a team of "New Age" British comedians is not going to help me. We need to get ourselves some real Americans. General: Are you sure that's wise? Colbert: It's our only hope. I know too well I can face these men in the ring, I just need to get myself noticed outside of it too. Fetch me three average Americans immediately. General: What, right now? Colbert: Well of course, the deadline is very soon... General: Deadline? Colbert: Don't question, just fetch! General: Yes, sir. Our camera fades out on this totally fucked up scene. But wait, we're fading back in onto an even more fucked up scene. Sir Colbert and Lord General Mortimer are standing next to three people. The first is a large obese man. His t-shirt, that reads "True American" does not fit over his robust stomache. His hairy belly is scary, and probably even worse on HD. He has a red sweaty face with short brown hair. Next to him is a woman wearing a shirt, jacket and skirt, looking like a secretary or something. She's wearing glasses and stands very straight. Her hair is tied back, with her lips pursed, as she stands looking straight ahead. Next to her is another man, this time who appears to be Mexican. He's wearing a plain beige t-shirt, and shorts with sandals. Boy is he a stereotype.... Colbert: So then General what do we have here? General: Well we have three different American ways of life. First off we have Phil McLain, a flag waving American from Alabama. Next is Samantha Jones, a conservative and very righteous woman. Finally, we have Pablo. He's Mexican. Colbert: What are his traits? General: ...He's Mexican. Colbert: ...and? General: It's equivilant to saying he's Irish. Colbert: Oh I see. Well then let's start with Phil. The two walk up to the large man. Colbert: So then Philip, tell me about yourself. Phil: Well sir I was born and raised in Alabama. I live with my wife and 17 children in our trailer. I've lived in this country for 47 years and there ain't nothing more satisfying than having a beer and watching some real man's sport. Colbert: Like wrestling? Phil: Yes siree. Or football. Or NASCAR. Or Monster Trucks. Or fishing. Colbert: Fishing? Phil: With dynamite. General: My lord, is that legal? Phil: Hell pretty much anything's legal where I come from. Colbert: You know General, as vulgar as this man is, I think I'm rather attracted to the ways of the south. I mean, by the looks of it we're both inbred. General: Yes sir, although I believe his was through choice. Phil: Hey you better not be mouthing off my cousin/wife. Colbert: Your cousin/wife? Phil: Yeah, although also technically my sister. Colbert: How do you mean technically? Phil: Literally. Colbert: I see...so then, anyway, what would you like to see in a promo? Phil: A what? Colbert: A wrestling promo. What appeals to you that you'd like to see me do? Phil: Well son you gotta have yourself some guns. And some tits. Oh, and maybe some country and western in the background. Colbert: I see. Anything that's not stereotypical? Phil: Nah son I ain't into all that jazz shit. Colbert: What? General: I do believe his dialect skills are slightly less advanced than ours. Colbert: I gathered. Well thank you Phil, your input has been vital to my work. Phil: Pleasure. Now, do I get my money. General: If you'd like to just walk out that door, you shall be paid momentarily. Phil: What ever you say, commie. Phil walks out of camera shot. General: Commie? Colbert: I believe he was refering to your hat, similar in style to the Russians. Commie I suppose means Communist. Perhaps he still thinks the Cold War is happening. General: Probably thinks the Cold War is what the nickname for Ice Hockey is. Colbert: Well onward Christian soldiers. Colbert and General move onto Samantha Jones. Colbert: And you must be Samantha Jones. Samantha: That's correct. Colbert: Well tell me about yourself then. Samantha: I believe in the three Cs.Conservatism, Christianity and Conneticut. Colbert: Hmm, I see. Mind explaining? Samantha: Well Conservatism since the Liberals have made this country into a joke. I believe that homosexuality is morally wrong, that real men shoot British on sight, and that George Bush was and is the greatest asset this country has. Colbert: You do realise that the General and I are British, right? Samantha: Whatever, Sanjeev. Secondly Christianity. I believe that Jesus would cry if he saw some of the sins that are commited in modern day society. God had a book written so that even the most idiotic man can read what's right and what's wrong, yet still there are some people that wave their penises around like party balloons. Colbert: Well...I...I mean...what? Samantha: And finally Conneticut. Pure, beautiful, and definately NOT full of trailer trash. I live there with my husband and two children, and we each have 12 bathrooms each. It's far more hygenic. Colbert: Umm wow. So you believe that every family in America should be like that? Samantha: Good lord no. That's Communism. Colbert: *sigh* I see. Well then what would you like to see in a wrestling promo? Samantha: I can't believe I'm lowering myself to this. Ah well, I suppose I can make the best of a bad situation. You have to make sure that the true Conservative message is spread. Speak of the three Cs. Make sure that you also have the national anthem in the background and maybe a flag too. Colbert: I see. Are all these COMPLETELY essential for my promo? Samantha: Well of course they are! Now if you don't mind, I have my 4x4 still running outside. With that said, Samantha walks off. Colbert looks at the General. Colbert: I'm starting to regret this. Well let's finish this off. Pablo, tell me something interesting about yourself. Pablo: No hablo inglés. No soy incluso mexicano. Por favor darme el dinero así que puedo irme. Si deseas mi consejo, debes perder este truco, él no trabajas para ti. Colbert: ...Lord General, I have a question. General: Yes? Colbert: How did you aquire a man that does not even speak English. General: I just...searched for the first Mexican I could an...pulled him into the Rolls without asking... Colbert: Well this is a tragedy. How will I know what this demographic will want? General: ...Wear a sombrero? Colbert: That...just might work. Right, order some guns, some topless women, a country and western singer to do the American national anthem, an American flag and a sombrero for next week. General: Next week? But what about this week? Colbert: Please, they know if I put this much effort into creating a storyline, then my wrestling ability will be tenfold. I already have that match won, my friend. All that's left is to kick back and have some grits. General: What exactly are...grits? Colbert: I'm not quite sure. I'd guess deep fried gravel. Only one way to find out though... Camera cuts out. |
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2:34 PM Jul 11