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CHUCK NORRIS!!; READ!! IS FUNNY!!
Topic Started: Feb 1 2006, 04:36 AM (176 Views)
PynkPandah
Member Avatar
We are creatures of shoelace, lost in Purple. The Koala knows.
IR Asylum Head Nurses
CHUCK NORRIS REAL LIFE FACTS:
1. Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep – he waits.
4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
5. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
6. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, chuck met all 3 bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
7. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood could a woodchuck
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "how dare you rhyme
in the presence of Chuck Norris!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriends bloody throat in his hand he bellowed "don't f*ck with the
Chuck!" Two years and 5 months later, he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that everyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.
8. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 ounce steaks in an hour. He spent the
first 45 of those minutes having sex with the waitress.
9. To prove it isn't that big a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of
cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing his muscles for 30
minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
11. Chuck Norris was the Fourth Wise Man. He brought the baby Jesus the
gift of "beard"; Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other wise
men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the bible. Shortly thereafter, all
three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
12. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax simply by pointing at her and
saying "booya."
13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
14. There are no disabled people; only people who have angered Chuck
Norris.
15. Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares them down until he
gets the information that he needs.
16. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.
17. Chuck Norris won Jumanji without ever saying the word. He simply beat
the living crap out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game
forfeited.
18. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking it's neck, to remind
the crew once more that the Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh
away.
19. Chuck Norris shot down a German plane in world war two by pointing his
finger at it and saying "bang."
20. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't find the
courage to tell him.
21. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse.... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris.
22. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more humane.
23. Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only
thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
24. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginners karate classes, just so
he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.
25. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
26. Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he
simply shouts "BAKE" at his food, and out of fear, it instantly catches
fire.
27. One day, Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "no one outstares
Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
28. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is of course to
limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate
of the actors that he fights.
29. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out fully solved.
30. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said
"don't worry about it honey" and went into his backyard. He came back 5
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said "Never question Chuck Norris."
31. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the
director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,"
and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
32. If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the
same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
33. On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
34. Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
35. Chuck Norris wipes his a$$ with steel wool.
36. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force in Star
Wars: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
37. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest
substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick
to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists
turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
38. Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby
out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
39. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for
super strength roundhouse ability.
40. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it
was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
41. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
42. A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for
this phenomenon. When asked why, he will simply stare at you grimly.
43. Chuck Norris ejaculates nails, inadvertently inventing the pop culture
phrase 'so, did you nail her?'
44. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer
space by the naked eye.
45. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
46. Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
47. Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting
with water.
48. Chuck Norris does not send e-mail, instead communicating in a variety
of Morse-Code style roundhouse kicks.
49. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Ever.
50. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
51. We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake
before they could tell him there was a stripper in it
52. In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his
most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in
Total Recall.
53. Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
54. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space, you know
who would win? Chuck Norris
55. Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
56. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out
transformed into a robot.
57. In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
58. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him
win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get
out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green
number 4 card from the game Uno.
59. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and
roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your a$$, don't be
offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
60. Chuck Norris invented water.
61. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time and killed Amelia Earhart while she
was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
62. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
63. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King…and got it.
64. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on
his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
65. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
66. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and preceded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and crap on their
floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
67. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who
just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris
calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks
them in the face.
68. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker: Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face
that day.
69. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still
alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves you.
70. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
71. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
allows to live.
72. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in
the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
73. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
74. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could
use to kill you, including the room itself.
75. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.
76. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
77. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
78. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
79. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The
water gets Chuck Norris instead.
80. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
81. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
82. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
83. When a tsunami happens, it's because Chuck Norris has been swimming
laps in the ocean.
84. Chuck Norris poops light sabers.
85. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with
Chuck Norris.
86. When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad
for them Chuck Norris never vomits.
87. Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.
88. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out so HE gets the pleasure.
89. How many Chuck Norris does it take to screw in a light bulb…there is no
answer. Chuck Norris doesn't need light – light needs Chuck Norris.
90. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
91. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually
roundhouse kick you yesterday.
92. Chuck Norris does not go hunting. The word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
93. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a "Fricking" Indian.
94. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away
in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972
Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional
football history.
95. Chuck Norris does not have a heart. He has an engine.
96. Contrary to popular belief, Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, and Heart can
actually combine. However, it is not Captain Planet that materializes out
of thin air to stop ecological disasters from destroying our fragile
planet, it's Chuck Norris dressed in full jungle camouflage with an Uzi and
a flamethrower.
97. Chuck Norris pees sitting down. This is because Chuck is so
well-endowed he has to throw his penis over his shoulder and urinate behind
his own a$$.
98. Chuck Norris once ate an entire live crocodile, then punched Steve
Irwin in the face for being such a pussy.
99. Chuck Norris' beard is wanted in seven states for murder.
100. Chuck Norris does not know how to swim. He once said to the water,
"Get the "!#*@" out of my way!", but it didn't move, so he
roundhouse-kicked it in the face, thus causing the South-Asian Tsunami. A
similar incident involving Chuck and a megaphone caused Hurricane Katrina.
101. Chuck Norris was once asked, "Who let the dogs out?" He paused for a
moment and then calmly stated, "Go "!#*@" yourself."
102. Chuck Norris once inhaled a seagull.
103. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's
atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000
degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still
owes him a beer.
104. Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.
105. Chuck Norris doesn't change the channels on his T.V. He flexes at the
T.V. until it does what he wants.
106. Not to be outdone by the popularity of Marky Mark's third nipple,
Chuck Norris willed into creation a magical teat located just to the right
of his belly button that generates a stream of crude oil whenever Chuck
hears the song "Good Vibrations".
107. Chuck Norris can weld titanium with his urine.
108. Chuck Norris ejaculates shotgun shells. This is the reason why 5
prostitutes have been found D.O.A. with their face blown off in Texas.
109. Chuck Norris is the only man alive to play an H note on guitar.
110. Chuck Norris once fought Paul Bunyan after Paul said that his beard
was the greatest. Chuck preceded to roundhouse kick him in the throat and
ate Babe the blue ox... alive.
111. Before Chuck Norris, it used to take the Earth 365 days to revolve
around the sun. Then in the fall of 1976, Chuck Norris performed a
roundhouse kick so powerful, the shockwave caused the Earth to slow and
since then it now takes the Earth 365 and 1/4 days to revolve around the
sun. Chuck Norris is the reason we recognize leap years.
112. Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died
because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris
tendon.
113. Chuck Norris is the only man to never use an eraser.
114. Chuck Norris once boned the Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles.
115. Chuck Norris' left testicle is composed of teriyaki style beef jerky.


