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| Ninja + Jamie ≠ Hardcore Sex; A Baz Luhrmann joint | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 13 2007, 02:58 AM (39 Views) | |
| DoFIXER | Nov 13 2007, 02:58 AM Post #1 |
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[We open up on a theater stage that has a balcony on the left side of the stage and a tumbling mat in the center. The backdrop is meant to look like a courtyard in a Renaissance-era house. Someone wearing the outfit of Extreme Ninja #2 enters from stage right. Judging from his physique, however, it’s not the masked marvel with the marker board, but someone wearing his costume. We hear canned applause as he bows toward the empty seats in the audience. He then approaches the balcony and falls to one knee. As he speaks, we realize it’s “Fierce” Felix Arroyo decked out in Ninja’s gear.] Felix Ninja: But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Jamie Lee is the sun! [On the balcony, a figure appears. It’s Steve “The Emo Kid” Patterson dressed in drag, meant to resemble Jamie Lee. He has a brown wig, a low-cut pink shirt with two grapefruits tucked under it and pink running pants. He looks quite pissed as we hear more canned applause. He leans on the balcony railing and frowns down at Felix.] Felix Ninja: Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief, that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she. Be not her maid, since she is envious; her vestal livery is but sick and green and none but fools do wear it; cast if off. It is my lady, O it is my love! O, that she knew – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [The reason for Felix’s screaming is Steve jumping on to the railing, turning around and then doing a backflip off it. He lands the moonsault on top of Felix, crashing both against the tumbling mat. The air escapes from it as Steve and Felix slowly rise to their feet. Steve, breathing heavy, addresses the camera.] Steve: And thus we clothe our naked villainy with old odd ends, stolen forth of holy writ; and seem as saints, when most we play as devils. [Steve grabs his wig, rips it off his head and throws it on the ground. Felix does the same with his mask, folding his arms over his chest.] Felix: Those who wanted to see Hardcore Sex in the ring on Friday have to be confused. Why are we teaming with Extreme Ninja and Jamie Lee? Why would the most rough, tough and damn sexy tag team in FIW join up with America’s sweethearts? The big-busted beauty and her forlorn veiled boyfriend? Steve: When we are born, we cry, that we are come to this great stage of fools. Felix: Well said, buddy. Steve: It should come as no surprise that we dislike Ninja and Jamie. As far as Ninja is concerned, he’s the typical foolish idealist dressing up as a comic book hero trying to play the infallible good guy. He’s everything sick and twisted about this business, that constantly puts up charlatans for the little kids in the crowd to look up to. Well, while those kids strain their necks, the older boys and girls and their parents have their minds on something more mature – Hardcore Sex. Felix: And Jamie Lee? We’re not idiots like Adam Wilson. We know ladies can wrestle just as well as men, if not better. Just look at the queen of the ring, the princess of pain, the legendary fire crotch – Kennedy. Our problem with Jamie Lee is that she is a vapid bimbo with a pair of knockers that she hopes and prays will get her along in her pitiful excuse for a career. We all know she can’t be compared to the original Hellcat and all her whining and complaining recently goes to show it. She doesn’t even have the guts to get her title back from that bald, delusional freak. Hell, I’m a better role model for the female FIW fans and I have eggs and sausage between my legs! Steve: Frailty, thy name is woman. Felix: You got that right. You see, it wasn’t the chance to team with these jokers that made us break down the door to the front office, calling for us to get in on this. It was the Tanaka Zaibatsu trying to get their hands – well, I should say talons – on Roxie Galanoochie and persuade them to their side by getting her back. Now, we don’t have much time for Roxie and the bad name she brings to all true dykes everywhere. But whenever an opportunity presents itself to go after the Zaibatsu, we run toward it. Steve: Cowards die many times before their deaths, the valiant never taste of death but once. Felix: We’re not like the Zaibatsu. We don’t run from danger; we embrace it. When the Zaibatsu stood outside the ring and watched as we beat Revolution on HalloweRevolt, they showed how heartless they are. Hell, Daisuke is always sneaking into the ring, trying to get the jump on his opponents. Some may call it intelligent strategy, but we call it what it is: the desperate acts of a team who know they aren’t worthy of the gold they hold. Hey, I made a rhyme! Steve: Congratulations. I suppose congratulations are also in order for Shaun Wilson, who beat Colbert Tottington last week. That’s right, Shaun, you beat the English muffin, not us. Felix said he was going to show you how a suplex is really done, and he did it. I went up top and I schooled your punk ass. Daisuke doesn’t recruit talent, he recruits people he can control. That includes small-brained chumps like Wilson and mentally unstable morons like Galanoochie. Hardcore Sex may include four people like it will be this Friday, but by definition, Hardcore Sex has been and always will be just two people – two people who respect each, know each other and can work well together. We don’t need anyone’s help to beat the Zaibatsu and get those belts that we deserve. Now, we know the Zaibatsu are nervous… Felix: Hey, uneasy lies the head that wears the crown! Steve: Well, they have every right to be uneasy. Drake Love and his “family values” bullshit won’t save them. Roxie floating on the crimson tide 24/\7 isn’t going to protect them. Daisuke… Mr. Blond… We’re going to show you and everyone else in FIW that it’s NOT The Rejects who are the true number one contenders for the tag team titles… It’s… HARD. CORE. SEX! [And we fade to black…] |
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7:36 PM Jul 11