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| BREAKING NEWS~!; The Four Part Epic | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 27 2008, 12:26 AM (105 Views) | |
| Mike "Ace" Rimmer | Mar 27 2008, 12:26 AM Post #1 |
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Ladies and gentleman, I would like to announce....the camera is fading in! Oh right, that's no news at all. Well let me tell you to the people of Bulgaria, this is quite feat to behold and would tell their great great grandchildren about the time they saw such an effect on their magic vision box. But anyway, I'm just trying to pad out this ridiculous introduction. Joined in with this fading of the camera is what sounds like a very stereotypical "News" music. We fade in on what is a very convincing news studio. We are on a camera on a crane, and come from a high angle, down into the studio to the desk, where two men in suits sit. Behind them is a very large screen which upon it is projected a busy news room. On the top left hand side of the screen it says "PBN". The two people behind the desk in question is none other than Sir Colbert Tottington and Lord General Mortimer Igneous. They are both very well dressed. The talked to eachother and shuffle their papers, but we can't hear them as the music plays. As the music stops, we realise that the two are in fact not talking at all, but miming, perhaps trying to make themselves appear like real news readers. The two soon realise that there is complete silence, as they make random mouth movements to make them appear intelligent. They both slowly look into the camera, realise and quickly turn so they both face the camera. Colbert: Hello welcome to Posh British News. I'm Colbert Tottington. General: And I'm Mortimer Igneous. In the news today... Suddenly a graphic comes up on the screen. It shows Blake Orange, with his arm raised from last weeks match against Dragon. The text below says: CONFUSION OVER NEWBIE. Colbert: (voiceover) Confusion throughout FIW as people expecting the next Hutch were instead greeted with a rather shambolic newcomer. The graphic then changes to a picture of Extreme Ninja #2. Text states: JAPANESE MASSOCHIST ON LAM. General: The Gimp Attacker still at large. Graphic changes to Shaun Wilson. Below it says: COMPLAINTS ON EXTREME STEREOTYPE. Colbert: FIW inandated with complaints from the African American community as Shaun Wilson continues the insulting gimmick. Graphic changes to Ash Koopa. General: And finally in sport, as the friendly with Ash Koopa draws ever closer, some playful banter is thrown from one of his opponents Colbert Tottington. We then cut from the graphics back to the two at the table. Behind them on the screen is the picture of Blake Orange again. Colbert: But first, upset throughout FIW's fanbase after a false internet leak tricks them into believing that debuting Blake Orange was in fact going to be the return of an FIW legend. Some suspected Hutch, while others said Ragin' was going to be the re-debuting superstar, but instead were greeted by the rather unimpressive Blake Orange. Reporting on this, is our Debut & Return Corrispondent, Lord General Mortimer Igneous. The camera suddenly cuts to what is apparently a video report from the General. The General stands outside last week's London stadium with a microphone. General: Thanks, Colbert. I'm here at the very site where Blake Orange came out for his first match. Four weeks before the match internet sites were a buzz, with an apparent backstage leak claiming that FIW was to soon have a returning former FIW main eventer from the heyday of the Slam! era. This was soon followed by many believing that Blake Orange was going to be the returning individual. These beliefs were further feuled when Blake Orange was revealed in his promos. People believed that FIW would never hire someone so old as a new member of the roster without having somewhat of a large World following before coming. With many believing the Blake Orange shown in the promos was in fact a fake, tickets sold for larger than usual amounts on eBay. These fans however, were disappointed with the opening event when we were greeted with Blake Orange, who in fact was some psycho former business dude with a tendancy of naming his moves after himself such as "the Blake-plex" and the "Cocking-slam". After the disappointingly small match, Blake returned to the back, leaving everyone in a state of disbelief. I am joined now by one disappointed fan, a Mr. Colbert Tottington. The camera zooms out to see Colbert Tottington wearing jeans and a t-shirt that says "I facebooked your mum". General: Mr. Tottington, please describe to us what your feelings exactly are about this event? Colbert: As a fan, I was very disappointed with it. Blake Orange came out and gave us what was practically 3 moves, then fucked off to the back. I mean what a wang-tongue. General: But surely it wasn't Blake's fault that many thought it wasn't actually going to be him? Colbert: I don't give a fuck! I'm pissed off