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| The Perfect Promo; Or so it would seem... | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 12 2007, 01:18 AM (49 Views) | |
| Mike DeWatt | Jul 12 2007, 01:18 AM Post #1 |
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Our camera, as always, starts off black. Then a random, typical voice-over style voice starts...voice-overing...boy that sentence is crap. Voice-over: This promo is presented to you by Sir Colbert Tottington and Lord General Mortimer Igneous, recorded on the 10th of July 2007. It represents what an American would consider a perfect promo, after their own imperical research. If any wrestlers watching this would afterwards like advice on how to create similarly perfect promos, please call 090 4357 631. That's 090 HELP ME!. Thank you. What a plug, huh? Well after that interesting introduction, the camera begins to fade in. We come in onto what appears to be some sort of wooden wall or something. We are outside, yet where we are is a complete mystery. Just then, someone walks into camera. They are wearing a tweed jacket, with a v-neck sweater underneath. Under that is a checked shirt with a brown tie. With an unfashionable get-up like that it can only be one person. Sir Colbert Tottington, smiling with that inbred smile. Something is out of place on him though, that being the fact he's wearing a rather large sombrero. Why is he doing this? Because it's what the American public want...apparantly. He begins to speak to the camera in his absurdly posh English accent. Colbert: Greeting's my Totties. Yes, that's what I'm calling you from now on. It's a play on my name Tottington. You are my fans, so you are my Totties. Get used to it. Just then, there's the voice of Lord General Mortimer Igneous off camera. General: Sir it doesn't work as well when you completely explain it... Colbert: They're hicks, General! If I didn't explain, they'd believe I was refering to them as some sort of confectionary. General: I suppose so. Colbert: Now, as I was saying. Welcome to what I would like to call the perfect promo. This is because I have taken what a wide variety of Americans told me and put it into a promo. General: Wide variety? Colbert: Well those three people were all completely different. In fact, one of the Americans was so different, he was Mexican. General: Doesn't that make him not an American? Colbert: Now Mexico is still part of North America. He's just not, as he would call, "estadounidense". From the United States. General: I see... Colbert: Now stop interupting! As I was saying. This promo will be, without a doubt, the greatest of all time. Some of you may be wondering where we actually are. Well I can tell you we are at a place that will go down in history. General: A disused barn? Colbert: STOP INTERUPTING!!! General: ...sorry. Colbert: Well as Lord General Mortimer rightly, although rudely, said, we are at a disused barn. Where better to place the promo than the place of many American conceptions? Inside I have everything you people would want. I will speak about what you people want to hear. And of course, talk of my match as well. My opponent Christopher seems to have forgotten about our match. His promo consisted of appologising to some gender-confused man called Lynn. I do hope his efforts in the ring are slightly more impressive than his efforts in creating interesting viewing. Well enough chat our here, it's time to make Odin and Elrick look like the smelly piles of turd they really are. Sir Colbert starts walking to his side, along the front of what we can now assume is the outside of the barn that was mentioned. We come to a big pair of doors. Colbert stops here and turns to the camera. Colbert: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, The Colbettes. Colbert pushes the two doors open. The barn itself is nothing spectucular, yet at the far end of the barn is a stage, and what is on that stage is spectacular. On there, in front of a huge American flag, are 5 topless women holding country and western instruments. An attractive skinny redhead on drums, brunette on double bass, pretty blonde on guitar, another, light brown haired girl on piano, and at the front mic is a very sexy blonde with a great pair of....eyes (bet you didn't think I was going to say that you dirty bastards). The stage is decorated with an interesting assortment of guns, from shotguns, to automatic machine guns, couple of handguns in the holsters of the lead singer as well. As soon as the doors open, the drummer counts them in, to do an interesting cover of the American national anthem, country and western style. Colbert stands and watches as the camera comes in, doing some very specific close ups...if you know what I mean. Singer: O say, can you see, Colbert's here for us all, What so proudly he hailed from Cambridgeshire in England, Whose broad shoulders are great, and muscles to envy He will rule o'er us all, he's so gallantly handsome And this week he will fight, prove his strength and might He will defeat that poof and the hairy biker O say, can you feel his greatness supreme He's the king of FIW....and we're his queens. As it finishes Colbert starts clapping. Colbert: Now wasn't that just something else?! I mean never have truer words been said. I would like to thank the Colbettes for giving such a rousing performance of your national anthem. Singer: Umm yeah your welcome hun, where's our $500? Colbert: Haha the folly of rednecks...*hushed commanding* General get them out of here! Colbert looks back at the camera, smile slightly more forced now. The General now comes into the background towards the stage, ushering off the girls. Colbert quickly walks to his right, circling the camera until the stage is out of view. With the background frivolities out of sight, Sir Colbert continues. Colbert: So then after that delightful start I can give you the speech I prepared. I have it memorised so that I will not be distracted by the terrible coarse quality of your paper of here. Voice: GET YOUR HANGS OFF ME! The camera suddenly turns to the stage, just in time to see the General get slapped by the pianist. Colbert: What you you doing General?! Pianist: I'll tell you what he's doing! This here communist just damn harrassed me! Colbert: What?! General: I did no such thing, sir! I merely asked if she wanted me to help keeping up with her crotchets. Colbert: ...what? Pianist: I don't know what he's going on about but you gunna all hear from my lawyer. General: Alright, off you go now. Pianist: Don't you touch me! Fucking commie bastards.... General: Why do these Southerners all believe me to be