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It Doesnt Matter What I Feel - Part Two; Story by OBSESSED WITH SIMONE
Topic Started: May 27 2006, 09:47 PM (2,205 Views)
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It doesnt matter what i feel - part two - Story by OBSESSED WITH SIMONE

Well those of you that know OWS & Myself, should know that we would never leave it there, after all we've only told you half the story!

Hope you enjoy!


Chapter 21



As Helen melted into the angel’s warm embrace she realised that “THE END” had finally come, the end to her life on earth and all of the torment she had experienced, for once she was able to relax in her mothers’ arms knowing that nothing bad was to happen to her again. Throughout her life on earth her dreams had been haunted with images of death and hell, while her waking hours we bombarded with memories of the torture and abuse she had suffered at the hands of her father.

She could not believe that she had made it to heaven, finally reunited with her loving mother who had tried in vain to protect her all those years ago. At the time killing her father was her only option, however she had been convinced that God would punish her one final time and send her straight to hell, her fear of hell had haunted her conscience for her whole life. Her father was a minister, he justified all of the pain and abuse he inflicted by saying it was God’s will, that she deserved it as a punishment for being evil. As a child she had believed it, her faith in God was so strong, why should she doubt the words of her father, a man of God? Even after she had killed him those thoughts still lingered on, Helen truly believed that she was evil, she had tried all of her life to try and redeem herself, save herself from being condemned to an eternity in hell.

Helen had mixed emotions about her father, she was confused, her mind was in turmoil with all of the things he had said during the first twelve years of her miserable life. Not many people would call it a life, she hadn’t really lived; only existed, her sole purpose to be tortured and punished by her father. In Helen’s mind there had to be a reason for this, surely God would not have let her suffer if she was not evil, not sent from the devil like her father insisted.

It no longer mattered; she was now safe, returned to her mother’s arms. As Helen let her mind drift, the angel gently extracted herself from her daughters embrace. Helen looked at her mother in confusion, the angels’ lips were moving but she could not hear what was being said. Instead her thoughts drifted to Nikki, her soul mate who she had left behind, the only person who had loved her, but would she still love her now she knew the truth? Well some of it anyway. That’s why she had ended her life, she was so afraid that Nikki would reject her now that she finally knew what Helen was. Helen could not face Nikki, could not bear to tell her the truth, she had so desperately tried to bury the feelings of shame and guilt that invaded her mind. Helen had tried to push them away, to pretend it had never happened, it was Megan that had suffered, not Helen.

Suddenly a feeling of shock and panic shot through her body, as the realisation hit her that not only would Nikki no longer love her, but instead that love would probably be replaced with hatred. Nikki would not understand why she had ended her life, and more importantly why she had killed her father. The only other person who knew the truth was Thomas, he didn’t hate her, but that was because he understood the reasons why. Thomas was the only person she had opened up to, the only person that she had revealed her terrible secrets to, since she was forced to do so after her fathers death.

Helen felt a gentle force pulling her backwards, the silver cord that had gently flowed behind her on her journey to heaven was now taught, it was pulling her backwards, taking her away from the angels embrace. Strangely Helen did not panic, instead she felt relief as a warm sensation flooded her body, she realised she had been given another chance.

As she felt her body being drawn backwards through the tunnel she had recently travelled, Helen finally understood what her mother was saying “GO BACK TO HER, IT’S NOT YOUR TIME” with these words a feeling of happiness and joy invaded her body, she was returning. She was going to be reunited with her one true love; Nikki. Helen’s happiness was soon replaced with feelings of guilt and trepidation; what if Nikki still hated her, what if she couldn’t bring herself to really explain everything that had happened to her, or even worse she told Nikki everything, opening herself up once again to the feelings of shame an unworthiness only to be rejected, by the look of scorn and disgust on Nikki’s face?

As she approached her body, she glanced around realising that Helen was no longer sprawled on the bathroom floor surrounded by a pool of her own blood, instead she was lying in a bed. It was then that Helen realised she was no longer in her own home, her body had been transferred to a hospital bed, she could hear beeping noises and the gentle hum of the equipment connected to her body by a series of wires and tubes that fought to keep her alive. Helen took in her full surroundings; it appeared she was in an intensive care ward, there were several other beds containing lifeless bodies. She looked back to her own bed, her skin looked a deathly shade of grey, she had deep hollows under her eyes. Helen could hear gentle weeping, accompanied by a murmur “Helen please come back to me, it’s not your time to go”, it was then that she realised she was not alone, her hand was being held by a crumpled bundle on the floor, the deflated soul of Nikki.



Hope you enjoyed it, there is more to come as OWS is writing the next chapter shortly.

Any feedback welcome, thanks Down the Block



Joined: 03 Jun 2005
Posts: 49
Location: Winchester




obssesdwithsimone Posted: 05 Jul 2005 03:26 pm

Chapter 22


The sobbing continued to invade Helen's senses, slowly she could feel herself coming round and all she wanted to do was go back, go back to her mum where she felt safe. Helen could feel her eyes opening, her body was ignoring what her heart wanted her to do, she could feel her self being pulled towards the sounds of Nikki, as if by some invisiable string and she could feel herself playing a game of tug of war with this string. But Helen lost the battle and slowly her eyes opened, her hand gently squeesing the women by her side.

