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| Hardcore Cybersex; Spankwire, Spam and Matches | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Dec 1 2007, 02:41 AM (35 Views) | |
| DoFIXER | Dec 1 2007, 02:41 AM Post #1 |
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[We open up on “Fierce” Felix Arroyo and Steve “The Emo Kid” Patterson sitting down next to each other in a pair of leather chairs, looking quite comfortable. Across from them but still facing the camera is Gunnar Leland in all his mustached glory, dressed in business casual attire – a navy blue collared shirt, khaki trousers and loafers. Felix is wearing a light pink El Santo t-shirt over faded Levi jeans while Steve sports a parka with a fluffy lining along the hood, a purple “Friends Or Enemies” shirt and thick Silvertab jeans. He appears quite bored, while Felix looks like he just downed a two liter bottle of Coke and a whole bag full of candy.] Gunnar: I’m here with Hardcore Sex, ladies and gentlemen, at their request to perform an interview. And it certainly is a pleasure to talk to two of Full Intensity Wrestling’s more… unique wrestlers. Steve: Shut your boring face already, douchebag. We only called on you because Toby is LARPing with the Rejects, Jeff Noon is hitting every whorehouse in town , Herman is making a sweater out of his bellybutton lint and Janine Morgan is on a tequila bender. Gunnar: What about the lovely Miss Rebecca Hunter? Steve: She’s tanning by the pool, that shallow, orange bitch. Gunnar: …Okay. So why do you need an interview in the first place? What is it you have to say? Steve: Jesus Christ, you got some kind of question fetish or something? We’ll get to that. Gunnar: Well, I am an interviewer… Felix: Now, now, boys, let’s be cool. See, Mr. Leland, the reason we asked for this time is because Hardcore Sex is launching something exciting and something new for our fans. Once we win the tag team titles at Violence Fetish, we’re going to be the most popular duo in FIW. Steve: Plus there’s a damn good chance we could win the Condemned Fetish main event. Well, one of us anyway. After all, we’ll be a team working together in the ring, which already gives us a huge advantage. Given that we’re the best duo out of all the teams, and well… It’s pretty much a smart bet that one of us will come out on top and get a shot at the Dual Crown. Felix: So ask us what we’re going to do get more exposure. Gunnar: Okay… What are you two going to do to get more exposure? Steve: We’re launching SpankWire, a brand spanking new streaming video site where Hardcore Sex fans can upload and share videos. They can put up questions for us, talk about our matches, talk about how much they love us, criticize and comment on FIW shows… Felix: …And hardcore pornography. Steve: Yeah, plus smut. Gunnar: So what is to prevent SpankWire from becoming a YouTube for porn? Steve: Nothing, really. We just figure that’s a way for it to become more popular, thus making Hardcore Sex more popular. Felix: And THIS video is going to be the first video placed on the site! Look, kids, I’m buffering! [Felix starts doing a robotic dance in his seat, slowly moving his arms and head in a choppy fashion.] Felix: 15%... 20%... 35%.... Gunnar: Wait a second. If I Google words like “Hardcore Sex” and “videos” and “SpankWire” what is to keep me from finding all sorts of things that have nothing to do with wrestling? Not to mention that you’re allowing pornography to be on the site anyway! Steve: Hey, Oral Roberts, keep your prudish morals somewhere else. We’ve always had a presence on the Internet. In fact, you could say most people use the Internet to find Hardcore Sex. Hardcore Sex has always been on the Web and now we’re just putting it all in one place. This way, cyber-citizens can find Hardcore Sex with ease and spend endless hours watching as much Hardcore Sex as they like… and for free! Gunnar: Is there at least going to be some kind of age-verification system? Felix: 45%.... 50%.... 70%... Steve: Age verification? Screw that! Hardcore Sex has fans of all ages. As soon as someone logs on to the Internet, they’re bombarded with Hardcore Sex whether they like it or not. In fact, we’ve even started a viral marketing campaign where we send e-mails to people with “HARDCORE SEX!” in the subject line. Now when they log into their Yahoo Mail! or Gmail accounts, their inboxes will be flooded with message about Hardcore Sex. Gunnar: That sounds dangerously like spam e-mail… Felix: 75%... 80%... 90%... Steve: Spam? We don’t know anything about that. We just collect e-mail addresses people post elsewhere and send them unsolicited e-mails talking about Hardcore Sex. Our Web site has gotten quite a few hits thanks to that. Gunnar: Mr. Patterson, that sounds like the definition of spam. You mislead people with junk mail that they didn’t ask for, thereby cluttering up their accounts and tricking them into seeing what you want them to see… Steve: They can always close their Internet browser if they don’t like it! Granted, the pop-up and pop-under and spyware software we installed on the site makes sure that when they open up their browser, the Hardcore Sex site has become their new homepage… Felix: 95%... 