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How do you solve a problem like Malkit?!; Or Manik...what's his face...
Topic Started: Apr 19 2008, 01:03 AM (51 Views)
Mike "Ace" Rimmer
Unregistered

The camera fades up to reveal Colbert Tottington. I bet you weren't expecting him when you clicked the link to this thread! Well you're in for a lovely surprise because it's Mr. Tottington, once again standing in what can only be described has the natural habitat of Colbert. That's right, it's yet another boring bland blank hallway. Why does he always do promos from there? Can't he do one from a strip club or a curry house or something?! The guy's just boring. At least he's not sitting or standing this time mind. No, instead he's walking. He's wearing his normal suit which let's face us, looks sexy on him. He walks up to a door...but this door isn't just any backstage door....it has the number 27 on it. And a peep whole. And a handle with a key card slot, and that little thing on the door that says "Do Not Disturb". Colbert takes one look at the sign, shakes his head and takes a big knock. He waits, but no-one replies. He gets a bit tired of waiting, so knocks again, this time more vigorously. Eventually the door does open, and who else is it...than Lord General Mortimer Igneous. However, he's not wearing the usual attire. Instead he's wearing a pink dressing gown which much not end further than the tip of his penis, for if it were any higher, we'd see some manhood. On top of his head is a towel wrapped around his head. It has to be said though, an awful lot of hair covers his body...Whether it's the mass amount of hair, or the fact he thinks he just saw the General's musket...Colbert recoils in horror.

General: What?

Colbert: Nothing...who’s dressing gown is that?

General: My moth…yes.

Colbert: Your moth?

General: Yes. My moth.

Colbert: For fu…listen, I’m struggling on how to prepare for Malkit.

General: Manik.

Colbert: Too right you are. Now listen, I have no idea on what to do apart from the freak that somehow considers himself worthy of being…my friend.

General: Well…I was watching a film last night, and I found that the best way to find answers for the future…is to look back.

Colbert: Really? What film was that?

General: …Deep Impact.

Colbert: What?!

General: …sorry Colbert, I couldn’t think of a film when writing this.

Colbert: Jesus General, you could’ve said anything and it could’ve made sense. The Bourne Identity…Donnie Darko…hell even the Harry Potter films!

General: Well they didn’t come to mind at the time…

Colbert: For Christ’s sake…let’s just keep going.

General: Fine umm…let me find my place…oh yeah. Well Colbert, I think that the best idea is to look at how we handled problems in the past and approach this one in the same manner.

Colbert: Might work.

General: Come on in.

Colbert: …why?

General: We can watch some old promos on my laptop.

Colbert: Can you put some trousers on first?

General: I can’t promise I will…but I can promise I’ll try.

With the General’s word that he’ll attempt something to cover up his hairy pins, Colbert enters the room and shuts the door behind him, to which the camera fades out. On the black screen comes up the phrase:

[align=center]THE RANDOM APPROACH
First seen in “The Bitey Moose” on 28th July 2007
[/align]

The camera fades in onto Colbert Tottington, who is apparently at this moment of time is wearing a poncho and a cowboy hat. He stands in front of what appear to be green rabbit hutches. He walks along, one by one taking out the bottle attached to the front of the cages. Once one is removed, he removes the lid, and pours a purple liquid from a can of….VIMTO. Is that part of a rabbit’s diet? He certainly doesn’t seem to care as he reattaches the lid and puts the bottle back on. After about three bottles, the General walks in, sporting an unconvincing moustache. He takes a seat on top of one of the hutches.

Colbert: What are you doing? That’s George’s hutch!

General: So? I’m depressed.

Colbert: He’ll set Ringo on you.

General: Didn’t you hear, I’m depressed?

Colbert: Mick the hamster started on John, Ringo messed him up. You do not want to go on the wrong side of Ringo.

General: Stop talking about Ringo! Listen, I’m depressed. I was planning on making my move on Jayne today…

Colbert: Who? Jayne Bain?

