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The Marauder's Secret Files !; New 7M Epilogues
Topic Started: Jul 17 2013, 02:39 PM (831 Views)
Hunter_Chameleon
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The Communist Merc
Following the path of the Cossack's Comrades, I now present to you unreleased Epilogues from the Seven Mercenaries !

First of all, I'll reveal our "secret" Epilogue plan.

We had settled on having the War happen near the end of our Season 2, which left us with a missing Mega Water and under RPD watch.
The general idea of Season 3 (aka "Grimdark and Crossovers") was to have us do a bit of "community service", and meeting up with old "friends". To get to this, we had planned on writing cross-overs, War-style, with Teams (and villains) we had met in the event.
The planned match-ups were :
-7M-Mysteryman
-Fatal Five-Tech Tyrants
-7M-Armored Assassins (the MM6 Team)
-F5-Spade and Sedulus (villains of the aforementioned Team) (was written and completed)
-7M-Ascendant Androids

And also an Epilogue were the Wily's Warriors' Metalman was house-sitting the Fatal Five's bionic shark.

Except the F5+Spedulus one, none truly made it past planning stage.

At the end of the Season, the Mercs get "cleaned" of remaining SA code, get a new Mega Water, and return to more "classic" (or "pre-War" hijinks) for Season 4, with Epilogue ideas like "fighting a meme along with the Hoff" or "replacing a TF2 team".
We also considered to have a "Request Board", similar to the one from Darklight Mercenaries, but the plan was scrapped due to A- Sparks thinking (and rightfully so) that it was a DLM specificity, and B- that it wouldn't work quite as well.

We had some beginning plans for Season 5. The big gist was to have the 7M and the F5 (and eventually the Tech Tyrants) travelling to a reverse universe, where Megaman was a power-hungry tyrant, keeping Dr Light on a leash for updates, and Wily and his Robot Masters being freedom fighters.

With all that said, let's begin the retrospective. And beforehand, feel free to refresh your memories.
Now a full-time Communist.

Combatron Chronicles - Transformers RP awaits you !
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Hunter_Chameleon
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The Communist Merc
SEASON 2 CONCLUSION : WORLD TRIP

Somewhere, in space. Above everyone's heads, floats one of the most formidable moving fortresses in activity. It, and its crew, have made themselves infamous during the latest War. This is the Marauder, home of the Seven Mercenaries.

It's been long since there have been any cheers in this place. This is the cost that goes with power. And the Mercs are now paying it tenfold. Let's see them speaking together.

They're all seated in what can be called their living room. They look as in the good old days, but their faces are grim. Their war memories are too strong yet.
The only one who doesn't seem troubled is their "watchman". Captain Roland Silver, of the Robot Police Department, has a watchful eye over them. He is seating at Mega Water's -casualty of War- place.

"Our biggest problem now, is that we lost the confidence of everyone. I can hardly see people hiring us anymore." explains the closest one the have to a leader. He nervously fidgets with his scarf.

The group's tallest member grunts. "Yeah, 'cause joining the Kill-Em-All Squad looks wonderful on a CV, Hunter." Meet Magnus, the only one who regained his senses before the madness was over.

"We already discussed that, Magnus. Now, find something useful to say or hush." Naoshi always had a short temper when it came to their latest recruit, even before.

"If I may suggest something..." proposed Silver, extending his arm and dipping in a box of Pralines. "Why don't you guys go around and help, until you regain some credibility ?"

"I see that working. Now, if they don't want to see us anymore, I'd understand them." Shinobu, along with Magnus, had been one of the least scarred by their stay in the Army.

"We have RPD approval." added Kayorei in, as she pointed at the Captain. She had kept on her habit of speaking few.

"I can see that working ..." said Hunter. "But we still have a problem to solve before." All looked at Silver's seat. The message was clear.

"I tried to work with the remains, but I'm afraid they're over my skills." replied Iga, the Team's first mechanic. "But now, if we could find an expert..."

A cold, soft chuckle rose from Hunter. With a different tone, he added : "Then our path is already set up. We have a small trip back home !"

***

The Skull Castle was still being rebuilt, but it already had an impressive look. That's the good thing with skull motif ; it never gets old.

The german doctor had set up a meeting out of it, in the woods, and took a special escort with him. The Mercs nodded at the Fatal Five when seeing them gathering around their master. Still, Hunter had an interrogative look at Lento's "pet" -some robotic shark-, but his Fatalist counterpart shrugged in response.

"I don't know vhy I should help you, Mercs. After all, zese forced stay in your prison vasn't ze best room in my life."

"We were only seeking help from a world-class robotician, Doctor." suggested Iga.

"I like ze flattering, Buster Rod, but zat is not enough."

"Do you really think you have a choice here, Wily ? Your head is still wanted, after all." Before Hunter could get his hand to his rapier, he was quickly restrained by Magnus, who apparently took a small delight in the task.

Wily shrugged. "Your leader should see someone for ze voices in his head. So, do you vish me to adapt zis armor for your friend here ?"

"Me ? Oh, I'm not with them." Silver smiled. "I'm only an agent of the RPD." He carried on after Wily's gasp, apparently pleased with the effect. "But if you agree on helping this persons, I may forget I just saw you."

"A-alright. Drop by in a matter of monthes, and I may efen add in zome upgrades for ze lot of you - not zat you need zem, anyway."

Hunter broke himself free of Magnus' grasp. "It's agreed then. Shall we shake hands ?"

Both the doc's and the Merc's hands were shaking, one from nervosity, the other from restraining a desire to gun the old man down, but it was done. As the Mercs were leaving, Riff raised his voice and asked : "By the way, where are you going now ?"

To this Hunter replied : "Walking the Earth."

END SEASON 2.

-----------------

SEASON 3 EPILOGUE 3: Copies Running Wild!

(Time to meet up with our Mercs. And it seems like they're mourning one of their teammates.)

Enker: He was the best of us. No doubt.

Punk: *nods*

Quint: Sure, he was quite moody at times, but despite that, he was a true team player.

Mega Water: We'll regret him.

(... Wait, what?)

Buster Rod: Ah. You got us confused with the Mercs. AGAIN.

(Well, err... heheh, you just look alike, and... what happened, exactly?)

Hyper Storm: Twas Ballade. Went up against the Comrades.*

(*Read Cossack's Comrades "Ballade's Revenge" for details.)

Enker: Met his end fighting. That's what he wanted.

(Ah. Sorry to hear it. If I can do something...)

Quint: Well, you could go and narrate for our last adventure.

(The last?!)

Buster Rod: Ballade was our leader. No one truly feels like taking up the mantle.

Enker: And we've been replaced already. Evil Eight, Rescue Force, Fatal Five...

(I understand. So, need some help?)

Quint: .... Wait. if we defeat the Mercs, you're out of a job, right?

(I can do a favor to you, I guess. And let's try to make that last adventure a good one, right?)

Mega Water: Good point. So, ideas?

Other Killers: ...

Enker: In fact... No, too silly.

Punk: Still say it.

Enker: See the reputation the Mercs have? We could go and ruin it for good.

Hyper Storm: How?

Enker: Simple. We pose as them, go around and ruin stuff, and they get blamed! With their rep, they'll get the axe for good!

Quint: *nods* I guess we can try. But they're short a Mega Water, and we're short a Ballade.

Buster Rod: Magic disguises. Both use projectiles.

Punk: And what about their human caretaker?

Enker: I have an idea...

(Later on, near Madrid...)

"Hunter": These disguises work, I'll give you that.

"Kayorei": So, how did you solve the Watcher issue?

"Enker": I documented myself.

(Shortly before this scene, on the Marauder...)

Silver: *on the comm. line* Roland Silver here.... What? Seriously?!... I know, but... you know that my mission is to... that's because I'm... no, I never implied... FINE. *hangs up and rushes to the teleporters*

Hunter: What's the matter?

Silver: Overgrown Commodore wants me to investigate on a counterfeit mussel traffic. If you're lucky, I'll have chips for tonight's dinner.

Shinobu: And what about our mission in Madrid?

Silver: *waves off* Already contacted the locale RPD. Gotta go.

Iga: What's this about mussels?

Kayorei: *shrugs*

Hunter: Let's say... it's some Belgian thing and leave it at that. Let's move on.

(Hmm... Mussels and chips... Anyway, back to the present.)

"Magnus": Now, to tarnish the reputation of those Mercs!

"Hunter": But... how?

"Shinobu": I... I don't know.

"Naoshi": No one has any ideas?

The "Mercs": *shrug*

"Naoshi": Not even you? *points at "Hunter"*

"Hunter": Why should I? I'm not used to being followed. Or respected, for that matter.

"Naoshi": Maybe, but you're impersonating their leader!

"Hunter": Well, err... improvise!

The "Mercs": *groan*

"Hunter": Okay, let's go!

(And so, the Plan was set in motion! Yet its perpetrators knew nothing of said Plan.)

"Naoshi": Okay, I'll think it rationally. I'll try to remember all the Mercs did recently, and try to do something even worse!

(Good idea.)

"Naoshi": Thanks. So, recently, they tried to commit mass genocide and turn the world into a robot utopia. Now, to make something worse.

...

...

"Naoshi": Frak. Nothing tops that.

UN Joe: *walks nearby* Hey, you. I thought you were with the other Mercs.

"Naoshi": Yeah? Well, I wanted to change the air.

UN Joe: ...! He's turning berserk! *starts to panic*

"Naoshi": Hey, hold down! *destroys the UN Joe*

(You know, he'd have spread a nice panic.)

"Naoshi": Hey, it's easy now. I'll have to go find UN Joes to be rude at.

...

"Naoshi": That sounds like the least evil plan ever.

(Ayup. Even the fox in Dora the Explorer is more evil than you.)

"Naoshi": Damn.

(But, to be honest, I don't think your teammates fare any better...)

"Hunter": I'm lost! I KNOW I should have had a map of the town with me!

RPD Officer: Excuse me? Quint, right? We'll need you to lead a clean-up group!

"Hunter": Err... alright.

RPD Officer: Yeah, there may still be rogue Scissor Joes. You know how to stop 'em, eh?

"Hunter": *grumbles*

(Later...)

"Hunter": *leading the group* (Actually, it's not that bad. After all, I can start an ambush and pass the blame on the actual Mercs!) Alright, this way.

UN Joe: There's nothing here.

"Hunter": *readies his weapon* Soon, there will be even less.

(And then...)

?: *jumps on Quint) T-trraito-oo-r!

(A malfunctioning Scissor Joe! What were the odds?)

UN Joe Team: *easily dispatches the threat* Thanks for providing the bait, sir.

"Hunter": W-w-what bait?

UN Joe: You'll get a recommendation for this action!

"Hunter": ...Damn.

(Elsewhere...)

"Kayorei": (Okay, focus. What should a rogue Officer do? Blow up stuff, I guess. But... just about everything got destroyed already.)

(Just look that way.)

"Kayorei": Hm? *spots a seemingly intact building* Thanks for the hint. *blasts the whole thing down*

RPD Officer: Hey, you!

"Kayorei": Yeah, I blew up that building. So what?

RPD Officer: Just wanted to thank you.

"Kayorei": Make sure to report it was I, Ballade of the Mercs, that... Wait. Why thanks?

RPD Officer: The foundations of that place were completely ruined, and we had to destroy the thing anyway. But you managed a better job with your weapons than our demolition teams could have done. Thanks again!

"Kayorei": I... The... Gah. *runs away*

(What about the remaining trio?)

"Shinobu": Anyone has an idea for a plan?

"Iga": Nope.

"Magnus": Then we keep on that.

"Iga": And why is that so?

"Magnus": The Mercs are expected to help. So if we rebel in a passive way...

"Shinobu": They get the blame! Brilliant, for once.

"Magnus": You're welcome.

UN Joe: Hey, you guys! Going anywhere soon?

"Iga": Nope.

UN Joe: Okay. No prob.

"Magnus": ...Why "no prob"?

UN Joe: Everyone deserves their break, I believe. And I heard you did much already.

"Iga": We're potentially mass-murderers, without a Watcher, taking a "break", and you find nothing wrong?!

UN Joe: Now that you mention it... Those that help can have free drinks at that pub down the road, I heard.

"Shinobu": *restraining a furious Buster Rod* Free drinks, huh? Let's check out.

"Magnus": Good idea.

(Well, I don't think "emptying a pub on account of free drinks" is really villainous. But it's a start.)

(Later, after their eeeeeevil deeds of the day...)

"Shinobu": Hey, no sarcasm.

"Iga": Anyway, where was the meet-up point? Around here?

Hunter: *walks in from a nearby street* Ah, there you are! We were waiting for you guys.

"Magnus" (as they follow Hunter): So, how did the day go?

Hunter: Pretty fine. RPD seems satisfied with our jobs.

"Shinobu": Err...

Hunter: And here we are all! Naoshi, Kayorei, Shinobu, Hunter, Magnus, Iga, myself... *quickly recounts, then:* Hey!

"Hunter", "Kayorei" and "Naoshi": *walk in, see the crowd* Uh-oh.

(Okay, twice the Mercs is twice the confusion. Or something.)

Hunter: Who are YOU guys?

"Hunter": The Mercs, of course! *yells* RPD!

Special Forces: What's the matter?

"Hunter": *points at the true Mercs* I suspect these robots of being copies of ourselves, the true Mercenaries!

Naoshi: Just say we're spare copies made by the Army, while we're at it!

"Iga": Actually, I'd have said you were the Mega Man Killers. But whatever works.

Iga: One thing busts your theory: we have a Ballade, and no Mega Water!

"Kayorei": Neither do we!

Special Forces: Copies and potential rebels... I have one easy solution if you need help. *prepare weapons*

Mercs and "Mercs": *gulp*

?: Let me solve that.

(And soon appears...)

Hunter: Silver!

"Magnus": But... you were in Brussels for the afternoon! Express transport is still being rebuilt, and all teleporter relays in Madrid got smashed! How did you make the travel that fast?

Silver: You know, once you traveled from Lisbon to Moscow in a single week by foot, everything else is a piece of cake.

"Naoshi": O...kay.

Silver: Anyway, I know how to solve that problem of yours. *takes out a remote*

"Magnus": What, you'll make us watch TV?

Hunter: Uh-oh.

Silver: *presses a button on his remote*

(At this signal, all the real Mercs, minus Magnus, start twitching on the floor.)

Silver: Shoot down those standing.

(And soon, the confusion was over, as the Killers had run away from the heavy-calibre fire.)

Magnus: *getting shot at* NOT ME! NOT ME!

Silver: Hm? Oh, yeah. Hold your fire. He's with us.

Hunter: *recovering* S-silly Magnus... n-n-not getting r-remote-c-controlled like the r-rest of us...

Naoshi: So... getting with the Army helped us here... sort of.

Kayorei: .... Hope we don't need anymore of this help.

Silver: I'll see about that.

Magnus: I may need some. *collapses*

Naoshi: Oh, that Magnus!

SFX: *recorded 80s cartoon laughing ending*

Mercs and Silver: ...

(Yeah, I'm speechless, too. And so, what of the Killers?)

Quint: Killers no more. Time for a deserved retirement.

