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Hardcore Sex: Auditions and Resurrection; Angry sex is the most romantic sex!
Topic Started: Nov 7 2007, 03:18 PM (48 Views)
DoFIXER
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[We open up on “Fierce” Felix Arroyo and FIW interviewer Rebecca Hunter sitting behind a table in what looks like a hotel conference room. A bland taupe-colored cloth hangs over the table and nothing is on it save a pitcher of ice water and two empty glasses. Felix is wearing a grey pair of wrap-arounds and a Miami Heat jersey; Rebecca is wearing a white blouse undone to just above where her “valley of interest” expands into something more. Microphone in hand, Rebecca rests her arms on the table and turns to Felix.]

Rebecca: Well… You look much better than you did yesterday, Felix. It seems you finally pulled yourself together after seeing Steve.

Felix: Right you are, sweet cheeks. Steve’s plea for forgiveness was… touching, I suppose, but it’ll take more than a cheap gesture to convince me he’s sincere. Steve knows a thing or two about broken hearts, so it’s only natural he’d try to woo me over with his “sensitive boy” antics. Well, I’m not buying it. I’m ready to move on, and that’s why we’re here today!

Rebecca: I’ve been meaning to ask you, Felix… Why ARE you here?

Felix: Auditions, honey, auditions! Today officially marks my auditions for a new tag team partner. Once Hardcore Sex and Colbert Tottington wipe the mat with the Tanaka Zaibatsu, it’s off to bigger and better things for The Fierce One! And if you know Steve like I do, you know “bigger” isn’t saying much… But “better” than Hardcore Sex is a tall order to fill!

Rebecca: A girl could learn a lot about double entendres from you, Felix.

Felix: Becca, baby, just stick with me from now on. If you agree to stop interviewing those other losers behind the curtain and be my exclusive go-between to the legions and legions of FIW fans, we’d both be dumping dead weight today. Now, let’s started with the potential talent, shall we?

[Felix snaps his fingers and the camera pans over to a pair of oak wood doors. They open, revealing a young black man with dreadlocks tucked under a bright green cap. He wears a black t-shirt with a profile of Bob Marley in red, green and yellow colors. Below that he has on green trainers and white sneakers. He practically bounces into the conference room, waving his hands into the air.]

King Jah: Hail, hail! How is da people doin’? It be Kin’ Jah from Jam-rock, mon!

Felix: …Pardon me? Was that English?

King Jah: Hey, battybwoy bwoy! I herd your partner done up and left you, mon! I was dinkin’ maybe you was lookin’ for a cris partner, so I dought I’d see if you wanted fe team up with me!

Felix: Oh, no. I’m not no-showing an event just because we got pulled over with a dimebag in the glove compartment and ended up spending the night in a hick jail cell. I like my sodomy consensual, thank you very much.

King Jah: It be true I gaan fe bed fe sinsemilla corn now and den, brother, but I promise ya, you won’t find a wrestler better dan I! So what do the I say, bredren?

Felix: I say… get lost… “near de beach.” NEXT!

[The obviously disappointed Rastafarian exists through the same doors he entered. Right after him comes a masked man dressed in a white suit that covers his entire torso. He has a design around his eyes, red markings along his arms and chest and red tights. He sports a hammer and sickle logo over his stomach. He jumps in front of the table and makes a strange pose.]

The Masked Marxist: It is I, The Masked Marxist! The proletariat shall not fear, for I am here to liberate them from the burdensome chains of capitalist slavery! Will you join me, Felix Arroyo, in emancipating the downtrodden working class from their bourgeois overlords?

Felix: That outfit would get a lot of heat… if this was the 1950s. I’d suggest you read a newspaper, kid… The wall has fallen!

The Masked Marxist: Ah, give me a break, dude… I need to pay my way through college.

Felix: Let me guess… A freshman taking Political Theory 101 who reads The Communist Manifesto and thinks he just discovered something the world hasn’t known about for two centuries. May I suggest you stop playing dress-up and get a real job? NEXT!

[Now the mysterious advocate of the masses leaves the room, though he is followed by another masked individual, this time wearing all red. He has silver antennae coming out of his head, a red mantle over a black mantle and black tights covered with a red web design. He also strikes a pose before Felix and Rebecca.]

El Tarantula: None other than El Tarantula strikes fear into the heart of evil-doers! I have come to cleanse the FIW of nefarious juggernauts who are bad role models for the ninos! With me by your side, Felix Arroyo, our opponents will be purged of their wicked hearts! The Tanaka Zaibatsu will repent their heinous deeds…

Felix: First of all, kid, lose the outfit before Stan Lee files a lawsuit. Second, I’m one of those very “evil-doers” you’re talking about! Haven’t you seen any of my matches? Although I’ll admit I’ve never been called a “nefarious juggernaut”…

El Tarantula: Well… You could change up your style! You could be Radioactive Ant Boy, my faithful sidekick! It’d have a lot more steam than anything else you’ve been doing before I came along!

