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| Live Free or Fly Hard; Taboos be fucked | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 19 2007, 12:36 AM (53 Views) | |
| Mike DeWatt | Jul 19 2007, 12:36 AM Post #1 |
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Well you're reading this for 1 of 3 reasons. You're an opponent this week, so you're sizing me up, you're a judge, meaning your here to see if I deserve anything, or my clever and intruiging title for this RP drew you in, even though you having nothing to do with my match. For the first two, this RP is for you, and for the last one, thank you for joining us, your reward is this interesting fact: Today (18th July), in 0064, the Great Fire of Rome began. There, wasn't that rewarding? Now then, our camera cuts in straight away, and right from the start you can tell something's different. It would appear that the camera is in black and white, and is concealed in what is most likely a cupboard of sorts. It is reminiscent of a hidden camera. Through the crack of the door we can see into a room, although no furniture or anything of the sorts can be seen. The sound of a door opening can be heard though. Just then, Sir Colbert Tottington and Lord General Mortimer Igneous walk into the room, talking. Colbert: Another Triple Threat match?! I mean who do they think they are dealing with here?! Last week I defeated to the two extremes of this company, the grizzled old timer Elrick, and the up and coming monster Odin. Any other person would've been rewarded straight away for such an impressive victory. Yet for no apparant reason what so ever, they try to totally ignore me, instead placing me in yet another 3-way, this is time with it being Plane-Hard or something... General: Flycore... Colbert: What the hell is that?! General: It's a type of division here in FIW sir. I'm not quite sure on the specifics that entail it, but I'm sure that it's something Americans love to watch. Colbert: Meaning? General: Well, it's most likely something to do with action. It would appear to be a play on the word Hardcore, most likely a division which promotes both the no-holds-barred aspects of Hardcore Wrestling, with the high flying and dangerous moves of Division X style wrestling. Colbert: Dear god...you mean...? General: Yes. The ultimate insult to pure man's wrestling. The twisted mutated wrestling baby, the Frankenstein monster of FIW if you will. Colbert: And they want to put me, a knight of the realm, into this utter disgrace of a match? General: Against a lap dancer and a hoodie. Colbert: Good lord! What on earth do I do to battle that?! General: Well my advice is not to take the "Conservative" approach. Colbert: What? David Cameron's Hug a Hoodie? General: That would be what I was refering to, yes sir. Colbert: No I shan't be doing that. General: But more urgent matters are present at the moment, sir. Colbert: What's that? General: Your promo. You're supposed to promo at least once a week, and the deadline is fast approaching. Colbert: Why do they have a deadline, again? General: So that they can edit it all together in time. Colbert: I see...so what did you have in mind? General: Well seeming as you're new to the company, so you neither know much of the match or your opponents, perhaps some satire. Colbert: In what way? General: I'm thinking parodies and movies. Colbert: A great combination. Like chalk and cheese, or Brad and Jen. General: I think you will find those are bad combinations, sir... Colbert: Whatever! Grab our coats and let's sketch it up! The General walks straight towards the cupboard our randomly hidden camera is in. He opens the door of it and grabs some coats. He then looks down and notices the camera. He looks straight into it. He then leans in staring close, before saying: General: I never knew we had a teddy bear in here... The General then turns around, shutting the cupboard doors behind him. The camera cuts out. Over this blackness eventually, a voice is heard. It is that same old movie trailer type voice which makes everything seem big and impressive. Voice: This week will be the action-packed violence-fest of the Summer. Bruce Williston and his tight white vests return in "LIVE FREE OR FLY HARD". The camera suddenly fades in on Colbert Tottington. We're in what appears to be an appartment, only there's not much in it other than a couch. There's a window behind Colbert. It's night time, and Colbert stands staring straight into the camera. He's wearing combat trousers and a tight white vest. And I mean very tight. Actually I believe it's for ages 8-10...making it appear to be more of a sports bra. He looks like he's been in a couple of explosions or something since he has some dirt on him and looks a bit grubby. However, the most noticable thing (apart from the vest) is his bald cap. The nicely worn bald cap gives off the realistic "Bruce Willis" effect. Colbert holds in his hands some sort of semi-automatic weapon, and has a small cigar sticking out of his mouth. Colbert begins to speak, in a gruff American accent. Colbert: Yippie-kay-yay Mother FIW'ers. I'm here to stop some international terrorists or some shit, that plan to poison the world with bad acting and stereotypes! This here fuckin' shit is like a preview or something. I don't know...ain't my muscle tits hot?! Look at them! I'm freakin' 52 years old and I can make them dance! Look at them dance! Go on, dance boys! Colbert, or "Bruce" looks down at his chest, where he starts to make his pecs "dance". Suddenly a door to the right of the camera bursts down. The camera spins and sees....oh dear God no...please don't tell me he has...please no... He has. The General has blacked up. Lord General Mortimer Igneous has blacked up. He stands in the door wearing a baggy hoodie and baggy tracksuit trousers. They're white, and have G-Unit logos on them. Instead of his beefeater hat, he wears a cap. General: Yo yo yo it's me homeboi, Shaun Wilson. Colbert: What the fuck do you want? General: Can't