Buster Rod: Yup. Next time you want a villain humiliated, go and get the Fatal Five.

(And what will you do now?)

Enker: Found work in a martial arts dojo.

Quint and Genesis Unit: Circus.

Punk: Drummer in a metal band.

(Sounds all logical to me. Anyway, good luck, guys!)

Killers: Thanks. *walk of in the sunset*

THE END.

-------------
DOUBLE FEATURE !

SEASON 3 EPILOGUE 4 - "Frozen Clown !"

(Murmansk, after the War. Things have been pretty shaken there, but thanks to some intervening, things have been slightly better here than in most areas of the world. And its citizens want to commemorate it.)

Mayor : And this is why we give these medals, and the title of Honorary Citizens, to the team of the Fatal Five !

Riff : Do not forget our friend Henry. He is the reason we were sent here as well.

Mayor : An incident that benefited us, then !

Warpman : (I'm tired of this official slag already. Can't they just give us money and call it a day ?)

Riff : (We're keeping the morale up, guy ! Don't you feel glad to see that at least a city in the world loves us ?)

Warpman : (Meh.)

Henry : (Now, we'll have a reputation ! As heroes of Russia, no less !)

Warpman : (At least those Mercs will hesitate before shooting us. Commies stay together...)

(Let's leave this bickering to switch to another person in the crowd...)

? : *waves* Hey, sir !

Mayor : *interrupted* What do you want ?

? : Do you want to see a magic trick ?

Mayor : (I don't remember any magicians being planned for today...) Do proceed.

?: I'm gonna make this pencil... Dissapear! And I see we already have a volunteer from the audience!

Mayor: !? *Backs up* But-

?: *Flicks he pencil at him but it bounces off his head*

Mayor: Ow! ... That hurt..!

?: A gift! It's even got your name on it.

Mayor: ..? *Picks up the pencil and looks at it*

*The pencil has "SUCKER" written on the side"

Mayor: Wh- *Spade snaps and the pencil detonates, causing a gigantic explosion of multiple colors and fireworks. The Mayor obviously doesn't survive*

?: *Gestures* Hahahaha! Hilarious! But this was just the warm-up! Now that I've got your attention... Get ready for act two! Hahahahaa! ... After these messages.... Gotta go! *Bolts off*

(A few minutes later, in the ex-mayor's office...)

Mayor's Aide : Bad news : police lost track of the assassin.

Warpman : Ah ? Well, sorry for you, but we places to be. *tries to walk out, but...*

Staccato : *blocks the path* That is despicable, even coming from thee.

Riff : We're supposed to be heroes, remember ?

Warpman : Only heroes of war. I'm not in for goody-two-shoes heroism !

Lento : Reward expected for capture ?

Mayor's Aide : Anything you want.

Warpman : Well, that sounds interesting. *to Riff* Okay, you won.

Karasū : Let us track down that villainous character !

(Coming from Wily-Bots ... pots and kettles come to mind.
Anyway, at the place of the crime...)

Police-Bot : We didn't manage to get enough of the bomb left for analysis, sir.

Warpman : Can't really investigate on that case now, right ?

Police-Bot : However, we received a letter for you specifically.

Warpman : (Me and my big mouth.)

Riff : *opens the letter* "Life is but a play, and we're the actors. And you're short a few props, bozos." Damn, that handwriting is awful.

Henry : Anyone can make sense of it ?

Police-Bot : *shrugs*

Warpman : *fiddles with his thumbs*

Karasū, Riff and Staccato : *grumble and ponder*

Lento : Officer ?

Police-Bot : Yeah ?

Lento : Requesting location of closest theatre props store.

Police-Bot : *draws a map* It's quite clsoe, actually.

Riff : What's the idea, Lento ?

Lento : Riddle receivde. Perhaps Riddler is involved.

Karasū : And you know this fellow is obsessed over hints and clues.

Warpman : Maybe, but that's too lame for the man.

Henry : An imitator, maybe ? With a grudge against you ?

Riff : I don't see who it could be. Officer, please take Henry back with you. We'll investigate on our own.

Police-Bot : Will do, sir.

Henry : I ... I think I'll go with you. And stop that guy.

Staccato : But this is no task for a bartender, old friend ! Who knows what horror hides in the shadows ?

Henry : Probably, but ... I have a reputation, right ? Do heroes chicken out ?

Karasū : ("Chicken", eh ?)

Henry : Besides, that will make good publicity for my Hideout, eh ? A crook-arresting bartender !

Warpman : *chuckles* You got me convinced. Now, let's go before my common sense kicks in.

(At the store...)

Warpman : Letter's pinned on the door. *opens the letter* "Still feeling courageous ? Why not get some courage-in-a-bottle ?" ... I resent that one.

Henry : Isn't there a distillery close ?

Staccato : *looks at the map* Verily, but ... doesn't this sound TOO obvious ? We were supposed to deal with a mastermind.

Riff : Or an imitator. And I don't like my guess on who it is...

Warpman : Seems like we think alike for once.

(And then, in front of the distillery...)

Staccato : "You must believe this is getting fishy. And you're right !"

Fatal Five and Henry : *collective facepalm*

Lento : Maximal obviousness is attained.

Warpman : Why not a map, while we're at it ?!

Staccato : Hmm ... *turns the letter* ... You guessed right.

Warpman : Brilliant. Just ... brilliant.

(At a place that is so obviously the docks it hurts...)

Karasū : This is testing my patience. *opens letter* "Look above." *does so, and...*

? : SURPRISE !!

(The killer managed a perfect landing on Karasū - that is, if the Fatalist's staff had not been getting in the way.)

? : *sent aback* Owie ! Looks like you ruined my face. *pulls a red nose from his sleeve and puts it on his face* Better.

Henry : ... Err, who are you, again ?

? : Whaa-aat ?! You don't recognize me ? The funniest half of Spedulus ?

Warpman : (Who, or what, is Spedulus ?)

Riff : (Beats me.)

? : But ... it is I ! The great, the maaaaagnificent, the one and only ... SPADE ! *strikes a heroic pose*

Fatal Five and Henry : *look at each other, and shrug collectively*

Spade : *falls flat* You just hurt my ego ! Again ! And by "you", I mean ... *points at Karasū* YOU !!! ... And your teammates too, I guess.

Karasū : Wait a minute ... Murmansk ... the naval assault ... it's getting back. And ... that too... *shivers*

Lento : What is unit's status ?

Karasū : Trying to repress mental imagery. *shudders*

Spade : So at least ONE of you remembers. Well, one out of six ain't bad.

Riff : In any cases, what do you want ? Revenge on us, maybe ?

Spade : Actually, yes. Tell me : you read the script ahead, right ?

Henry : What script ?

Warpman : Here's a hint, you Pennywise washout : we're villains too. We know about these things.

Spade : Oh, okay. Makes the whole thing easier. Time to use ... THE SWITCH ! *pulls a remote control with a huge, red button on it*

Staccato : Surely, this is not -

Spade : SILENCE ! Once I activate ... THE SWITCH, the city will be flooded ! Hundreds of bombs will detonate the docks and cause a tsunami ! *presses the button*

(... Nothing happens.)

Staccato : This is only a button.

Spade : Gotcha ! Seriously, hundreds of bombs ? With the current economy ? Bad move.

*Rumbles*

Spade : So instead, I built a giant robot.

(Out of the water, crawls a cyclopean, mechanical squid, manned by Spade's crew !)

Spade : *singing* Up from the depths
Thirty stories high -

Bobby : That's no Godzilla boss.

Bozo : And I will NOT be Godzookie !

Spade : But ... the lyrics matched ! Not all the way, I admit, but the intro did !

Warpman : So, that's ... a junk golem ?

Spade : YOU FOOL ! This is ... THE KRAKEN ! *dramatic thunder*

Lento : ... Questioning veracity of statement.

Spade : I said ... THE KRAKEN !! *dramatic thunder*

Riff : Okay. Fatal Five, let's dispatch this thingamabob.

Tim : Not if WE have a say about it !

Mary : *throws knives at Riff*

Henry : STOP !

Everyone : *stares at Henry*

Henry : I think we're all getting a bit tense here. So, how about I do some tricks to entertain you all ?

Spade : A competitor, then ! I'll take your challenge, and see if you can best me. Time to D-D-D-Duel !

Henry : Okay, then. We'll start with an easy trick. *takes out a pack of cards from his apron* Here, pick one.

Spade : Okaaaay !

Henry : Now ... *uses a match and burns the remaining cards.*

Spade : *nods* ... Wait, what ?

Henry : I suppose you can give me back my card, then.

Spade : I'm not convinced, you know.

*But, as he gave out the last card... *

Henry : And the other ones, please.

*... the rest of the deck popped out from Spade's neck. Huh.*

Spade : ... I admit, that was a good trick.

Henry : And I'm not done ! But we'll discuss after a drink, right ?

Spade : Alas, I'm as broke as a pottery stand down a slippery road.

Henry : You cute little liar. *takes a $100 note from Spade's ear* But we'll have to change it.

Spade : What the - ? And how - ? And I don't even have apparent earholes !

Henry : So, do you admit your defeat ?

Spade : *bows* I aknowledge a master. But tell me your secrets, please.

Henry : Ta-ta-ta. A good magician never reveals his tricks.

Spade : *opens his blades an inch to Henry's face* TELL ME !!!

Lento : *bonks Spade on the head* Harlequin should respect Henry's word.

Spade : You, still here ? Cry havoc, my men, and let slip the squids of war !

*No one answered.*

Spade : What ?!

Riff : We used Henry's distraction to beat down your servants and destroy the Kraken.

Warpman : Still wanna fight, loser ? *chuckles*

Spade : Hmph. *all lights go off* I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, FATALISTS ! NEEEEXT TIIIIME ! *runs off*

Henry : Thanks, guy. That was close.

Staccato : We are indebted to you, companion.

Karasū : Without your help, we'd still be here, fighting this madman.

Riff : But tell me. How did you manage that trick with the deck of cards ?

Henry : Well, I guess I can explain to you guys...

(And so, ended an adventure of the Fatal Five. Turns out they're not that bad at being heroes.
But is this the last we hear of Spade ? ... I dunno. We only did the contract for a single Epilogue.)

THE END
Now a full-time Communist.

Combatron Chronicles - Transformers RP awaits you !
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Sean
Hungry
Had to go through the old Seven Mercenaries epilogues quick first to make sure remembered who each name belonged to. Which did remind me that I always liked how for the most part you guys made almost all sprites used in the epilogues yourself leading to a rather consistent style. I can also see what you said to me before of finding the Fearsome 5 more fun to write at times.
Dustman of Cossack's Comrades
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Hunter_Chameleon
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The Communist Merc
SEASON 4 EPILOGUE 1+2 (By Maggots)

Chapter I: "For Peace, For Profit, For Toasted Bread!"
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

(The battlefield. Communication failure. Dead link...

With that the former Mega Water S was lost to the team. The war took its toll on.. oh, you know what? This is depressing, I mean really. Many robots and humans died. Horror spread through the land. Let's skip ahead here, lemme see, nope... nope... Who writes these scripts? Oh, okay, here we go...)

In Earth's orbit sat the doomship of the mercs, the Marauder. It had been months since the war, and the remaining members had spent their time in a depression. Quint was sitting in his room, staring up at the ceiling, when there was a knock on the door. Ballade peeked into it, and gave a small and brief smile...


Ballade: " Hey, uhh.. weren't we going to do something any time soon?"

Quint: " You mean like lunch?"

Ballade blinks, and raises an eyebrow as she leans nonchalantly against the metallic door frame.

Ballade: "No, a mission. We haven't had a proper mission in months. We're running out of funding, and if we don't do something soon, we're going to look pretty stupid riding a bus to our missions.."

Quint rolls over and looks at the wall for a moment, thinking this over. He sighs, and then sits up.

Quint: Yah, I suppose we should get a new Mega Water huh? But, after lunch. I'm thinking sbarro's.

The two bored robot masters made their way towards the kitchen, when they heard a loud banging noise. As Ballade stepped into the room, they noticed that Buster Rod was sitting at a table with Magnus. Magnus looked up, and grinned toothedly as he had the poor simian in a headlock.

Quint: Stop that.

Magnus let him go, and was just about to do something equally mean, when the intercom rang out.

*DING*

Buster Rod looked up at the small speaker sitting in the corner.

Magnus: "That the computer? We got a message?"

Buster Rod: "Better question, how long have we had the mail alerts through the intercom?"

Magnus grabbed Buster Rod by the shoulder, and toppled him backwards as there was a mad scramble for the main computer. The race to read the letter came to a stop as they filed into the room to see Naoshi sitting at the console staring at the white and black screen.

Naoshi smirks, and looks back giving them room to see the screen.


Computer: " Sender: Ebom | File: Mission | Date: Fri, 3/20/XX | Size: 11TB

--Topic--

We need help, there's a riot at our armaments factory. We produce Sniper Joes. Something is down here. We've called everyone, and you're the only ones in our price range. We will pay for the services of all seven of you. Please help us.

The message came with schematics of the factory, directions, and other details. It seemed well set up, and gave passwords into the factory proper. Quint downloaded them, and turned towards the others.

Quint: Okay. Wait, seven?

Naoshi shrugs: "Yah, the set up they sent requires seven posts down the main hallways. It doesn't say what it is that's in the factory."

Quint looks back to them with an unpleasant frown. Something in the way he stood shown he was almost prepared to turn down the job, but Magnus cut in first.

Magnus: "I got an idea, stay here for a moment..."

The large dragonoid rushed off and left the others standing in confusion and questioning looks. After a few minutes he returned carrying a metallic box. As he holds it up the others could see it was their toaster with the words "Mega Water" scrawled in messy marker on it's side.

Magnus: "Meet our seventh member, the new Mega Water!"

Naoshi: "Works for me.."

Ballade gave it an odd look and coughed: "It's our toaster... I highly doubt..."

Magnus cuts her off: "Did I mention it won't use the monitors to tap into the security cams in the woman's bathroom?"

Ballade cringes and gives a small nod: "It's got my vote..."

Quint waves a hand and steps forward: "No, no matter what we can't have a toaster as a robot master replacement. We'll check the position opening we posted on-line, and choose a temp from the listings.."

Quint motioned, and Naoshi got up. He sits down, and checks Monster-Online. The Mega Water S posting had no hits. He tried E-Robot, and it was the same. Ten recruitment sites later came up blank, and he growled in annoyance as he looks back.

Quint: " Fine, just for this mission..."

Magnus looks over to Buster Rod and the monkey shrugged, uninterested in the metal box. Just then, the toaster popped, and up came two slices of delicious toast done to a golden brown.

Buster Rod takes the toast and begins munching happily: "Ouff'kay. 'Ee's in..."

With that matter settled, the Mercs suited up for the mission. The teleporters hummed with intent as they stepped through them. Punk looked quizzically at the toaster as they disappeared. The Seven Mercenaries stood looking at General Mills Arms. At the start of the third World War, General Mills switched its business from breakfast cereal to weapons development. The company's first combat bot "Tony the Tiger Tank" failed miserably as both a mascot and a weapon of death, but they soon bought the rights to develop Sniper Joe units.

Quint looks around and finally sighs in utter disgust.