General: Yeah…

Colbert: Why her? She sounds like some sort of 70s action doll.

General: That’s not the point!

Colbert: She turn you down?

General: Worse…she’s found someone else.

Colbert: Who?

General: I don’t know. Some guy called Malkit.

Colbert: Right. Well what do we know about him?

General: Nothing.

Colbert: Okay…well the best thing to do is to impress her more than Malkit can. Then we have him beaten.

General: Beat.

Colbert: What?

General: We can have him beat.

Colbert: We could, but we don’t know what he looks like. How could we tell the thugs who to look for?

General: What?

Colbert: Listen, let’s just talk about things that we’re good at.

General: Where’s this” we’re” coming from?

Colbert: Hey you never know who you can pull.

General: NOT JAYNE!

Colbert: Of course not. Too much hair…right what are you good at?

General: I invented a machine that not only toasts toast…but muffins, crumpets, pretty much anything you can slide into the holders.

Colbert: …a toaster?

General: Have you been looking at my blueprints?

Colbert: Let’s try something else.

General: Well what can you do?

Colbert: I can wear any hat…and look good.

General: Well that’s pointless!

Colbert: So is the EU, yet that's still put to use.

General: How…topical.

Colbert: General…

General: Yes?

Colbert: We’ve been doing this random approach for about 10 minutes now and all we’ve done is speak some pretty weak dialogue.

General: Yes…

Colbert: This approach clearly is not preparing us for Malkit.

General: Fine…back to the draw board.

Camera fades out. Then on the black screen comes this:

[align=center]THE CAMP APPROACH
First seen in “Britty the Vampire Slayer” on 29th August 2007[/align]


From there, the camera fades up. We are in a graveyard, with some lovely smoke effects. Standing amongst the gravestones stands the General in a glorious dress and blonde wig. That’s right, he’s dressed as Buffy the Vampire Slayer again. And, once again standing next to him is Colbert Tottington dressed as Spike, in leather jacket and blonde slicked back hair.

General: Jesus I thought we’d passed this one!

Colbert: This is the camp approach.

General: The last one wasn’t exactly a ball full of masculine.

Colbert: Listen, we did this one twice against Phyllis Bathory, so I figure it might work against Malkit.

General: Fine…just hate how it’s always me in a dress…

Colbert: You wrote this promo for the last time!

General: I can still seem peeved off.

Colbert: So what are we doing?

General: Same approach as the original promo. We talk to Lance Evers as an informer, then find a Malkit look alike and kill him.

Colbert: Great, let’s get going. Where’s Lance then?

General: Not sure, only hired him, didn't talk.

Colbert: Fair enough. I think he requested to be called Sevenlacer again. Says it reminds him of a happier time

General: Makes sense. Let's go.

The two walk across…not very far, to see Lance sitting on a gravestone, looking down depressed.

Colbert: Wow…this is going smoothly. Hey there, Sevenlacer.

Lance: Meh.

General: What’s wrong with him?

Colbert: He didn’t get hired.

Lance: I don’t get it! I did so much to get hired for this company. I mean I literally got down on my knees!

General: Ewww.

Colbert: He means begging.

Lance: No I don’t. I meant exactly what you were thinking. Figured if I did that, the boss would let me have a job.

Colbert: The boss?

Lance: Yeah. That Herman guy. But he left…

General: Herman Cardgage?

Lance: Yeah…

General: He was an interviewer…

Lance: Wait, he wasn’t the owner?

Colbert: Nope. Hey, wasn’t he around while you were still here?

Lance: *sigh* Probably…just my luck.

General: Sick…

Colbert: Hey, Lance, I don’t want to seem insensitive and all, but could you possibly just do what we gave you in that script?

Lance: What? Oh yeah sure.

Colbert: Great. Hey there, Sevenlacer.

Lance: Greetings. Nice to see you again, Britty.

General: Who? Oh right, me. Yeah hey there.

