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The Bitey Moose; Featuring No Real Celebrities
Topic Started: Jul 28 2007, 01:28 AM (49 Views)
Mike DeWatt
Unregistered

Well as always our camera begins to fade in. Even before the picture's fully focused, the relaxing sounds of a string quartet can be heard. As the camera does come in, we can see that we are in what appears to be a very expensive hotel room. Everything appears to be "real". Real oak, real mink carpet, real stereotyping. What, stereotyping? Yes stereotyping. Don't question me while I'm telling you the scene. All will be explained. Sure it many not be as detailed and expressive as maybe something done by Jo-Jo but I try my best here. Let's be honest anyhow, you're only here for the jokes and there ain't no jokes here buddy.

Now, onto the stereotyping (never thought I'd hear myself say that...again...). Sitting at the real oak table, opposite each other are Sir Colbert Tottington and Lord General Mortimer Igneous. They both are sipping their tea from their cup, little fingers raised...or what Americans would refer to as the pinky. Thought to be honest they're not pink so much as browny...with black hair in the General's case. The two place their cups on the saucers in front of them and continue the conversation. By continue the conversation, I mean it would appear we've missed the first part of it.


Colbert: We got some complaints about last week's promo.

General: Ah, too much violence?

Colbert: No, it was more that comment you made involving your clenched buttocks and Graver's tongue.

General: Surely it wasn't that bad a thought, sir.

Colbert: Rather than witnessing your hairy rear end being gratiously licked out by Graver, I would allow myself to be tortured and killed...by a naked Frenchman.

General: But you hate torture. And naked men. And especially the French.

Colbert: And yet that prospect is more appealing to me than watching the single ugliest rimming event in history.

General: Well on the brightside, sir, you still won the match.

Colbert: That's like saying "on the brightside, we won the war in Iraq". Should've never have been there in the first place, the lack of rules made it a shambles, and you end being classified as someone that enjoys taking in part in such things. The outcome doesn't justify any of the things that happened because of it.

General: Are you talking about the match or the war, sir?
Colbert: Both.

General: But what about this week then, sir?

Colbert: I have no desire to win this belt, I just have a desire to win. I find what the belt stands for totally disgraceful. A man of such esteem like me should never have to be put into such a low life brawl as this.

General: What does this mean for the promo then?

Colbert: Well since I still want to win, I suppose an extra amount of effort shall have to be put in.

General: What have you got in mind?

Colbert: Last night, while flicking through television channels, I happened across a comedy show known as The Mighty Boosh. It is an ultra surreal comedy about two men called Vince Noir and Howard Moon.

General: Yes...?

Colbert: Well let's just say it gave me some ideas. Get me some red velvet curtains, some overalls and a cast of amusing characters.

General: Are you thinking parody?

Colbert: That I am.

General: Of a show that 95/100 Americans will never have seen before?

Colbert: ...Yes. But they don't need to see the show to find the parody funny....and anyway I'll put up a website address at the end where they can watch the real thing...

General: Piracy?

Colbert: Only for the person that put it up in the first place.

Both: God bless video hosting.

The camera fades out. We do however fade in almost straight away. We are though, at a different place. All we can see if a red velvet curtain, similar to what you would see on a stage. Then, on walks the General from camera right, and Colbert from camera left. They are wearing green overalls. The General is not wearing any form of headware at all. Instead he has shoulder length greasy-ish brown hair, probably a wig. Also he has a mustache now. Colbert has a stylish black with blonde highlights "mod" hairstyle. If you're wondering how they look still, research the Mighty Boosh on google. You'll soon understand.

General: Hi there, I'm Mortimer Igneous, and this is Colbert Tottington.

Colbert: Alright?

General: Today's show is all about victoy. Can a man succeed with victory in all aspects of life? Can the outcome justify the means?

Colbert: If one hand claps in a forest, does it make a sound?

General: What are you doing?

Colbert: I'm doing what you're doing. I'm getting physilogical.

General: Physilogical? It's Phyliso...phil...ise...ical...you tit.

Colbert: Alright...only trying to help, Aristotle.

General: Yeah well I don't need help. This is my part. You get your part later, with hair waving and prancing about.

Colbert: You're just jealous because you can't wave your hair.

General: I can wave my hair. In some tribes they call me Frimbombo Cateeway.

Colbert: The hairy nutsack?