and I want to see him get his arse kicked at Anarchy in the UK. General: Will you be watching the match of FIW.com? Colbert: Yes. Yes I will. The General suddenly takes out what appears to be £10 out of his pocket and hands it to Colbert. General: Thanks for that. Colbert: I don't have the internet. General: Yeah but they need the advertising. Anyway, back to the studio. The camera cuts back to the "studio" where Colbert sits behind the desk but the General is not there. Colbert: Thank you General, and we now go over to our expert Lord General Mortimer Igneous by the news wall. The camera swings across to show the General now standing in front of one of those graphics walls. On there is a picture of Blake Orange. General: Now we have already established that people were disappointed that Blake Orange was not a former FIW legend, but what effect will this have on his match? Well the PBN wall is here to demonstrate what will happen in his match. First of the bell will go. The graphic of Blake Orange goes, replaced by a time line. There are all the points set out on the line, but there is nothing written above or below them to show what they represent, apart from the first one which says "the bell rings". The General indicates to the first point. General: Now then, right from the very off Blake Orange is at a major disadvantage. Last week he was in the ring with a man that has not won a match since Nightmare was popular. Not even Jeff Noon could've lost that match. This week he's against a man that is so deadly, he's mentioned in the bible. Suddenly we hear Colbert off camera. Colbert: Am I? General: Sure why not? Anyway, this means that when he faces Colbert Tottington, he will not stand a chance. But anyway, let us continue to see what he is actually in store for. Well after the bell will go, he will naively go straight for Colbert. This is because he's a newbie, and will think that if he manages to do some damage to the biggest threat, Colbert, that he'll make a name for himself. On the wall, the next point's text comes up saying "the first mistake". General: This will be his first mistake. From here, if Colbert does not knock his head off from the first clothesline, then he is in for a World of Pain. The graphic has now the next point, "World of Pain". General: Colbert will put him through so many different pains, that he'll believe he's been showed Pain Swatches, as if from a Pain version of Homebase... Colbert: You still couldn't think of a quicker and tidier way of telling that joke? General: Fuck off! Now Mr. Orange, since you're such a lover of your name, I'm pretty sure that Colbert will share that passion, by taking an orange and ramming one down your throat like a Christmas stocking. The next point comes up on the wall. "Christmas Stocking". General: After this, you will then be discarded, as Colbert continues to destroy everyone else in the ring, while you struggle to breath, choking on the orange. The final point on the timeline. "Choking". General: And that is what will happen. Blake will still be riding high after the victory, and will still believe that the hype was because people liked the look of him...and ultimately will be destroyed by Colbert. Back to you Colbert. Camera swings back to Colbert. Colbert: Thanks General. Join us back after the break when we report on the Japanese Gimp. Camera cuts to commercials.... |
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| Mike "Ace" Rimmer | Mar 27 2008, 11:24 AM Post #2 |
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[align=center]HEY! ARE YOU A HISTORY BUFF? THEN YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT THE COLBERT TOTTINGTON HISTORY OF THE UK BOXSET! FROM BRITAIN'S BRAVE WORLD WAR II BATTLE WHILE AMERICA TOUCHED THEMSELVES BEING SCARED FOR FOUR YEARS, UNTIL THE JAPANESE CAME ALONG, AND SUDDENLY AMERICA WERE THE MAIN VICTIMS... ALSO LEARN ABOUT THE BRITISH EMPIRE, FROM IT'S INCREDIBLE RISE, TO WHEN IT GAVE INDEPENDENCE TO ALL OF THOSE COUNTRIES. LEARN HOW AMERICA WAS NAMED AFTER A WELSHMAN, NOT AMERIGO VESPUCCI AS MANY BELIEVE. FIND OUT HOW THE USA HAS NEVER ACHIEVED ANYTHING, AND WHENEVER THEY GET BITTER ABOUT THE BRITISH EMPIRE, THEY TALK ABOUT HOW THEY "SAVED" THE WAR...WHEN IN FACT THEY WERE USELESS... BUY COLBERT TOTTINGTON'S HISTORY OF THE UK BOXSET, AND IT COMES WITH A FREE JIMMY CARTER DOLL, THE HARDEST WORKING OF ALL AMERICAN PRESIDENTS... UK: £30 USA: $100,000 Cost in America may be higher because of exchange rate and the brainwashed masses will have to be taught a lot more before they understand...that and the dude is named after a fruit...[/align] |
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| Mike "Ace" Rimmer | Mar 27 2008, 04:23 PM Post #3 |