Nikki knew she should be trying to hold herself together, she had to be strong, for Helen's sake. But so many thoughts and fears were running through her mind. What if she lost Helen? What would she do? Nikki really did not know how she could survive were she to lose her, she knew life really would be worth nothing.

She thought it strange that she had managed to cope in the past without Helen but now the thought of losing her made Nikki feel such despair. Thats what soul mates do to you, she supposed, you think life is good untill you meet the one and once you have meet them you can not imagine how you were ever happy before, and the thought of losing and living without that person is unbearable.

Nikki begged and pleaded for Helen to return, the only image she had was of her lying lifeless on the bathroom floor, then in the hospital, so unresponsive, as if her body was there but her soul was gone. Nikki knew it she could feel it, she was looking at Helen but the women she loved was not there. Nikki could no longer bear to look she had to turn away, and it was not untill she felt the gentlest squeeze on her hand did she dare look at Helen.

Their eyes locked, green met brown, Nikki had never in her whole life been so happy to see those eyes, ones she thought she had lost forever and would never look into again.

''Oh God baby your awake. Thank God your awake''

Nikki was so over come with emotion she bent down to the bed and kissed her lover, but soon moved away when she felt no respose from her Helen.

''I'm sorry sweetheart, i'm just so happy that your awake, i really thought i had lost you.''

Helen managed to respond with a small smile, but Nikki noticed that it did not quite reach her eyes, she did not worry to much about it however, after what she had been through what did Nikki really expect.

Helen looked to Nikki and saw how happy she was, but as much as she loved this woman all she could feel right now was resentment. Nikki was the reason Helen had been pulled from her Mother once again, her Mother had sent her back, to Nikki. Helen could feel her soul being once again drawn towards Nikki but also away from her Mother away from safety. Helen knew her Mother would never judge her, or hate her, she wanted to stay there, once again the fears of what Nikki would think of her came back and Helen knew she could not bear for Nikki to hate her, she couldn't do it.

Nikki looked at her lover, she could see the thoughts running through her mind, but for once did not know what she was thinking.

''I'll go and get the doctor baby.'' Nikki leaned down gently kissed Helen on the lips. ''I love you''

Nikki had been waiting outside for an hour while the doctor examined Helen, it felt like forever, all she wanted to do was go back in and sit by Helen's side and stay there. Finally Nikki saw the doctor walking down the corridor and she immediately got up to meet him.

''How is she Doctor?''

''She is doing fine Ms Wade, a bit drained and tired which is usual. There does not appear to be any permenant damage. I think after plenty of rest she will be fine''

''Thank you Doctor. Can i go back in and see her now?''

The doctors face suddenly looked grave and immediately Nikki knew something was wrong.

''I'm sorry Ms Wade but she has asked for no visitors, she does not wish to see you, and as her doctor i have to respect her wishes.''

''What she doesnt want to see me? Why?''

''I dont know Ms, thats what she said and she asked me to tell you to not come back.''

The doctor felt awful, he had to deal with a lot of cases like these, when he had to tell the partner they were no longer welcome and it was usually after a suicide attempt. He sometimes thought he was more a counsellor than a doctor.

''What? What the hell do you mean dont come back? Helen would not say that to me, she just wouldn't?''

Nikki suddenly forgot all of the times in the past that Helen had pushed her away because she got scared, or could not handle things, but suerly after all this time she would not do it again. Slowly Nikki could feel her heart starting to break, Helen was doing it again she was pushing her away and as long as she was lying in a hospital bed there was nothing she could do about it. Down the Block



Joined: 03 Jun 2005
Posts: 49
Location: Winchester




obssesdwithsimone Posted: 05 Jul 2005 03:27 pm

Chapter 23

''So Helen what brings you to me today?''

''The God damn doctors that's what and a very stubborn friend''

''Yes i am aware you have been referred to me by your doctor, however that was just advice it is not compulsury that you come to me, so what made you decide to.''

''I dont know, nothing better to do i supposse''

Helen was aware she sounded like a stroppy teenager, she was suddenly reminded of Nikki, this is just how she would react.

It had been a week since Helen had last seen her, she was told by the doctor Nikki had been in the next day begging to see her, but Helen always refused. When Helen discharged herself the next day, against the doctors advice she had gone Claire's and had her pick up some stuff from the flat when she knew Nikki would be out. Nikki had constantly rang and left messages on Helen's mobile, eventually she had switched it off and had not picked it up in the past two days.

Claire was surprised and worried to see Helen turn up on her doorstep almost a week ago looking like she had just escaped from a mental institution. Claire had begged and pleaded with Helen to at least ring Nikki and let her know that she was ok, but Helen refused and swore she would never talk to Claire again if she rang her. A bit dramatic thought Claire but her freind had obviously been through a lot and was not about to upset her further.

Claire knew why Helen was in hospital but not aware of the cause of her actions. Helen refused to talk about it and Claire accepted that, but she forced Helen to take her doctors advice and see a Psychiatrist. Eventually Helen got so sick of her constant nagging, so she agreed just to get the woman off her back. But deep down inside she was scared, she knew it was something she had to do if she wanted to try to get her life back together, she was just not so sure she wanted to live.