General: What?

Colbert: That means the hairy nutsack.

General: No it doesn't. It means the Great Wave of Amazing Hair.

Colbert: No, it means the Hairy Nutsack. Trust me, I'm the one that did a BTEC in "Tribal Languages and Soil Studying".

General: Well whatever, what do they know anyway, they're just simple folk.

Colbert: Well they know that you have a hairy nutsack.

General: They do not!

Colbert: Must've seen it when you were wearing your velvet dress.

General: It's not a velvet dress! It's an original Japenese Comono!

Colbert: Either way I still get a shot of your greasy googles when you sit down.

General: That's it, go on, get lost. Go get ready.

Colbert grins a little as he walks off.

General: Enjoy the show everybody.

The General walks off too, as the curtains open to reveal the graphics writing saying "THE BITEY MOOSE". Soon the graphics change to what appears some sort of tent/cafeteria. There are a load of tables with people sitting there with trays, a couple of familiar tables. At one side there are people queing up with trays, with the typical dinnerladies and disgusting meals selection. Lined up closest to the camera is Rebecca Hunter, then Mortimer Igneous, followed by Colbert Tottington. Rebecca looks down at her unappetising meal, while Mortimer looks at something a bit more to his taste. Rebecce suddenly realises, as Mortimer accidently druels on her chest. She looks down in shock, then up at Mortimer's salivating mouth. A look of total disgust comes across as she reels back, grabbing a napkin off the counter and rubbing it off herself.

Rebecca: Oh my God! What the hell is that?! Who the hell are you?!

Mortimer: Oh God I'm so sorry. I was an accident. It's the steam from the food it makes my mouth water and...

Rebecca: Who are you?! Huh?!

Mortimer: Rebecca...it's me. Mortimer Igneous.

Rebecca: What? You a fan that's gone backstage?

Mortimer: No...I work here.

Rebecca: What? You a runner or something?

Mortimer: What? No I'm a manager...

Rebecca: Well I don't know you. Stay away, freak.

Rebecca grabs her tray and walks past Mortimer, giving him a dirty look on the way. She then sees Colbert.

Rebecca: Hi Colbert.

Colbert: Alright, Beccy.

Rebecca smiles a bit as she finds herself a seat.

Mortimer: What was that?

Colbert: What was what? I was only saying hi.

Mortimer: All that with "Alright Beccy". Since when could you call her Beccy?

Colbert: We're just friends that's all. Just because you find women so disturbing.

Mortimer: I don't find them disturbing. I find them pleasant like a canal boat or sun tan lotion.

Colbert: Canal boats? You don't think of her like a canal boat. She's your biggest fear. She's your bridge.

Mortimer: I'm conquering my fear of bridges.

The two grabs their trays (with a various erray of colourful liquids) and find an empty table.

Colbert: Whatever, man. We need to get you some style.

Mortimer: Mortimer Igneous doesn't need style. Style is like a river of chameleons. Ever changing and with eyes in many directions.

Colbert: What you talking about? Look at you. You look like a disgruntled knife.

Mortimer: Maybe I like looking like this.

Colbert: Come on I can help.

Mortimer: You can't help. You're like a sofa wearing a mop.

Colbert: You just don't get the style of mod. It's all the rage.

Mortimer: You know me. I'm a jazzman.

Colbert: Well look, maybe you don't like my style, but maybe NaNoon can help.

Mortimer: NaNoon, the shaman? He's got as much style as whipped salt.

Colbert: Yeah but he might have something to help.

Mortimer: Like what?

Colbert: I don't know. Style salve. Appearance antibiotic.

Mortimer: Smart suppository...

Colbert: Dude...

The camera cuts to the graphic of "The Bitey Moose" again. It then changes to the inside of a tent. There are lots of blue and red sheets hanging around, and it looks all rather magical. There are cushions on the floor. There sits Jeff Noon in a blue and gold asian magic man outfit, with some sort of turban thing. He sits there looking into a crystal ball. Behind him walks in Colbert and Mortimer. They stand by the entrance of the tent. NaNoon does not even turn to see them. Instead he speaks in a deep, mysterious voice.

NaNoon: I know why you're here.

Mortimer: You do?

NaNoon: Yes. I saw you in the ball...I have the suppository in the back...

Mortimer: Told you, Colbert! It's a suppository!

NaNoon: Colbert?

