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| CHUCK NORRIS!!; READ!! IS FUNNY!! | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Feb 1 2006, 04:36 AM (176 Views) | |
| PynkPandah | Feb 1 2006, 04:36 AM Post #1 |
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We are creatures of shoelace, lost in Purple. The Koala knows.
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CHUCK NORRIS REAL LIFE FACTS: 1. Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. 3. Chuck Norris does not sleep – he waits. 4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 5. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 6. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, chuck met all 3 bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 7. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "how dare you rhyme in the presence of Chuck Norris!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriends bloody throat in his hand he bellowed "don't f*ck with the Chuck!" Two years and 5 months later, he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that everyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. 8. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 ounce steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 of those minutes having sex with the waitress. 9. To prove it isn't that big a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing his muscles for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. 10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 11. Chuck Norris was the Fourth Wise Man. He brought the baby Jesus the gift of "beard"; Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the bible. Shortly thereafter, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 12. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax simply by pointing at her and saying "booya." 13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. 14. There are no disabled people; only people who have angered Chuck Norris. 15. Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares them down until he gets the information that he needs. 16. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did. 17. Chuck Norris won Jumanji without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living crap out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited. 18. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking it's neck, to remind the crew once more that the Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. 19. Chuck Norris shot down a German plane in world war two by pointing his finger at it and saying "bang." 20. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't find the courage to tell him. 21. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse.... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. 22. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more humane. 23. Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. 24. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginners karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids. 25. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist. 26. Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" at his food, and out of fear, it instantly catches fire. 27. One day, Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "no one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day. 28. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is of course to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors that he fights. 29. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out fully solved. 30. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said "don't worry about it honey" and went into his backyard. He came back 5 minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said "Never question Chuck Norris." 31. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face. 32. If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris. 33. On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over. 34. Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father. 35. Chuck Norris wipes his a$$ with steel wool. 36. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force in Star Wars: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris. 37. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris. 38. Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact. 39. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability. 40. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's. 41. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. 42. A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why, he will simply stare at you grimly. 43. Chuck Norris ejaculates nails, inadvertently inventing the pop culture phrase 'so, did you nail her?' 44. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. 45. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany. 46. Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying. 47. Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water. 48. Chuck Norris does not send e-mail, instead communicating in a variety of Morse-Code style roundhouse kicks. 49. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Ever. 50. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter. 51. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it 52. In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in Total Recall. 53. Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food. 54. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space, you know who would win? Chuck Norris 55. Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility. 56. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot. 57. In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed. 58. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno. 59. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your a$$, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. 60. Chuck Norris invented water. 61. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. 62. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. 63. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King…and got it. 64. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. 65. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way. 66. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and preceded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and crap on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. 67. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face. 68. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker: Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day. 69. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves you. 70. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property. 71. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. 72. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten. 73. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people 74. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. 75. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 76. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. 77. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. 78. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill. 79. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead. 80. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. 81. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. 82. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt. 83. When a tsunami happens, it's because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean. 84. Chuck Norris poops light sabers. 85. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. 86. When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits. 87. Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel. 88. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out so HE gets the pleasure. 89. How many Chuck Norris does it take to screw in a light bulb…there is no answer. Chuck Norris doesn't need light – light needs Chuck Norris. 90. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice. 91. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. 92. Chuck Norris does not go hunting. The word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 93. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a "Fricking" Indian. 94. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. 95. Chuck Norris does not have a heart. He has an engine. 96. Contrary to popular belief, Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, and Heart can actually combine. However, it is not Captain Planet that materializes out of thin air to stop ecological disasters from destroying our fragile planet, it's Chuck Norris dressed in full jungle camouflage with an Uzi and a flamethrower. 97. Chuck Norris pees sitting down. This is because Chuck is so well-endowed he has to throw his penis over his shoulder and urinate behind his own a$$. 98. Chuck Norris once ate an entire live crocodile, then punched Steve Irwin in the face for being such a pussy. 99. Chuck Norris' beard is wanted in seven states for murder. 100. Chuck Norris does not know how to swim. He once said to the water, "Get the "!#*@" out of my way!", but it didn't move, so he roundhouse-kicked it in the face, thus causing the South-Asian Tsunami. A similar incident involving Chuck and a megaphone caused Hurricane Katrina. 101. Chuck Norris was once asked, "Who let the dogs out?" He paused for a moment and then calmly stated, "Go "!#*@" yourself." 102. Chuck Norris once inhaled a seagull. 103. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. 104. Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond. 105. Chuck Norris doesn't change the channels on his T.V. He flexes at the T.V. until it does what he wants. 106. Not to be outdone by the popularity of Marky Mark's third nipple, Chuck Norris willed into creation a magical teat located just to the right of his belly button that generates a stream of crude oil whenever Chuck hears the song "Good Vibrations". 107. Chuck Norris can weld titanium with his urine. 108. Chuck Norris ejaculates shotgun shells. This is the reason why 5 prostitutes have been found D.O.A. with their face blown off in Texas. 109. Chuck Norris is the only man alive to play an H note on guitar. 110. Chuck Norris once fought Paul Bunyan after Paul said that his beard was the greatest. Chuck preceded to roundhouse kick him in the throat and ate Babe the blue ox... alive. 111. Before Chuck Norris, it used to take the Earth 365 days to revolve around the sun. Then in the fall of 1976, Chuck Norris performed a roundhouse kick so powerful, the shockwave caused the Earth to slow and since then it now takes the Earth 365 and 1/4 days to revolve around the sun. Chuck Norris is the reason we recognize leap years. 112. Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon. 113. Chuck Norris is the only man to never use an eraser. 114. Chuck Norris once boned the Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles. 115. Chuck Norris' left testicle is composed of teriyaki style beef jerky. And wouldn't you know it... he's seen these!! http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx |
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<center>•*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Crystal Gale – Crying in the Rain ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• I'll never let you see, The way my broken heart is hurting me, I've got my pride and I know how to hide, All the sorrow and pain, I'll do my crying in the rain, If I wait for cloudy skies, You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes, You'll never know that I still love you, So though the heartache remains, I'll do my crying in the rain. Raindrops falling from heaven, Will never wash away my misery, But since we're not together, I'll wait for stormy weather, To hide these tears I hope you'll never see, Someday when my crying’s done, I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun, I may be a fool, But till then, darling, you'll never see me complain, I'll do my crying in the rain. •*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Avril Lavigne – When You’re Gone ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• I always needed time on my own, I never thought I'd need you there when I cry, And the days feel like years when I'm alone, When you're gone, The pieces of my heart are missing you, When you're gone, The face I came to know is missing too, When you're gone, All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day, And make it OK, I miss you. I've never felt this way before, Everything that I do, Reminds me of you, I love the things that you do. When you walk away, I count the steps that you take, Do you see how much I need you right now? We were made for each other, All I ever wanted was for you to know, Everything I do I give my heart and soul, I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me. •*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Shelle H. Mollomini ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• •*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Mother of Jack ஐ Student of Life ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• •*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Nerd Extraordinaire ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• •*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Proud member of the Church of Amy ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• •*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Proud member of the Church of Gaming ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• <href="http://www.pickle-green.com/egraphics/main.php?id=eggs" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.boomspeed.com/egraphics/kju32.gif" border="0" title="Adopt one today!"></a></center> | |
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| n3rd qu33n | Feb 1 2006, 11:02 AM Post #2 |
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Why's the rum always gone?
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ROFLMAO! I just LOVEs those... hehe ...But I'm kind of let down with his response... He used it as an excuse to plug his books... if somedone did that for me, I'd freakin' quote them and say how great they were o.O lol |
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<center>~*Seven Deadly Sins ~ Flogging Molly*~ So the years rolled by and several died and left us somewhat reelin’. Johnny strummed his tommy gun, left blastin’ through the ceiling. So what became of the rebels, who sang for you and me? Grapplin’ with their demons in the search of liberty. Suffers who suffer all can swim upon the desert, where Avarice have ravaged all, in spite of good intentions. Don’t fill your mouth with Gluttony, for Pride will surely swell, but nothing’s unforgiven in the four corners of Hell. Envy and its evil twin, it crept in bed with slander. Idiots, they gave advice, but Sloth it gave no answer. Anger kills the human soul with bitter tales of Lust, while Pavlov’s Dogs keep chewin’ on the legs they never trust. But it’s the only life we know, blagards to the bone. So don’t wreck yourself, take an honest grip, for there’s more tales beyond the shore. Sail away where no ball and chain can keep us from the roarin’ waves, together undivided but forever we’ll be free. So sail away aboard our rig, the moon is full and so are we, we’re Seven Drunken Pirates, we’re the Seven Deadly Sins. ~*~*~ ~*Pink Punk Pirate*~ Proud Satanist, an Artist A Writer, a Nutcase Your Head Nurse This is Captain Pinkeh, he’s my First Mate
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| PynkPandah | Feb 2 2006, 02:36 AM Post #3 |
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We are creatures of shoelace, lost in Purple. The Koala knows.
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I love them too, they are so funny!! Yah i noticed that, he seemed more intent on pugging this book than anything else!! lol still funny though
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<center>•*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Crystal Gale – Crying in the Rain ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• I'll never let you see, The way my broken heart is hurting me, I've got my pride and I know how to hide, All the sorrow and pain, I'll do my crying in the rain, If I wait for cloudy skies, You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes, You'll never know that I still love you, So though the heartache remains, I'll do my crying in the rain. Raindrops falling from heaven, Will never wash away my misery, But since we're not together, I'll wait for stormy weather, To hide these tears I hope you'll never see, Someday when my crying’s done, I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun, I may be a fool, But till then, darling, you'll never see me complain, I'll do my crying in the rain. •*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Avril Lavigne – When You’re Gone ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• I always needed time on my own, I never thought I'd need you there when I cry, And the days feel like years when I'm alone, When you're gone, The pieces of my heart are missing you, When you're gone, The face I came to know is missing too, When you're gone, All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day, And make it OK, I miss you. I've never felt this way before, Everything that I do, Reminds me of you, I love the things that you do. When you walk away, I count the steps that you take, Do you see how much I need you right now? We were made for each other, All I ever wanted was for you to know, Everything I do I give my heart and soul, I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me. •*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Shelle H. Mollomini ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• •*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Mother of Jack ஐ Student of Life ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• •*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Nerd Extraordinaire ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• •*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Proud member of the Church of Amy ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• •*´¨`*•.¸¸.ஐ Proud member of the Church of Gaming ஐ.¸¸.•*´¨`*• <href="http://www.pickle-green.com/egraphics/main.php?id=eggs" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.boomspeed.com/egraphics/kju32.gif" border="0" title="Adopt one today!"></a></center> | |
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| RamenSensei | Feb 3 2006, 03:21 PM Post #4 |
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Bow to your sensei! :o
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XD He plugged his book!? Those are just too cool though. |
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<FONT FACE="Arial"> Bow to your sensei... m(_._)m o(o_-) O </font> <FONT FACE="Webdings"> ß</font>Abbey Minion army [size0](in the works XD): ![]() ![]() ![]() [size0]Minion Army Agenda: [size0] 1. Steal corndogs 2. World Domination 3. Eat corndogs | |
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1:48 AM Jul 11