''Ok i can understand that, is there anything you want to talk about why your here with nothing better to do''

''Not really''

''Ok i understand that too ... have you ever seen the film Pretty Woman?''

Helen looked up at her Psychiatrist wondering what this woman was on about, she had not really taken much notice of her when she arrived but now really took her in. She was quite young, Helen guessed about 35, she was tall and slim with long dark wavy hair and slighly tanned skin giving her an exotic look. Helen noticed that this Doctor Alice Mead was a very attractive woman, and she had been highly recommended by her own Doctor. She was not entirely sure what game this woman was playing but decided to go along with it, as she said she had nothing better to do with her life.

''Yeah i've seen it, who hasn't.''

''Me, well not until last night anyway, I have heard so much about it for so many years now and could not understand why everyone seemed to know about it. Anyway last night i was looking at a long night in on my own so decided to rent a DVD. As i was browsing i saw Pretty Woman and thought i would see what all the fuss was about.''

''And what did you think?''

''Well i totally loved it and can not believe it has taken me so many years to watch it.''

''I have to admit, it's a good film, a classic''

''Do you like watching films?''

''Yeah, im a bit of a sucker for sad movies and romances, I love a good romantic comedy and I'm definately a chic flick kind of girl. Now Nikki she likes action movies, and all those films about war and stuff, so it is a pain when we want to watch a movie together. So we usually go for a bit of both, like Braveheart or Gladiator, things like that, they are are good action films for Nikki with amazing love stories and sadness in the context of the film.''

Before Helen realised what she was doing she was talking about her and Nikki's relationship and the things they loved to go out and do together, the silly fun arguments they had over what to see and where to go for dinner. They usually always loved to do the same things, but they also enjoyed their little arguments and disagreements. Most of the time they would just argue and make up and miss their film and dinner.

Alice watched as Helen talked about Nikki, she spoke as if they were still together but AAlice assumed it was not as staright forward as that. Helen's eyes lit up when she recalled something she had done with Nikki but just as suddenly as a light came to her eyes it went out again. It had been easy to get Helen to talk but Alice knew she was no where near the truth of why Helen was there, and it was going to be a hard job getting there.

Alice thought of Helen right then as a volcano that had been dormant for years, suddenly it is unleased and its erruption releases so much heart break and pain. Alice was determined to make sure that that erruption was led into with care, she knew she had her work cut out for her with Helen, it would certainly be a challenge but one she was willing to embrace. She wanted to help this woman, in only an hour she had got so much from Helen and knew this woman needed help and she wanted to be the one to help her.
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CHAPTER 24


The room was still dark; it was though time had stood still. How long she had been standing there she did not know. Megan slowly came to her senses as the chilling wind invaded the room, wrapping its icy fingers around her emaciated limbs. She became more aware of her surroundings as the wind began to bite into her blood stained legs. Megan glanced towards the open window, the source of the freezing wind that raced around the darkened room like a tornado of death.

The long fabric of the curtains was ferociously fighting with the elements, they no longer shielded the room from the world outside, the external forces had separated them so that they were almost ripped from the pole that struggled to hold them in place. The clouds raced across the blackened sky, the storm was still raging both inside and out. The room once again was illuminated by the harsh cold light as the moon fleetingly emerged from behind the thunderclouds.

Megan returned her gaze into the room, now that she could see more clearly. She noticed the wallpaper sparkling, as the moon caught the globules of blood that were slowly trickling their way downwards, as they glistened in the moonlight. Her eyes travelled further downwards, where they met with his image, the image that would haunt her past and the rest of her life. What was once the image of torment, fear and pain was now the image of death, either way it was still the image of God, or was it the devil? Megan never really knew, to her they were the same.

Megan realised she was still holding the rifle that had ended her torment, and released her from his prison. She approached the bed, clutching the cold wooden handle of the rifle; she needed to know if the nightmare had ended, was he really dead? She leaned forward and touched the exposed flesh, where his leg protruded from beneath the tangled blanket. It was cold, freezing cold, how long had she been standing there? Megan needed to make sure, needed confirmation that he was really dead. She placed the rifle down, leaning it against the iron bedstead, just in case she needed it again. With a deep breath she approached the bed side table, trying to avert her eyes from his face. She now stood, staring at the blood spattered wall in front of her, almost too afraid to look down to her right, to the pillows where he lay. She knew she had to do this, but what if he wasn’t dead? Deep down she knew he had to be, looking at the blood seeping down the wall it seemed obvious, still she had to check. In so many of her dreams she had killed him, only for him to return back to life, and attack her when her back was turned, when she least suspected it. HE WAS THE DEVIL after all, anything was possible.

Megan finally summoned up enough courage; she had been staring at the wall for too long. Quickly she turned, as she did so to her horror she saw movement, her heart leapt into her mouth, she felt sick. Then to her relief she realised it was only the movement of the curtains reflected in the mirror that stood in the corner on the opposite side of the bed. She looked at his face, the face of evil; it was grey, as was everything else in the room. His eyes were closed, gone was the trickle of dribble that usually made its way across his cheek as he lay there snoring with his mouth ajar. Slowly Megan leaned forward, straining to perceive any sound that could indicate his breathing, all she could hear was the eerie whistling of the wind, as the storm continued to rage.

