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Felix Dies; Plus Snape and Dobie. Dumbledore's gay.
Topic Started: Nov 28 2007, 04:10 AM (42 Views)
DoFIXER
Unregistered

[We open up on what looks to be a dirty yard outside of a Mexican jailhouse. “Fierce” Felix Arroyo, dressed in the same Indian get-up we saw him wearing in the last promo, is tied to a thick pole in the middle of the yard. Standing before him is a Hispanic middle-aged male with a large gut and wide mustache. He is wearing the uniform of an officer in the Mexican police force. His hands on his hips, he approaches Felix and clears his throat.]

Officer Diego: Senor Felix Arroyo… You have been found guilty of being in possession of a sizable quantity of narcotics, enough to warrant an intent to distribute. As in keeping with our zero tolerance policy concerning controlled substances – as required by the American War on Drugs – you have been sentenced to death by firing squad.

Felix: No way, dude! I’m too beautiful to die!

Officer Diego: SHUT UP! Men, fall in!

[Three Mexican police officers form up in a line behind the officer, all of them carrying rifles. Notable among them is Steve “The Emo Kid” Patterson, the only Caucasian and non-mustachioed of the trio.]

Felix: STEVE! What are you doing here?

Steve: Well… What with you getting arrested and all, I had to do something with you being sentenced to die. I have bills to pay, Felix. Can you blame me?

Felix: YES! YES I CAN!

Steve: Look, you got busted, I needed a job. There’s no sense in crying over spilled milk!

Felix: …But CRYING is what you ALWAYS do!

Officer Diego: SILENCE, GRINGOS! Before we begin, Senor Arroyo… Do you have any last words?

Felix: Yes. Just three.

[There is a long, awkward pause as the officer waits for Felix continue, but there is nothing but silence. After a minute or so, the officer just shrugs and turns to the police officers… and Steve.]

Officer Diego: Okay, men, each of you has been given a rifle. Only one of your rifles is loaded. The rest are full of blanks. None of you know which one has the loaded rifle, so all of your consciences can remain clean. Do you understand, men?

Policeman #1 and Policeman #2: SI, SENOR!

Steve: Yeah, sure, let’s just get this over with.

Felix: Steve, I can’t believe you’re going to kill me!

Steve: Didn’t you hear? There’s only a one-in-three chance I’m going to kill you!

Officer Diego: SHUT UP! All right. On the count of three, all of you are going to take aim and fire at the prisoner.

Felix: IF YOU DARE!

Officer Diego: I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!

Felix: Those were my last words. All three of them, Paco!

Officer Diego: Fine! Okay, men, get ready…

[Steve and the two other men lift their rifles.]

Officer Diego: …Aim…

[Steve and the two other men point their rifles in the direction of Felix.]

Officer Diego: …FIRE!

[Steve and the two other men fire their rifles, a cloud of smoke filling the air around them. Felix winces, bracing for the shot, but soon opens one eye, then the other and looks at his unhurt body. He erupts into a crazed giggle-fit, elated at his survival.]

Felix: YES! I KNEW THAT BIG FLAMING QUEER UP THERE WAS LOOKING OUT FOR ME!

Officer Diego: Okay… None of you hit him. You have to aim when you shoot. You can’t just assume that you don’t have the loaded rifle!

Steve, Policeman #1 and Policeman #2: I WAS AIMING!

Officer Diego: Well… Aim better! Garcia, you paying attention?

Policeman #1: Hey, why are you singling me out?

Officer Diego: No reason, I’m just saying.

Policeman #1: Wait… I have the loaded rifle, don’t I?!

Officer Diego: I didn’t say that! I did NOT say that!

Policeman #1: I’m glad I didn’t aim! I can’t have the death of a man on my shoulders!

Officer Diego: So you ADMIT to not aiming! Okay, fine, I see none of you graduated in from the police academy but from the baby academy.

Steve: Actually, I went to the University of Nebraska. I majored in philosophy…

Officer Diego: SHUT UP! Let’s see… Okay, give me your guns.

