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| Channel Surfing; [La Lesbiana Fantastica] | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 17 2007, 09:08 PM (49 Views) | |
| Wigumoto | Jul 17 2007, 09:08 PM Post #1 |
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NPC
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Ah the San Jose arena. I know what you’re all thinking, that there’s no big history lesson to be learnt here. It’s an arena, in San Jose, so it’s called the San Jose arena. Yeah that makes sense right? Well you’d be wrong mister, damn wrong. See, back in 1906 the city of San Jose was attacked by a fifty foot Lindsey Lohan, who rampaged through the city causing millions of dollars in damage. She was only stopped when a man named Sam Jose, who was in town to file a lawsuit for copyright infringement, backed his pick up truck into her Achilles heel, which, ironically, turned out to be her Achilles heel. She melted into a viscous liquid which would later be used to form the Great Lakes and on the site of her defeat the locals constructed a sports arena in honour of their hero. Built mostly from the giant Lohan’s ribcage, the Sam Jose arena was later renamed when it as discovered that their “savior” only accidentally defeated the monster while trawling for hookers. …What? Well try and do this every week. I mean, there’s very little comedy to be had in the name “San Jose”. Where do you go with that one? Seriously. Anyway, we join our heroine, Lesbiana Fantastica as she enters her locker room. That’s right, she’s got a locker room. Why wouldn’t she? Jaime has one. I think. So she walks into her locker room and tosses her bag on the couch, a sigh of relief exhaling from her beneath her mask as she falls into the sofa’s comfy cushions. She’s still dressed in her street clothes, no where near ready for match time but that’s of no importance right now. What is of importance is the giant 42” television sat across from her. She stares at herself in the screen’s reflection for a few moments before snatching up the remote and clicking it on…and getting quite the fright as the face of Herman Cardgage appears before her. Herman: Salugreetings kind sir. Lesbiana stares blankly at the screen for a few moments…before reaching for the remote and turning the Tv off. That was just scary. Herman: I’m still here. Lesbiana’s eyes widen as the muffled voice of FIW’s most…interesting personality still emanates from the dormant television. She flicks the set back on and once again Herman’s face fills the screen. Herman: Thank you. Lesbiana: …What the dilly-o is going on? Are you in my Tv? Herman: Yes. Yes I am. Lesbiana: …Why? Herman: Why what? Our protagonist twitches slightly the man behind the screen answers her question with a question. She thinks about it for a moment before something else buzzes across her frontal lobe. Lesbiana: Did you…did you hollow out my television? Herman: No, don’t be sillydiculus. Well that’s a relief at least. 42” Tvs don’t come cheap. Herman: I got some grunt to do it. For quite a reasonable fee I might add. Ms Fantastica’s eyes bulge at the sheer amount of effort this man has put in just to appear inside her television. And then wonders where all the stuff from inside said television is right now. And then goes on to wonder if a semi-literate Mexican/Aussie wrestler would be able to reconstruct said stuff into some sort of workable television receiver. Or at maybe even a time machine. Her quickly de-railing train of thought comes to an abrupt stop as Herman speaks up. Herman: I’m here for interviewing purposes. That is I ask you questions, you answer them, we all have cake. Lesbiana: There’s cake!? Ooh, that perked her up. Herman: Cake? No, where would I get cake from? Lesbiana: But you just said -- Herman: No one said anything about cake. Herman looks genuinely bemused at Lesbiana’s sudden interest in cake, and in fact both of them look at each other as if the other is certifiably insane. Herman: I’m here to talk to you about your match. An intriguingly tricksy, enigmatically complex tissue of divided friendship and broken dreams all played out by a quartet of delectable wenches in the circle of square this coming week. Now she’s totally lost. She recognized the words but sentence itself was far too much for her already addled mind to cope with. She thinks on it for a moment before exclaiming… Lesbiana: OH! You mean the tag match! Herman: Affirmative. Lesbiana: Yeah, it totally sucks. I mean, I knew me and Jay would have to throw down at some point, but not in some crappy inter-gender tag match. Inter-what now? Herman is confused. Herman want explanation. Herman: Inter-gender? Lebsiana adopts the look of “Duh” Lesbiana: Well yeah. As in mixed gender. As in me and Kailey versus Jay and that Asian dude. Now it’s Herman’s turn to stare blankly ahead in wrought confusion. Herman: You mean Momoko? But Momoko is a lady good sir. Lesbiana: Really!? Wow. I though she was one of those really effeminate looking Asian guys that dress in gothic lolita drag and go to conventions and stuff. Oh man, now I have to rethink my whole strategy. Herman: Which was? Lesbiana: Kick him in he jimmies. Herman: Ah. Lesbiana looks distraught, and who can blame her. Think of all the time she’s wasted on such a brilliantly in depth plan of attack. She pulls her feet up under her and rests her head in her hands. Lesbiana: This is the worst match ever. I gotta fight my BFF, for no real reason. I mean, when the title’s on the line at least there’s a point to it all, but this is just…just pointless. It’s both cruel and unusual. And! And I have to team with Kailey McBithy-Bitch. Did you see what she did to her team mate last week? She hit her with a freakin’ chair! I mean, I know it was only Zesboca and nobody likes her anyway, but I don’t wanna have to be watching my opponent AND my partner. I’m gonna have to have eyes in the back of my head, like and owl or something. Herman: I don’t think owls have eyes in the back of their -- Save it Herman, she ain’t listening. She’s just ranting on regardless. Lesbiana: And for some reason the powers that be have decided to throw Momoko into the mix. Apparently “she”… Lesbiana makes little quite signs with her fingers as she speaks, apparently not quite buying the fact that Momoko is a female lady. Lesbiana: …hit me with a stop sign once. I dunno. I’ve been in so many hardcore matches with so many mediocre middle carders that I can’t be expected to remember all of them. And my super awesome plan to kick Mr Wakari in the bollocks REALLY hard as all fallen to pieces because, apparently, he doesn’t have any. She buries her head deep into her hands as her world is turned upside down around her. Awww. Herman feels a little awkward, and so tries to comfort her from across the room. Herman: Erm, there there? Lesbiana: I appreciate the effort Herman, but right now I think I’d rather just be alone with my thoughts. And so she picks up the remote and flicks the Tv off, before falling to her side and curling up on the big comfy couch. Perhaps she just needs a rest, a little time to herself to try and get her head straight. Let’s leave her be shall we? Herman: …I’m still here. Fade. |
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2:34 PM Jul 11