Quint: "Nevermind guys, it's a set up. Let's go back to the ship..."

The others looks at him and begin to question why in a large and unruly mob fashion. Quint motions for quiet, as he points at the factory.

Quint: "Oddly silent, no guards. Empty warehouse. Yep, it's obviously a trap. I say we go get lunch, and head back to the ship. I think there is an "I Love Lucy" Maratho..."

Out of the bushes came a familiar small robot. He hopped over to them, and shook in anger for a moment.

Glowy: "What, but how? No! You guys can't just walk away. How did you know it was a trap?! Darn it, do you know how hard I've been working on this? I had it all planned out, reprogramming the Joes, setting up seven death traps that dealt with your individual powers. I was going to win, darn you! Now, after all my hard work, you dare to walk away like it's nothing?! I will not allow this!"

Glowy continued his rant as the others looked at each other, and went to discuss where to go eat. Finally Hyper Storm got annoyed, and looked down at the toaster. He then looked over at Glowy.

Glowy: "And another thing.. wait, why are you staring at me like that?"

Hyper Storm took the toaster in hand and hammered it down at Glowy like a shining, metal football. It bounced off the glowing helmet and toppled the mettool over end, as it landed face down and moaned.

Hyper Storm: "Wait for it...."

After a moment the toaster, which landed right side up a bit away from the impact popped. There in it, was the toast of victory.

Buster Rod went and picked the toaster up. Taking the toast and looking it over, he then hugged Mega Toaster S.


Buster Rod: "I love this guy!"

With that the Seven Mercenaries left that successful mission to eat pizza in victory of their new temporary Mega Water. Quint indeed enjoyed sbarro's that day.


Chapter II: "Three Kappa in a Row is a Hate Crime..." or "Water A Way To Go."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

(Back on the Marauder...)

It was the day after their victory against Glowy... again. The group was sitting around the table as Iga was shining the toaster up with polish. He rubbed it and the toaster popped, granting the monkey more golden brown treats. Punk was sitting on a counter looking over at nothing in particular. Quint sat down and looked over at the group. He looked over at Iga, who was putting a hat on the toaster. The robot master raised an eyebrow, but decided to save that matter for later.


Quint: "Okay, barring our victory yesterday, we really do need to get a new Mega Water. I've been thinking about it all night, and since we can't find a human to take up the mantle I suggest we go to Wily."

The other robot masters seemed to show no signs of caring about this one way or another and Quint frowned.

Quint: "Fine... I'll go..."

Quint grumbles as the meeting is ajourned. The other robots depart in random directions, leaving Quint sitting there at the table. He sighs, and disarms. The human Hunter sat there, and propped his feet on the table. After a moment's contemplation, he finally gets ready to go.

Quint: "Going to be a long day..."

Quint heads for the teleporters, and locks onto the bio-feed they had of Dr. Wily. He checks the map, and sets the location near the point where the feed was located. Wily changed bases about a frequently as some people changed underwear, so it's best to track Wily himself rather then where he was supposed to be.

Quint stepped into the teleporter, and disappeared. Wily's new fortress looked like a skull. (They all look like skulls. You'd think people would be able to find and stop him by just going to where the new skull building was set up. I mean really? Are skull fortresses so common that no one notices? They're not Starbucks!

Annnyways..)

The new fortress was smaller then usual, hidden under the ice of the arctic. Quint beamed into the antechamber a few feet from Wily (which suggests Megaman is an idiot for not doing that himself), and looks around. The room was a well lit laboratory, and housed a manufacturing plant. Quint whistled, and Wily looked up from work on making a met that split into smaller angry mets that explode on contact.


Wily: "Why the hell can't any of you lot knock first? Or at least call before visiting.."

Wily takes a step towards Quint as the met coughs, and explodes where it sat. Fire began to engulf the work station and Wily walked away from it to stand beside Quint, ushering him out into a hallways towards the rest of the base. Quint looks back at the burning table and was about to question it as the automatic close behind them.

Wily: "So, you're here about the Mega Water right? I had just finished construction on it. Did you happen to find a human to use the suit?"

Quint: "Not exactly..."

Wily: "Didn't expect you to, people aren't really thrilled with joining a force that almost ended the world. Expecially in joining as the one member who died in that force. No matter, I had went ahead and built it as a functioning robot, including an A.I."

Quint raised an eyebrow at that, and they where moving at good speed as the floor moved them towards the internals of the lair. Cheerful elevator music played as they stopped at a automated door. It opened, and they stepped into a repair and maintenance dock.

Wily went to one of the large metallic tubes, and pressed a button on it's side. It opens up in a blast of cold smoke as Quint waits to see the face of his fallen comrad. He stares at the empty tube for a second, then looks down at the squat, green, toadly thing in the bottom of it.


Quint:" What the hell is that?"

Wily: "Your new Mega Water S..."

Quint: " Where the hell is the rest of him?!"

Wily: " You get what you paid for, and since you're not paying me anything, well... I had to make this model economical."

Quint leans forward and looks at its face.

Quint: " He's ugly, were you expecting me to find a midget for you to use... this..?"

Wily: "So? Like I said, I wasn't expecting you to find anyone which is why I built him to be fully functional. Now, let's activate him, so I can get both of you traitors out of my laboratory."

Wily reached in, and flicked on a few switches inside the tube. There was a low hum, as the unit was energized, and DOS started to boot the A.I. The Mega Water S unit opened it's eyes, and looked around for a moment.

Wily: " This unit has memories of what happened to the last unit, a personality chip, weapons, and everything else I pumped into you ungrateful buckets of bolts. Step forward Quint, help your new brother up."

Quint stepped forward to let Mega Water out of the tube, and the small robot waited till he was close to come up with his duck like foot to nail the poor pseudo-leader between the legs. Quint grunted and dropped to eye level. Mega Water looked angry.

Mega Water: "You got me killed?! TWICE?!!"

Wily: "Oh, yah I forgot, I also programmed into him footage of the first Mega Water getting blown up too."

The kappa pushes Quint out of the way, and stretches as he looks to Wily. The good doctor smiles, and shrugs. Quint says something as he works his way back onto his feet.

Quint: "Alright, let's go.. Sooner we get back to the Marauder, sooner we can get to doing missions.."

Mega Water raises an eyebrow, and says in a flat humorless voice: "I'm not going with you..."

Wily looks at Mega Water in amusement as he takes a few steps back. He pressed a button on a remote in his pocket silently, and watched the free entertainment.

Quint: "What do you mean, not going with me?"

Mega Water: " I was destroyed twice working with you people, what third times the charm? I'm not going with you, why would I think this would be any different?"

With that Mega Water gave Quint the finger, grabbed up his harpoon, and beamed out of the fortress.

Quint: "Wily?! You tricked me! This Mega Water is..."

Quint turns around, but Wily was laughing through a small window. He had expected this event to happen poorly for the mercenary, and was sitting inside an escape pod already. The window became empty as Wily disappeared as well through a conveniently placed escape hatch in the roof.

Elsewhere....

Standing in the snow outside of the fortress where four shadowed figures of very familiar description. They had tracked Quint's movement as he beamed to earth, and were investigating. They all looked up, as the transporter beam of Mega Water leaves the fortress.

Standing there with sbarro cups in their hands was Riff, Karasū, Warp man, and Staccato.


Riff: "Yep."

Karasū: "Yep."

Warpman: "Yep..."

Staccato: "Verily."

They all take a sip of their respective drinks, as they watch Wily's craft hover out of the fortress and float away never to be seen again... for today.

Riff: "Yep."

Karasū: "Yep."

Warpman: "Yep..."

Staccato: "Verily."

Just then, Lento comes back from scouting the region. He stops before the four never-do-wells, and gives them a confused look.

Lento: " Unit Lento questions what are you doing standing around?"

Warpman: "What? Never heard of a pop culture reference?"

Lento: "Unit Lento is not amused..."

Karasū: "Hey, if Wily left, and who ever that was left... Doesn't that mean that Quint is the only one in the fortress?"

Warpman takes another sip, and then stops after a moment. He suddenly has a very sinister idea.

Warpman: " You know, if Quint is the only one in there, why don't we, you know, go in there and ambush him?"

The others stand there in silence for a moment, and Staccato frowns.

Staccato: "Thus would be most uncouth. No honor at all in defeating a knight in such a dishonest manner."

Lento: "Unit Lento doesn't register regard for honor. Unit Lento follow Riff. Should we attack Quint? Y/N?"

Warpman: " Come on, it is a chance to win for a change..."

Riff stood there thinking it over, he finally drops his cup into the snow, and stomps it: "Oh, alright. I'm sure this would be entertaining for a moment. Let's go.."

The five of them storm the newest Skull Fortress, lowering its property value with each step.

Inside the Fortress...

Quint was standing there looking at the empty tube. Wily had set him up, and Mega Water just went M.I.A. what more could go wrong today?

Just then the wall behind him exploded, knocking Quint sprawling across the room. He looks up to see the Fatal Five standing in the newly made doorway.


Karasū: "S'up?"

Quint's eyes widen as he realizes just how much more wrong the day can actually get...


Chapter III: " From Bad to Wurst"
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

(When we left off, Quint was about to get his bottom waxed by the entirety of the Fatal Five. Now that I have my popcorn, we can continue.)

Quint stands up as the smoke clears. The Sakugarne appears on his arm, as he looks at his five opponents. He wouldn't be able to call on support fast enough, and they block the quickest exit to the outside.


Quint: " What are you doing here?"

Riff: " Oh, we were in the neighborhood buying furniture. You know how it is, we saw you beam down, and went to check it out. Wasn't expecting you to be stupid enough to beam down alone."

Quint: "And I suppose you're here to buy me lunch?"

The three enemies look down at the sbarro cups still in hand, and tosses them behind them. They frown, and go into fight poses to make up for embarassing moment. Quint takes this moment to rush forward trying to get the first shot. His fist slams Staccato in the face, before the end of the Sakugarne hammers out spinning Quint around, and throwing the dazed Staccato back out of the door.

Lento reaches out, and grabs Quint by the shoulder. He held him in place long enough for Warpman to return the favor by pummeling Quint in the stomach with his own proto-Sakugarne. The mercenary dropped to his knees, and reaches out to jackhammer Lento in the ankle with his weapon. The mammoth bot grunts, and falls over. Warpman moves to use his weapon, missing Quint by inches, and slamming the ground next to him.

Quint rolls left over Lento as the sound of bullets ricochet off the metallic floor. Riff jumps onto Lento, and points the minigun down where Quint should be, but the robot wasn't there. He looks left, and is knocked to the ground by a right hook as the merc keeps himself moving. Lento gets up, and Quint hits him in the back. Lento doesn't move, and looks over his shoulder at Quint.


Lento: "Unit Lento is now rationally angry.."

From outside the compound, the side of the skull fortress is blown off.

Elsewhere....

From space, the scanners of the Marauder pick up the explosion, and Naoshi looks up from where he was playing on the computer to see. He zooms the scanners in, and moves to tap a sattalite feed. From the large hole in the side of the newly renovated fortress he could see Warpman. As he tries to center the camera on them, he sees Quint being slammed into the floor by Staccato.

Naoshi frowns, and reaches over flicking on the alarms. Naoshi looks at the fight, then goes to leave. He returns with a VHS tape, and begins to record the battle. If nothing else, he'd have something to laugh at later tonight.

Punk and the others had already armed themselves, and where standing at the teleporter when Naoshi came in. The closest conversion chamber in the teleporter room was open, and he donned his Enker armor quickly. As he exits he looks at them.


Enker: "Quint's been jumped by the Fatal Five."

Ballade looks up, and raises an eyebrow before nodding at that. Buster Rod checks the teleporter, and it was still tracking Wily. He made note of it's position, then sets it to the last location that it beamed to.

Buster Rod: "Okay, it's set to beam us right on top of Quint. We'll be dead center of the fight."

He picks up the toaster, and adjusts it's green hat, and duck beak. Then they rush the teleporter, and disappear down to the slowly crumbling Skull fortress.

Quint spat, and ran a hand across his swollen jaw. Staccato had him pinned to a wall. One of the rapier sticking through his arm below the Sakugarne.


Staccato: " Verily, thou hast mightily fallen, Quint. Hath ye any final words?"

Punk: "I got a few."

Buster Rod: "Surprise!"

Staccato turned around, and Magnus struck him in the head. He crashed a few feet away from Quint, who slid down the wall, and held his injured arm. Oil dripped from the hydraulics in his arm forming a black puddle beneath him.

Lento's shoulders opened, and released two missiles that broke up into small scatter warheads. The small explosions sent Enker to his knees trying to block the impacts and shrapnel, the damage leaving his armor glowing from the energy soak. Riff dodges left as Enker releases a wave of energy at him. Riff back flips, and lands. His minigun arm came up, and fired into Punk. The bullets rattled off the armored mercenary, and Punk steps backwards putting his hand up to block the barrage.

Karasū spun his quarterstaff, and pointed it at Buster Rod. The monkey smiled, and produced his own. The magician tapped his against the ground, and numerous Karasūs formed around Buster Rod. The monkey looked around holding out the staff for a moment.


Buster Rod: " Mega Water. You're up."

The simian grabbed the toaster by it's cord and spun it around his head, the toaster becoming a flail. It passed through the illusions, and struck the real Karasū in the face. The magician went sprawling, and passed out from the heavy impact to his temple.

Buster Rod looked down at Mega Toaster, and waited. After a moment it popped, and was empty.


Buster Rod: "Aw..."

Punk tackles Lento, and Hyper Storm rushes the walking arsenal from the back. They crash into him from both sides, and the sound of the impact echoes through the fortress. Lento's back mounted missle launchers collapse crushing the missles they held, and exploded in Hyper Storm's face. He grabs his face, and hobbles backwards in pain.

Lento embeds his fist in Punk's stomach shaking him loose. He places the slowdown cannon against his head. The blast of the cannon slows down Punk's processors, and the large bot slumps to the ground. Punk suddenly was unable to think fast enough to keep up the fight.

Lento had no time to savor this victory as he looks passed Punk to see Ballade lob two of her Ballade Crackers over Punks shoulders. They settle against Lento's neck, and explodes. The villian crashes onto his back, and stays down as the concussion grenades put him out of the fight.


Riff: "Damn, Warpman do something..."

Warpman turns towards Buster Rod, and Ballade. He smirks, and raises his hand.

Warpman: "Come on. Show me what you got."

Ballade and Buster Rod lunge forward as Warpman moves to meet them. A stream of bullets riddle the ground next to Ballade, and she jumps to dodge Riff's attack. Warpman grabs her by the leg as he runs by, and swings Ballade at Buster Rod. Just as she was about to contact Warpman formed a Warp Gate behind her, and sweeps both Ballade and Buster Rod into it.

Outside the fortress a small swirling vortex splits the icy air, and dumps the two stunned mercenaries out onto the ground. Buster Rod looks around, and beats his fists against the snow covered ground.


Buster Rod: "I can't believe we fell for that..."

Riff raises his minigun at Enker as they stand off. The ground was covered in fallen from both side, and Riff twitched a bit. Enker stood there and raised his lance.

Enker: "So, just you and me..."

