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More Is Less; Lumberjacko, El
Topic Started: Jul 27 2007, 06:13 PM (61 Views)
Kyle
Member Avatar
Carolina Gentleman
Banned
Inside the Jacko Mobile.
Long ago, in a promo that's probably forgotten by now, El Lumberjacko had introduced an RV that he was going to use to travel to shows. Now, we find ourselves in this very vehicle and he's sitting in the driver's seat. Playing around, 'Jacko honks the horn several times and turns the wheel as if he's driving. He turns around to finally face the camera and he has syrup dripping from the screened mouth hole on his mask.

El Lumberjacko: "You know what I saw today when I stopped at a redlight? A pair of old ladies driving a green van with spinning rims on the tires. It was the craziest thing I've ever seen! Who would have thought that the elderly would be getting in on the gangster culture? Easily the best thing about driving here today. Besides helping myself to some of the fuel, since this baby is powered on maple syrup."

For good emphasis, El pats the dashboard of the RV and lets out a chuckle.

El Lumberjacko: "Now I know I've waited a long time to say anything about my big upcoming match, but I'm just not that cameraish of a guy. You have my opponents appearing five, six, maybe seven times a day at some lame cookout and saying stuff. That's just not me, boys and girls. I like to take my time and think carefully what goofy thing I want to say next. Whether it be about my opinions on global warming or what I'm going to eat dinner for tonight."

Picking up a can from the holder in the middle of the two front seats he lifts it back and gulps down the contents through the screen in his mask. When he places it back down the label on the can clearly says, "Maple Popsi, The New Brand of Popsi!"

El Lumberjacko: "Yeah, Koop got me into drinking Popsi, so I called up the company and demanded they make a maple flavored one. So, ta da, here it is! Anyways, back to my camera hogging opponents. More is less, less is more, and when you put it altogether, it's a smorgisboard. Though I'm not really sure what that means at all. The point is, the team with no name has been gunning for the tag-titles for as long as I can remember and this is the absolute last chance we have to grab them. We may have been defeated before, but this time is different. We're re-invigorated and ready to rock those robots."

He throws out a few punches at an invisible opponent and then raises his hands in the air in victory.

El Lumberjacko: "Popped your head clean off, mister I think I can't lose robot with a red body. Instead of having to face just one tag-team, we're facing two. And as I see it that makes our chances all the more better. I'm not saying we're cowards and going to let the other two teams duke it out until we can make a pin, but it's not a half bad idea. But knowing us we're going straight for The Tanaka Zaibatsu. Those fools have been taunting us and tormenting us since day one. We eliminated Hardcore Sex, and we can eliminate you guys."

'Jacko flexes his arms and kisses each muscle.

El Lumberjacko: "Ash will take them out at the neck, I'll take the out at the knees. Since you know there's a pretty big height difference between us, the booger is practically a giant. Work the 'ole Lumberjacko magic and take them down like a log in the woods. Before you know it the fans will be cheering, we'll have gold around our waist, and grandma can finally say that I've accomplished something as one of her grandkids. Yeah, you old bat, I'm going to make something of myself!"

He grabs the can of soda, or maple soda, or whatever, and takes another sip, letting out a refreshing sigh afterwards.

El Lumberjacko: "That's about it really. I think my more is less theory really got to all of you. We're destined to win now, because my logic is impecable. This is Jacko, over and out from the RV without a name."

El starts up the RV, presses his foot to the gas and the thing takes off, causing the camera man to fall backwards, leaving us only with a brief view of the ceiling and then static.
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Ash
Capt. Ash Kapow~!
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After a few seconds, the image returns and reveals Ash holding the camera in front of himself. He moves the camera further away and adjusts the angle, revealing Ash to be sat in the back of El Lumberjacko's RV, wearing black shorts and a self-promoting t-shirt. Seemingly having just woken up, Ash rubs at his eyes, then climbs over the passenger seat and sits down next to his partner.

Ash: "You really need to be more careful, 'Jacko. The damn camera hit me in the head.."

Startled by the voice, El Lumberjacko glances to his right and looks at Ash, then turns back to focus on the road, before taking a second glance at his passenger.

El Lumberjacko: "Ash? Where'd you come from?"