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Camera fades back into the studio. This time, the General is behind the desk while Colbert is missing. General: Welcome back from the commercial break. Next up, a report on the Japanese Gimp Attacker, still at large. We are now joined live from our Crime Correspondent, Colbert Tottington. The screen now splits in two. On the left hand side we still have the General in the studio, but on the other side it is Colbert "out in the field"...but actually not in a field at all, and instead of what appears to be "New Scotland Yard". Colbert: Hello General. General: Hello Colbert. So what can you tell us about what happened yesterday? Colbert: Well according to reports, yesterday a group of "youths" were approached by this Japanese Gimp, also known by FIW fans as "Extreme Ninja #2". After forcing the youths to touch him inappropriately, he continued to then attack them,leaving them laid on the floor. General: Is there anymore news on Extreme Ninja himself? Colbert: Well according to my sources, he's from Detroit and is a trained ninja. He dresses in leather as well, which suggests an unusual sexual life. General: Wait, I thought you said he was Japanese. Colbert: I'm a reporter, General, not a geography teacher. I'm here to tell you what I know. General: Okay then. Well what have the police said on the matter? Colbert: We have footage of the press conference itself, from earlier today. We then cut to another video. This time it is a press conference. It is the typical set up in front of camera, and most likely a lot of press behind the camera (though we cannot see). Sitting behind the table is Lord General Mortimer Igneous is a policeman costume. Next to him is Colbert Tottington, dressed in a different suit. The General stands up. General: Thank you ladies and gentlemen for joining us today. Today I can confirm reports that a masked individual sometime yesterday attacked a number of young men. I can say now that they are now in a stable condition in hospital, and so although they could not be here themselves, we are joined by their lawyer Mr. Colbert Tottington. All queries concerning the victims in question will be fowarded to him. So we would now like to open the floor to all questions. Umm yes, you. The General points off camera to someone. The voice of a woman is heard. Woman: Can you confirm reports that it was Extreme Ninja #2 from FIW that was to attacker in question? General: I can confirm that, yes. At this time FIW has refused to comment on the event, but they've told us that they will continue to let him fight, seeming as they have a major event this Sunday. Umm, yes. The General points to someone else. The voice is a man is heard. Man: Have the victims made any statements on the attacker? Colbert stands up. Colbert: My client made the following statement. Colbert picks up a sheet of paper and reads from it. Colbert: "That batty boi messed with the wrong blud. Only a pussy attacks someone younger than him unless you is asking for a quid or his trainers or something. I is well gunna watch his match on FIW.com this week so I can see him get his fuckin' ass kicked by the playa Colbert Tottington. Homeboi is well gunna get revenge, Biggie style." That is all my client has said on the subject. General: Next question, please. Voice of another man. Man: Will charges be pressed on Mr. Ninja? General: At this time I cannot say, although it is the belief of many within the force that Extreme Ninja #2 will be in no position to go to prison after this Sunday, seeming as he will be entering the ring against Colbert Tottington. Colbert will undoubtably make sure that Extreme Ninja #2 will get any punishment heading his way. Although we cannot officially condemn any vigilante action, I think I speak for everyone here in this room that we will all to gladly turn a blind eye to any of the actions taken by Colbert Tottington during the match. One more question. The voice of a woman's heard. Woman: Isn't the fact that Colbert's the lawyer, reporter and news presenter going to confuse people, and also the narrative of this reality you're portraying? Colbert: Listen bitch, I'm just trying to keep things original here. I could of easily made a promo talking to the camera, saying how I'm going to kick his arse and get that UIC contendership, but no I thought I'd give you people something special, something that is a bit more interesting to watch. But apparantly that isnt' good enough for you. I mean who are you anyway? Some bitch extra we hired? You were supposed to ask the question "Is it true Extreme Ninja's a gimp?" but fuck it, you people would rather just see me talk to camera. Fine let's just do that. Colbert looks straight the camera. Colbert: Hey there EN. Have you been enjoying this segment so far? Probably not, apparantly this kind of originality isn't appreciated anymore. People would rather see us just talk to the camera and bitch about how our career's going to rise again soon. Well let me set the record with you right now. You and I have very little in common. Apart from both being former Flycore champions, we are almost completely opposite. You're there for the kids, the little bit of fun, the guy that likes to entertain people with colourful costumes and a cute promos where you'd rather do some physical