Riff's twitch unsteadied his minigun, and he looked around. Warpman was standing there, but Riff knew that Warp Gate took some juice to move both of the mercs away. He looked back to Enker.

Riff: " So, I was thinking. I believe we can come to a stale mate here, take our partners and leave. Or, me and Warpman could team up on you. The choice is yours, but we were here to teach Quint a lesson, and I'm bored now."

Enker looked back at Quint, and frowns. He lowers his lance, and walks over to him. Riff smiles, and turns to Warpman. They went to pick up Lento, and the large bot stumbled a bit. Lento grabbed Karasū under one arm, and beamed. Warpman checked on Staccato, and beamed them both away as Riff was left.

Riff: "So, it was fun. We really should do this again soon..."

Riff beamed out of the battle zone, and left Enker to try to get Quint up.

Enker: "Enker to Marauder. Emergency recovery. Beam us out..."

With a flash the Marauder's A.I. beamed up the mercenaries. In the teleporter's room Enker stood up, and looked down at Punk, Hyper Storm, and Quint laying there. Ballade and Buster Rod looked around a bit, and helped Enker put the damaged robots in maintenence for repairs.

Ballade stood in the hall, and rubbed the back of her neck as Enker passed by. He was heading for his room, and stopped for a moment. The two exchanged silent glances and with that he left Ballade to think over the fight. She looked into the maintenence room, and watched the droids repair the damage to the machinery of Quint's arm.


Ballade: "Well, I wonder if it was worth it..."

Meanwhile, a small green male beamed onto a busy street corner. The newest Mega Water S stood there, and looks around confused. He beamed away without setting any form of destination, and it took him a moment to realize he'd beamed himself into a German city.

Mega Water looks around, and catches a road sign. He frowns realizing he can't speak German, and heads toward the large buildings downtown.

The kappa looks around, and notices people staring at him. He frowns, and moves his hand at them. The angry kappa grumbles as he realizes he can't speak or read German, but he knows how to give them the finger in their culture. Everyone goes back to their own business, and Mega Water S starts back for downtown. He reaches the red light district, and looks around. Neon signs telling of what lay inside call to him from all around.

Mega Water enters one of the brothel, and after a couple of minutes is thrown out by two burly bouncer robots. He bounces across the ground twice, and turns around. His harpoon lands beside him.


Mega Water: " It's not MY fault I was built without anatomy!"

He gathers up his weapon, and considers storming the brothel again for the hell of it, but he notices something odd about it. The missing robot master stares at the building trying to figure out what is out of place when he notices it is made of cloth. He blinks, and looks up as to where the building was parts, and opens like a stage curtain.

Mega Water takes a step back, and holds his harpoon in front of him as the building opens up to a stage where a curly haired man stood in a rhinestone jumpsuit. He shakes his bottom a bit, and points to Megawater.


Hasselhoff: " Never gunna give you up.."

Mega Water: " Who the hell are you?! What the hell are you?!"

Hasselhoff unzips the rhinestone suit, and It and the stage falls away as he steps out onto the street. He was wearing the leather jacket from Knight Rider, and Mega Water looks away to see the brothel as it was when he got here. He blinks, and looks back to the freak before him.

Hasselhoff: "I'm... the Hoff..."

A spotlight shined on him, and he smiles with teeth so white they sparkled. Mega Water couldn't see where the light was coming from, and noticed that the people around them where paying neither him or the lunatic before him any mind. He raised an eyebrow, and finally got his wits about him.

Mega Water: " Yah? Big deal. I don't care what you are, you freak. Go do your magic tricks for some kids..."

Hasselhoff: " I know who you are, though you looked different then before. Join me, Mega Water. Join me, and you'll have everything your heart desires!"

With that he snaps his fingers, and behind him a dozen large breasted, blonde women in red bikini's ran towards them. Mega Water's eyes widened, and he watched them bounce closer in painstakingly slow motion, the light shimmering off their perfectly round melons as they bound foward in sweet, hypnotic rhythm... (One sec, I need to record this.)

Mega Water reached out, and they vanished just as they got to directly behind Hasselhoff. Mega Water frowns, and looks back to him. He holds the harpoon up right, and thinks it over. Hasselhoff strikes a pose with his hand to his chin, and wiggles an eyebrow.


Hasselhoff: "I can grant you the power of flight!"

Mega Water: " Do I look like a damn Tengu? What would I use flight for?"

Hasselhoff blinks and then rips the jacket and jeans away like they were paper, and was standing there in swimming trunks. He strikes another pose, showing off what little muscle he had.

Hasselhoff: " What about super strength? The power... to move you?"

Mega Water stepped over to a motorcycle parked by the curb they where near and picks it up over his head. He drops it and the bike smashes against the ground.

Mega Water: " I'm a robot, I already have hydraulic arms... I'm stronger then any human naturally!"

Hasselhoff watched the display and raised an eyebrow. He then does the Hustle and clothing magically appears on him, this time white bell bottoms. He was shirtless, but had a white silk jacket and gold chains combo. He adjusted the white disco boots, and snapped his fingers, pleased at his own looks. He ran his hand down the mat of chest fur, and smiled to no one in particular, as if posing for an audience only he could see.

Hasselhoff: " I can grant you... cheese location..."

Mega Water stands there in confusion: " The hell is..."

Hasselhoff: " Cheese Location! The ability to find any cheese, or use cheese to find anything else. I dunno. I really haven't thought it out, but I can grant it to you, none the less!"

Mega Water stood there for a moment, and then shrugged.

Mega Water: " Meh. Okay, we'll run with that..."

Hasselhoff claps his hands together.

Hasselhoff: " Excellent! I want you... in my car..."

A black 1982 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am rolls down the street, and stops before Hasselhoff. Both doors open, and Hasselhoff jumps into the driver's seat in a dramatic fashion. Mega Water looks at it oddly, and gets in. He sticks his harpoon through the sun roof.

Kitt: " Where to?"

Hasselhoff: " My... no, no... Our secret lair! Ha ha ha ha ha..."

With that Hasselhoff and Mega Water drive into the distance...

Back at the Marauder, Kayorei was standing at the refrigerator about to enjoy a meal. Suddenly an unexplained feeling swept over her. Her skin got clammy and her eyes dialated in a raw mixture of rage and terror. She drops the jar of pickles and it shatters at her feet.

Buster Rod walks into the room, and watches her for a second.


Buster Rod: "Kay, you alright?"

Kayorei spoke a single word not much above a whisper, but in it was a cold harrowing sound.

Kayorei: "Hasselhoff..."

( What is Hasselhoff's plan? Will Quint be okay? Will I ever get that raise? These questions and more will be answered in...

Six Mercenaries and a Toaster Pt.2...

Hey, guys... I'm not kidding, will I? The narrator is tired of his all-ramen diet now...)


----------------------


Chapter IV: "Bride of Hoff."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --


(Now for the fateful conclusion....)

In the belly of the Marauder, the six Mercenaries were sitting around waiting for the ship's repair to tell them their fallen comrade will be okay. A loud explosion can be heard, and Punk moves towards the dormitory to find out what happened. He checks and notices the smoke coming from Kayorei's room.

Punk enters the room and looks around carefully. His eyes widen as he sees Kayorei standing there in the darkness. Her eyes glow red in the shadows as she tosses Ballade Crackers at a bullseye with a picture of the Hoff on it. The explosion rocks the ship as he slowly closes the door silently, and notices Hyper Storm standing beside him.


Punk:" She.. needs a moment alone."

Hyper Storm nods and they scamper away before drawing her attention.

In the living quarters, Buster Rod was sitting on the couch with Mega Toaster beside him. He had attached cardboard duck feet to the bottom of it with superglue, and was rubbing its stomach for toast. He watched Punk and Hyper Storm walk past and just as the swinebot crossed in front of the television, he put his fist through it. Buster Rod watched them leave then turns back to the television to see the sparking hole in the screen.


Buster Rod:"Real mature!"

Hyper Storm's only reply was to fart as he exited the room, leaving Buster Rod coughing as he headed elsewhere with the toaster. Tension in the spaceship was high as they grated on each others nerves. (It's actually funny to watch, like if you locked a bunch of monkeys in one cage. )

The intercoms crackled as the ship's computer came on...


Computer: " Repairs on Mercenary, Hunter, are now complete. Releasing him in 5..4..3.. "

Quint: "AAAAAARRRGGGGHHH!! I'll kill them!"

Computer:" 2..1.. He's your problem now.."

Buster Rod ran up to Hyper Storm and Punk as they hurried to the repair room.

Buster Rod: "When did the Computer have a personality?"

Hyper Storm: "Better question, how many times will we do this joke?"

Buster Rod jumps a ride on Punk as the other mercenaries catch up. Quint was thrashing around the repair room in a frenzy. The Mercs stare at him through the bullet-proof glass.

Naoshi: "One of us have to go in there, and calm him down.. Not it."

Buster Rod: "Not it."

Hyper Storm: "Not it..."

Kayorei: " Not it."

Hyper Storm looks down at the cosplaying toaster, and gets an idea.

Quint argues about needing a battle plan, as a silver missile nails him in the back of the head. He stumbles and looks down at the Toaster, then to the team. Hyper Storm points at Naoshi.


Quint: " Alright! Naoshi, go find the Fatal Five's location. Ballade, you come with me. The rest of you, get me an ice pack.."

Quint rubs his head as he walks with Kayorei. The others disappear to do their various tasks.

Kayorei: " What did you call me for?"

Quint:" We're going after The Fatal Five. I need to know what happened after I got knocked out."

Kayorei blinked: "Well... There was more fighting, but Buster Rod and I got teleported away. I don't know how Enker beat Riff and Warpman. Then we got you to sick bay, and went to eat..."

Quint blinks: "That's it? You didn't track them, or find out why they ambushed me? You just dropped me in the repair and called it a night?"

Kayorei shrugged: "No, we also went to a movie..."

(It was a really good movie...)

Quint looked tired around the eyes as he fought off the slowly raising headache: "You stopped chasing the Fatal Five, left me to repair and took the Narrator to the movies?!"

Kayorei didn't know what to say, so she stayed silent as they reached the teleporters. Quint goes to check the last feed and waits for a moment. Punk comes in, and hands him an ice pack as Naoshi's voice came on the intercom.

Naoshi:" I've picked up the Fatal Five's location.."

Quint: " What are they doing...?"

Naoshi:" Well..."

(Somewhere in Central Park...)

The sun was shining brightly as the Fatal Five sat in the grass around a crumpled red checkered cloth. Food was spread out between them, half eaten. They had drawn straws to see who'd choose how they'd celebrate their victory over Quint, and Karasū won. The magician chose a relaxing picnic in the park to the chagrin of the other four.


Lento: " Unit Lento expressing displeasure for potato salad. "

Staccato layed back, and blinked as he looked up at the sky: " Aye, it hath too much mustard extract..."

Karasū frowns: " But it's a family recipe..."

They were relaxing, and Riff was about to mention that this was a good idea, when Warpman begins choking on a sandwich. The big robot tried to point, and instead he curls up as two Ballade Crackers come to a rest in the middle of the group. The explosion knocked them all prone as the Mercenaries teleported to crash their picnic.

The fight was less an epic battle, and more of the mercenaries kicking the downed Five. After a few minutes, Quint stepped back, and spat into the grass.


Quint: " Think that was funny yesterday, huh? How do you like being ambushed?"

There was a woosh of wind as the sky grew dark. Quint looked up at a cloud that had formed over the sun. When he looked back, the mercenaries were surrounded by hundreds of shadowy figures. Across the way, the wall of the snack shack explodes, and a large red samurai walks through.

The Samurai unfolds a scroll, and looks at it thoroughly. He squints, and finally removes a small pair of reading glasses as he looks it over. He then looks to the twelve warriors...


Red Samurai: " Oh. Yah."

Quint: " What the hell?! You guys couldn't say we had company?"

The Samurai removes a long curved blade, and the fight began. Quint hammers his Sakugarne into the ground as it kicks him airborne. He comes down on the Samurai, as his Sakugarne impacts with the blade. He freezes in midair as the Samurai's two handed grip doesn't even shift. The mercenary hops back holding his arm as a wave of pain shoots up it.

Quint: " Narm! Narm!"

Both the Fatal Five and the Mercenaries took up the fight as they began to take down waves of the black ninjas. Staccato's blade cut throught the air as he danced through the people, carving long red lines in the black uniforms. Warpman fired on a ninja, and mistakenly hits Riff as the leader is sent into a Starbucks across town. The coffee machine took a hail of bullets...

Riff blinks, and looks around at the patrons curled under their tables.


Riff: " I'll... have a frappuccino?"

Two ninjas jumped the stunned Warpman as they clobber him with nunchucks. Lento raises the slow-mo cannon into the air and fires. Many a ninja was caught midair, and he blinks as he sees wispy cords holding them there. Staccato jumps up and begins to cut the wires as the slow ray dissipates, leaving numerous ninjas to fall onto the ground as if defeated.

Punk crashes to the ground with a ninja star in his forehead, much to his annoyance. Buster Rod swings Mega Toaster at the ninjas, and they retaliate by tripping the simian with a bola. Quint knelt in front of the Samurai holding his hurt arm. He frowns up at the smiling mask.


Quint: "Who are you?"

The Samurai's menacing grin was the last thing Quint saw before he was knocked out by the butt of the long curved blade. Ballade stands there, the last on her feet, in front of the Red Menace. She levies a Ballade Cracker in front of her, and prepares for the final showdown. The Samurai disappears as the suit turns into puppies (CLICK AT YOUR OWN RISK). And Kayorei sees the true final form of evil.

Kayorei: " I'M BLIND!"

Kayorei presses the Ballade Cracker to her face, and detinates it to keep from seeing the image in her mind. She keels over smoking, as the Hoff looks around.

Hasselhoff (in german): " Good, good. Take the female back to the base. Leave the others, they'll come right into our trap..."

He disappeared into a cloud of green smoke, leaving the ninjas to look at the group. They looked at each other and shrugged as they didn't know which one to grab, so grabbed the two robots that looked the most feminine. Kayorei and Staccato were dragged away into the night...

***

Chapter V: "Toaster Plus Bathtub"
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --


Riff walks back to the fight holding his iced coffee and a cookie. He takes a sip of the frappuccino, and nudges Quint with his toe. The mercenary sits up, and shakes his head.

Quint looks to Riff:" What happened?"

Riff shrugged: "Your comeuppance?"

The two rivals go to get the rest of their members as they come to the same conclusion. Quint frowns and points his Sakugarne at Riff.

Quint: "Where's Ballade? What did you do to her?"

Riff frowns, and points: "The hell if I know, you think I stole her? What? Did you think I stole Staccato too?"

Lento: Unit refrains from making suggestive reference at why Staccato and Kayorei are missing..."

Buster Rod makes puking noises at the thought, and Warpman rubs his chin thoughtfully.

Warpman: "Hummm..."

Riff waves his hand:" We'll go back to Staccato-Kayorei love connection in a bit. Right now let's find them. I call a truce till this matter is solved, in which case we either kill these idiots for ruining our picnic, or congratulate them for saving us from Karasū's horrible recipe..."

Karasū:" Hey!"