NaNoon turns around. He then suddenly begins to speak in his normal goofy voice.

NaNoon: Hey Colbert. Sorry I thought you were Chip Martin.

Colbert: That's alright.

NaNoon gets up.

NaNoon: So then what can I do for you?

Colbert: Have you got anything that can help give Mortimer some style?

NaNoon: Hmm I don't know there might be something in my book of dark magic.

Mortimer: Dark magic? Is that safe?

NaNoon: It's like an Ikea cabinet. As long as you know what you're doing, it'll give you what you want.

Colbert: Right well, how does it work?

NaNoon: I'll grab my book, then we can go outside and give it a try.

Just then Chip Martin walks in.

Chip: What's happening?

NaNoon: Just talking. Your stuff's in the back.

Chip: Thanks.

He looks at Mortimer and Colbert.

Chip: It's just something for a cold I've got.

Colbert: Of course.

We cut to the graphic of the Bitey Moose once more. We fade back in, where NaNoon, Mortimer and Colbert are sitting in the desert. In front of them are five tents. They are all looking at a book.

Colbert: Here we are. Style.

Mortimer: How can you tell? It's all in gibberish.

Colbert: It's acient tribe. Remember I've got a BTEC in it.

NaNoon: Right. Calboola Cheem Dregarda!

Suddenly theres a big flash of light, and some sort of blast of air coming out of each of the 5 tents. There's then a silence.

NaNoon: Oh wait, wrong style curse.

Colbert & Mortimer: What?!

NaNoon: Yeah that was another style one...I think I've summoned the Five Style Demons.

Mortimer: The Five Style Demons?

NaNoon: Yes. Bathory. Ninja. Devani. Graver. And Wilson.

Mortimer: Wilson? That's a bit of a pathetic demon name...

NaNoon: It's not the name you should be afraid of. Each of the demons represents a problem with style. Goth, Eccentric, Slut, Tramp and G-Unit.

Colbert: Well what are we supposed to do?

NaNoon: You have to expose each of them to their weaknesses. Use your brains.

Mortimer: Hey, Nanoon. I've got a plan. Go fetch Rebecca. By the time you get here, I'll have banished the last demon, and she'll be impressed with me.

Colbert: You sure you can handle them?

Mortimer: I'm dangerous. I'm like a tiger with a laser. Holding up a bank. While running with scissors.

Colbert: You're not dangerous. You're as dangerous as a puppy with a daffodil.

Mortimer: Dangerous if you have an allergy.

Colbert: Right tell you what, we'll get rid of these demons, and if Rebecca asks, I'll say you did it. Okay?

Mortimer: Okay.

The two walk over to the first tent. They open it up. It's black. There are candles and crosses everywhere, and Cradle of Filth blasting. In the middle is someone dressed up to look like Phyllis Bathory, headbanging.

Colbert: What do we do?

Mortimer: What don't goths like?

Colbert: ...Sunlight and Enya.

Mortimer: Meaning?

Colbert: I'll sneak over and put on some Enya, and then when you hear the music, you hold open the tent doors open and flush him out.

Mortimer: Where are you going to get Enya?

Colbert pulls out an Enya CD.

Colbert: I borrowed it from Chip's pocket.

Mortimer: Fair enough. Ready...go!

Colbert sneaks over to the CD player and puts on the Enya CD. Phyllis looks up horrified. Mortimer then rips open the tent curtains, and Phyllis suddenly explodes in smoke and light.

Colbert: That was...easy.

Mortimer: No problem. Next one.

The two walk out of the tent and take a look inside the next one. Inside is someone dressed up as Extreme Ninja #2. He is facing some sort of Japanese shrine.

Colbert: How are we supposed to beat a Ninja?

Mortimer: Think. What can ruin any martial arts expert...

Colbert: ...CHRIS TUCKER!

Mortimer: Exactly.

Colbert: How are we supposed to get him though?

Mortimer: Worry not. I was once taught that if you simply play the Rush Hour theme on a kazoo, he appears.

Colbert: Perfect.

Mortimer pulls out a kazoo, and starts playing the Beverly Hills Cop theme tune.

Colbert: What are you doing?

Mortimer: What?

Colbert: That's Beverly Hills!

Mortimer: Whoops...

Mortimer then starts playing the Rush Hour Theme Tune. Suddenly, with a big burst of smoke, Chris Tucker appears behind Extreme Ninja.