comedy than actually talk. Me on the other hand, I am not colourful. Well I am partially, but that's just because I love my country so I wear the flag now and I then. But I am a serious competitor. I can tell jokes and I like having fun, but when it comes down to it, I'm still more deadly than the General after eating one of those El Paso wraps. I have the intelligence to actually talk, to tell people what I think of them and make sure everyone else knows that my respect is not easily won. Extreme Ninja, this week you're just another one of those useless little people that happens to be in the match so that it isn't just a Reject vs. a Reject. Along with the Blake-ster and Shaun "The Punchline" Wilson, you're basically there because Dragon's too busy getting his head placed back on his shoulders to be carted out again for another squash next ReVolt. I'm sorry to tell you this, I really am, but at the end of the day you can't exactly complain about it....you can't even speak. I'm not making fun of the mute...as a community they never moan, but you are just annoying. It's like you've found ways of annoying people even though you have no way of making those noises in Dumb and Dumber...but anyway. This week you might be lucky enough to not be pinned by me and Ash, but I'm making no promises. If you get in my way at all, I'll do to you what I did Princess Diana. There is suddenly a large gasp in the room. Colbert: What? No not the car crash thing! I meant the affair...being Harry's father...you know, fuck you people, it's been over 10 years now. Get over it. Anyway, fuck this. The video suddenly cuts back to the splilt screen with the General in the studio and Colbert live "outside" Scotland Yard. General: Explosive scenes there. Colbert: Well it was the bitch's fault... General: Colbert, stay in character... Colbert: Oh, I mean yes indeed. You can see that this controversial event has caused a lot of uproar, and indeed all eyes will be on Extreme Ninja's dark match on Sunday. General: Thank you, Colbert. Colbert: Thanks. The camera then cuts so it's just the General behind the desk on screen. General: In the last few minutes, I have recieved this piece of information on the Blake Orange story. He's not only a newbie, but also a highly unintelligent one, as shown in his promo when he...showed a graphic saying Blake Orange = Winner. This obviously naive showing makes everyone believe he's stupid. Colbert: (off camera) Nothing about his ill informed views on Britain? General: What ill-informaed views? Colbert: Are you sure you're British? General: Are you? Join us after the break. Camera fades out. |
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| Mike "Ace" Rimmer | Mar 27 2008, 09:31 PM Post #4 |
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[align=center]WANT RICHES BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS? WANT ADVENTURES THAT LOOK AS IF THEY BELONG TO FAIRY TALES? WANT MORE RUM THAN YOUR BODY CAN POSSIBLY HANDLE? WANT ALL OF THAT SWEET, SWEET WENCH BOOTY? WANT SOME NEAT LOOKING CLOTHES? THEN! COLBERT TOTTINGTON'S SCHOOL FOR ASPIRING PIRATES IS FOR YOU! LEARN FROM THE MASTER IN ALL OF THESE ASPECTS OF BEING A PIRATE! INCLUDING WAYS TO KILL YOUR ARCH RIVAL (AND MUCH LAMER THAN YOU)...NINJA! WHO NEEDS PUSSY MASKS AND PJS WHEN YOU GOT LEATHER BOOTS AND FLUFFY SHIRTS?! CHOP THOSE STUPID DARTS AND THROWING STARS TO BITS WITH YOUR SWORDS! OR, BLOW THAT JELLY FISH TO KINGDOM COME WITH YOUR CANNONS! AlsoincludedtheGeneral'steachingsofthebuttpirateway[/align] |
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| Mike "Ace" Rimmer | Mar 28 2008, 01:09 AM Post #5 |
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Our camera fades back into the news studio, where Colbert sits behind the desk and the General is again missing. Colbert: That advert was from our sponsor Gatito Productions & Associates, in conjunction with the Gatito Oro Broadcasting Corporation. Now, as of late FIW has had a large number of complaints considering one of it's wrestlers, Shaun Wilson. Mr. Wilson is also known as the African American Whoop Ass Machine, but as of late has caused controversy by sending out a negative image of the African American community. I am joined now by our senior black corrispondant, Lord General Mortimer Igneous. Mortimer, welcome. The camera zooms out to see the General sitting on a chair at the side of the desk, facing sidewards look at Colbert. General: Hello. Colbert: General...you're supposed to look black. General: I draw the line at blacking up Colbert, I'm sorry. Colbert: You just can't get the staff these days. Anyway, tell me what is all this uproar about? General: Well, there has been a lot of complaints that Shaun Wilson is portraying a negative image of African Americans. He comes across as what they are calling a "stereotypical" view on the "ghetto" lifestyle. Colbert: Can you tell us just some examples? General: Indeed. When he luckily defeated Colbert Tottington for the Flycore Title, he refered to the belt as his "bling". From here he started to "Pimp Slap" members of the roster, including Mr. Tottington and has since been partying and womanising constantly. This stereotypical "rapper-style" life that he claims to live has upset many of the African Americans, or blacks, that watch FIW. Colbert: I see. So what effect can this have? General: Well two main ones. The first is to give people the wrong idea about the black community as a whole, pushing the stereotypes about the violent rapper lifestyle, which could almost be seen as scaremongering. The other negative outcome is that it could make many black youths believe this is how you should act if you're black. Instead of becoming a role model, he is using his position to set a bad example. It is well known that the young blacks from the ghetto are hard to get through to, and those that are able to do so should not be sending out that "gangsta" image. Colbert: This all very interesting...but is it funny? General: Not everything has to be funny...I'm trying to prove a point that Shaun Wilson should stop right now. I am completely serious. Colbert: I see....but can I know play the video of me having a big shot at him? General: Oh by all means, I'm done now. Colbert: Back to script? General: Right oh. So yes, earlier today I went to the man that has suffered both from Shaun Wilson's luck, and from his stereotyping. Sir Colbert Tottington had this to say on the subject. The camera now cuts away to another video. We see Colbert Tottington looking straight into camera. We hear the General's voice off camera. General: So then Colbert, just give us your views on Mr. Shaun Wilson, and do not be afarid to give us your true feelings. Colbert: Shaun Wilson makes me feel physically sick. The man started off as a lower card joke, with no following, no gimmick, and no hope. He was inoffensive and harmless enough. Then something happened, I assume he suddenly got MTV Base. Next thing you know the dude is acting all gangsta and suddenly he believes that he's already FIW's biggest star. Now I'm all for being a bit cocky when you've got talent...but when you don't have talent, you have no right, and Shaun Wilson has no right. Or talent. Or sex appeal. But that's for another time...if you don't mind, I'm going to talk to the camera so I can talk directly to Shaun. I suppose I still thought you were harmless enough, if not starting to be a bit offensive. Then suddenly you got a stroke of luck, beat me...and then you were not harmless anymore. Suddenly you believe you not only have talent, but you actually believed you're better than me. That was unforgiveable. You went around slapping people and acting as if you owned the place. But look at you now. You've lost that bling from around your waist, and this time you're stuck in the ring with a man that has a grudge against you, though I'm sure the others in our match hate you as well. Now although I do not at all consider you a threat in this match, I do however want to personally oversee your desctruction. Everything you represent, I personally loathe. I loathe the way you use your inheritance as a gimmick. The fact you're black is no more a gimmick than the fact that I have white teeth, or that the General is abnormally hairy. It is simply a fact about your body. It does not give you the right to then use what your ancestors worked so hard to achieve just so girls think that you're some sort of sexiest pig. I'm pretty sure Martin Luther King did not die so that you could party while going on about how you're from the ghetto. Now, some my think that I'm controversial for saying that you're a disgrace to Martin Luther King, but you're the one that chose to use your skin colour as the basis of your career, so it's only fair for me to show you how it was managed that you got to do such a thing. And if that's too controversial...then I suppose you won't like me telling you that you're practically crapping on MLK's grave, and using his "I have a dream" speech as your respective toilet paper. You're a disgrace, and I this week I'm going kick your ass for every single black person that actually acts as a human being instead of the "nigga". Also I loathe how you are a disgrace to FIW. FIW is supposed to the World's premiere wrestling company, yet here you are. You look and act like you belong in Snoop Dogg's latest music video, not in the ring. There's nothing about you that makes you a wrestler. You learnt a few gymnastics from your ghetto life, somehow, and came across some weights so that you can stumble across the ring in a flipping format, and land on top of the person long enough for the bell to ring. This is not what we want in our company, and thankfully I will be there this week to embariss you. I'm not saying it's going to be your last match...although I'm hoping that because of this match it will lead to a long line of matches where your lack of skills become painfully obvious to the management until they have to let you go. And the beauty of it all? It's going to be a dark match so it