Slowly she raised her arm, reaching forwards with a trembling hand, willing herself to touch it, touch the face of the devil. Gradually her hand neared its goal, her index finger outstretched ready for contact. Her fingertip finally touched his cheek; the skin was cold and leathery, like a dead reptile. The rest of her fingers now also felt his skin; she felt the bile rise in her throat, as her upper body began to convulse, desperate to eject his poison. With relief Megan stepped back from the bed, a strange sense of calm spread throughout her body as she realised for the first time in her life she was free, her father was dead.

Megan turned, placing her back towards the bed; she approached the open window, the curtains still whipping through the air. She leant against the open window frame, breathing in deeply the wind of freedom, closing her eyes trying to block the events of her life from her mind, she so desperately wanted to create a space of freedom and paradise. Her mind drifted off, to the place that she always went, or rather tried to go, whenever her father was raping or beating her, a place where nobody could hurt her, somewhere she was loved and the sun forever shined.

The illusion was suddenly shattered as a crack of thunder ripped through the atmosphere. Megan's eyes sprung open as she stood at the open window, her thin nightdress now plastered to her goose pimpled flesh by the driving wind and rain. Lightening once again lit up the sky and the garden below; it flashed again illuminating the metal handle of the shovel that stood erect in the ground. The shovel that not so many hours ago had aided her father to bury the baby, her daughter, the one he had strangled to death.

Megan's animalistic screams were drowned out by the deafening ferocity of the storm that continued to rage overhead. Once again Megan's cries of despair would go unheard, no matter what her pleas for help went unanswered. God really did want her to suffer. She was on her own; her only real companions were her dead family. The lifeless body of her father who she had killed, the body of her baby that lay outside newly buried in the cold sodden earth, and her mother who had been buried in the graveyard next to the house, after her father had strangled her to death seven years ago.

****


Helen woke from her sleep covered in sweat with tears running down her face, the memory of that night still fresh in her mind. With each nightmare it was as though she was reliving every horrific thing that her father had done to her over and over again, only in now slow motion. She had tried to end the nightmare of her life on that night, the night when she had killed her father, but by some cruel twist of fate it was not meant to be. She had been saved, just like when Nikki rescued her, saved to live a life of torment, her every waking hour filled with memories and guilt from her past, while her dreams consisted of reliving the torture and abuse over and over. There would never be an end to this life of torment.

Claire came rushing into the bedroom; she had been awoken by Helen's screams. She tried in vain to comfort her friend; Helen's nightmares seemed to have worsened since her visits to the Psychiatrist. Claire tried to soothe Helen by enveloping her in a hug, but was met with resistance as Helen struggled free and ran from the room, down the stairs and out of Claire's front door.

Claire was panicking as she rushed to the phone to call Nikki. She had followed Helen down the stairs, but she seemed to have disappeared into thin air.

"Nikki, Its Claire, listen to me, I lied to you, Helen was staying here, but now she's gone, and ..."

"Wha....what do you mean she's gone, gone where...where could she go? It’s the middle of the ....."

"I don't know where she's gone, that’s why I'm calling you, its the middle of the night, she's only wearing her pyjama's and she has no money",
Claire was panicking more and more as she blurted everything out to Nikki about Helen's visit to the Psychiatrist, and that she was hardly talking or eating anything.

Nikki was sobbing at the other end of the phone
"I can't believe you didn't tell me Claire, you know what she means to me....she could be anywhere...what if she gets hurt or.....".

"Look I don't think this is the time to blame me, it’s not going to solve anything, Helen asked me not to tell you and I couldn't betray that confidence"

Nikki realised how unfair she was being
"Ok, look I'm sorry, when did she go?”

"Just, she was having a nightmare, screaming and she called out for her mother, by the time I got to her room she was already awake and crying. I...I tried to comfort her Nikki....Talk to her...tell her everything was going to be ok...bu...but she just got more upset and agitated….then she just ran out of the house".

Claire at this point was crying; terrible thoughts of what might happen to Helen were swirling in her head.

Nikki was in a sheer state of panic
“Did she say anything at all Claire?.......anything that might give us an idea as to where she’s gone?”

“No… she was just calling for her mother, and when I tried to calm her down and talk to her, she muttered something about seeing her Mom….but it was so unclear….she wasn’t really making sense”.

Nikki and Claire ended their phone call after agreeing that Claire would call all of Helen’s friends and notify the police, telling them that Helen had recently tried to commit suicide, and that Nikki would ring all of the hospitals and wait at Helen’s flat just in case Helen should return there. After all where else would Helen go? She didn’t have that many other friends and had never really mentioned any family in Scotland. In fact both Nikki and Claire knew nothing of Helen’s past before she went to university, Nikki only found out that Helen’s father was dead after she confessed to killing him a few weeks ago, before that Helen had told her that he lived in Scotland. Nikki was now beginning to realise that she hardly new Helen at all, she didn’t even know what had happened after Helen had killed her father, how many other lies had Helen told? How many truths had been altered or completely omitted?
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WARNING; We would like to put a warning on this chapter for it has some shocking and disturbing sexual rape and masturbating scenes. If you feel this will offend or upset you please do not read on. Thanx.