Colbert: Been up to much?

Lance: Nothing much. Devil’s been trying new things for me and him. Dogging, bondage, orgies. Hell, we even sat down and watched a dirty movie together.

General: One Night-mare in Paris?

Lance: Of course.

Colbert: Sweet. Hey, we need some info on this new guy, Malkit.

Lance: Manik?

Colbert: Nah I don't like spicy food. What can you tell us on him?

Lance: Nothing much on him to be honest. All I know really is that he's been attacking people recently, and has a desire to join some sort of violent group or cult...

General: Yeah that's our cult.

Lance: ...Right. So technically shouldn't you know more than I do?

Colbert: Don't get me started.

Lance: Well hey, he's over there in that dodgy looking crypt, worshiping some sort of ancient god called Ornykraig.

Colbert: Onikage.

Lance: No, I like my curry with some kick.

Colbert: There's a place on the corner called Ragees or something.

Lance: I'm there.

Lance suddenly gets up and runs off camera. Colbert shrugs.

General: This one's even worse than the Bitey Moose.

Colbert: Onward Christian soldiers.

Colbert and the General walk along a bit more and come across a crypt. That's right, this set is much small than the original...

General: Here's the place.

Just then, the door creaks open. Inside is filled with smoke and light. Colbert and the General shield their eyes.

Colbert: It's him! It's Malkit!

Suddenly a large outline appears in the smoke. He walks fowards and we finally see him. Well, when I say him...I mean Jeff Noon wearing a suit and a turban.

General: What...the...fuck.

Colbert: JEFF!

Jeff: What? You told me to be Malkit. I searched on the internet and came across www.malkitsingh.com!

General: Colbert, this is useless! There must be another way...

Colbert: Back to the drawing board...again...

The camera fades out again. Writing comes up on the screen.

[align=center]THE SPEECH APPROACH
First seen...since the start of time. On 28th of May 2007.
[/align]

We come back in on Colbert sitting at a table. Pure and simple. He looks straight into camera. Off camera we here the General.

General: Colbert, let's face it this is the plan we always come back to. Just give a long winded speech on Malkit.

Colbert: What do I say about him?

General: Just talk about...his promo and such.

Colbert: Okay...so Malkit. What. The. Fuck. No, I'm not naming the next Panic at the Disco album, I'm trying to comprehend who exactly you think you are. You've come out of nowhere, attacked a random man and then claim you are aligned to us? Listen, we have all admitted to be in the dark about this...so that must mean that you are just some sad person that saw us on TV and thought "Hey! I was rejected by people too!". Just because people doesn't like you, does not mean you are worthy of joining the Reject Ranks. But obviously logic does not form in your head as easily as some others, so let me just explain a little about why you will never be a Reject. I shall name each thing then tell you why. Firstly, the assumption that you can just join because you fancy Onikage. Listen, people earn their place here, and since you assumed that you can just join, that gives you a lifetime ban right there. Next is the stalking. You come into our dressing room and then start fingering your dirty paws through our stuff? Listen I've had enough of stalkers! I've got this fucker that's finally revealing himself next week on the 27th, I had Priest giving me dirty phone calls, the last thing I need is you going around our stuff. A man needs his privacy. Then of course is the obvious problems with...you. We have Drake. We have Vinj. We have Ash. We have had enough of the...unique people. You're fucked in the head and deserve to be in this company no more than the General deserved that "Sexiest Manager of the Month" award last year.

General: I won that fair and square!

Colbert: Listen up Malkit. I know nothing about you, so I can't explain anything else on what's wrong with you, but what I can do is make you a promise. I promise that this week you will discover what a true Reject is. I will stop your plans dead in their tracks, so you can go back into that cave and play Gollum all you want. That's all I have to say. Short and sweet.

General: Apart from this whole package is a long fucking promo...

Colbert: CUT CAMERA!

Camera cuts. Well, I had to...you heard him...
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