won't even be a gracious fall. Now I hate promos where the person just goes "I'm going to kick your arse", "I'm going to put you through hell", "Your mamas so fat, Moby Dick turned her down for prom date", I mean those are the kind of promos you make. However, I do truely believe it is my right...no, my duty to inform you and everyone that I will be making you look so inept in the ring, they gunna be begging Dragon to give you lessons. So to recap, your racist portrayal make's me want to tell you to fuck a bucket of fried chicken, I want to make sure that you're living out of a box int he next month so that you know what it's like for people actually from the ghetto, and I truely am no good a proper smacktalk. The video cuts back to the news studio. Yeah, sorry if you forgot, but this promo was originally a news programme parody. Colbert: Well you can see there just how people view Shaun Wilson and what his gimmick is doing for the company. General: Truely I hope that he chokes on his own chains. Colbert: Mr. T would be ashamed, that's for sure. Anyway, we'll see you again after this commercial. Camera fades out. |
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| Mike "Ace" Rimmer | Mar 28 2008, 01:17 AM Post #6 |
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[align=center]HEY YOU! ARE YOU HUNGRY?! THEN WHY NOT TRY COLONEL WILSON'S FRIED CHICKEN! HIS FRIED CHICKEN'S PERFECT FOR ANY ASPIRING "AFRICAN AMERICAN", AND EVEN A CRACKER OR TWO! BUT WE DON'T WANT TOO MANY OF THEM IN OUR JOINT, THEY STINK THE PLACE OUT! TRY THE NEW KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN TWIZZLER! YES WE CAME UP WITH IT OURSELVES! TRY THE K.F.C.T BEFORE YOU GET K.T.F.O! COME TO W.F.C. TODAY AND GET A FREE TOY WITH EVERY MEAL! WILL IT BE A TOY GUN?! WILL IT BE FAKE BLING?! WILL IT BE A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE WITH AIDS ON IT?! WHO KNOWS! IMPRESS YOUR HOMEBOIS AND HOES BY COLLECTING ALL 6! COME TO W.F.C. TODAY! BECAUSE AS THE COLONEL SAYS "I DON'T MEAN TO BE STEREOTYPIN', BUT EVERY NIGGA NEEDS CHICKEN!"[/align] |
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| Mike "Ace" Rimmer | Mar 29 2008, 01:42 AM Post #7 |
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Camera comes back into the news studio, where the General sits behind the desk while Colbert is....well missing. General: Welcome back from the break. Appologies to any that took offense from that commercial, but let's face it...most of the people who watch this are American, and they invented Jim Crow laws. So don't be hypocrites. Anyway, we now go to the sport report, and at the top of all headlines is how two friends are pitched against eachother this week at Anarchy in the UK. Yes, I'm sure you all know that I'm talking about none other than Ash Koopa vs. Colbert Tottington (and 5 other guys). These two allies are both parts of the team The Rejects, but do we know much else about them? What is their relationship? Our very own reporter, and one part of the news story itself, Colbert Tottington is here to tell us exactly what his relationship is with Ash Koopa. The camera pans across to see Colbert Tottington standing in front of the "news wall". On the wall behind him is a picture of Ash Koopa himself. Colbert: Ash Koopa. The Koopamaniac. CrAsh Bandikoop. He goes by many names, but I only know him as one. Friend. Or pal. Or buddy. Or cowboy. But I digress. I'm here to tell you my own views on the man that is not afraid to say "I have a beard but I'm not a paedo". Behind him on the news wall comes up the word Talented. Colbert: Ash Koopa is talented. I'm not one to say that about one of my opponents, but when your opponent is Ash, you have to admit it. They don't let just anybody into the Rejects, I mean look at me. The man is a very talented individual and it's a shame that the man will not be able to challenge for the UIC title until I've won it. Haha I tease...I wouldn't rub it in. Next comes up the word Impressive. Colbert: The man is impressive. He makes me sometimes wonder "How on Earth can someone be so impressive?". Then I look in the mirror and remember that we all are. The Rejects that is. Not Blake, Extreme Ninja or Shaun Wilson. Although in their own right they are impressive. Blake's impressive since the man has an impressive unawareness of what lower carders should do. He's brand new, he's lower card and yet he's churning out promos as if he's an independant writer hired in during yet another guild strike. What are you doing man? You're there to make us look good, get pinned when we lie on you, and then join in a tag team with the Big Purple Throbber. Stick to the routine. It works. Extreme Ninja's impressive since how the hell can the man do all those acrobatics in that leather? It must be like a walking bath in that costume. My sources tell me that beneath all that S&M gear he's actually not human, but transformed into some sort of prune person. Beware, for he will suck the moisture from out of you. And of course Shaun Wilson is impressive for