Ash: "Well, if I'm honest, I don't know. The last thing I remember was waking up in the hospital and some guy was breathing heavily in my ear. I nailed him with a European uppercut and put him through the bed with an AK-75, rendering the poor sucker unconscious. And then, I realised I couldn't actually walk. Everything was pins and needles, so I dragged myself along the floor and climbed in the back of your RV. I tried moving my toes, but I fell asleep. After that, your camera woke me up.."

El Lumberjacko: "Sorry buddy."

Ash: "No worries.."


Clearly hurt by the camera, Ash rubs at a red patch on his forehead, being careful not to touch the fresh staple scars. And, for the sake of continuity, there's a lump on his left cheek from where Crackerjack nailed him. It's not as bad as before, but it's still quite obvious.

Ash: "Y'know, 'Jacko, this is it. This road, it's our destiny. We're flying down this road in some kind of sugar-fuelled vehicle; just two partners headed for destiny. When we reach the end of this road, we'll climb out of this car, take a deep breathe and look down at the shiny belts around our waist. Looking down, we won't be able to read what they say, but when we take them off and turn them upside-down, both belts will say FIW World Tag Team Champion. The belts won't have our names on the front, so we'll have to chalk our names on the back just to avoid getting the belts confused. I wouldn't want your belt; it's too small and wouldn't fit around my waist.."

El Lumberjacko: "And I could use yours to tie up my entire family! Cousins too!"

Ash: "Sound like a plan to me. But first, we've got to win those belts. And win them we shall. Whilst our opponents have been partying hard at the cook-out, I've been busting my gut in the gym and you've.. uhm.. what exactly have you been doing, 'Jacko?"


Before El Lumberjacko can respond, Ash cuts him off.

Ash: "Eyes on the road, 'Jacko!"

Pointing through the windshield, Ash and El Lumberjacko watch in awe as they drive over a pair of eyes that have been painted on the ground. The two men look at one another and shrug, before Ash turns his attention to the camera.

Ash: "Grant Rice, I ask you what you hope to achieve by laying down an idle threat that even your own partner doesn't necessarily stand by. You two are on different wave lengths, because whilst Nightmare begrudgingly accepts the fact that we are both allies and enemies, you don't seem able to grasp the concept. We have a common enemy, and yet you seem more interested in telling us that we're opponents. Thank you, Grant Rice, for I was not aware of that.."

With that said, Ash tilts his head and gives a half-smile, emphasising the sarcastic nature of his comment.

Ash: "I don't like saying this, but it would appear that Nightmare is the brains of the operation. Not too often you see the same person playing the role of brains and brawn. I can only assume at this stage that you're the like-minded shadow, wanting to emulate your partner, but with your own little edge. Let me be the first to congratulate you on such an impressive feat, Grant. Your prize will be my foot up your backside. And if you're lucky, I may just give everyone a foot up the backside, provided it helps me and 'Jacko on our paths to the belts."

El Lumberjacko: "You could kick Daisuke like a piņata until the belts come out.."

Ash: "As much fun as that'd be, I don't think it'll work. Still, if we get the opportunity, we can give it a shot. We never got to use the Singapore canes on Daisuke, so there is a possibility he could be harbouring the belts within his skin. Only one way to find out I guess.."


As Ash flashes a wicked smile, El Lumberjacko turns to face his partner and quite possibly reciprocates the grin, but with the mask covering his entire face, it is unclear.

Ash: "I saw your little gym, Daisuke. Very impressive, with all the modern features and benefits that any enthusiastic body builder would want in his or her gym. It almost made me want to go out and buy a gym of my own, but I thought better of it, so that I can put my income towards a Hulk Hogan Ultimate Grill. That way, I can eat right as well look good.."

Buy it all now. The gym. The grill. The 'look good'.

Ash: "On Sunday night, three teams collide. The Revolution, The Tanaka Zaibatsu and the team with no name. Two of those men have never been taken seriously and this is there opportunity to silence the critics once and for all by becoming the Full Intensity Wrestling Tag Team Champions of the World. Unfortunately for Rice and Nightmare, Sunday will not be their night. The victory on Sunday night will fall squarely in the hands of Ash Koopa and El Lumberjacko, the two most bizarre sons of bitches in the entire promotion. The little and the large, climbing onto their podium to raise their titles high above their heads, whilst our opponents lay in a heap on the canvas.."

El Lumberjacko: "In a pool of their own blood and some of my maple syrup!"

