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Surrender Your Time Booty; Bandits of Time!
Topic Started: Oct 29 2011, 02:07 AM (30 Views)
Skell
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[ *  *  *  * ]
The scene opens up on a static shot of the sepia-toned Time Bandit's Logo.

Announcer: "The Following is a Maxime Rowley Internet Exclusive"

The scene swaps to the Internet Exclusive HQ, Max Rowley is standing next to the one and only Scotty.

Hijo: "Greetings crimestoppers and welcome to another irrationally irresponsible edition of the Maxime Rowley Internet Exclusive... to my left.."

Scotty: "Right..."

Hijo: "That's what I said... to my right... is the asymmetrical Scotty."

Scotty: "Howdy."

Hijo: "We have a great show tonight with lots of things to talk about... like why haven't I heard back from that Mexican movie studio... why do the leaves change color and what do they know?! "

Scotty: "huh?"

Hijo: "We'll also check in with that old timey pugilist, Archibald... and some other stuff potentially you know depending on time constraints and budgets... and such."

Scotty: "and if you get distracted by a shiny object for thirty minutes."

Hijo: "That only happened like 5 times!"

Scotty: "Right."

Hijo: "Anyway, before we go into all that I need to remind you that I and I alone am your host for this little adventure... THE Luchadore of the Ludicrous, the Eminence of Epithets and a Bandit of Time."

The Hijo takes a quick pause.

Hijo: "THE Quintessential Lucahdore of this or any other generation, the most self-proclaimed and critically acclaimed president of wrestling. The connsumate professional moral center of an industry... the one and only MISTER FIW, and hardest working man in all of entertainment... "El Hijo Del Awesome" Maxime "The Greatest" R.U. Rowley, Master of 1002 arm drags and don't forget to ask me about Loom."

Scotty: "Loom?"

Hijo: "Hmm?"

Scotty: "You said to ask you about loom."

Hijo: "I did no such thing."

Scotty: "But you did."

Hijo: "Liar."

Scotty: "do you want me to go to the tapes."

Hijo: "Why would I say anything about Loom... either the machine or the masterpiece of storytelling from Lucasfilm's Brian Moriarty? I mean really that doesn't make any sense."

Scotty: "I'm just saying what you said..."

Hijo: "Pfft... clearly it was social commentary and you wouldn't understand."

Scotty: "How?"

Hijo: "hmm?"

Scotty: "how the hell could that be social commentary."

Hijo: "I just said you wouldn't understand... let's just drop this."

Scotty: "fine."

Hijo: "Now, moving away from Monkey Island... this we-"

Scotty: "Monkey Island?"

Hijo: "Silence!"

Silence

Hijo: "ANYWAY, this week the greatest tag team that never lived get to take on the Blonde Outlaws... or the Sunshine Crew... or the Blonde...crew... whatever... in a semi-rematch from a few weeks ago where we were totally robbed..."

Scotty: "The greatest tag team that never lived?"

Hijo: "For more on this we are going to the ever popular professional segment of our show, Archibald's Talking Time... place... thing... guy..."

Max continues adding a few more qualifiers to that statement... but they go unheard as the scene flips around in an almost seamless transition. Seamless... that is except for the fact that as always seems to happen for everyone's favorite Old Timey Pugilist, the camera has gone all sepia-y. The scene is Archibald P. Leatherby sitting in front of a fireplace in a highback leather chair wearing his suit,top hat and monocle.

Archibald P. Leatherby: Salutations pugilist enthusiasts, I am Archibald P. Leatherby, and I have been permitted this juncture not to beat my gums in some sort of balled up dalliance nor is this some kind of bull session. Neigh, I am here to speak quite curtly about a subject that has been on my mind for two fortnights. You see myself, Mr. Rowley, and Ms. Madison, were setup to be in a pugilistic contest against the men we are facing off with this week and some other bird. I was lead to believe that these two considered themselves as big burly bimbos... but when the contest began these two rapscallions had the gall to besmirch the very gentlemanly sport of professional wrestling by acting in such a way that does not befit a proper gentleman.

Archibald adjusts his suit jacket, and monocle.

Archibald P. Leatherby: I am not saying this just because I did not come out the victor... had I lost and done so honorably I would not be vexed as I have shown in the past. But as a representative of the golden age of wrestling your caper has befouled my honor and the honor of each and every person that has laced up a pair of wrestling boots, and that is something that I can not allow such indignity to stand.

Archibald raises his voice and bangs the left armrest of his chair with his fist for emphasis

Archibald P. Leatherby: Which is why while you may not hold myself or my partner in the highest of standings. I still maintain my status as a bimbo so if you or your partner try to pull off another caper you should know that doing so will lead you only to a classic beat down.

Archibald balls his fist and holds it at the camera.

Archibald P. Leatherby: That is all I wish to say for now so until next time, have a bully day.

The scene flips back around...back to the Maxime Rowley Internet Exclusive HQ... in glorious color... if you didn't know any better you might think that the Archibald part was a recorded at a different time... and not happening at the same time as the rest of the show... but you would be a fool for thinking such things... a fool!

Hijo: "Well said Archibald well said..."

Scotty: "The hell are you talking about?"

Hijo: "You know... the words... "

Scotty: "right..."

Hijo: "I especially liked when he said things that used to mean other things but now don't."

Scotty: "uh huh..."

Hijo: "QUIT RUINING THE ILLUSION!"

Scotty: "I'm not doing anything..."

Hijo: "Sure you aren't... I'm on to you!"

Yep that Archibald thing definitely happened just now...

Hijo: "Anyway... being awesome is on the agenda, and stealing time... I guess.. what the hell is that a Time Bandit is supposed to do anyway?"

Scotty: "I don't know shouldn't you know these things... you came up with the name."

Hijo: "Actually I kinda re-purposed it... "

Scotty: "Yeah, but I assume you knew what it meant when you took it."

Hijo: "YOU KNEW WHAT IT MEANT!"

Scotty: "are you going to hock a new t-shirt this week or what?"

Hijo: "Nah... the test markets didn't like the T-shirt with Booty Stealing Action..."

Scotty: "Huh?"

Hijo: "You heard me!"

Scotty: "so your saying people didn't like their t-shirts to steal from them..."

Hijo: "who knew?"

Scotty: "Everyone."

Hijo: "Well now they do yeah... but I figured it was just an untapped market."

Scotty: "..."

Hijo: "Well I think that's enough of the LONGEST RUNNING WEEKLY EPISODIC PROGRAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET! For this week... so until Next Week when we are the longester running show... I have been Maxime Rowley, that man that talks weird is Scotty, and that dude with the hat is Archibald P. Leatherby... and I am awesome."

The scene fades back to teh sepia toned Time Bandit's logo... only now it's animated like a flag being blown in the wind.

Announcer: "The Maxime Rowley Internet Exclusive is made possible by viewers like you... so BUY THE DANG T-SHIRTS ALREADY!"

Fin
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