Chapter 26

Helen looked up towards the sky as she felt the droplets of rain on her skin, the sky had turned a horrible shade of grey and big black clouds replaced the bright sunshine. The roars of thunder struck fear through her body, forcing her mind back to a time when love had no meaning and terror filled her heart. Helen knew who it was, it was him, making her remember, filling her head with memories of that night, horrific images that were now fragmented and jumbled; but the outcome was still the same, it was the night when she lost herself forever.

*******

Megan continued to look out of the window, she looked over to the church next to her house where her Father preached the idea of loving God and loving one another.

''If only they knew'' she thought to herself.

Her eyes were then drawn to the graveyard where many past love ones were buried, including her Mother. She wished her own child could have been buried over there, with her Mother, but in his eyes she was not worthy.

Megan eventually turned away from the window and the raging storm outside, she was convinced it was God being angry with her and she could no longer face it. But what greeted her when she turned around was a much worse fate. There lay her Father, dead, she knew it, she could feel it and he had died by her hand. She knew God would never forgive her for this, she really was evil, just like her Father had said so many times and she would be taken by the devil. Megan knew she had to suffer the consequences of her actions, she repeated the mantra in her head that had been beaten into her all her life;

''An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth...... ''

She knew what she had to do.

‘‘Megan.... Megan.... can you hear me?''

The voices were like a distant memory in her head but she knew she wanted to find them; they sounded kind and loving, like her Mother. Then she would hear screams, her screams, her Mothers her baby's, grunts and groans of sexual pleasure, his sounds. There was too much going on in her head, she couldn't cope, she wanted to just float away, she wanted to find her way to the soft voices, the ones calling her name with so much care. She knew she would be safe there but she didn't know how to reach her sanctuary.

****

''Open your eye's Megan, come on, that’s it, open your eyes sweetheart.''

''Open my eyes! All I have to do is open my eyes and I'll be safe, no more noise, no more pictures.''

Megan continued to argue with herself, trying to make herself heard over the voices and screams. She could feel herself getting closer, she could feel her body fighting and slowly her eyes began to open. She thought she would feel free but instead she felt enclosed, white walls made her feel she was in some kind of dream.

''Am I awake or still dreaming? I can’t move my arms, why can’t I move my arms, or my legs? What is going on, what’s happening to me?''

She heard the screams, her screams, she felt her body struggle against the restraints, her head moving violently from side to side. She knew that if she could see herself now she would see a girl possessed, the devil had got her, he told her he would and he had.

Then she heard the voice come back again, the soft voice of someone who cares.

‘‘It’s ok Megan, your safe now, its ok. We have given you something to calm you down, you will sleep for a while.''

''No, no sleep'' Megan was aware what she was saying in her head but was not sure it came out as anything more than a grumble. Slowly her eyes began to close again, she tried desperately to fight against it, she did not want to go back there, where he could get her, again and again. She felt a soft pressure to her head, stroking her hair, like her mum used to do.

''Mummy, mummy, is that you?''

''Shhhh don’t be scared Megan, don’t be scared.''

She lost the battle and she was dragged back into a world of sleep, a world of eternal torment.

***********

Megan's eyes opened and she looked around the room desperate for some escape, but all she could see was what she had been seeing for the past 24 hours since she had woken up, white walls and a metal door with a tiny window that people every so often looked at her through. Why was she here; she hadn't done anything. It was Helen, she had done it and Megan would tell the police. She continued to lay in the white room drifting in and out of consciousness as her thoughts wondered back to the last night that she could remember.

*******

Megan thought she had experienced pain before, but this went against anything she had ever felt. Pain gripped her with such a force she seriously thought she would die there and then. How could the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to her hurt so much. Today her baby was coming into the world, a part of herself that she was determined to bring life too. Megan desperately tried to fight against the pain and deliver her baby girl. She was convinced she was going to have a girl and she would be named after her mother, the one who Megan believed gave the child as a gift. Someone for Megan to love unconditionally and someone to love her back.
He watched her as she gave birth to their child; he couldn’t wait for this to be over, for nine months he had been making excuses as to why Megan was not around. He knew no one would suspect anything, after all he was a minister and Megan was a good minister’s child. But he was tired of coming up with things to say, plus he had not got what he wanted of Megan since she first became pregnant and she threw up on him. At the thought of being able to have her again he could not control his arousal and watching her in so much pain just added to his pleasure.

Just as Megan thought she could take it no more unbearable pain rushed through her body like a bull charging through her, then her body gave out and she slumped back on the bed.

“This is it” she thought, “I’m going to die”

Then she heard it, the most beautiful sound Megan would ever hear, the cries of her new born baby. A small smile showed on Megan’s face, she had done it, she had given life, surely God would love her now and her Father would forgive her for being bad now God loved her.

“It’s a girl” The disgust did not go unnoticed by Megan but she didn’t care, nothing could spoil her happiness. She had not even held her baby yet and the love that filled her was something new to Megan and a feeling she never wanted to lose.

Then fear gripped her heart as the sounds of her baby began to change to gurgling sounds as though she was struggling for breath. Megan looked over to the window where her Father stood with the child and watched with dread as she witnessed his hands tightening around her throat. Megan knew she had to do something, knew she had to fight for the life of her baby. With every ounce of strength she had left she made her way out of bed and over to the window. A piercing scream filled the air as Megan lunched at her Father, hoping the power of God would help her protect her child. But he turned and hit his fist against her face hard, knocking her to the ground and taking every bit of strength she had. She could never defeat him, he would always win.

