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Love Hurts (and so does Hardcore Sex); Kennedy, look out! And Prime, maybe more
Topic Started: Dec 5 2007, 04:26 AM (36 Views)
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[We open up on Steve “The Emo Kid” Patterson and “Fierce” Felix Arroyo, otherwise known as FIW Tag Team Champions Hardcore Sex, standing outside the Zenko-ji temple in Nagano, Japan. They are in stark contrast to the somber, sacred atmosphere of the ancient Buddhist landmark. Felix is dressed more BDSM than usual – hot pants, a small vest and cap, all in black leather. He wears black aviator sunglasses over his eyes. Around Steve’s eyes is a bountiful helping of mascara, a black hoodie with the hood over his emo haircut and black ADIDAS track suit pants. They wear the tag team belts around their waists quite proudly. They raise microphones to their mouths as the camera zooms in on them.

Felix: Well, it’s finally happened, boys and girls! Hardcore Sex has won the tag team titles! The champions, the champions, the champions… How nice it sounds.

Steve: I personally don’t give a FLYING FUCK about these things. But as long as it bugs some people that we have them, it brings me great joy to wear them out in public, in the locker room, everywhere we go, just to remind all the bastards and bitches that looked down on us that… WE… are the best team in FIW.

Felix: Seeing Daisuke with that adorable pout on his lips was the cherry on this orgasmic sundae! If only he didn’t get to take a private jet from location to location, I would have invited him into the airport bathroom for a little Larry Craig-style loving. Then we could have joined the Mile High Club over the Pacific! I would have gladly dropped a Pearl Harbor all over his Japanese Zero.

Steve: Instead we had to wait in the security checkpoint as they went over ALL the metal on that outfit of yours. Did you need to wear something with so many zippers? And don’t get me started on the vibrating object in your suitcase…

Felix: Hey, I never go on tour without my battery-operated boyfriend! And I hope Kennedy brought hers too!

Steve: Don’t tell me you’ve finally renounced that stupid fire crotch?

Felix: Fuck no! Kennedy will always be the most glamorous, most talented and absolutely fabulous woman in Full Intensity Wrestling. Sure, she doesn’t have a lot of competition right now, but she could still make Moolah in her prime look like Courtney Love! She’s like the Nicole Kidman of pro-wrestling! And just like Nicole, she’s let herself get messed up by a total closet case.

Steve: I take it you mean Steroids McRockhead himself, Prime.

Felix: Naturally! Look, I don’t have to be Steve here to know how love plays tricks on the mind, tugs at the heartstrings and leaves you confused and helpless underneath an avalanche of sadness and regret.

Steve: Have you been peeking in my poetry book again?

Felix: Please, friend of friends, I’m not THAT masochistic. It’s just the oldest story in the book. Literally! Eve got all the blame in the Bible for trying to help Adam out. And here’s Prime, the typical heterosexual blockhead, seeing all the curves and sexiness but not knowing how to handle himself. He’s too used to slamming bodies he doesn’t know how to work one! And that means Miss Kennedy is one pent-up sex kitten.

Steve: Hmmm… I hadn’t thought about that, but it does make sense.

Felix: She’s not going to lower herself to responding to the ridiculous passes of an English muffin, especially when her appetite is whetted by grade A all-American steak! That tanned skin, those perfect muscles, those deep blue eyes… He’s like Michelangelo’s David come to life!

Steve: Watch out, Felix, you’re drooling all over the place. Keep in mind that he’s our opponent on Friday, as is your redheaded role model.

Felix: Yes, it’s true. And while normally we would write them off as an inexperienced team caught up with their own problems, we can’t forget just how much BETTER they are than we are! We may be the best tag team in FIW – as these nice pieces of bling bling attest to – but when it comes to the singles wrestling world, Prime and Kennedy are sitting on top of the heap. And when they’re put together, that spells trouble for Hardcore S-E-X!

Steve: Which is why we’re going to make up for that talent gap with the guidance and experience of a certain someone…. A particular genius who has become like a mentor to me… An artist such as myself, someone who recognizes the true depravity and immorality of this world… The Savior of Sorrow, the Messiah of the Mind… Onikage!

Felix: Yes, the short break-up of Hardcore Sex led to us becoming stronger than ever. At first I was genuinely irate at Steve for warming to someone outside the team, but then I came around to the idea of joining the Rejects! I mean, it really does make sense when you think about it… Who else is remarkably talented but so underappreciated than us? They either write us off as a fag and a crybaby or as a comedy team. Well, we’re the champions now, bitches, and with Onikage acting as our adviser, we’re going to be an unstoppable duo in an entire group of major players.

Steve: Crackerjack is in the hunt for the big titles. Kiyoshi is the Dual Crown champion. And now you have the tag team title holders as well. The Rejects have finally become the super unit it was meant to be. And at Violence Fetish, we proved we deserved to be members. And at ReVolt, once we bury Kennedy and Prime, we’ll have proven that the sky is the limit with Onikage and the other Rejects in our corner.

Felix: Kennedy… I still love ya, bitch, but you’re going down! I didn’t appreciate you trying to break my neck with that chair either! I can claw and pull hair with the best of them, and as much as it pains me, I’ll muster up the courage to grind my crotch against yours! Granted, I’ll probably throw up afterwards…

Steve: Maybe you should let me handle the Linday Lohan look-alike while you handle Prime, Felix…

Felix: NO! You may be fast on your feet like Miss Kennedy, but I’m going to make her respect the Fierce One. If I have to put her through the Pelvis-to-Pelvis… so be it. If I have to put her through the It’s Raining Men… so be it. And if I have to feel up her fishy taco before I hit the Prostate Exam… WELL THAT’S JUST A SACRIFICE I’M GONNA HAVE TO MAKE! And I can always just wipe my hands… and my mouth… on FIW’s Adonis right afterward.

Steve: Yeah, we may need to iron out this plan a bit…

[And as they walk out of frame, we fade to black…]
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