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The Hardcore Sex Fetish; Thanksgiving & a Gallon of PCP
Topic Started: Nov 26 2007, 03:05 AM (47 Views)
DoFIXER
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[We open up on “Fierce” Felix Arroyo and Steve “The Emo Kid” Patterson standing in the wilderness of Chapultepec Park in Mexico City. Both men are dressed in stereotypical Native American garb, with feathered headdresses, leather vests and pants. Steve has red paint smeared under his eyes whilst Felix has a red heart on one cheek and a peace sign on the other. They stand together in an obviously staged fashion and talk.]

Steve: Wow, it really sucks in pre-Columbian America. There are so many wild animals, tall trees and untreated vegetables.

Felix: I know! We’re overloaded with turkeys, sweet potatoes, cranberries, pumpkin pie and Kraft dinners. If only we had civilized people to come and share their superior culture with us and eat our food.

Steve: Yeah, I’ve often thought that too. You know what else we have a lot of? Land. We could give some of that to civilized people too.

Felix: Some of it? Hell, we’re practically just sitting on all the untapped potential lying around here. We should just give it all to the civilized people and let them use it how they want. Whatever they do it would be ten times better than what we’re doing with it!

Steve: Yeah, they could just move our people around. We’re pretty nomadic as it is. Or they could just kill ‘em. It’s getting kind of crowded here what with there being no diseases we don’t have some form of immunity to or weapons we’ve never conceived.

Felix: That would be great! But there’s no chance that such civilized people would ever come here. We can pray and pray to our wooden poles, but they don’t seem to hear our wishes.

Steve: Dude, I’ve been meaning to tell you… I saw Paul carving those behind the apple orchard last weekend. They didn’t fall out of the sky like he said.

Felix: Really? Harsh. The village will be bummed.

[Two Mexican guys appear from the bushes, dressed as pilgrims – big black hats, black collared shirts, fluffy trousers and buckled shoes. One is tall and lanky and the other is short and squat. They’re not very good actors, and when they speak it’s obvious they’re reading from cue cards.]

Steve: Whoa! Look! White people!

Felix: Sweet! Those are some bitchin’ boats you got there!

Miguel: Gracias, Native American. We are pilgrims, fleeing religious persecution in England for our crazy Christian fundamentalist beliefs. Although we are deeply offended by you being practically naked, we hope to be friends with you… after you give up your heathen ways, adopt our culture and convert to our particular brand of Christianity.

Steve: Sweet! We were just talking about how we wanted to do that!

Francisco: By the way, we’re a little curious with what all these green and brown things are.

Steve: What? You mean trees and plants?

Francisco: We are intrigued by these things and would like to know more.

Steve: What? You mean you came to a new country without knowing how to grow and farm your own food?

Miguel: That’s what the lower classes do. We brought plenty of Bibles, though. We trust that our mighty God will protect us and provide for us with those things we ask for through our prayers.

Felix: Um… I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but did your God come from a guy named Paul?

Miguel: Yes, from Paul. And Peter, John, Matthew, Mark and Luke.

Steve: Ouch. Steve, didn’t Matthew sell you that knock-off PlayStation?

Felix: Oh, yeah, the “FunBox.” What a rip-off. Hey, guys, we hate to be downers, but you might want to take some of that “Bible” stuff with a grain of salt.

Francisco: You dare mock the one and only divine truth, savage?

Steve: Hey, let’s not be calling names. I certainly wouldn’t be getting into labels dressed like that. You look like retarded penguins. And what’s with the buckle fetish?

Felix: Let’s all just chill out. Why don’t you guys go get your friends, meet us at our village near the river and we’ll cook you up some really nice fish tacos and watermelon-flavored Kool-Aid. You can give thanks to your God and we can give thanks to finally having civilized people here to rape and displace us.

Suddenly we focus in on Felix standing alone, with Steve conspicuously out of shot. Steve re-enters, but dressed differently, wearing a black business suit with red pinstripes and a ridiculous blond wig done up in a quaff. He’s meant to resemble Mr. Blond, but he clearly comes across as (even more) absurd-looking. He carries a large milk jug full of a dull yellow liquid.]

Felix: Hey! Mr. Blond! What are you doing here?

Mr. Blond: Oh, you know. Just passing through the neighborhood. You guys doing one of your infamously hilarious skits?

Felix: Yeah, the Thanksgiving-themed one. It’s a bit belated, but we were short on material. Shouldn’t you and Daisuke getting ready for the tag title match at Violence Fetish?

Mr. Blond: Oh, about that… Daisuke is dead. Yeah, kind of puts us in a pinch.

Felix: Really? We had kind of written off Phyllis and Gabriel as a couple of messed up Goth kids who are inexperienced as a team. You guys, being the champions and all, were the ones we figured would be the biggest obstacles to us.

Mr. Blond: Well, see, I was going down to this drug dealer to get this gallon of PCP…

Felix: Is that what that is? I was wondering… I didn’t know PCP came in liquid form.

Mr. Blond: Well, you know how technology is these days…

Felix: Ah, I see. So Daisuke…?

Mr. Blond: Right. So I wanted this gallon of PCP but didn’t enough money for it, so I had Daisuke stay with the dealer as collateral…

Felix: Whoa, red flag.

Mr. Blond: But on the way to the ATM I kind of got distracted, as I was high on PCP…

Felix: Oh, so you do a lot of PCP?

Mr. Blond: Got a gallon.

Felix: Good point.

Mr. Blond: So I ended up watching a dude eat a snake for, like, an hour and when I figured out what was going on, it was too late. Drug dealer cut off Daisuke’s head. Total buzzkill.

Felix: Yeah, that always brings you down.

Mr. Blond: So if we stand a chance at VF I need to go get Shaun Wilson before he loses his head.

Felix: Holy shit, he’s with the dealer too?

Mr. Blond: No, I dropped him off this afternoon at the arcade with a roll of quarters and if I don’t pick him up soon he’s going to freak out. I meant “lose his head” figuratively and like, you know, a pun.

Felix: Oh, I get it. Funny.

Mr. Blond: Thanks. Hey, could you hold this for a second?

[Mr. Blond hands Felix the gallon of PCP. Two Mexican police officers move into frame, yelling in Spanish and placing Felix under arrest, slapping handcuffs on him.]

Felix: Hey! What the dilly, yo?

Mr. Blond: Daisuke’s scheme. Looks like you fell for it. Good luck trying to win the belts from a Mexican jail, Arroyo. Not so “fierce,” is it?

Felix: I’ll get you through this, Blond! You and the rest of the ZAAAAAAAAAIBAAAAAAATSUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!

[We see “To be continued…” as we fade to black…]
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