[The cops and Steve hand over their rifles to the officer, who begins to shuffle them between his hands. A bit like juggling them back and forth, like when a sidewalk hustler shuffles the cups so you don’t know which one has the ball under it. Once done, he hands them back to Steve and the cops.]

Policeman #2: (pointing to the first policeman’s rifle) It’s that one again, Garcia. I watched him.

Policeman #1: What?!

Officer Diego: …What the hell is wrong with you?! None of you say another word or I’ll make sure you’ll be shot next! Give me the guns again! Now!

[The officer takes back all three rifles and shuffles them once more, but this time with his back turned to Steve and the two cops so they can’t see him. While he’s doing this, Felix whispers at them.]

Felix: Hey, guys! If you shoot Erik Estrada over there instead, I’ll take you out behind the tool shed and make it worth your while!

Steve: Dude, I told you before, I only like you as a tag team partner!

Felix: The offer doesn’t extend to you, you JUDAS!

Officer Diego: SILENCIA! SILENCIA! Okay, none of you know who has the loaded rifle, so let’s get this over with. Margarita is making corn dogs for lunch.

[Policeman #1 opens his rifle and inspects the ammunition.]

Officer Diego: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! STOP THAT AT ONCE!

Policeman #1: I just wanted to make sure I didn’t have the loaded one!

Officer Diego: The point is you DON’T KNOW, not that you KNOW your rifle is loaded!

[While the officer is talking, Policeman #2 inspects his rifle as well.]

Policeman #2: Sweet, I got blanks.

Policeman #1: Really? Me too!

Officer Diego: I HATE YOU GUYS!

[Steve suddenly raises his rifle, shoots the officer and then shoots the two cops. He quickly throws down the rifle and rushes over to Felix, starting to untie him.]

Felix: Steve! I knew it! You didn’t betray me! You were going to rescue me all along!

Steve: To be honest with you, Felix, I just got tired of them bickering like that. But if we hurry and get out of here, we can still make Violence Fetish and win those tag belts!

[We see Steve and Felix running out of frame before the screen fades to black. We quickly open back up on Steve and Felix sitting in a car with Steve behind the wheel. It’s obviously not a real car, as the background scenery is stock footage and the car is just part of a set.]

Felix: So… Have you given any thought to how we’re going to win at VF?

Steve: Well, like we were saying, The Rejects aren’t really a threat. See, I would be worried if we were fighting a team that was experienced together and was a tried and true unit like the Zaibatsu or us. But in all the times we’ve fought the Rejects, it’s been some weird combination pulled out of their large stable. Crackerjack and Phyllis, Graver and Kiyoshi… now Gabriel and Phyllis. I can’t even keep them straight! I’m expecting them to use some trickery or something, but if we take advantage of how inexperienced Gabe and Phyl are as a team, we should be fine.

Felix: So that just leaves us with the champs, Mr. Blond and Daisuke…

Steve: I have to admit, it’s been awhile since we actually met them head-to-head. There was the Buckets o’ Blood match, which they pretty much gave up on. Since then, Shaun has been talking the smack out of all of them, and it’s just a junior member who hasn’t fully paid his dues yet. I suspect if we can keep our heads together, we can stay above the mind games and win out.

Felix: I’ve never said I was anything more than just a pretty face! If Daisuke wants to outwit me, he can go for it. But when it comes to actual physical strength, I’ll beat his ninja ass from here to Honduras. And Mr. Blond is nothing more than a meat shield for him to hide behind. We’re the better team and we’re going to prove it, damn it!

Steve: Hey, are those hitchhikers? What do you say we give them a lift?

Felix: Yeah, sure. Those guys are kind of cute. And the chica isn’t bad-looking either…

[The car comes to a halt by the side of the road. Into the car steps a white, black-haired man, a pretty Hispanic woman and a Hispanic man who looks so much like her they could be related. The Hispanic siblings look confused and scared, but the white man looks creepily calm.]

Felix: Hey, kids! We’re Steve and Felix!

Maya: I am Maya… this is my brother, Alejandro…

Sylar: You can call me… Gabriel.

Felix: Cool! Who wants to play some Travel Yahtzee!?

[And we fade to black…]
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