you tell?! I'm here representin' my homies down in the hood. Colbert: Representin' your homies? General: Yeah, because we all speak like this and like Malcolm X is my idol because he was like a black leader and I am the next Malcolm X because I is black and I is a leader too, like. Colbert: ...Did you just compare yourself to Malcolm X? General: Not compere, I is the next one, no doubt. We were fighting for the same things, like. Colbert: Such as? General: ...Flycore Championship... Colbert: You believe that Malcolm X would give a shit about the Flycore Championship? General: I...I...I is black! Colbert: Why the hell is your race part of your gimmick? What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you just be Shaun Wilson? Instead of Shaun Wilson - Stereotype of Ghetto Life. General: But...I...well... Hey Colbert's not even in character as Bruce Willis anymore. He's just gone into rant mode...in fact his English accent's even gone. For a strange reason he almost sounds Indian... Colbert: I mean come on. I know that I sometimes play up the British thing a bit but that's because its more of a play on class and misconception. You on the other hand are completely taking advantage on you heritage and using it to make it seem like all coloured people act like this. And to then compare yourself to inspirational Black leaders is an insult. These men fought through oppression for the rights they deserved, not earned money wrestling while breaking the bridges built by men such as Malcolm X and Doctor Martin Luther King. I accept that Malcolm X was an extremist, sometimes was as bad as the people he was fighting, saying that blacks were better than whites, but that man, a controversial and perhaps racist leader, is still a far greater person than you. You do nothing more than satisfy those middle class white Americans that felt the Dave Chappelle show was "a chance to laugh at those blacks without being told off". General: ...I...I..ALRIGHT I ADMIT IT! I'M A FAKE! A PHONY! The General, or "Shaun", rips off his cap and starts rubbing his face, removing some of the make-up. General: I'm only half-caste. My father is African American, and is a coperate banker. My mother is a white teacher. I come from a middle class family. I was picked on in school for being smart, and I was the head of the chess club. I just thought that if I acted like that here then maybe I'd be respected. But I was only lying to myself. I thought if I put in a Ali-G reference in my promo then people wouldn't suspect I was pulling a similar trick. Just without the good message. "Shaun" begins to cry. Colbert starts smiling. Colbert: Well it's about time. But seeming as I'm still here to destroy you... Colbert suddenly fires his gun at "Shaun". Bursts of blood come out of his chest, as he goes hurling to the floor. Colbert's back in Bruce mode. Colbert: Fucking cunt... Voice: Shut up Tanya! Colbert: What the fuck? Colbert turns to his right. The camera pans across left (as Colbert's right is our left), to see the General in another doorway. This time his get up is even more cringeworthy... He's wearing a brunette wig. He then wears a purple lycra bra and pants. Then purple leather high heeled boots. That's all. Whether it's the amount of body hair, or the feeling that he's enjoying the costume which is the most disturbing, I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that this is a very dark day for television. Colbert: Zebosca?! General: Silence Tanya! It's my turn to speak now Tanya! Listen Tanya, I've had enough. I can't take it anymore Tanya! You're a little slut, Tanya! I hate your little guts Tanya! I'm a fucking hypocrite Tanya! I danced for ugly drunken hair Egyptian men while they masturbated, Tanya! But you're still worse since you've had children with that Nightmare, Tanya! In comparison, I'm a new born baby that's been left to grow up in a nunnery, while your hooker that's still in the game after 90 years...Tanya! Colbert: Zebosca? Why are you calling me Tanya? And why do you have to say Tanya in every sentence? General: Because, Tanya, I have a new trainer now! He has a beard, Tanya! And a penis, Tanya! And a bellybutton that collects an amazing amount of fluff in one day, Tanya! He can offer me so much more than you could, Tanya! When he trains me, he gives me easy stuff to do, Tanya! No more stuff like push-ups and weights, Tanya! Graver does stuff like make me practice my splits in lingerie, and jumping up and down on the spot while in a constricting bra, Tanya! Colbert: Hold up. You mean to tell me that this week I'm going to be facing a person that gave up her professional trainer to get trained by a dirty smelly guy that just gets her to do sexual poses for him. General: Typical Tanya! Always thinking about sex aren't you, Tanya?! Me and Graver also do things like have beer drinking contests followed by tongue slalam down my body, Tanya! Colbert: Tongue...slalam? General: Yes Tanya! He starts at my neck and then has to go in and out at the points set up around my body using only his tongue, Tanya! Colbert: This is the grossest thing ever. General: You think that's bad, Tanya?! I have to then pull all the hairs he got off me off his tongue using only my clenched butt cheeks, Tanya! Suddenly the left breast of "Zebosca" explodes in blood, followed by the right one, and she collapses to the floor. The camera goes back to Colbert who's holding a smoking shotgun. Colbert: Stupid bitch. Made me throw up in my own mouth, then swallow it, just for it to go up into my nose so now I'm stuck smelling my own vomit. Listen, Live Free or Fly Hard will be out this Friday, where you see me doing shit with a lot of mindless violence and action. My enemies will be two complete idiots. I have less respect for them than I do for that tape worm I had in my gut last year. Should be fun to watch them get killed though...that's an upside. Camera cuts out. Voice: Rated R for Retarded. |
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2:33 PM Jul 11