100%! Gunnar: Nice of you to re-join us, Mr. Arroyo. Felix: I’m sorry, you don’t have the latest version of JavaScript installed. Please click here to get the newest version! [There is awkward silence as Gunnar sits there staring at Felix. Eventually he leans over and pokes Felix on the arm. Felix then reaches behind his chair and produces a large sign that reads “CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE JUST WON TWO FREE IPOD NANOS AND A TICKET TO VIOLENCE FETISH!”] Gunnar: This is perhaps the most nefarious thing I have ever heard. Steve: Don’t worry, I can stop it. [Steve reaches behind his chair and produces a sign that is a grainy sign that reads “4IEO5”.] Steve: Hey, Felix, try and read this. [Felix attempts to do so, but seems to have great difficulty. After awhile he stays to convulse, ultimately throwing his sign away and collapsing in his chair. Gunnar seems mildly concerned.] Gunnar: Is he all right? Steve: He’ll be fine. Now if there’s nothing else, you’ve served your purpose. Gunnar: Perhaps I could ask you some questions about your matches at Violence Fetish? To make all this idiocy worthwhile? Steve: Whatever. Gunnar: What strategies are you going to employ to win the tag team titles? Steve: Well, we had some great ideas for beating Phyllis and Gabriel. We bought loads of garlic, crucifixes, holy water, altar boys…. Gunnar: They have been quite silent as of late. Steve: They’ve thrown in the towel before the bell rang. They know they have no chance to beat us. They’re uninspired nobodies who aren’t hungry enough to prove themselves in this business. Not like us. We haven’t been given one iota of respect since we first appeared here. People write us off as jokers, comedians, a couple of guys milking a clever name for a team. Well, if that’s the case, FIW should be ashamed of itself. We’ve torn up the tag team division. We challenged the Revolution and it was SERIOUS. We’re challenging one of the strongest, most notorious stables in FIW history and it is SERIOUS. We’re major contenders for the tag team titles and it is SERIOUS. And once we win the belts at VF, everyone else will know how SERIOUS a team we are. Yeah, we like to have a laugh, we like to embarrass our opponents, we like to entertain. Well, Felix does. What I like… is to cause pain. To make others feel the hurt that I feel in my broken heart. I personally could do without all the jokes, the puns the skits… As long as it means a match in the end, I’ll go along with whatever stupidity Felix comes up with. Gunnar: It doesn’t sound like you’re on the same page then. Steve: Having different personalities and not being a team are two different things. Granted, we may have distinct interests, but we’ve been a team for a long, long time. We can pull off tandem moves without even having to look at one another. We just know. And we both want to dominate the tag division and make everyone else acknowledge how fucking talented we are. If Felix wants to do it with glitter and fanfare, I don’t give a shit. As long as we both arrive at the same place, I’ll put up with everything anything he comes up with along the way. Gunnar: Like this “SpankWire” thing? Steve: Yes. Classic Felix. I wanted to do a Web site where people could post suicide videos since those are the most popular profiles on MySpace and Facebook. But Felix thought porn would be more acceptable. So I signed on with it. Personally, I don’t care what our fans do or think. They can kill themselves and I wouldn’t care. Everything I care about is done between the bells. Gunnar: So you think Daisuke and Mr. Blond are going to require all your strength? Steve: It’s going to be a dream for me. They fight dirty and they fight ruthless. They know there are no rules that matter. They’re going to make me bleed and that’s when I’m happiest. They’re going to push me to the point of losing. And just when the world thinks I’m finished, I’m going to give them the harsh reality of Hardcore Sex as the tag team champions. Because as mean and clever the Zaibatsu is, they’re not as hungry and in love with pain as I am. Felix: Or as sexy as I am! Gunnar: Welcome back, Mr. Arroyo. Felix: FIW needs beautiful champions. Jamie Lee had her title robbed and she’s too wrapped up in her ex-boyfriend to focus on getting it back from Drake Love. Crackerjack is the ugliest motherfucker I’ve ever seen! And while Daisuke might be cute in a sophisticated kind of way, Mr. Blond looks like an extra from an Oliver Twist performance. HARDCORE SEX WILL BE THE MOST GLAMOROUS, SEXIEST CHAMPS IN THE WORLD! Well, I will be, anyway. Steve: Hey, many girls find my vulnerability sexy. Felix: Please, Steve. Even Jamie Lee wrote you off as “Felix’s tag team partner.” Steve: What does that shallow bitch know? She broke Adam Wilson’s heart and now Adam Wilson is going to crack her skull. I’m fine with that. Gunnar: Well, this has been quite all well and good, gentlemen, but… Steve: Yeah, go ahead, get the fuck out of here. [Gunnar does indeed get up and leave, silently angry and annoyed. Felix and Steve talk between each other as we fade to black…] |
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7:35 PM Jul 11