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Using Sex to Get What You Want; Fucking Your Way to the Top
Topic Started: Dec 18 2007, 06:33 PM (40 Views)
DoFIXER
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[We open up on the plaza outside the Nagoya Rainbow Hall with some fruity steel modern art masterpiece standing before the circular building. There are rows and rows of flowerbeds along the plaza, but none of them are as flamboyant as what a certain “Fierce” Felix Arroyo is wearing. He is apparently emulating a certain internationally famous superstar as he is wearing an ornate fur-lined black robe covered in sequins. Underneath is a black shirt and leather pants. Steve, on the other hand, is dressed for the weather, wearing a leather jacket, a knit cap, a Funeral for a Friend t-shirt and jeans. Off to the side and totally faded into the background is Jeff Noon, wearing a black-and-red stripped sweater over puke-colored trousers. Naturally he has a microphone.]

Noon: Well, we’re, uh, here at the, um, Nagoya Rainbow Hall…

Felix: YES! One of the 300 historical spots named by the Japanese government in honor of the homosexual community! Truly, it is a glorious thing to come to a place that is friendly to people of the Oscar Wilde persuasion! After touring the West Indies, with all their Catholic mama’s boy closest cases, it is indeed a pleasure to be in a country where persecution of gays doesn’t exist!

Noon: Um, right. So, uh, how do you guys feel about losing your last match?

[This has seemingly sucked all the excitement out of Felix. Steve, who is never excited about anything ever, just continues to glare at Jeff.]

Noon: Um… I’m sorry…?

Felix: There’s no reason to be sorry, my poor, ugly friend! It’s the truth! After winning the tag team titles at Violence Fetish, we lost our match Friday against Prime and Kennedy! But all things considered, I think we did pretty well!

Steve: Not only are Prime and Kennedy big time names in FIW, they had to CHEAT to win. If Prime hadn’t hit Felix with that lead pipe, you’d better believe we would have kept going after that weak knee and won the match. But Prime showed what an unfair, cheating coward he is and how desperate he was not to lose to us.

Noon: Um, but you were the one who brought out the pipe…

[Felix reaches over, shoves Noon to the ground and picks up the microphone.]

Felix: Shut up, kid, you’re starting to get on our nerves! Look, even the beautiful vixen that is Miss Kennedy acknowledged how disgusting and dirty Prime played that match. We all saw her walk off in a huff! She believes in ethics and goodness and justice and all that shit. That’s why she’s a role model for so many young girls, just like I was!

Steve: For fuck’s sake, here we go again with this…

Felix: Stay calm, Steve! I had my little bout with Kennedy and we worked it out in the ring, like true professional ladies do. I consider it an extreme honor to ever be in the zip code as her, much less the same ring. But, for the moment, we have more important things to focus on… like beating Daisuke Tanaka and Roxie Galanoochie right here at this very arena!

Steve: That’s right. And I just have one question: Who the hell booked this match? Are they fucking insane? Do our fans really want to see Hardcore Sex versus the Zaibatsu all over again? God knows that we had an epic struggle on par with Gilgamesh versus Hercules at the pay-per-view, but aren’t we trying to AVOID redundancy? We beat the Zaibatsu before and we’re going to beat them again. Now, Daisuke is a strong opponent…

Felix: …although as bland as vanilla ice cream mixed with white rice and scrambled eggs…

Steve: …but Roxie? Roxie Gala-motherfucking-noochie? Some mobbed up lesbian stripper with an axe to grind? Daisuke-san, use all those millions you got to buy a fucking clue. If you’re trying to improve your stable, don’t waste your time on some ditzy bitch. You’ve already stupefied us all by investing in Shaun Wilson of all people, but now Roxie? Are you trying to make a team so bad that the Revolution look good again?

Felix: Bottom line is the only Hellcat worth a damn is redheaded and hotter than hell! The sad fact of the matter is that they booked this match for the pure and simple reason there is NO competition in the tag team division for Hardcore Sex, so they’re going to keep putting us with the same people we’ve beat time and time again! People who are no challenge to us at all!

Steve: We force FIW’s Strongest Narcissist to cheat to beat us and they drop us back to curtain-jerking status! Is this the way to treat champions, FIW?! We’re like God except ten times as strong and we exist! So why not put us up against the gods of pro-wrestling?

Felix: We’re ready for the big time! WHOOOOO! And you know what else? We have three friends who are ALREADY in the big time! Onikage, except he doesn’t wrestle anymore… and Crackerjack and Kiyoshi Nakahata! Kiyoshi… I have to tell you, he’s popular here in Japan for some reason. He’s as lethal as he is cute. He may be a man of few words, but he is a man of many, many, many harsh actions!

Steve: And Crackerjack? The man is death. Like, fucked-up David Lynch-style death. We’ve been in the ring with the guy, so we know. In fact, we’ve taken on Kiyoshi and ‘Jack several times, so we know how good they are! And if we were good enough to hang with them, it’s only a matter of time before we move right back up that card to where we BELONG!

Felix: So Daisuke… Take your new “acquisition” for a long night of scissoring. She’s going to need to have her spirits lifted after we embarrass her all over that ring and pick up the redemption we need for losing last week. Because once you try to get some Hardcore Sex….

Steve: …You will be…

Steve & Felix: REJECTED!!!

[Felix tosses the microphone to the ground as Hardcore Sex walk out of frame. We pan down to see the microphone laying on top of Jeff Noon, who is still passed out on the floor as we fade to black…]
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