being so ignorant. I mean I literally call him a disgrace to his heritage, and all the man can do is still talk about how he's going to kick my arse and how I'm going to lose and how I'm just jealous of him....I MEAN FOR CHRIST'S SAKE GROW SOME GODDAMN BOLLOCKS! COME UP WITH SOMETHING REAL AND TAKE A SHOT AT ME, NOT JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO! However, you clearly misunderstood me so let me quickly reiterate: I am no jealous of you at all, you are a piece of little shit, and no THAT time that was not a reference to your skin colour. I care so little about you that if I had the opportunity I would erase you from my memory just so I could learn something useless...like the Hindi language, because that would still be fare MORE interesting to me than you. However, I am pleased that I'll get to face you one last time before I move out of this middle card that you've weasled into, because at least then you'll know that you'll never be better than me, and all of your threats, with everything being emphasised with "fucking" because "on the streets" that's how they talk, will be more deflated than which ever "bitch" or "hoe" you get from a street corner when they find out it isn't true what they say about black guys. However, this is supposed to be about Ash...so let's move on. The next word on the screen is..."A Bright Future". Pretty sure that's more than one word... Colbert: Shut up, descriptive text. Ash Koopa is a man with a bright future, one who surely be holding a title belt in the very near future...most likely the Fighting Spirit, but if he gets his way, the UIC (we'll discuss this later). Although he may be old, he's still a very strong competitor, and I'm sure that he's going to be around for years to come, certainly winning many titles for the Rejects. Speaking of Bright Futures....Blake Orange....or as they say in France....*said with a mispronounciation of the "G* ORANGGGE. A promo at an airport...haven't seen one of THOSE before. And what was that about the General being a taxi driver? The man is an army general, he's never driven a cab. There is an uncomfortable cough heard from off camera...probably from "Mortimer". Colbert: Also I have to question that a man that doesn't like people making "assumptions", he was pretty quick to assume that my promo was simply comedy. You see, I mix comedy with wit, satire and degredation. Yes I know that these can be seen as just sub-genres of coemdy, but there's a level of intelligence needed to spot the subtle differences, and of course that cannot be spotted by a man that somehow famously, and by that I mean allegedly, fucked up being the chairman of one of the biggest finicial companies in the world. Then of course you go deep into me by saying that I'M the one that knows nothing and must've been living under a rock. You're a tough individual to work out Blake, I'll give you that. At one moment you're making stupid comments like the state of violence in British schools is lower than America, and then all of a sudden you're bribing cameramen with Michael Jackson videos. Well let me tell you Thriller won't save you now! Off camera, the General's voice can be heard. General: I told you that joke wouldn't work! Colbert: Fuck off, General! Anyway, yet again I have been sidetracked describing Ash Koopa. Back to Ash. Oh and speaking of Ash, nice to see you just talking about him for most of your promo, Blake. Why do you see him as the threat? Don't you know who I am? If you were really clever you'd focus your attention on me, because Ash is nothing compared to I...but also he's a very talented, impressive wrestler with a bright future. Unlike Extreme Ninja, who's next job will be serving Blake Orange his Chernobyl burgers while Shaun Wilson complains that the cracker ass clown's running him out of business.... Almost as if to stop Colbert from going on, the next words come up. "Glorious Beard". Colbert: Oh right yeah, the man has one hell of a glorious beard! That's some good face fungus right there! You don't have one, do you Blake? Probably saw enough of those in prison...hairy, were those men? Or did the steam in the showers stop you from seeing? Not that you can see much bending over...EN#2, you could have a beard, for all I know. No-one can fucking tell, what use are you? And of course Shaun can't grow one with being a carbon copy of B.A. Baracus. The man has to draw the line somewhere.... Next up comes the phrase "Take more shots at Blake and Shaun". Colbert: Yes, Ash takes impressive shots at Blake and Shaun. Wait, what? Oh right...Listen up, first paragraph's for Blake, next one for Shaun. If you're lazy and want to just know what I'm saying about you, skip to the correct one now: Okay Blake. What the hell do you think you're doing? Are you trying to make me angry? Do you know what happens when I get angry? I can't say I have the green effect and ripped clothing, but it's still not a pretty sight. Now if you think that I'm going to be impressed because "junior went to prison for