Ash: "Precisely! The last five or six months have all been for this Sunday night at the Summer of Sin. Our crowning moment will put on the top of the mountain and if only for a week, we can scream at the top of our lungs that we are the best tag team in the world. We may not be the best looking, or the most skilled, or even have a name, but we'll be the best. As long as those belts are around our waists, over our shoulders or in our suitcases, we'll be the best. Better than the Revolution. Better than the Tanaka Zaibastu. Quite possibly better than any tag team in the land of professional wrestling.."


Silence fills the car as anticipation builds.

Ash: "The team with no name will finally have a name. We will be called Champions."

With that said, Ash winks at the camera and sets it down on the dashboard, aiming it at the road. As various road signs pass, Ash's feet appear to the right of the camera, suggesting that he has kicked back. Incredibly, El Lumberjacko's feet appear on the left side, indicating that he has done much the same as Ash. Suddenly, the car veers violent to the left, sending the camera crashing to the floor and filling the screen with static..
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Kyle
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Carolina Gentleman
Banned
Back again, back again.
So I guess putting El Lumberjacko in charge of driving wasn't exactly the best idea. Since this time around while the camera is on it's in charge of him and Ash is in the driver's seat.

El Lumberjacko: "Look, I told you before hand that I wasn't that great of a driver. I get distracted easily."

Ash: "You put your legs on the dashboard."

El Lumberjacko: "Yeah, I felt like kicking back like you were doing."

Ash: "You were driving, 'Jacko."

El Lumberjacko: "Duh, I know. What is this? Tell me everything I already know and act like I don't know what I was doing."

The camera is positioned in Ash's direction and it's obvious he's fed up with 'Jacko, because he rolls his eyes and tries to keep his eyes on the road.

El Lumberjacko: "You did say one thing that I didn't agree with though. While you may be one of the oddest looking British men to walk the earth, I, underneath this mask, am dead sexy. I know, I know. You wouldn't think you'd be able to tag with such an attractive fellow, but it's true. While you may have the size advantage on me I have the looks advantage on you. I just keep this mask on to please the ladies and all the kiddies at home. I'm not like those weirdos who get burned in a fire and cover up their face. No, no, I do it to stop all the hordes of women from killing me."

A pair of feet prop themselves up on the dashboard, very much like how Ash did before when he had the camera, except it's 'Jacko's feet.

El Lumberjacko: "I can't wait 'til we're walking the streets with those titles around our waists. No longer will we have to pay for our ice cream and pancakes. We'll be big wrestling stars! Just like in the old days when wrestlers had all the power and did whatever they wanted. Even like the luchadores in Mexico. Or those sumo dudes in Japan. Yup, it'll be the team with no name that'll have control over North America. Since you know we're in America right now, but I'm from Canada and would gain power there. I don't know about England though. Is there even a wrestling scene there?"

The camera man, otherwise known as El Lumberjacko, lets out a "Hmm!" as he begins to think out his own question, meanwhile Ash continues to go unheard from since he's actually driving.

El Lumberjacko: "Can't ponder too long about that though. Least you guys have tea and crumpets. Those things are great, I think, I don't remember if I've had any. Speaking of crumpets, that Grant Rice guy wasn't too nice to us. I've always thought we were chums with Revolution after we teamed together to take on The Tanaka Zaibatsu. But I guess Grant Rice is starting to get a little worried about us. Nightmare's a cool guy though, never had anything bad to say about him. Though his preferred choice of purple over brown is horrendous. Everyone knows that brown is the best. So maybe we're not going to be as well off as I thought. Four on two and what not."

A loud slurp is heard from behind the camera, another Popsi Maple I assume.

Ash: "How can you drink that crap? And why did Popsi agree to make that brand?"

El Lumberjacko: "It's not crap, it's magical. And they agreed because they love me. I don't see them making a Popsi Koopa flavor now do I? No, because it'd taste like old tea."

Ash: "El, you do understand that all British people don't drink tea and eat crumpets, right? That's a pretty big stereotype that isn't true at all."

El Lumberjacko: "Whatever you say, old chum, would you care for a spot of tea? Haha, I love that bit. Did my British accent sound real?"

The camera rotates over in Ash's direction again and he just shakes his head, not caring to answer 'Jacko's last question.

El Lumberjacko: "Hmm, what's this button do?"

Before you know it the scene has faded to black again, and one can only guess that it's because El Lumberjacko mistook the power button on the camera for something else.
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