And wouldn't you know it... he's seen these!!

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx
<center>•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Crystal Gale – Crying in the Rain .¸¸.•*´¨`*•
I'll never let you see, The way my broken heart is hurting me, I've got my pride and I know how to hide, All the sorrow and pain, I'll do my crying in the rain, If I wait for cloudy skies, You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes, You'll never know that I still love you, So though the heartache remains, I'll do my crying in the rain. Raindrops falling from heaven, Will never wash away my misery, But since we're not together, I'll wait for stormy weather, To hide these tears I hope you'll never see, Someday when my crying’s done, I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun, I may be a fool, But till then, darling, you'll never see me complain, I'll do my crying in the rain.
•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Avril Lavigne – When You’re Gone .¸¸.•*´¨`*•
I always needed time on my own, I never thought I'd need you there when I cry, And the days feel like years when I'm alone, When you're gone, The pieces of my heart are missing you, When you're gone, The face I came to know is missing too, When you're gone, All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day, And make it OK, I miss you. I've never felt this way before, Everything that I do, Reminds me of you, I love the things that you do. When you walk away, I count the steps that you take, Do you see how much I need you right now? We were made for each other, All I ever wanted was for you to know, Everything I do I give my heart and soul, I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me.
•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Shelle H. Mollomini .¸¸.•*´¨`*•
•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Mother of Jack Student of Life .¸¸.•*´¨`*•
•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Nerd Extraordinaire .¸¸.•*´¨`*•
•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Proud member of the Church of Amy .¸¸.•*´¨`*•
•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Proud member of the Church of Gaming .¸¸.•*´¨`*•