Tucker: Hey bitches, where's my $25 Million?!

Extreme Ninja spins around, holding his chalk board. It simply states "Oh shit...".

Colbert: Might want to look away now.

Mortimer: Yeah, let's go.

The two leave the tent, with the screams of Extreme Ninja heard from inside, along with the high pictched catchphrases of Chris "I'm a cunt" Tucker.

Colbert: Next is the slut Devani.

They take a look inside the tent, to see a little stage. On it is a pole, which a woman that looks a lot like Zesboca Devani. On chairs watching in the tent are old men holding notes.

Colbert: A stripper. What do you suggest?

Mortimer: We watch?

Colbert: It's still a demon. We have to kill it. Now what can stop a stripper?

Mortimer: Well I know yeast infections usually do the trick...

Colbert: Great. Now where are we going to get a yeast infection.

Mortimer: One sec.

Mortimer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone. He presses a few buttons and then puts it to his ear.

Mortimer: Yeah Chip, it's Mortimer. There's a stripper in need of a shag that's in tent number 18.

Suddenly a blur bursts past the two of them and into the tent. They look inside to see Chip on top of Devani, humping her on the floor. She then explodes into smoke and light. Chip looks confused and shocked, as Colbert and Mortimer look smug. They leave and go to the next tent.

Colbert: Genius.

They look into the next tent. Inside is what appears to be a rubbish tip. Lying on top of is a scruffy trampy Graver look-alike.

Mortimer: Graver the tramp. Ideas?

Colbert pulls out a spray can of deodrant from each pocket.

Colbert: Nothing like a bit of Axel deodrant.

Mortimer reaches into his pockets and pulls out two cans of deodrant.

Mortimer: Walmart's super saver cheap-o brand...

Colbert: You're pathetic. Let's do it.

The two burst in and start spraying Graver. He sounds like some drunk woken up. He shouts out offensive curse words, until eventually turning to the smoke and light explosion.

Colbert: Done. Now let's get out of here. Smells like you that time when you did no bathing for a week for charity.

The two get out of the tent and go the last one.

Mortimer: Right. In here is Wilson.

Colbert: How do you stop a G-Unit Demon like him.

Mortimer: A gun?

Colbert: What?!

Mortimer: Worked for Tupac...

Colbert: No. We need video evidence of him peeing on an underage girl.

Mortimer: Like R Kelly?

Colbert: Exactly.

Mortimer: How are we going to do that?

Colbert: Herman Cardgage. He says he has video evidence of everything weird. Even if the person never did it. Follows around people with video cameras nowadays, since he has so much spare time.

Mortimer: How are we going to find him?

Colbert: There he is there hiding in that grassy drum.

Colbert points across to see Herman Cardgage with a video camera inside a large bass drum covered in grass.

Mortimer: Herman, come here.

Herman clambers out. He then walks over, plastic bag in one hand, camera in the other.

Herman: Goodmordles to you. What can I be of service to you?

Colbert: Alright Herman. You got any video tapes of Shaun Wilson pissing on a girl?

Herman: Oh sure. It's in my "Celebrities and their various bodily liquids" collection. Here, I've got a copy.

Herman reaches into his bag and pulls out a tape. He removes the one in his camera, and puts in the new tape.

Mortimer: Thanks.

Colbert takes it off Herman. The two go into the tent. Inside the tent's done up like a club. In the middle a Shaun Wilson look a like break dances.

Colbert: Hey Wilson! Look at this!

Wilson looks up, at the camera. We can't see what's on it, but there's the sound of water trickling. Wilson looks horrified at the screen, and suddenly explodes into smoke and light. The two sigh and walk out.

Mortimer: See, they're no problem at all.

Colbert: Too right.

Just then, NaNoon and Rebecca Hunter walk on.

Rebecca: Colbert, did you destroy those demons?

Colbert: Well actually Mortimer did...

Rebecca: How about you ditch the fan here and come with me.

Mortimer: Fan?! I'm Mortimer! We talked like 15 minutes ago! I drueled on you!

Rebecca: Whatever, freak. Come on Colbert.

Rebecca grabs Colbert and walks off.

Colbert: Sorry, Mortimer...

NaNoon and Mortimer look at eachother.

NaNoon: Don't look at me...I'm not doing anything with you...

Camera cuts out.
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