The sounds of a young woman’s sobs and the sounds of a new born baby fighting for breath filled the tiny room, and at the window stood one man with a smile on his face.

‘’Life will soon be back to normal” he thought to himself and again his arousal made itself aware.

When the baby was but a limp body in his arms, he made his way out of the room. From her position on the floor Megan, surprised she was still alive, heard her Father go into the back garden. She again searched inside herself for strength and removed herself from the floor and over to the window. Through the bars of her window she witnessed her Father drop her baby into the ground as if she was nothing but a doll and all she wanted to do at the moment was jump in the ground and join her baby.

**********


Megan once again opened her eyes, this time it felt a bit more natural and was not such a struggle to do so. But as she became more aware of her surroundings; she again felt as though she was tied down. Her body felt heavy and she could not move, she scanned the room looking for some clue as to where she was and why she couldn't move. Had he got her, had he tied her down again? She looked down at her body and she lay on a bed dressed in a green gown, there was nothing restraining her. She began to panic;

''Why cant I move, help me!!!! Please somebody. Oh God what has he done to me, I'm paralysed.''

Her screams echoed around the empty room,

''No more screaming Megan, he'll come for you if he hears you.''

She forced herself to calm down and be quiet, concentrate on something, she found herself staring at the white walls as again her mind drifted.

***

Megan made her way back to her bed knowing that if she was caught she would pay the price. Just as she made it safely back the door opened with force, Megan was violently removed from her room and taken to the bathroom. Her Father forced her to the shower, the whole time Megan pleading with him.

''Please Father, please, ...don't..I'm too tired.''

''Tired!!!! You owe me months so get in that f**king shower and get cleaned up. NOW!!!!''

''Oh God'' Megan thought to herself, ''he can’t really expect me to do it now, I don’t think I can".

"You have to Megan, or you will die.'' the voices invaded her head.

She climbed into the shower and let the hot water wash over her back, it became red with her blood; her tears began to mix with the water. She watched as the blood chased itself down the plug whole and Megan wished she could vanish down there with it. She wanted to just stay in the shower forever, enclosed in the little cubicle all alone. But all too soon the shower door was wrenched open as her Father dragged her small body from its enclosure. She still had blood streaked down her legs from the birth as she had not turned in the shower, or washed, only stared into the plug hole praying for an escape she knew was impossible. He didn’t care anymore about the blood; he needed her now his arousal was too much.

The was no foreplay this time, for that Megan was grateful, he held her down on the bathroom floor and entered her with a force Megan had not felt from him before. He thrust into her fast and hard with a desperate drive and need Megan had not experienced. In the past she tried to go somewhere else, float away and be free while he was on top of her, but now it was different. She couldn't distance herself, could not find peace. She felt every thrust, heard every groan, he was holding her wrists above her head, digging his nails into her as his climax approached. This to Megan was the worst part yet the bit she wanted to happen most. She knew it was nearly over, but he always went that bit harder and faster, as though her body was not human, as though she felt no pain and he was just like a knife slicing through butter.
But to Megan it felt like a knife slicing through flesh. From the way his body moved and the sounds he made Megan knew he was about to come, and she did not know why he did it at the time, another form of punishment she thought, but years later she realised it was so she would not get pregnant again, but just as he felt himself coming he removed himself from inside her and moved up her body. Kneeling over her his penis was directly in Megan’s face, she closed her eyes, desperately trying to ignore what was before her.

''Open you eyes Megan, open them and see what you do to me.'' When she did not obey he reached his free hand down and tightened it around her throat.

''Open Them''

Megan opened her eyes and came face to face with the image of her Father masturbating himself in her face and within seconds she was covered in his sticky fluid as she passed out.

Megan felt the kicks hitting her side and she began to come round.

''Get up you lazy bitch and get back to your room now''

Megan could tell from his voice that he was drunk, really drunk. She forced her body to move, she could not take any more kicks, and if she didn’t move soon they would get worse. She made her way to her bedroom and shuddered as she not only heard but felt the door slam. But something was different, she didn’t hear his key turn in lock of her door, he was so drunk he had forgotten to lock her in. She waited and listened; she heard his bedroom door slam and knew that within seconds he would be lying passed out. Was this is it, her chance to escape her prison?

''Don’t be silly Megan, you can’t leave, where would you go you cant just wander the streets, you are 13 years of age, or am I 14? I can’t get out and tell someone no one would believe me, he is a minister, a man of God. Help me Helen, what can I do?''

''Kill him''

''Kill him, I can’t kill him, how''

''His gun''

''No!!!! No Helen, I can’t, I can’t and I wont.''
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CHAPTER 27

Hmmmm, I've just posted this and for some reason its not there, so apologies if this shows up twice.

CHAPTER 27


The voices became more insistent as Megan slowly made her way from the window and the storm outside towards the lifeless monster that lay upon the bed. Although she did her best not to look at his body, her eyes were drawn like magnets to the wrinkled leather like skin the covered his demonic features. Megan stood at the foot of the bed staring directly at his face, as her cold hands idly fingered the hard metal shaft of the rifle, the weapon that she had used to end her life of torment, only to instigate a further lifetime of guilt.