being too lazy for paying taxes and now is coming to FIW" then forget about that right now. I'm not impressed by anything at all you've done. You clearly don't understand how I was trying to insult you by calling you a nobody in my first segment, instead believing that I simply "forgot" your over advertised arrival. If you seriously believe that everyone knows who you are because 20 years ago you went to prison for fraud, then forget about that as well. When you were being sent to prison I was at home trying to figure out what the darn a long divisional sum was. The only reason people knew who you were is because you actually believed people cared enough for you to tell us all that you were coming to FIW. You gave off all the fanfare of the arrival of Jesus himself, hence my promo saying how people were let down. But I'm not here to critique your critique of my critique. No, instead I'm here to tell you that you're in for a very harsh reality check if you actually believe that when you get into that ring on Sunday you'll be walking out the next UIC contender. Let me tell you you're going to be here for years before you even get a shot at Flycore, and that's if you're lucky. Now if there's one thing I hate more than people that think they're better than me, is newbies that think they're better than me. Your blissful ignorance will be cut so short, it'll feel like a circumcision, leaving your little head all exposed....to be crashed into the mat with a Change of the Guard. But look at me, I'm refering to my moves as if I'm Shaun Wilson. Which leads nicely into my next rant... Shauny Wilson. I remember you when you were "doing it for the crowds", like a Jay Bain...or a Dragon...or what Blake Orange should be doing. The little naive act is now lost in the tirade of slang and hippity hop language, where through the fucks and grammatical errors comes across the message that Shaun Wilson is even more confused than he claims me to be. I mean the man refers to be as a Middle Eastern Cat, yet the last time I remember I'm not a Persian Feline, and my hair still looks quite magnificent. You see Shaun, I'm going to explain to you why every sentence you speak is utter purile shit. You talk to me about how you beat me and how I'm your little bitch, well I'm sure it must make you feel mighty big to attack someone while they have medical problems and blackouts just so you can get yourself that bling to "prove" yourself. I mean, it worked for Hitler now didn't it? I suppose those blackouts during my match were not because of the medical reasons, but I was so unaware of you even still being a part of the country, my mind just simply...ignored your existance. But then again you did beat me...but I don't think people even remember it. I know for sure I don't. So next time you try to pull that card out, at least we'll have this Sunday for me to refer to as how when I'm actually aware of you being in a match, you get squashed. Now, next how you misunderstood what I said about you and MLK. You seem to believe that you're playing a whole different game, and I agree that Reverend Luther King was NOT a wrestler, but as soon as you use African American as part of your nickname, you are bringing in the legacy that he worked towards, and then to use it such a manner to promote yourself, THAT is why you are shitting on his grave. Not the strange translation you read into what I said. Oh, and let's be grown-ups here Shaun, I said you promote the "nigga" lifestyle, not calling you a "nigger". Don't be infantile about such pathetic shit as that. But at least you were smart enough to focus on me for your interview...not like Blake who still seems to think that the talented, impressive Ash Koopa with the Bright Future and a glorious beard is more deadly than me...HOW DARE YOU! Oh and Extreme Ninja, sorry I don't have time to commeny on what you say....well to be honest, I have all the time to comment on what you say, because there's nothing ever fucking said. But anyway, that concludes my report. Back to you, General. The camera swings back around to the General. The General obviously had lost interest long ago, as he leans back in the chair looking down at his stomache, where he's lifted his shirt and pokes around in his bellybutton for lint. He looks up, realises the camera's back on him, and quickly straightens himself out. General: Oh umm thank you Colbert. While you were away, we got some Breaking News. BREAKING NEWS~! General: Drake Love has been added to the match. Seeming as it's customary for Colbert to say at least a few words on every opponent, Colbert what do you have to say about Drake? Colbert comes back in camera and sits on the free chair behind the desk. Colbert: Sometimes I look into your bald head and see the future. General: Thank you Colbert. I've been Lord General Mortimer Igneous. Colbert: And I've been Sir Colbert Tottington. Goodnight. CAMERA FADES OUT FOR THE FINAL TIME! (Took long enough, aye?) |
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2:35 PM Jul 11