Punk nods, and Quint sighs shaking Riff's hand.

Quint:" Okay, truce. Here's what we'll do. You guys search for clues here to Staccato and Kayorei's where abouts while we beam aboard our ship and use our tracker to find exactly where Kayorei is..."

The Six Mercenaries teleport back to their ship, but not until Quint kicks Riff in the shin. Laughter could still be heard as he faded from view.

(Across the world, in a country far, far away...)

The room was dark; in a chair sat a figure. A duck shaped figure. Mega Water S smiled evilly as he looked at the view in front of him. He held a controller in one hand, and watched as many blonde women bounced in super slow motion towards him. Their jiggling bodies moved sensually, and when they almost reached his chair, he hit rewind. The women moved incredibly fast they zipped backwards across the room. He hit play, and they began their endless flaunting march back toward him.

The Hoff appeared next to him, and Mega Water groaned angrily.


Mega Water: "Well, that killed that buzz. What do you want?"

The Hoff smiled, and did a small jig as he pointed to the frozen girls:" Enjoying Bay-Per-View?"

Mega Water stood up, and sat the remote down, as he struggled: "I was... What is it Hasselhoff?"

The Hoff looked hurt, and wiggled his eyebrows as he snapped his fingers. Pictures of the remaining mercs and Fatal Five appeared on the wall behind him. The Toaster's image was that of a cartoon of it drooling blood and eating a baby. Mega Water frowns and grabs up his harpoon.

Mega Water:" So, I'm to stall them until you're ready for them?"

Hoff:" Got it in one."

Hasselhoff forms a lump of metal in his hands, and turns them into a pair of blue metal pants. He smiles innocently, as he hands them over.

Hasselhoff:" Here, take these. They've Ballade's tracker beacon inbedded in the seat. I've the real Ballade trapped in a lead room and she's untracable. Use these to make sure the others don't find me just yet. I want to savor this victory, maybe have a scented bubble bath..."

Mega Water looked at the pants, and doesn't know if he should be aroused or creeped out. He settles on annoyed, and heads out to stall the idiots who got him blown up twice.

Mega Water teleports away, knowing just where he'll hide.

(Well, that was.. pointless, who wanted to know Mega Water was a pervert. Raise your hand. *slaps hand* No you didn't!)

Back to the Marauder. The Mercenaries where preparing for battle, sharpening their buzzsaw haircuts and waxing their staffs. Quint checked the computer as he triangulates the signal of Ballade's tracker. After a while it homes in on a location, and begins beeping. He blinks, and frowns as he sees the schematic of the Hoover Dam appear on the screen. Quint gets into the intercom.


Quint: " Okay everyone. Ballade's being hidden in the Hoover Dam. Ignoring all ethical concepts of calling the police, we're just going to go and blow the damn thing up to get her..."

Naoshi responds from the lower deck's intercom:" Wouldn't that cost us out the ass in collateral damage? I mean, dams are rather expensive. We can't go and give a dam every time someone gets captured..."

Quint shakes his head, and sighs. The puns will be the death of him. As he leaves the station he goes to the teleporters with the rest of them.

Buster Rod smiles, having glued a pair of water wings on the side of the toaster:" In case he falls into the river..."

Punk steps behind Quint, and whispers in his ear:" You might want to take that away from him soon... I mean, he's getting a little weird. I saw him feeding it this morning..."

Quint will deal with that later, as they beam down into the workings of the Hoover Dam.

The cement walls were damp, making the inside of the dam feel like a cave. Hyper Storm frowns and tries to step out of the pooled water around their ankles. The lights flickered on and off spastically, as the menacing low hum of the machinery echoed around them.


Enker:" Yah, this isn't creepy at all. Us. Alone in a deserted dam..."

Quint frowns:" Spread out. If anyone sees Kayorei, wait for reinforcements."

Buster Rod and the toaster went down one hall, while Hyper Storm and Punk took the service elevator to the floors below. This left Quint and Enker to search the tunnels opposite to Buster.

Quint frowns and readies his weapon as they looked into the offices and maintenance tunnels as they passed. He sniffs, and raises an eyebrow.


Quint:" What smells like latex and bad cologne?"

As he said this, the water in the tunnel began to fill as a wave of the sludge smashes into them, knocking both robots off their feet. Enker couldn't soak any energy from the attack, and he ended up slamming his lance into the floor to form a buoy to hang from. Quint grabs at the mercenary's hand, but slips and is taken in the undercurrent down the hall.

The door to the elevator shaft opens, and the waterfall dropped Quint into the death pit. Thinking fast, he used his Sakugarne to propel himself from one side of the shaft to the other, as he wall kicks down to the elevator. It had stopped stories from the bottom, and Hyper Storm and Punk where yelling as the waterfall filled the box up. Quint could hear the counter weight bellow its stress.


Punk:" It's going to snap if we don't get out!"

Quint slams his fist into the wall hard, and hangs from his weapon as he looks down at the elevator. He can't stand on the box to help them up, as his own weight might be what breaks the steel cable it hanged from. Suddenly, the doors below began to whine in protest as Buster Rod pries them open. Punk curls up into a buzzsaw, and tries to roll into the door, but the water made it where he gained no traction. Finally, Hyper Storm grabs Punk and tosses him into the doors. After two more hits, they burst off their hinges, and the two robots jump to safety.

The elevator slams down the shaft, and a loud boop-boop-boop can be heard as it explodes into the spikes placed at the shaft's bottom. Quint frowns, and glares at the trap as he kicks down to the opening. They look around, and then to Buster Rod as he holds two halves of his staff. The elevator had caught it, and shattered it in its plummet. He frowns, and wipes his eyes as he turns and lifts the toaster up.


Buster Rod:" We're going to harm whoever is in here..."

Quint helps the other two as they watch Buster Rod walk away.

Hyper Storm:" Should we stop him?"

Quint:" I don't know, I'm betting if we don't this is going to be hilarious..."

Mega Water was sitting in the control room. His bill was trying to frown as best it could giving the limitations. He watched the monitors as the others had escaped his death trap. He counted.. hey wait.. where was the buttmonkey?

Suddenly the door to the room began to ripple as something slammed against it. It wasn't meant to hold up to any stress, and the wood cracked as Mega Water grabbed his harpoon. A splinter cracked out of the door, and Buster Rod's grinning face appeared in the crack as he lifted the toaster into view.


Buster Rod:" Heeere's toast!"

Mega Water:" That's it? A bad movie ref-"

The door caved in, and knocked the kappa on his ass. Buster Rod strutted in, and sat the toaster down on the counter. The room began to flood as Mega Water regained his senses. He cursed the monkey as he thrusted the spear at his face.

Mega Water:" Now is the Water of your discontent.."

Buster Rod:" How is THAT any better then what I said?!"

Just then the harpoon was cast, and dug into Buster's shoulder. He reeled in, and drug the robot into the water. Mega Water hit him with the butt of the harpoon, as he pulled the hook from his shoulder painfully. The kappa took great glee as the water began to fill with blackened oil. Buster Rod moved to climb onto the control console holding his hurt shoulder as his arm began to turn black.

Mega Water:" Now ,monkey, time to... aw, hell..."

Buster Rod plugged in the toaster to the outlet beside him, and held the machine out in front of him. He smiled as he coughed the line...

Buster Rod:" You're toast, duckie..."

Buster Rod dropped the toaster into the water at Mega Water's feet. The pool became electrified as the robot began to spark.

Mega Water:" YOU Suckkkkkkkkkkzzzzzzzzzztttttt!"

He swayed and fell backwards, defeated. The water lowered as his control faded, until only a small puddle was left. Quint and the others stepped in, and looked at Mega Water. Buster Rod pushed Punk out of his way, and went to the charred toaster.

Buster Rod:" Mega Water! Speak to me!!"

The toaster popped one last time showing a blackened, soggy mess. Buster Rod pulled it out, and it melted into a mushy substance in his hands.

Buster Rod:" Noooooooooooooo!"

Punk touched Buster Rod's shoulder:" He was a brave little toaster, who gave his life to protect you. Do not let his death be in vain, Buster. We'll see him again. In sequels..."

Buster Rod cried on Punks shoulder, as Quint went to Mega Water proper. He picked up the pair of blue pants, and frowned as he sees they're Kayorei's. He pulls the tracker from them, and then a note.

"Message from The Hoff. The Hoff rules, He's unstoppable. But, just because he's such a good sport. He'd like to offer all of you an invite to.. The Hoff's Hofftastic wedding! You all can see his victory when he marries that which destroyed his plans, and by doing so fulfills an ancient legend in which his powers will be Epic! Please remember to dress accordingly, and bring a wedding gift. Something in the Sears department, not Wal-mart. Thanks."

Quint blinks as the recording ends and then explodes, taking the pants with it.


Enker frowns, and raises an eyebrow:" Hey, did he happen to give a location?

Quint looks down at the tracker, and notices it has coordinates scrawled on it. He looks to the kappa, but finds that he's escaped as well.

Quint:" Yes, I know exactly where to go. Get ready. Buster Rod, take Mega Water and go to the Marauder to get repairs. See if he can be fixed too..."

Buster Rod picked up the burnt toaster, and vanishes. The rest of the team ready themselves to enter into the lair of the Hoff...

Somewhere in Germany, deep underground...

The smell of bratwurst and beer was almost unbearable, as Staccato opened an eye. He was hanging from a wall, and he shook his head to clear away the pain. He looked down to see he'd been dressed up in a tuxedo as he looked out. He was in a small room, overlooking a glass window that showed thousands of black wearing ninjas standing in line beneath them. He turned his head to see Ballade.

She was still unconscious, as her head was lax against her shoulder. He blinked, and noticed she was wearing a white wedding dress. Suddenly, the sound of an automatic door opened into the room and he closed an eye, pretending to still be knocked out. In came Hasselhoff who did a well-coreographed boogie as he shimmied into view. He touched Ballade's cheek, and then began air humping to music only he could hear. Staccato pulled on his restraints.


Staccato:" You feind! Thou hast no honor in treating a damsel so poorly. Shame on your family, you cad! Blackguard!"

Hasselhoff:" Well, you're awake! Good, we didn't mean to grab you, but my ninjas made a mistake."

Staccato:" Why am I here?"

Hasselhoff:" To see me rise to godhood. To see the name of the Hoff written in the stars! And because I've already seated you on the guest list at Table E."

Staccato frowned and tried to use his blade to cut the chain, and Hasselhoff claps. The blade became a plastic comb as it's teeth nommed uselessly against the metal. When he looked back to the Hoff, the male was dressed in Greaser garb. He pulled the comb free, and began combing a spiffy black pompadour.

Hoff:" Ayyyyy..."

Staccato:" I am not amused, you flaunting jester. Release me at once..."

Hoff:" Settle down. You're just in time for the big party. Your friends'll arrive soon, and the fun'll begin. There'll be cake. Wait.. can robots eat cake?"

He blows a whistle, and the a magic discoball lowers from the ceiling. He grins, and the shakes his bottom as he continues his monologue...

Hoff:" What we have here is the beginning, my anachronistic android. See, I've found a prophecy that I scratched out some choosen one's name, and wrote mine in its place. Now all I have to do is get married to my enemy, and bam! Profit!"

Staccato blinks, and tried to say something... anything, but the robot was stumped as to how that'd even work. Let alone made sense. Hasselhoff paused, and made a motion like it was Staccato's turn to say something...

Staccato frowns, as he was supposed to make a rebuttal during this pause:" You'll never get away with it?"

The Hoff's face turned red, and he grabbed his crotch. The wall behind him exploded into butterflies, as the discoball shone psychedelic in the open room. The ninjas looked up as disco music flooded the air. They all began to do the Hustle to the groovy beat, as Hasselhoff turns around. The floor beneath the army began to shine with multicolored light panels as he places his hands on a turntable that magically appeared. DJ Hoffman was infact in the house...

Hoff:"Who's the bitchin' Boss? The Main Man? The King Mack Daddy?"

Ninja army:" Hasselhoff!"

Hoff:" Whooo, that's what I'm talkin' bout. The Hoff has set the stage, cranked up the music, got the party started!"

Cheers went up from the ninjas as they danced in the lights. The floor opened up in places and cages came up in the floor as more ninjas appeared in them. They wore the same black outfit as the others, but with multicolored miniskirts, go-go boots, and afros. They began to dance the twist to the funky music...

Hasselhoff pointed back at Staccato, as the music continued without him. He snapped his fingers, and the room returned to normal as if that never happened.


Hoff:" Stealin' bread? That was kid's stuff. I was a villain, and stopped repeatedly by those do-gooder Mercs. Hell, when the war started, I was expecting them to call me to use my powers, my fab gifts. But no, my tour didn't stop, as no one even noticed me since then. So, I found a way to beef up, and I'm having a blast. But now I got to beat feet, cause I know your friends'll come to spoil my fun."

The room went dark as Hasselhoff left, leaving Staccato to hang in silence...
Now a full-time Communist.

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***

Chapter VI: "Savory Sapsago of Victory."
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --


Ten hours later, as the sun begins to sink into the horizon...

Quint frowns, and teleports into a small warehouse. The windows where smashed in, and the dust swirled around him as he stops in the middle of the room. A single light flickered on, and there was Riff standing where he wasn't before. He frowns, and tosses a folder across the floor. Quint nodded, and tossed a folder back. Riff picked up the folder, and opened it, to see the location of where Staccato was being held. Including satellite imagry of the area.


Riff:" Germany?"

Quint nodded, and opened his folder. In it was a crudely drawn picture of the Fatal Five beating the mercs in crayon. It was signed by Warpman.

Quint:" I take it you found nothing.."

Riff frowned a bit, and finally snapped his fingers. The lights came on, and the other three were standing there. They looked upset, but Warpman made a crude motion at Quint, and crushed a crayon underfoot.

Quint ignored it, and sighed:" This is going to be tough. We don't know what the Hoff is up too. But whatever it is, is bigger then anything he's tried before. We need weapons, and we need to prepare. If you lot are really behind the truce, we'll beam you aboard to get ready. All the help we can get at this point. But if you betray us..."

Riff shrugged:" He's got one of ours too, and I'm not going to leave Staccato... He owes me money..."

Quint shakes his head:" I don't trust you, and I know I'm not going to like this... but... come on..."

The five shimmered, and teleported onto the Marauder. Punk was at the teleportation controls trying to get a fix on where to beam into the Hoff's lair. He frowns as he sees the Fatal Five in the chamber, and readies his Screw Crusher. Quint waves him down, and steps out.

Quint:" They're allies for this fight. Everyone to my room, on the double."

Punk gets on the intercom as Quint enters the hallway with the Five. The villians looked around the ship in silent awe at the size and sophistication. Warpman leans over Riff's shoulder.

Warpman:" Why don't we have one of these?"

The group heads towards the dormitories, and the Fatal Five watched crew Joes pass around them. They saluted Quint as he passed, and watched the enemies with a red, unflinching stare. When Quint reached the room lobby, he stopped infront of his room door in the circular chamber. The others slowly poured in, and they stood around the Fatal Five as they watched Quint.

Buster Rod:" Why are we here? Quint never lets anyone in his room..."

Enker:" I know... now shut up..."

