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My fantasy
Topic Started: Apr 25 2006, 05:34 PM (402 Views)
Rabies Baby
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This Is A Long Drive For Someone With Nothing To Think About
Okay. So I think I'm a bit of a fruitcake...But in a good way. To get things rolling I'll just say that I'm a wee bit obsessed with those damned British people. Ever since my father forced me to watch those horrible James Bond movies, I truly wished I could be British.

Let's quickly run through a few facts about the common British customs, events, and other odds and ends.

1. Have you looked at their fucking phone booths? Well, have you? Before we go into that, think of the closet pay phone by your house. What does it look like? Mostly it's just a phone rammed into the ground. Every movie that depicts modern day London they have these awesome actual phone booths. They're always red and they look like little phone mansions. I'm always embarrassed to use a pay phone here. For some reason I think it makes me look poor. In London though, I would use a pay phone with pride. It's almost like a status thing.

2. English bums sound more intelligent than your average American. I listen to the BBC on the way home from work. I got started listening to that station right around the time that SARS broke out in Europe. Dude, I kid you not, those British reports loved saying SARS. They always said it like SAAARRRS. Well, it's hard to reproduce in plain text, but man you could tell they fucking loved saying that shit. Anyway, I heard this interview with a homeless man living in Hampterpool or some crazy British town. The dude sounded like a fucking English professor. I get so used to hearing retarded American slang that I was blown away by this simple two minute interview with a homeless guy. In short, the British are super geniuses. Sure you never really hear about them doing too much with their intelligence. Like most of the scientific community comes from other parts of the world. My theory is that the British men are too busy using their super smarts to score with the ladies and the ladies are too busy being scored upon to worry themselves with science. Brilliant.

3. They fucking celebrate the burning of a man. But, as I've learned recently, they have a really cute rhyme that goes with it. See? Even when they celebrate something vile and disgusting they totally redeem themselves with cutie nursery rhymes.

4. I believe they invented the monocle.


5. They fucking got bombed for like 30 days straight during World War 2. I'm sure I'm a little off on that number, but damn. You can't even put a Wal-Mart in an American town without people going apeshit. They're some tough sons of bitches.

It's almost 1:30 so I'll stop there. Anyway, on to this fantasy.

Okay, so I've done this thing ever since I was a little kid. It's crazy, weird, and probably unhealthy.

Just about every night before I go to bed I day dream about having this old British dude as my friend. It's nothing perverse or odd. It's nothing like that. Anyway, he's this older, stuffy shirt British man. He lives in this big house with nobody but his butler. He's always sitting in this big chair with his legs crossed like a woman does. Mind you that crossing his legs does not make him look feminine in the least. Crossing his legs in such a fashion looks distinguished. This is something that most men couldn't pull off. So we sit down and drink tea and eat scones. We talk about football and cricket. We talk about my latest endeavors and he advises me on the proper British actions that should be taken. We mock the royalty in hushed tones. And that's pretty much it.


So, it's weird, right? I should seek help. Grown adults don't do this. Please keep in mind that it's something I started as a kid, and it's now something I use to assist me so I can fall asleep. It's almost as if my British dude is just a part of my brain that helps me go over the day and sort things out.
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Rabies Baby
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I know, I know.


Too long;didn't read
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Paulus2
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LOL postwhore
Quote:
 
1. Have you looked at their fucking phone booths?  Well, have you?  Before we go into that, think of the closet pay phone by your house.  What does it look like?  Mostly it's just a phone rammed into the ground.  Every movie that depicts modern day London they have these awesome actual phone booths.  They're always red and they look like little phone mansions.  I'm always embarrassed to use a pay phone here.  For some reason I think it makes me look poor.  In London though, I would use a pay phone with pride.  It's almost like a status thing.

In actuality, The phone boxes here aren't like that. Sorry to kill your visions. Most of the phone boxes in my area have had the glass kicked in and are full of prostitute lines and graffiti.

Quote:
 
English bums sound more intelligent than your average American.

Can't argue with fact. You guys really do sound dumb. Also I prefer saying bird flu to SARS.



Quote:
 
3.  They fucking celebrate the burning of a man.  But, as I've learned recently, they have a really cute rhyme that goes with it.  See?  Even when they celebrate something vile and disgusting they totally redeem themselves with cutie nursery rhymes.

Ring a ring of roses
A pocket full of posies
Atishoo atishoo we all fall down
ashes in the water, ashes in the sea
we all get up with a one two three

^ The above childrens rhyme is actually about the plague.

Quote:
 
4.  I believe they invented the monocle.

That was never proven

Quote:
 
5.  They fucking got bombed for like 30 days straight during World War 2.  I'm sure I'm a little off on that number, but damn.  You can't even put a Wal-Mart in an American town with out people going apeshit.  They're some tough sons of bitches.

True but old people use that excuse far too often. They think we owe them every little damn thing.

Quote:
 
Just about every night before I go to bed I day dream about having this old British dude as my friend.  It's nothing perverse or odd.  It's nothing like that.  Anyway, he's this older, stuffy shirt British man.  He lives in this big house with nobody but his butler.  He's always sitting in this big chair with his legs crossed like a woman does.  Mind you that crossing his legs does not make him look feminine in the least.  Crossing his legs in such a fashion looks distinguished.  This is something that most men couldn't pull off.  So we sit down and drink tea and eat scones.  We talk about football and cricket.  We talk about my latest endeavors and he advises me on the proper British actions that should be taken.  We mock the royalty in hushed tones.  And that's pretty much it.


As a British guy who may one day be old, this disturbs me more than a little.

More importantly I'm not aware people even keep butlers. And we don't mock the royalty in hushed tones, we call them out as the waste of space they are.
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Rabies Baby
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This Is A Long Drive For Someone With Nothing To Think About
Fuck fuck fuck.


I totally forgot to add my "Paulus may not post in this thread" disclaimer.
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Eraser
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This fantasy...

It explains why you like Paul so much.
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Rabies Baby
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I doubt it. My old guy is old school british.
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73h |_|53r|\
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4|\|0|\|\_/|\/|
My grandfather is British. He used to live in the London slums, would tell me stories about how he would break into peoples house. Got caught one day, and made a deal so he would go to the navy instead of jail. Then he ended up the U.S.A. somehow. Anyway, he is so cool. He shouts bloody all the time and its freakin hilarious. Sometimes he throws a bleetin in there too. :lol:
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Paulus2
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LOL postwhore
I say bloody a lot. I don't type it but it crops up every time I open my mouth
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Rabies Baby
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Your grandfather must be Irish. Everyone knows that British people would never dream of stealing from another human being. It's part of their code of conduct which they follow very strictly.
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Rabies Baby
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This Is A Long Drive For Someone With Nothing To Think About
Paulus2
Apr 25 2006, 09:28 PM
I say bloody a lot. I don't type it but it crops up every time I open my mouth

Someone told me that bloody is considered a swear word.
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Paulus2
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LOL postwhore
It is techincally, but it's only as much so as damn or hell.
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By George
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Unapologetic bum
I've got myself an affinity with the Brits, although, it has a hell of a lot more to do with the music scene :ph43r:
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Asazel2
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The Fallen
Brits are ok.
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Ad134
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Who ya gonna kill? KENNY!!!
I should hope so! I'm one.
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Rabies Baby
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This Is A Long Drive For Someone With Nothing To Think About
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