Communist? Colbert: *sigh* Bring the camera back this way. The camera turns to Colbert once more. Colbert: Well this is going down as well as a Pete Doherty speech in a Royal Banquet. Uncomfortable silence. As uncomfortable as if a homeless guy feeling your leg while he sits next to you on the bus. Colbert: You'd get it if you were English...I'm sure of it... More uncomfortable silence. Imagine the homeless guy's now cupping your crotch... Colbert: Umm well anyway. This week I face two men that literally break the three Cs that hold our society together. When I say our, I mean yours, and when I say society, I mean something similar to how monkeys choose who to have sex with. But anyway, these three Cs. Firstly, Conservatism. Now, this Odin character is what Conservatives refer to as "the missing link". The hairy gorilla probably hasn't figured out how to even use a pen yet, never mind actually getting on his disgustingly ruined motocycle and going to vote. This irrefutably ugly beast really does make me sick to my stomach. How could such a disgusting thing be let into such a elegant business. He hardly deserves minimum wage never mind the highly overpaid salary that some how this horrific pea-brain sized....sweaty....hairy....God I've forgotten what comes next. Yep, another uncomfortable silence. Imagine that homeless guy's wart covered hand's now slipped in your underwear and is gently caressing the inside while he breathes close to your face. The General rushes on and hands Colbert some paper with writing on. Colbert: Thank you General. Eurgh the coarseness...anyways. Yes here we are. That some how this horrific pea-brain sized Homo erectus has gotten himself. And Yes I do believe he just laughed at the word erectus. Now Elrick, I believe, is the living incarnation of a democrat. I useless sappy middle aged man that wants the best for families and can't see the fact that his morals are looser than a rent-boys anus. This horrible wet half-man truely makes me sick to my stomache. I mean how can anyone live the way he does. I do truely believe that he had a packet of sugar poured into either eye when he was a child, because the way he views the world is just not realistic. It's like the man has no backbone, and then believes the World will be just like him. Typical anti-Conservative...what's that word say? Cock-wad? Whatever that is... Ah right, this bit. Right, I will have to warn you this next paragraph my contradict what I've just said, but then again Conservatism and Christianity hardly seem to be suitable partners. Well then, Odin and Christianity. I do believe the only way these two would ever been seen together is that he's possiblly got Jesus on a crucfix tattooed on his penis. He lives to drink beer and pleasure himself thinking about terrible sins. He believes himself, not only to be some sort of B.O. smelling creature from the lagoon, but also some sort of God. Now there is only one God, and that be God himself. To say there is any other is a sin in itself. I would call you the son of Lucifer himself but you'd probably find that a compliment, so instead I shall just say this: you will burn in the pits of hell long after I defeat you this week. Now Elrick is a man truely of sin. He cares not for his family, and according to reports, visits ladies of the night for out-of-marraige relations that are acts of sin in God's eyes. He pisses onto crosses, slaps nuns for fun, and once exposed himself during a children's nativity show. In fact, one website known as www.flappywetlips.com revealed that he once joined a monastary of monks just so he could secretly drug them all and then shave off their pubic hair, sticking it back on in the bald bit in the middle of their heads. Needless to say that this man truely is the anti-christ. Elrick, I do believe that you will be the cause of the Apocalypse. Now then finally the last C....Conneticut.... Neither of you...live...in Conneticut...shame on you! Colbert then suddenly crumples up the paper and throws it behind him. Colbert: Oh this promo was a disaster! It was far from perfect and you know why?! Because I listened to you, the public. You are all just a bunch of philistines, nothing more than moronic cretins. How the hell do these Three Cs relate to wrestling?! They are completely useless. And as for that vulgar display earlier...eurgh. Listen I've had enough. Before I waste anymore time on you stupid brain-dead lot I'm going to send a message to Odin and Elrick. This time, however, I'm saying what I want. Odin, last week you showed everyone that you mean business. But guess what. Size and strength get you nowhere. This company is not one where you get anywhere just because you were born lucky. It's a place that rewards the men that have earnt what they have achieved. That's why I am where I am. I will prove to you this week that you are nothing more than a small smudge on my radar screen. I will make you feel 2 foot tall. You do not scare me. I find the idea of the new Conservative party in Britain scarier than you. You're the kind of person that said that they could relate to the movie Wild Hogs. Simple fact is, I do not have time for people like you. They say don't judge a book by it's cover, but you're not a book, you're nothing more than a mere leaflet, printed on cheap paper in black white on one side, telling me in very simple words all I need to know. You're not going to last Odin, and I'm the first one to show that. And Elrick. You've been here for how long? Yet still you haven't ever reached that pinnacle known as the DC Title. Now how can one man be here for so long and achieve so little? I mean are you even really a wrestler? Or do you have another job here, and you just wrestle part time? Are you a caretaker? Being English like me I assume you know I mean caretaker in the janitorial sense? Am I asking too many questions? Does my hair look good? What came first, chicken or egg? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man? Can you feel the love tonight? DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING?! The answer to the last one is no. You do not know anything. You believe that you can defeat me. You believe you are vital to this company. You believe America was a wise place to raise children. You are wrong. This week will be the start of something beautiful, something magnificent, something that will echo throughout the ages. Sir Colbert Tottington will claim FIW and all of it's inhabitants will kneel before me. This week is the start of my reign here. *Hillbilly accent* "And I bet y'all can't wait" Camera cuts out. |
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