Quint coughs, and reaches back as his fingers type in his passcode without looking.

Quint:" It is a secret to everyone..."

The door opens, and they all pile in to see Quint's bed chamber. The room was rather classy as they step onto a persian carpet. There was a large four poster bed, with all the shelves housing a varnished oak finish. There were a few house plants in the corners for character, and a small but elegantly done plasma television above the fireplace. The shelves where full of Gundam models, and on the victorian dresser was the deluxe Zakugarne figure, his prized custom model.

Standing off to one side was a server Joe. It was wearing a black frilled French maids' outfit, and had it's hands crossed infront of it as it held a feather duster to it's apron. The Joe's voice was that of a high pitched young female.


Server Joe:" Welcome home, Mr. Hunter. Is there anything I can do for you? Something to drink?"

The rest of the group was dead silent as they looked from the fema-Joe to Quint. No one knew whether to be creeped out or laugh.

Quint coughed, and looked away:" This is the Captain's chambers, and it was like this mostly when I got here. Wily liked to fly in style."

They look around, as Quint steps in the middle of the room. He turns his attention to the server Joe.

Quint:" Nothing right now. Thank you, Antoinette."

Quint then waits for the room to go silent, and he smiles:" Computer, open toybox."

There was the sound of heavy metal grinding on metal as the walls pushed foward. The bed sank into a hole in the floor as the walls disappeared into some grand machinery. Behind the walls sat stainless steel shelves filled thoroughly with weapons. They where organized into categories, with oldest models to newest in a literal museum of war machines. Quint stepped foward, and removed a large heavy cannon from its well lit case. He turns around, and loads a mini-nuke into the Fatman.

Quint:" Boys and girls.. welcome to my toybox."

Buster Rod cuts in, as he frowns: "Why don't we have anything like this in our room?"

Quint sets the small war crime down to his side, as he coughs and points from Mercenary to Mercenary.

Quint:" Ahem.. video games.. Pocky.. room repairs.. You guys could have this too if you didn't spend all your earnings on junk."

Buster Rod shakes his hands in defeat:" Okay, okay. I get your point. Wait, this is important stuff.. I mean, my projects sometimes.. require room maintenance and a fire control team..."

The rest of them start to spread out as they filled their hands with anything that looked the most deadly. Quint gave suggestions as he walked around, and knives, laser pistols, hand-held chainsaws, and plasma rifles where passed out. Lento hefted a Gatling Laser to his chest, and hugged the thing for a breif moment.

Lento: Unit has acquired more dakka.

Quint smiled, and walked over to Buster Rod as he held out a repaired staff. The monkeybot smiled brightly, and swung it a few times in practice. It's balance was just as he remembered it.

Enker frowns, and looks around at a copy of every Mercenaries weapons on one shelf:" You have this thing for being crazy prepared don't you?"

After a moment, and with the shelves looking far more bare then they were. The nine warriors started to walk towards the teleporters, as the giant cog to Quint's room slides slowly back into place and closes his Vault-tec house themed lair once more.

The hour of battle came closer as the teams beamed down into a weakened point in the enemy base. They raised their various weapons as they readied themselves for combat, but the giant chamber was empty. The mercenaries spread out as they slowly walked around searching for signs of trouble as the lights turned off. The room was pitch black save the torchlight of the Shishkabob Riff was wielding.


The Hoff:" Welcome, welcome. All of your were invited to this great day. The wedding was about to proceed, and you need to settle down as we get this started."

A spotlight shone one a giant wedding cake sitting in the middle of the room. The top of the cake opened up, and Ballade slowly rose from the confectionary prison. Her eyes where still closed as she hovered there in the bright, clean dress. Wires supported her, as she waltzed about the cake without touching it as the Hoff controlled her from the rafters like a marionette puppet. They couldn't see up to shoot him, and Quint grounded his teeth together in rage.

Quint:" Let her go, Hasselhoff. We've come to ventilate you with bullets."

Suddenly the lights appeared, and the group was standing in a ballroom. They were weaponless, and all wearing matching tuxedos as they looked around. The room looked odd, as if they where seeing it through a dream or a blur effect. Tables went on forever, all filled with ninjas. The teams moved to attack, but found their legs didn't work well, and ended up sinking into the carpet as they moved. The tables drifted by them as the group stood in a line infront of a stage.

Hasslehoff appeared with Mega Water as the kappa stepped towards the open bar. The human smiled, and Ballade drifted beside him. He wore a lime green tuxedo as he waited for a ninja dressed up like an orthadox priest to stand before them.

The ninja spoke in garbled german as the mask made speaking difficult. The Hoff sighs, and subtitles appeared in the air above the ninja's head.


Preist Ninja:" Friends and mortal enemies. We have been invited here today to share with David Hasslehoff and Kayorei a very important moment in their lives. In the years they have been together, their hate and malice toward each other has grown and matured, and now they have decided to live their lives together as husband and wife. "

Hoff:" Okay this is boring. Fast foward."

The ninja began to speak as if his lungs filled with helium as the officiant sped throught the wedding ceremony. He stops, and shakes wearily.

Priest Ninja:" Do you, Hasselhoff take this.. robot to be your unlawfully wedded, enslaved bride, to have and to torture from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, in mental sickness, to hate and to scorn; from this day forward until death is her only outlet?"

Hoff:" Why yes, sounds like a party..."

The priest ninja nodded and turned to Kayorei:" Do you, useless mechanical babe take this... Adonis of a man to be your unlawfully wedded, Groom-master, to have and to fear from this day forward, for worse only, for poorer, in physical torment, to beg and to cower; from this day forward until death will be a mercy?"

The string hooked to Kayorei's helm bobbed her head up and down sharply.

Preist Ninja:" Works for me. Do you have the ring?"

Hasselhoff reaches into a pocket, and fumbles around, shrugs, and snaps a finger forming a gold plated collar around Ballade's neck. Both sides curse and yell at him, until he snaps his fingers, and no more sound comes from the lot. The Ninja Preist coughs, and continues.

Priest Ninja: "By the power vested in me by the Hoff himself, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.."

Hasselhoff does a little dance, and leans in. The lights focus on him, a silence forms as nothing moved. Hasslehoff's lips pressed into Ballade's, as the kiss...

Hyper Storm:" Who's side are you on?!"

Dramatic tension, you twit. They suck face. Happy now? As the kiss ends, the rest of the mercenaries and the fatal Five regain their ability to move. They fire on Hasslehoff but as the attacks get within range of him they turn into red roses and shower at his feet. He grins, and walks slowly towards them. Nothing worked against the awesomeness of his improved MSPaint powers. ( Photoshmancy?) Hasslehoff laughed, and it thundered throught the great hall as he floated around.

The Hoff:" I am the Prime Time."

The ninjas began to stand up, and file in as they surrounded the mercenaries. Punk noticed them first, and roared a battle cry as he fired a shotgun into the chest of the first ninja in range. The fight broke out, as Hasslehoff stayed motionless enjoying the entertainment of his victory.

Enker lanced a ninja as his other hand tossed frag gernades. The explosion turned a cluster of black uniforms into red paste. Lento fired the Gatling laser wildly scorching and wounding the opposition as he went.


Lento:" Unit Lento requires ninja to shed tears for a moment of time longer."

Quint frowns, and readies the Fatman, his anger found a target as he fired the small nuke at the wedding cake. The explosion gave the frosting a half-life as it burned the shadow into the wall. He tossed the empty launcher into the head of a ninja that was rushing him, and pulls a plastic tube from his back.

As he walked foward, he fired the railway rifle. The choo-choo cannon of death began bellowing it's call as ninja after ninja dropped with their fatal piercings. Buster Rod runs past him, and jumps into a ball of the ninja as they desperately try to stab the simian. His feet grip two about the head as he strikes those around him with the staff before slamming his footholds together with a sickening crunch.


Buster Rod:" FOR TOASTER!"

The fight was brutal as the robots found their rage washing over countless ninjas. Warpman opens a Warp Gate and fires into it, as the gate releases it's load above the fighting. Numerous poisoned darts rained down, bouncing off the robots but dropping the living. Hyper Storm was swinging a super sledge around him with gleeful abandon. Riff was loving the bazooka as he fired at the feet of ninjas turning them into chunks of meat with its splash damage. Every time they down a ninja, the Hoff resurrects them in the back of the line. After a while they slowly begin to exhaust the Mercenaries ammunition.

They were dragged down kicking and delivering death threats as the ninjas overtook the teams. Finally, The Hoff claps and dons a poorly-illustrated Boba-Fett suit, and fired a shoulder mounted ball of energy to disable the pesky rioters. He drops a cardboard cut-out of the suit as he floats down to them.


The Hoff:" It's over! I won. I'm the man. Oh yah.. I'll be riding in my car whenever I want. You know what? I'm invinci.."

Staccato: "I SAY THEE NAY!"

As he was about to finish his boast, Staccato walks from the small room visible beside the bar. The new-age knight stepped over a pile of litter as he moves over in front of the kneeling robots. He lifts an old, browned scroll up and shows it to Hasselhoff.

Staccato: Though thy power is great, ye have mistaken the wording..." He looks down at the scroll." What ye fail to notice is that not only hath thy power increased in fulfilling this xanatos roulette, but that thy betrothed strength grows in kind..."

Reality shook for a moment, as the strings that make all things strain under the force of Ballade. Her eyes open, and light splinters, playing across every spectrum as if motes dancing to chaos. She stands, and the wires holding her heat white, and form stars as they pass into white dwarves instantly. She looks around for a moment, stunned by what she sees before looking down at the still pristine wedding dress.

Staccato:" I dare say ye two art equal, and she is utterly pissed..."

Ballade:" WHY AM I IN A DRESS?!"

Her voice boomed as the thunderclap blows everything away from her until only she and the Hoff were standing in the middle. She looks at him, and a grim reality sets in as her mind accepts the memory of puppies and wrinkled flesh. She screams, and her unending wrath forms solid around her. The manifesting emotions turn chaos real as she barrels down upon the Hoff. Evolution begins to reverse, as fish learn to tap dance. Music can be tasted, and it was good if not a little fattening. Gasoline became the best toothpaste money could by, and pigs grew helicopter propellers out of their heads. Birds and bees began to form interspecies relations, and the earth turned into julienne fries.

The sun and the moon formed a band, and then sold out. I'm getting a headache, even I can't make out any of this. Let's skip ahead a bit before we all start to talk in gibberish. After what seemed like an eternity crammed with filler and fall previews, the two powerhouses stopped moving. Ballade's chaos splashed against reality, warping and distorting it wildly as Hasslehoff was doing all he could to distract the ebb of unpredictablity away from himself. He was breathing heavily and sweating bullets, which dropped their price down tremendously.


Ballade:" You... you kissed me!"

Hasselhoff:" More like a peck really... "

Ballade:" I WANT A DIVORCE!"

Suddenly, everything stopped for a moment as they where shanding in an underground chamber. The mercenaries found they could move again, and stood up. The numerous ninjas weren't so lucky and stayed laying in piles all over the room. Hasslehoff looked around, and stepped back as Ballade tore the dress off herself with one hand.

Enker:" That's it? It's over, and all she had to do was divorce him?"

Hasselhoff looked around, and spotted the only henchman he still had standing. Mega Water had a small pile of empty shot glasses at his feet as he watched what was happening apathetically.

Hasselhoff:" Mega Water, I choose you!"

The drunken kappa gave the Hoff the bird as he wobbles between him and the Mercenaries. Quint frowns, as he realizes he'd have to fight and possibly destroy the kappa to finish this. Mega Water removed his harpoon, and the others raised their weapons in kind.

Quint:" Stop. Mega Water, what is it you gained from this? Why help him?"

Mega Water blinked, and frowned:" He hasn't gotten me killed twice, and has granted me new powers. More than I had before!"

Quint was thinking quickly now, and moved his hands wide:" Power? Is that all? Alright, Mega Water... If you join back with us, I'll give you unlimited access to the video feed from the women's bathroom security cams."

Mega Water S turned around, and pointed his harpoon at Hasselhoff:" Sounds good to me..."

Hasselhoff and Kayorei: YOU TRAITOR!!!

Kayorei and Quint start arguing over privacy issues, as Hasslehoff sneaks back away from the robots.

Hasselhoff: "Well, since I obviously won't be able to win this... Ciao."

The Hoff snaps his fingers, and rides away on a vespa as he escapes. Riff punches Quint in the head, and points to the escape hatch.

Riff:" He got away, you idiot!"

Quint frowns, and looks around:" Someone revive the ninjas. Riff, go talk to Staccato. "

With the fighting done, they went to try to wake the fallen ninjas. Removing the masks, they find german citizens of various ages and genders as they wake up. Punk yells as he helps one who speaks english, and the male leans against Punk groggily. He was a balding male with large black glasses and a beer gut that the spandex used to magically hide when under the Hoff's power. Now, well ew.. Some people shouldn't wear spandex, period.

Ex-Ninja:" Where am I? Last thing I remember I was standing in front of a club. There was a new guest DJ that night. The Hoffman? Anyways, last thing I remember was getting inside and listening to... something..."

Punk looks to the others and points to the other civilians wobbling around and bumping into things:" They all where like that. Hasslehoff must have been brainwashing these victims with disco music and subliminal messaging for months. Disco is still going in Germany, and Hasselhoff is still a celebrity there, so he had a lot of fans to kidnap..."

The Fatal Five had gathered their belongings, and left with Staccato while the mercs were mopping up the stragglers. Staccato smiled as he walked off with a shishkabob in one hand...

Buster Rod:" So, what now? Hasselhoff must be miles away by now. Do we let him get away?"

Ballade's eyes glowed red:" I. Want. Revenge."

Mega Water S was sitting on the stage watching ther others do their thing. He blinks slowly, and realizes that he backed the wrong horse. He looks down at the harpoon at his side, and grabs it up.

Mega Water:" Well.. I might be able to help. I guess. "

The others listen as the kappa explains his plan, trying very hard to make it not sound as stupid as it actually was. After a moment Hyper Storm cut him off.

Hyper Storm:" You sold out your own team, for Cheese Location? What does that even mean? I mean, I'd have waited till he at least offered something significant. Like super-strength or flight.."

Mega Water frowns, and ignored the pig as he goes about channeling. He could taste the gooey cheesy goodness of the cosmos, as he lifts a hand. The kappa's eyes widen, and they glow pale yellow as an ethreal wedge of cheddar forms above his palm. The wedge spins around a bit, and Mega Water blinks and looks down.

Mega Water consults the reading, and then nods:" The curds tell me what I desire. I have his location..."

The mercenaries beam down to see a Mary Moo's Cheese Factory before them. Mary Moo was the eighteenth top producer of dairy and dairy by-products, though they like to put they're number one on their cartons. Mega Water stopped infront of the building, and the cheese compass rocked in front of it.

Mega Water mutters under his breath: "Hopping Halloumi, We're here..."

Enker:" A cheese factory? You sure this isn't interfering with the locator? I mean, cheese finding more cheese. How does your power work?"

Mega Water blinks, and then tries to explain how it does what it does, but seeing that he doesn't understand it himself, he tries to cover his own ass.