Again the voices whirled around in her head, taunting her with their cruel words, she knew she had to end it, but didn't’t have the courage to pull the trigger one final time. Minutes seemed to be rushing past, the loud ticking of the hall clock echoing around the cold and empty house. Once again her life was spiraling rapidly out of control, the voices telling her she had to act before time ran out, before it was too late. The storm outside became louder once again drowning out the ticking noise that had vibrated through her small body for eternity. The voices were getting louder, accompanied as always by mocking laughter and screams of despair.

Megan’s gaze shifted from the face or her tormentor to the bedside table and the objects that lay scattered across its dirty surface; empty glasses, a half filled ashtray and more importantly an open bottle of whiskey and a bottle of pills. Everything finally clicked into place, the storm seemed to subside and the cruel voices and screams were replaced with the soft beckoning tones of her mother urging her on as she approached the bedside table.

The glass of the bottle was illuminated by the bright moonlight and its contents seemed to emit a warm amber glow. Megan reached with certainty towards he pill bottle, shaking out its contents onto her palm, raising her hand quickly she deposited its contents into her mouth, cringing at the acidic bitter taste against her tongue. Her fingers tightly grasped the smooth cold neck of the whisky bottle as she raised the amber liquid towards her trembling lips, she almost chocked as she threw her head back and gulped down the hot amber liquid. Megan could feel her throat constrict and start to burn, as she took another gulp her insides burst into flames as the hot molten liquid seared its way into her aching body.

Megan turned and looked at the reflection staring back at her from the mottled mirror; spindle like arms and legs protruded from a body bloated by childbirth. Her head seemed disproportionately large as it balanced upon her long thin neck and emaciated shoulders; her hair hung limply across her pale forehead, while large eyes seemed to pop out from their darkened sockets. Megan looked at herself with repulsion and disgust, seeing that body only served to remind her what he had subjected her to over and over again since she was five years old.

Megan realised there was only one thing that she hated more than her father and that was herself, she truly was disgusting. Her father was right all along, she was evil, she had deserved everything that he did to her and more. God hated her, everyone hated her, even her own mother probably hated her; why else would she encourage her own daughter to kill herself?

Megan realised how foolish she had been, she wasn’t going to join her mother, she was going straight into the arms of the devil; her father in hell, its what she deserved after all; Megan and her father in hell, Helen and her mother in Heaven. God she hated Helen, Helen the saint. Her father had blamed Megan for Helen’s death and had punished her for it all of her life, but it wasn’t her fault, she hadn’t meant to kill Helen. Infact Megan wished it had been the other way around, she hated Helen so much that it was she who should have suffered not Megan. Everything was Helen’s fault, Megan didn’t want to kill her father; in some strange sick way she loved him and it was Helen’s fault that her father hated her.

Megan was becoming agitated as she stood in the mirror staring at her own disgusting ugly body, trying to analyze the thoughts that raced around in her mind, making her dizzy and feel as though her head would explode. She emptied the rest of the bottle, gulping it quickly down her burning throat, throwing the empty bottle and shattering the glass in the mirror. Megan no longer wished to look at her reflection, she didn’t want to see or feel her body any longer. Megan staggered back across the hallway into her own bedroom, her limbs feeling like lead as the walls and floor swam before her, finally she collapsed onto her bed. Megan wanted peace; a release from her pain, her tormenting thoughts and more than anything an escape from this world.


*****



Finally Megan was able to stay awake long enough to realise where she was; locked in a room of a Psychiatric hospital. Throughout the past few days Megan had drifted in and out of consciousness, each time she had awoken she had begun to panic and scream, forcing the medical staff to sedate her once more. At first she had thought she was in hell, then in heaven, she had finally realised she was in some sort of room, but it had felt as though she was tied to the bed, she had tried to struggle but she couldn't’t move her limbs, she had been convinced that her father had some how got her and had begun to scream and shout, the medical staff had tried to calm her but Megan became more afraid and her screams got louder, the hospital staff really had no other choice but to sedate her each time this had happened. Finally Megan was calm enough, the medical staff began to talk to her but she just ignored them and refused to reply to their questions, her only response was silence.

At last Megan was left alone, she began too laugh, it was either that or she would begin to cry, for once in her life her mind was free of the voices that had tormented her, she felt a sense of relief, she hadn’t gone to hell after all. How she had got here she did not know, the last thing she could remember was staring at her own reflection in the mirror after she had killed her father. Anyway she didn’t want to think about that now, in fact she didn’t want to think about anything, Megan decided it was probably best to forget about all of it, pretend it had never happened and certainly not admit to killing her father. No, she had definitely not killed her father, it must have been somebody else, somebody must have broken into the house and killed him, yes that was definitely what had happened.

As for the baby, her baby, well no-one really need know, after all her father had buried it in the garden, so nobody would find out. Why admit to something when there was nothing to admit too? Yes, silence really was the best policy, something that her father would definitely agree with her on. Megan had to admit she was feeling better already, in fact she felt quite cheerful, for once the sun shined brightly through the window as she settled back into the warmth and comfort of the hospital bed.