<href="http://www.pickle-green.com/egraphics/main.php?id=eggs" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.boomspeed.com/egraphics/kju32.gif" border="0" title="Adopt one today!"></a></center>
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n3rd qu33n
Member Avatar
Why's the rum always gone?
IR Asylum Head Nurses
ROFLMAO! I just LOVEs those... hehe

...But I'm kind of let down with his response... He used it as an excuse to plug his books... if somedone did that for me, I'd freakin' quote them and say how great they were o.O lol
<center>~*Seven Deadly Sins ~ Flogging Molly*~
So the years rolled by and several died and left us somewhat reelin’. Johnny strummed his tommy gun, left blastin’ through the ceiling. So what became of the rebels, who sang for you and me? Grapplin’ with their demons in the search of liberty. Suffers who suffer all can swim upon the desert, where Avarice have ravaged all, in spite of good intentions. Don’t fill your mouth with Gluttony, for Pride will surely swell, but nothing’s unforgiven in the four corners of Hell. Envy and its evil twin, it crept in bed with slander. Idiots, they gave advice, but Sloth it gave no answer. Anger kills the human soul with bitter tales of Lust, while Pavlov’s Dogs keep chewin’ on the legs they never trust. But it’s the only life we know, blagards to the bone. So don’t wreck yourself, take an honest grip, for there’s more tales beyond the shore. Sail away where no ball and chain can keep us from the roarin’ waves, together undivided but forever we’ll be free. So sail away aboard our rig, the moon is full and so are we, we’re Seven Drunken Pirates, we’re the Seven Deadly Sins.
~*~*~
~*Pink Punk Pirate*~
Proud Satanist, an Artist
A Writer, a Nutcase
Your Head Nurse

This is Captain Pinkeh, he’s my First Mate
:capnpinkeh:
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PynkPandah
Member Avatar
We are creatures of shoelace, lost in Purple. The Koala knows.
IR Asylum Head Nurses
I love them too, they are so funny!!

Yah i noticed that, he seemed more intent on pugging this book than anything else!! lol still funny though :shelle:
<center>•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Crystal Gale – Crying in the Rain .¸¸.•*´¨`*•
I'll never let you see, The way my broken heart is hurting me, I've got my pride and I know how to hide, All the sorrow and pain, I'll do my crying in the rain, If I wait for cloudy skies, You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes, You'll never know that I still love you, So though the heartache remains, I'll do my crying in the rain. Raindrops falling from heaven, Will never wash away my misery, But since we're not together, I'll wait for stormy weather, To hide these tears I hope you'll never see, Someday when my crying’s done, I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun, I may be a fool, But till then, darling, you'll never see me complain, I'll do my crying in the rain.
•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Avril Lavigne – When You’re Gone .¸¸.•*´¨`*•
I always needed time on my own, I never thought I'd need you there when I cry, And the days feel like years when I'm alone, When you're gone, The pieces of my heart are missing you, When you're gone, The face I came to know is missing too, When you're gone, All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day, And make it OK, I miss you. I've never felt this way before, Everything that I do, Reminds me of you, I love the things that you do. When you walk away, I count the steps that you take, Do you see how much I need you right now? We were made for each other, All I ever wanted was for you to know, Everything I do I give my heart and soul, I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me.
•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Shelle H. Mollomini .¸¸.•*´¨`*•
•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Mother of Jack Student of Life .¸¸.•*´¨`*•
•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Nerd Extraordinaire .¸¸.•*´¨`*•
•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Proud member of the Church of Amy .¸¸.•*´¨`*•
•*´¨`*•.¸¸. Proud member of the Church of Gaming .¸¸.•*´¨`*•

<href="http://www.pickle-green.com/egraphics/main.php?id=eggs" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.boomspeed.com/egraphics/kju32.gif" border="0" title="Adopt one today!"></a></center>
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RamenSensei
Member Avatar
Bow to your sensei! :o
Damned
XD He plugged his book!? Those are just too cool though.
<FONT FACE="Arial"> Bow to your sensei...

m(_._)m


o(o_-) O </font>

<FONT FACE="Webdings"> ß</font>Abbey


Minion army [size0](in the works XD):

Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image

[size0]Minion Army Agenda: [size0]

1. Steal corndogs
2. World Domination
3. Eat corndogs
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