Mega Water:" Limburger's lament! I don't know what it does, all I know is I have it, and it works. Happy now? For romano's sake, just go in and get the guy..."

Everyone looks around at Mega Water, and then begins to laugh heavily. The angered kappa shakes his harpoon at them.

Mega Water:" Suffering Sardo, it's a side effect! I can't help myself. "

Buster Rod tries to talk between laughter:" That... haha... is what you get... hee hee hee... for trusting Hasselhoff to give you powers. I mean... heh... his powers thrive on movie references and bad special effects... *cough* You deserve your Robinisms..."

Ballade wasn't in the mood for fun, and kicks in the door. The heavy metal plates ring out as she walks into the darkened factory. The others stop laughing as they look at each other, and walk in after her.

Mega Water looks down at the compass, as it glows brighter then before:" "I can hear them all... Bountiful Brie, I can hear them all!"

They watch him glide by them, hot on Hoff's trail. The small green man was muttering on how you don't set your gouda next to your cheddars. After a moment, there was a crash, and Hasselhoff was found hiding in a dry locker. The hairy male grinned sheepishly, and then frowned as Kayorei pushed aside the others, and ripped the golden collar off her neck. From... ow... no, just ow. You can't do that with a collar there, and... oh god... I'm going to be sick. Please stand by...

Intermission... it's the intermission. The narrator's away, so you get this filler instead. All hail the intermission...

Hours later, the others were outside. They stopped being able to watch what the small robotic female was delivering on the villian, and I can't blame them. The screaming from inside stopped, and Kayorei walks out with half her armor missing.


Kayorei:" Vengeance is mine!"

Quint goes to ask about the armor, and Kayorei shrugged.

Kayorei:" I ran out of things to stuff into him, so I used my armor. The helm was an interesting fit. I had to remove his spleen and three lumbar to get it in right."

No more questions where asked from then on, as they all beam out onto the Marauder. Never to speak of this again.

On the Marauder...

Mega Water was sitting in the living quarters, looking at the television with a hole in it. He frowns, and decides it's his least favorite thing to watch. Buster Rod was sitting across from him with his arms crossed. Even though the television was busted, he was still angry the kappa was hogging the remote. Suddenly, Punk and Hyper Storm entered the room, as the others followed suit behind them. Mega Water sat up, and blinked at the sudden procession...


Punk:" Here's to a comrade to which we owed our lives. He risked everything, even in the face of our greatest threat this week."

Quint nodded:" I think we owe an apology to a mercenary who went above and beyond the call of duty...

Buster Rod stepped close to see what they had in their hands.

Buster Rod:" Mega Water!"

The kappa blinks, and stood up:" Thank you, thank you. About time you recognized my..."

Buster Rod held aloft a gold plated Toaster. It had the words "Mega Water S. Friend, Partner. Toaster" elegantly engraved on its side. The kappa frowns as he shook in rage.

Mega Water:" Screw you, all of you!"

(Aw, that kooky kappa! Tune in next time when the mercenaries have another spine thrilling, gut wrenching adventure... )

The End.

(Wait.. Wait.. Wait..

Actually, you know something that bothered me? He never showed the Kool-Aid Man in this entire epilogue, when Hoff and that idiot pitcher where obviously in cahoots. We had a cheap immitation, darn it. Let's go find out what happened. Narrator powers, ho!)

Far away, in the depths of the ruined ancient temple of Fo'chani.

A living glass jug of red fluid was moving slowly down a stone corridor. The Kool Aid Man held up a torch, and the fire shown crude scrawlings of debacherous acts, and the insults of the ancient race of trolls that used this temple to their nefarious deeds.


Kool-Aid Man:" 'Go get the secret artifact, Koolsy.' Who does he think I am? A lackey?"

???: ... firin'...

The Kool Aid Man swings the torch around, as he tries to find where the voice was coming from. The light goes out, and he's left standing in the dark. Panic begins to creep up the villian's neck as he puts up his fists.

Kool-Aid Man: Wha...? Who's there?

???: ... mah LASERS!

Kool-Aid Man: OH NOOOOO!!!

A bright flash of light engulfs the powdered drink mascot until all was silent...

Tune in next time, children!


---------------------

WRITER'S NOTES

And here's how Season 4 would have kicked in : with the arrival of a new Mega Water.

Supposedly, the following Ep would have involved the Mercs fighting alongside the Hoff against a Shoop Da Woop-possessed Kool-Aid Man. I can't make this stuff up, people.
Now a full-time Communist.

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Sean
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I have one comment that must be said. You guys had the weirdest rogues gallery. That is all.
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Hunter_Chameleon
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Coming from the guy whose Team confronted the crew of Big Rock Candy Mountains, Claude Pertwee and the Met King, that's a weird observation to do. =P But yeah, the Hoff and the Kool-Aid Man are quite silly.
Now a full-time Communist.

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Hunter_Chameleon
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The Communist Merc
And here's the final part of the ride !

Considering this Epilogue featured the new Hyper Storm (Brad, aka Techokami), it might have been either late Season 4, or Season 5.

SEASON 4 EPILOGUE ?

Better RED than dead !

(It's one of those few days in Henry's life where the Hideout is closed. He has been invited by the Mercs on his day off.)

Henry : ... And then Golemman punched the snot out of this guy ! Man, this table was dirty for weeks afterwards.

Iga : Yeah, I remember. I think there is still the mark of his knuckles.

Hunter : Heh. And how about -?

SFX : *DRIIIING !*

Hunter : Damn. Sorry for this, Henry, but it's the job.

Henry : No problem. I know how it is.

Hunter : *picks up* Seven Mercs here. Who's on the line ?

??? : My name is of no importance. What is important is my offer.

Enker : Hmm. What is it ?

??? : My ... company makes a regular use of hired professionals. And sadly, our most regular agents have taken the opportunity to stab our backs the day of a crucial mission.

Shinobu : Okay, stop it. We have fallen for this kind of situation once, and we don't want to go on a genocide mission again.

Kayorei : So, unless you reveal more details, like who you are, or your offer, I'm afaraid this conversation will be over.

??? : Hmph. I get stuck with the bottom of the barrel, I see. Fine.

(On the screen reveals itself a smoking woman ... well, past her prime.)

??? : You can call me ... the Administrator.

Maggots : And Administrator of what ?

Administrator : Of a company named the "Reliable Excavation & Demolition", though 'Reliable' is still under debate. We have some ... quarrels with a rival company, the Builders League United.

Brad : Quarrels that need mercs ?

Administrator : Building business is a harsh world. Regardless, our intelligence agents have discovered that BLU's goons will attack our most recent sites ... the day our hired guns decide to go on strike ! *snaps her cigarette-holder*

Hunter : You want us to replace them for the day.

Administrator : At least you have more brains than the whole of these traitors put together. I assure you, you will be paid accordingly to your efforts.

Shinobu : You want us to kill them ?!

Administrator : They know the risks.

Hunter : I don't think we're gonna join in this, miss.

Administrator : Oh, dear me. I seem to have forgotten one detail ... *pushes a button ; screen displays many, many weapons, all finely crafted* These items will be lent to you on the duration of your mission. And who knows, if you are satisfying enouh, we may forget to ask you to give them back ...

Hunter : *eyes wide* Is that an Ambassador ?! I thought there were only two left in the world !

Administrator : *smirks* And yet, at RED, we have two crates of them.

Hunter : Well, I believe there is nothing wrong with working along with RED, right ? They need the help of professionals, after all.

Kayorei : *shrugs* Why not.

Naoshi : But you better not try any weird stuff on us, or there will be hell to pay.

Administrator : I assure you, nothing will happen ... as long as you don't fail. *sends teleporting datas* You will join someone from RED here. *screen switches off*

Hunter : Well, Henry, interested in coming with us ?

Henry : Heh, I needed to practise my shooting anyway.

(After a succesful teleportation to "indistinct place, North America"...)

Shinobu : Looks quite pleasant here. Some sort of 50s feeling.

Hunter : Right here with you, pal.

? : So you are the sissies that call themselves mercenaries, huh ?

(The team turned at once to observe a red clad, soldier-looking individual running at them ... with a rocket launcher in hand.)

RED Soldier : The Administrator warned me of your coming here, and asked me to go and babysit you poetry-reciting fairies until the end of the day !

Naoshi : Ehm ... Aren't you on strike ?

RED Soldier : Well, yeah, just like the others. But it is the most honorable thing to do for a man to fight rather than go and protest against lack of food and decent beds ! Just like Sun-Tzu said.

Iga : I'm ... sure I didn't remember that in my Sun-Tzu.

RED Soldier : Hah ! He said that right after defeating the hatless Scots during the Pants uprising of 1515 ! He was in awe at their improvised weapons made of spoons and bed furnitures, you see. So keep that in mind, boys !

Mercs : o_o

Maggots : (I thought you had dropped working for crazies.)

Hunter : (Me too.)

RED Soldier : Now join me to the barracks, lads ! We need to dress you up for the upcoming fight. And if you know what's good for you, that won't include those silly New York-styled baggy pants and phones, but reliable guns !

(As they moved out, they came across the rest of RED, manifesting under the command center. To no avail.)

RED Heavy : More rubles ! Less trouble !

RED Sniper : Stop the backstabbin', fella !

RED Demoman : I dinnae got me two eyes anymore, but I can see the problem better than ye harpy !

RED Soldier : (passing near the group of seven) Maggots. Better to fight and die than whine for beds !

RED Medic : Ve need beds to be prepared for dee fighting, Dummkopf !

RED Soldier : Hah ! You won't use your silly logic against me, Kraut ! I won't trust anyone who passed the Hypocritic Oath !

RED Medic : Zat was zee Hippocratic Oath, Schweinhund ! ... und it vas more of a Suggestion.

Kayorei : (to the Mercs) ... I ... suppose we can't do worse a job than them.

(In the barracks...)

RED Soldier : In order to prepare to fight, you must know your enemies ! As Shakespearicles said before inventing the rocket jump, "knowing is half the battle "! And if you learn more, then you have already won !

(That flow of logic certainly defeated our Mercs.)

RED Soldier : So here is this bunch of BLU maggots ! *presses a button*

(And on the screen appears a pic of the BLU Team, that looks suspiciously like the RED Team ... only clad in blue.)

Brad : ... I think you show us the wrong pic. And have a problem of color.

RED Soldier : Huh ? You MacCarthyist socialist, that IS the BLU Team !

Naoshi : Then how come you and them look so much alike ?!

RED Soldier : How can we look alike ? We're dressed in red, and they're dressed in blue ! Duh ! Even the Pyro knows that !

? : *breaks in* *angrily* Hrmffph !

Maggots : That's your Pyro ?

RED Soldier : Yyup ! He doesn't say much, but he's got his heart in the right place, and the finger on his trigger. I don't think he actually follows the strike, but he helps us roasting some ribs.

RED Pyro : *happily waves his flamethrower*

RED Soldier : And he'll help us make a barbecue out of those unwashed, blue-coloured soldiers of fortune !

Iga : Err ... Glad to be working with you, sir.

RED Pyro : *glares at Iga and aims this flamethrower at him*

RED Soldier : Now you wait, gasboy ! They're not official RED members yet ! You can't do that yet.

RED Pyro : *slaps his forehead and puts his flamethrower away*

Naoshi : And what, precisely, is that ?

RED Soldier : Put on these shirts, first. *hands them seven RED shirts*

Kayorei : ... So many Trekkie jokes come to my mind. *puts on one anyway, soon followed by the other six Mercs*

RED Soldier : You all done ? Good ! *pulls a shotgun and fires point blank in Brad's face*

Brad : EEEYYAAAAGH !!! *opens his eyes* Hey. I'm alive - and fine !

RED Soldier : Yeah, those penpushers at R&D do some good work once in a while. Mind you, had you been that wretched croissant-scarfing BLU Spy, this would have put a hole in your cover - and in your face, too.

Henry : And the role of the Pyro in that ?

RED Soldier : He does that thing called "spy-checking". You know, to check if you are a Spy.

Hunter : (Duh.)

RED Pyro : *sets the Soldier on fire*

RED Soldier : *unscathed* See ? No horrible burning. I'm a true RED !

Kayorei : (Oookay ... one hell of a long day...)

RED Soldier : Now, your weapons... *points at the BLU picture* Currently, we are missing those guys : Scout, Medic, Heavy, Engineer, Demoman, Spy and Sniper. Do you think you are cut for any job more complex than making some tea and crumpets, you weekend warriors ?

Iga : I'm quite good with a wrench. *gets handed Engineer gear and a book* "Building with a wrench for Dummies". Worth a read.

Henry : *shrugs* I'm a Sniper Joe, so ... *receives a sniper rifle* Heh, like the old days.

Brad : I'm the biggest and strongest of the group. *grabs a Minigun* If this baby packs as much as it weights, these BLU guys are goners !

Maggots : I want to blow some stuff up. *hoards a pair of grenade launchers* Now we're talking.

Kayorei : I'm fine with being the healer. *grabs a syringe gun, a bonesaw and a weird weapon* I like the self-defense aspect, though.

Hunter : So, what's left ?

RED Soldier : Well, there's the stash from that cheese-munching Spy. I for one don't think hiding and disguising is how a real man fights, but then again, some are not born manly enough to join the Army. Also, if one of you guys is really fast, he can have the stuff of that paperboy Scout.

Hunter : I'll take that. *grabs a knife and a few gadgets*

Naoshi : *shrugs* I'm quite the runner, I think. *receives a bat and a scattergun* Equilibrated, I see.

Shinobu : Err, and, what about me ?

RED Soldier : I have a spare rocket launcher if you want. You seem strong enough for rocket jumping.

Shinobu : Fine with me.

Hunter : *as he and the Mercs ready themselves* So, what IS the mission ?

RED Soldier : A simple one, maggots ! We are to stop BLU's delivery.

Shinobu : Oh, fine. ... And what kind of delivery is it ?

RED Soldier : Just an atom bomb. To blow up our missile silo.

Mercs : Alright. ... o_o WHAAAAAAT ?!?

RED Soldier : What’s yer problem, maggots ?

Iga : It’s … actually … when you think … I give up. Let’s go and get this over with. (And pray we’re still around).

RED Soldier : Here is where we’ll fight. Pyro ?

RED Pyro : *brings a map*

RED Soldier : Aaaalright. As you see the cart will follow this path to here. We have to delay it for as long as possible. Any questions, green-horned worms ?

Naoshi : Several, actually.

RED Soldier : *ignores him* Let’s go, then ! I guess I can give advices to you newbies. *points to Iga* You, m’boy, should build a teleporter from our base to as close to the cart as you can. And a good old sentry to show them who’s boss.

Iga : Sounds logical.

RED Soldier : And you, m’lady, should start healing us all. It’ll come in handy, trust me.

Kayorei : Hmm. *uses the Medigun on Brad* What’s that charge, here ?

RED Soldier : *grins* A good surprise for ‘em BLU boys.

Hunter : I’m sure we’ll be able to manage the rest. We have a bit of experience with urban fighting.

Mercs, minus Brad and Maggots : *nod somberly*

RED Soldier : Fine. The doors will open soon. Get ready, squad !

SFX : *doors open*

Administrator : Mission begins in 90 seconds.