Felix: HEY! Hardcore Sex was a great team and we would be contenders for the belts if Steve hadn’t screwed everything up! We were equals and I am NO ONE’S sidekick! Now go find a comic book convention to crash, nerd! NEXT!

[El Tarantula makes a quick retreat and this time the unfortunate candidate is replaced by a man dressed up like Captain Jack Sparrow from the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies – a black coat, baggy pants, an open puffy shirt and a red bandana tied around his head, a mane of flowing, messy black locks. With mascara around his eyes and a scraggly goatee, he cuts a somewhat striking look.]

Captain Walker D. Plank: Arrrrr, maties! I be Captain Walker D. Plank, scourge of the seven seas and the squared circle! I have come here seeking to claim some gold, namely the tag team title belts! And I won’t be stoppin’ at nothin’ in order to get what be comin’ to me and mine! So what say you, ye feminine-looking weirdo? Are ye interested?

Felix: I like your attitude, kid, and I’m always willing to get my hands on some nice-looking “booty.” But the pirate thing… It’s been done in another promotion. And if I wasn’t worried about getting sued, I might have seriously considered the kid in a spider outfit!

Captain Walker D. Plank: Arrrrr, I see what ye mean. Truth be told, I was really lookin’ to settle a score with that Extreme Ninja #2 fella. A lot of peoples been askin’ me who would win in a fight… A pirate or a ninja. Well, I be thinkin’ that I’d make that masked moron from the Orient take a nap with Davey Jones’ locker…

Felix: Well, he’s from Michigan, but I’d like to see a resolution to the ninja versus pirate debate myself. I’d suggest waiting for him outside the arena in the parking lot and working things out with him there.

Captain Walker D. Plank: Arrrrr, thank ye much, Mr. Arroyo! For a pooftah you ain’t half bad! Arrrr!

Felix: Thanks… I think?

[The pirate departs as Felix shakes his head and Rebecca pats him on the back. Someone new enters the room and this time they are dressed hide to toe in a bunny outfit. Nothing else to it, really – white fur, a large head with a pink nose, whiskers and two large ears flopping over the top. Felix lets out a moan.]

Felix: Come on, people! What is this, a parade of the mentally handicapped? Can’t I get someone serious who wants to be my partner?

[The bunny reaches up and takes off the mask over his head. We see it is none other than Steve “The Emo Kid” Patterson, looking as sheepish as we’ve ever seen him. He looks at Felix with puppy dog eyes, and for the first time during this segment, Felix is rendered speechless.]

Steve: Please, Felix… hear me out.

Felix: I have nothing to say to you… you asshole! I told you, we’re done! Finished! Over! Hardcore Sex is done!

Steve: Felix… We’ve worked too hard to let one mistake come between us. We started out in FIW and made a huge splash, tearing up the tag team division. If it wasn’t for The Revolution, the belts would have been ours. And since we came back, we were making a straight run to take those belts and prove we were the best team in FIW. We’ve hit a snag, but it’s nothing we won’t recover from. And we have a chance to prove we’re still in the running!

Felix: What are you talking about…?

Steve: Isn’t it obvious? We’re going up against the Zaibatsu, the very champions we’re destined to defeat! If we can beat Tanaka, Mr. Blond and Shaun Wilson on Friday, the management won’t have a choice but to give us another shot somewhere down the road! Once we have the Zaibatsu down and out, we can bring it to The Rejects next!

Felix: So… you’re not with The Rejects?

Steve: Of course not! I admire Onikage and Graver and what The Rejects stand for, but if I ever joined them, I would never part ways with the partner who made me the star I am today. I freely admit Steve Patterson without Hardcore Sex is just another wrestler with a penchant for bad verses and whining. You’re the yin to my yang, the moon to my stars, the person that makes me complete! And, let’s be honest, Felix, you need me too. There are a lot of jokers out there… and we have enough problems being taken seriously as it is.

Felix: I suppose you’re right… The guys I’ve considered for a partner have been pretty lame… and Kennedy won’t return my phone calls!

Steve: So, what do you say… Want to be partners again?

[Steve extends a hand and offers it to Felix. There is a long pause… until Felix stands to his feet, grabs the hand and pulls Steve into a big hug. Rebecca, uncomfortable, begins clapping, since it seems like the appropriate thing to do.]

Steve: The Zaibatsu better look out… Hardcore Sex is back and ready to kick some ass!

Felix: And Colbert Tottington shouldn’t get too comfortable either!

Steve: You’re damn right!

Felix: I have to ask… What would you have done if I hadn’t decided to keep the team intact?

Steve: Honestly… I was thinking about wearing the bunny suit and wrestling as The Crack Habit Rabbit.

Felix: That’s… the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Steve: Yes. Yes it is.

[And we fade to black…]
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