RED Soldier : Go ! Go ! Go !

(Immediately, the Mercs and friends rushed to ideal spots for them…)

Henry : *hides in a tower with the BLU entrance in sight* Ready when you are.

Iga : Alright. Teleporter entry going up ! *lays down a box and starts whacking it with his wrench ; it starts deploying* Huh, quite easy.

RED Soldier : And don’t forget to refill your ammo, boys ! You’ll need it !

Maggots : Alright, so how do these guns work ? *fires a grenade* Okay, that I got. *switches to the other weapon ; fires a sticky bomb* A second trigger ? *The sticky detonates* Heh, cool. *stares at the BLU entrance and grins widely* I love this mission already.

Hunter : *hides in a corner close to the BLUs* Can’t spoil my cover yet. Tell me when it starts.

Kayorei : *hiding behind Brad, healing him* I think it will be quite loud.

Naoshi : So, we’re both in the charge squad, right ?

RED Pyro : *shakes head* Hrmm hudda humph. *points at his flamethrower and twirls an imaginary mustache*

Naoshi : Aaaah. We need to be careful.

RED Soldier : Follow me, boy ! *jumps and detonates a rocket at his feet ; flies away and lands on a building* Heh. I didn't need my ankles anyway.

Shinobu : O-kay. * imitates his mentor*

Administrator : 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 !

(And so, the mission begins ! The BLUs immediately rush out of their base, only to be greeted by volleys of bullets and explosives !)

Maggots : Hah ! Take THIS ! *fires more grenades*

Iga's Sentry : *targets the BLUs*

BLU Soldier : Augh ! *exploes due to rocket fire*

RED Soldier : Heh, maggot.

(It seems like they stopped the BLUs, until...)

BLU Medic : Releasink Übercharge !

BLU Heavy : INCOMING !!

Henry : *headshots BLU Heavy* It doesn't work ! We're getting stomped !

RED Soldier : That's the Übercharge, boys. Prepare to withdraw.

Kayorei : Not if I can do something about it.

(As she was about to release her 'Charge on Brad...)

SFX : SNIKT !

BLU Spy : *reveals himself, surrounded by REDs* Gentlemen ?

RED Pyro : *burns BLU Spy to death*

BLU Spy : Merde ! *dies burning*

Naoshi : Kayorei, no !

RED Soldier : She'll be fine, lads. Give it a handful of seconds.

Hunter : But, but ... how ... ?

Kayorei : Hey, I'm back at the HQ. What just happened ?

Shinobu : I think we just understood the rules.

Hunter : *grins evilly* Time to play by them... Alright, pull back !

Iga : *grabs his Sentry and carries it away* So, what's the plan ?

Hunter : Secure the next checkpoint. I have some work to do...

(Meanwhile, at BLU...)

BLU Scout : Yeah, man ! We showed 'em who rules, or what ?

BLU Heavy : RED mercs looked different. Intel said they were on strike !

BLU Demoman : Bah, they's just found some cheap replacement. We'll beat them like a haggis... *downs his bottle and burps*

BLU Engineer : You go an' move that warhead to the checkpoint, pardners. I'm finishin' some technical revision here and I'm with you in a nanosec.

(After they're gone...)

BLU Engineer : Better get ready ta move that teleporter exit... *whips out a remote control*

BLU Pyro : Hudda hudda huh.

BLU Engineer : What's the issue, pal ?

BLU Pyro : *mimicks a knife*

BLU Engineer : Oh, yeah. Go on, then. I wouldn't want that backstabbin' sonovagun to heart my beauties. *chuckles* Dispenser is right here.

BLU Pyro : *nods, and walks to the Dispenser*

SFX : BZZZT !

BLU Engineer : Spy's sappin' mah dispenser ! *looks suspiciously at the BLU Pyro*

BLU Pyro : *runs towards an invisible target, firing his flamethrower, shaking his fist and yelling*

BLU Engineer : They must'a found a crafty replacement...

BLU Pyro : *walks behind the Engineer and prepares his fist* ...

SFX : SCHLAKT !

BLU Pyro : *removes his fist from Engineer's ruined torso, and touches his wrist, revealing...*

Hunter : Hm. He got blood on my drill. Better get going before paying the Sniper a visit... *pulls out more Sappers*

(Back at RED…)

RED Soldier : Watch out, boys ! Heavy and Medic at 1 o’clock ! Remember the plan ?

RED Pyro, Naoshi and Henry : *nod*

RED Soldier : Aaaalright ! *charges at the duo, firing rockets* YAAAAAH !!!

BLU Heavy : Rocket-firing baby charging ! *activates his minigun*

BLU Medic : Releasink my Übercharge !

RED Soldier : Now ! *gets mauled by the minigun*

RED Pyro : Hudda-hum ! *switches a dial on his flamethrower, and aims at the Medic*

(Instead of a stream of fire, it was an airblast that threw the Medic off the ground, and severed the link with his teammate)

BLU Medic : Vas is zat ?

(And just as he landed, his Übercharge ran off.)

Henry : *aims at the Medic’s head* Boom. *headshot*

BLU Heavy : MEEDIIIC !! *fires wildly*

Naoshi : Can’t have him ruining our base, right ? *starts running around the Heavy and batting him*

BLU Heavy : Tiny man too fast for bullets ! *drops his minigun* Time for fists. *punches Naoshi*

Naoshi : Manners, you. *caves in Heavy’s skull*

RED Pyro : Hudda ! *high-fives Naoshi*

Shinobu : Bad news, guys, they’re coming with the wagon.

Maggots : We delayed them alright, but they still have a few people walking. And they’ll be back soon, anyway.

Kayorei : *heals Naoshi* Okay, fall back. Iga, move the teleporter.

Iga : *back at the previous checkpoint* Alright. *grabs a remote, and detonates the teleporter exit* Teleporter coming right up.

Hunter : *walks in* Hi.

Iga : Oh, Hunter. How did it go ?

Hunter : …

Iga : Hunter ?

Hunter : Ah, yes. I got them all. Now, I’ll watch your back. We can’t be too careful about that Spy.

Iga : You said it.

(As he begun to build a new teleporter exit, Iga gripped on his wrench and …)

SFX : KLUNG !

Hunter : Ow ! What was that for ?

“Hunter” : *walks in too* Hi, Iga - *spots the other Hunter, pulls out his pistol and shoots him in the head*

Hunter : *falls to the ground, revealing the BLU Spy*

Hunter : Good thinking.

Iga : Yeah, my boss forgetting his name sounded a bit suspicious.

Henry : They're arriving ! They're - *BLAMM!*

Shinobu : Rocket.

Maggots : *covers the railroad with sticky bombs* Ready when you are.

Kayorei : *aims her healing beam on Brad* Ditto.

Iga : *whacks his Sentry for a final repair* It's on.

BLU Team : Let's go !

(It was a carnage. Maggots' stickies detonated one after the another and sent the BLU teammates fly away, easy targets for rockets and Sentry shots. Those that survived were easy clean-up for the Ubercharged trio of Kayorei, Brad and his Minigun.
But sadly, despite Naoshi's, Hunter's and Pyro's best efforts at lowering the next assault, it was too much. The RED force was being pushed back, meter by meter, to its retrenchments until the final checkpoint...)

Naoshi : Here they come ! Henry and Maggots are slowing them down, but it's a matter of minutes.

Hunter : This is the end, right ?

Iga : Sounds like it.

Brad : Being a Merc was cool, guys. Thanks for all.

Henry and Maggots : *walk out of the respawn point*

Maggots : Final stand. *stickies up the place*

RED Soldier : Colleagues, fellow soldiers ... it has been an honor.

RED Pyro : *salutes the Mercs*

Mercs : *ready themselves*

(Wow, that really looks epic. That would be a good closure, you know.)

??? : YAAAAAH !!

??? : Defend zee point, schweinehunds !

(The rest of RED went out of its strike !)

RED Demoman : Leave th' fine work ter real pros, laddies !

RED Heavy : Itsy bitsy BLU babies are dying !

(With the upcoming reinforcements, BLU had no choice but to yield ! The day is saved !)

Hunter : Well, it was fine working for you. I guess we'll go now...

RED Spy : No so fast. We have no use for copycats like vous.

RED Soldier : Now, stop it here, crouton ! I can assure you these lads are worthy of being mercenaries. Unlike some cheese-eating coward I know...

RED Sniper : C'm'on, mates, we are professionals, with standards. Do we really have a use for robots replacing us ?

RED Engineer : Nothin' they do can't be done better by one of my beauties.

(The bickering went on, until...)

RED Pyro : Hudda humpf !!

RED and Mercs : *turn to the Pyro*

RED Pyro : *begins a long speech made of various grunts, onomatopeias, and eloquent gestures*

(This goes for several minutes.)

RED Pyro : Hudda. *crosses his arms*

RED Soldier : *starts clapping*

RED : *joins in the clapping*

Mercs : *follow*

RED Medic : *sniff* Zat vas beautiful.

RED Soldier : I knew you were a good recruit, you little pyromaniac, you !

Henry : *to Brad* (Did you get what he said ?)

Brad : (Not one bit.)

RED Medic : Ve vish to apologize, dear freunds. Come to zee arsenal.

(And, behind the lockers of the team... weapons. Hunderds - thousands of them !)

Mercs : o_o

RED Demoman : Take one o' every weapon, pals. It's our gift to yer.

Naoshi : Woah, thanks.

Hunter : *after everyone has picked up everything they could hold* We'll get going. See you around, fellows !

RED Pyro : Hudda hudda ! *gives a top hat to every of the Mercs*

RED Soldier : Before you go, I want this to be made clear : each and everyone of you deserves a medal ! *pins a medal on every Merc* Now, fare well ! *salutes*

(And so, everything ended well : RED had saved their base, the Mercs fulfilled their mission, and got paid handsomely too, and Henry had a fun day off ! Yet...)

RED Heavy : So. Today's program ?

RED Scout : We're attackin' that BLU scumbags' base ! We'll show 'em who's boss !

RED Soldier : Let's give 'em hell !

(... some things never end.)

***

The end.

---------------
WRITER'S NOTES

The Epilogue was written around 2010, so waaaaaay before the Mann vs Machine update (where the TF2 crew fights against robotic copies). Just a funny coincidence.
Now a full-time Communist.

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Hunter_Chameleon
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Would you believe it ? It's the Mercs' 10th anniversary !

To this occasion, Naoshi has been working on an episodic game based on our Eps. A downloadable teaser, and more information here.
Now a full-time Communist.

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Sean
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Wow, this was certainly a surprise. How is Naoshi doing (along with anyone else if still in contact with them)?

Also are the epilogues you posted here going to get uploaded to the website then?
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Gauntlet101010
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You mean there's an update from some other team!? Madness!

I'll give it a look at some point, but you may consider making the game page more impressive. Like adding some screenshots or a small youtube vid.
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Naoshi
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Gauntlet101010,Aug 8 2016
08:14 AM
You mean there's an update from some other team!? Madness!

I'll give it a look at some point, but you may consider making the game page more impressive. Like adding some screenshots or a small youtube vid.

Yep, that's in the plans! This was just a quick update because I had little time to prepare for much else, even the cutscene is very unfinished given how bland and ugly Wily's lab looks right now.

As for the site itself, I might poke Kayorei and see if we can have a brand new site layout. It feels very outdated right now and there's a lot of visual nitpicks I have for it. Might even see if we can get a Game page as its own tab instead of residing in "Stuff".


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Wow, this was certainly a surprise.  How is Naoshi doing (along with anyone else if still in contact with them)?

Also are the epilogues you posted here going to get uploaded to the website then?

I've been doing well!

And that's a good idea actually. Gives me content to look forward to adding.
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Sean
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Glad to hear things are going well. Out of curiosity, what engine or language are you using for the game?
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Naoshi
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JKFLGADGDKAGHGAKHGAGHKAD? skjfsdjdgsd! :)
Sean,Aug 12 2016
12:47 AM
Glad to hear things are going well.  Out of curiosity, what engine or language are you using for the game?

ClickTeam Fusion 2.5 is the program I use. Dunno if I can really call it an engine? Maybe it does count as one but you can pretty much do almost everything within the 2D gaming realm. It's relatively an accessible program compared to most but still requires a lot of skill and ambition to get far with things.

Their default platforming engine, default control scheme setup and so on are garbage though, but useful for beginners if you ever want to check that out. But since I want to create high quality content, I program the platforming engine and many other things from scratch in that program.

Fortunately I can use Prototype N's (my major indie project) engine into this game since they both share plenty in common. So I somewhat already have the gameplay 75% "ready".
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Naoshi
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JKFLGADGDKAGHGAKHGAGHKAD? skjfsdjdgsd! :)
We've moved to a new domain:http://7mercs.pro/

Unfortunately most of the pages aren't working for some reason :/ Must be an issue with the .htaccess file. I'll have to ask our Hyper Storm H about it tommorow.

Also, I don't think I've ever announced this here, but the team is going to be rebooted. Meaning, we're starting over from the first epilogue and we're real excited at what we have to bring to the table. A brand new site layout is being planned too! I cannot say when this will all be ready, we're still kind of in the early stages, but we've managed to get some new members and the whole team is alive again.

Also I've been kind of contributing to the Mega Man Teams wiki, even though it's kinda dead? lol
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Gauntlet101010
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Wow, actual progress! Nice!

So, why the big move to a new server?

The wiki's dead? Well ... I mean yes and no. I've been the only one interested in it in years, so in that respect it is. And it hasn't been updated in a meaningful way in a long time. But that's because I don't want spoilers. It's one series behind the active one. I just don't have any more I care to add to it at this point.

So it's less dead and more ... "complete." At least for my own interests.

So, rebooting all your older eps? I guess I can see where you're coming from. A lot of older stories from anyone tend to be .... bad. What are you gonna do with that epilogue posted here int he forums a logn ways back? Or the replaced eps? Tossed in the dustbin of history?
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Naoshi
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Gauntlet101010,Jul 10 2017
08:37 AM
Wow, actual progress!  Nice! 

So, why the big move to a new server?

The wiki's dead?  Well ... I mean yes and no.  I've been the only one interested in it in years, so in that respect it is.  And it hasn't been updated in a meaningful way in a long time.  But that's because I don't want spoilers.  It's one series behind the active one.  I just don't have any more I care to add to it at this point.

So it's less dead and more ... "complete."  At least for my own interests. 

So, rebooting all your older eps?  I guess I can see where you're coming from.  A lot of older stories from anyone tend to be .... bad.  What are you gonna do with that epilogue posted here int he forums a logn ways back?  Or the replaced eps?  Tossed in the dustbin of history?

Long story short: Weird FTP shit happened after holenet's host got fucked up, we ended up changing domain. Despite that, we're still hosted by holenet. The new domain is super cheap too! All worked out in the end.

As for the old epilogues, we're going to archive the entire old site. Not really a fan of trashing years worth of work tbh! I'm a big archivist if... that's how you put it? 🤔

And the lost epilogues Hunter has posted, I'm thinking of releasing them on the old site sometime down the road, along with other lost epilogues that were never posted in public. Don't know when I'll do that since I'm very focused on the reboot.
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