Murder certainly did have its advantages! Down the Block



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sophiesworld2 Posted: 18 Dec 2005 07:55 pm
CHAPTER 28

Sorry for the delay and thanks for your patience

CHAPTER 28

Megan had spent the last three weeks isolated in her room at the Psychiatric hospital, her only human contact was with the nurses that tended to her daily needs and the doctor who came to see her twice a week. Megan so far had kept to her pact and had not uttered a word, even when two police officers had attempted to interview her last week, she had remained silent, staring absently into space.

Marie, one of the nurses entered the room carrying a tray of unappetising food, Megan had barely eaten since she had been incarcerated in her room, her emaciated body getting even thinner from lack of nourishment. Megan wanted to die, and without the presence of any suitable instruments to aid her task she had quite simply decided to starve herself to death. Most people would fail to complete their mission, feelings of pain and hunger forcing them to eat, however years of pain and abuse had hardened Megan, she endured the pain with a sense of accomplishment. Yesterday things had changed, she had been forced to eat, her only other option being a drip, piercing her skin, forcing nutrients into her malnourished body. Megan did not want that, she had already had enough of objects she did not want being forced into her body against her will, so she had given in, she had begun to eat, it was her only option.

Marie was attempting to have a conversation with Megan while she observed her eating her meal. Megan was not allowed to eat without supervision, she was not trusted to eat the food if left unattended. As Megan ate, she tried to ignore Marie’s voice, attempting to block out her mundane conversation, Marie’s words merged with the voices in her head, almost drowned out by the shouting and screaming that accompanied Megan’s every waking and sleeping moment. Megan just wanted silence, peace and quiet for once in her life, she knew the only way to achieve this was death. She resented Marie and the other nurses, resented them for keeping her alive and hated them for trying to get into her mind.

Megan’s attention was diverted back into the room, she had just heard Marie telling her that she had another appointment with a doctor. That was the last thing she wanted; Dr McKenzie’s bulging eyes peering at her as she sat on the vinyl-covered chair in his tiny stuffy office. The only part of these meetings she enjoyed was the journey from her room to his office, walking along corridors, past the closed doors until finally at the end of the corridor she could look into the day room where other patients sat gathered around the TV. Megan wondered if she would ever be allowed to enter that room, or would she be kept isolated in her room, trapped in her world of torment forever.

Finally after forcing the luke warm food into her body she was allowed to visit the bathroom, accompanied by Marie to ensure she didn’t regurgitate her lunch. Megan was then escorted to Dr McKenzie’s office, pausing on her way to gaze at the occupants in the day room who were all staring transfixed at the television screen, oblivious to her presence. Marie ushered Megan away from the open doorway of the day room, through the double doors at the end of the corridor until they came to a halt outside Dr McKenzie’s office, where she rapped sharply on the wooden door. Megan was surprised to her a woman’s voice inviting them to enter the room; where was Dr McKenzie?

Marie entered the room pushing Megan in ahead of her, where she was greeted with a small round woman of about forty-five with wild grey hair that made her look as though she had been electrocuted. The woman glanced up from the desk from where she was writing and then rose from her chair;
“Hello Megan, I’m Dr Dickinson, but you can call me Rose. Marie you can leave us now.”
“Ok thanks Rose, I’ll come back and collect Megan in about thirty minutes, if that’s ok?” Marie turned at the office door.
“No, its alright Marie, I’ll walk Megan back myself, I’m sure you have lots of other things to do” Rose replied.
“Ok, thanks Rose. See you later Megan” and with that Marie left the room, softly closing the door behind her.

Thirty minutes later Megan still hadn’t spoken a word, she had shut out Dr Dickinson’s voice and had transported herself back to a time when she was loved, safe and warm in her mothers comforting arms. Megan was suddenly bought back to reality as Dr Dickinson placed her hand on Megan’s arm, Megan was startled by the contact and surprised to discover that Dr Dickinson was no longer sitting behind her desk, but was instead crouched down at Megan’s side. Megan glanced towards the soft warm hand that still rested upon her arm, realising that this was the first touch of kindness she had experienced in years. She looked into Dr Dickinson’s eyes and saw true compassion, instead of the disinterest she saw in the faces of the other nurses, even Marie.
“So what do you think then Megan?”
Megan had no idea what the Dr was talking about, she had successfully managed to shut out the last thirty minutes of their one sided conversation, blocking out her surroundings was the only way Megan had managed to survive in the past.

Dr Dickinson realised by the look of confusion on Megan’s face that she really did have no idea what she was talking about, a trait that she had seen in many patients over the years.
“Megan, I was asking you if you wanted to perhaps go into the dayroom with the other patients rather than going straight back to your room, what do you think?”
Megan simply stared blankly into Dr Dickinson’s eyes, she seemed to have difficulty in understanding the question. What did this mean? As usual Megan began to analyse each word looking for hidden meanings that weren’t there. She had always done this, in the end she completely lost focus as the words jumbled in her mind, getting tangled amongst the screaming voices until everything lost all meaning and she had completely forgotten what she had heard or even where she was.

Once more Dr Dickinson repeated the question,
“Megan would you like to go to the day room?”

Finally she understood, but she was too afraid to utter her answer, hearing her own voice only added to the menage of voices that swirled in her head, the voices that would condemn her for daring to speak and betray her secret. Megan simply bowed her head and nodded, looking instead at the hand that still rested on her arm, burning into her flesh. Megan began to feel her heartbeat rise, as she realised the implications of being touched, she should not be touched, she was dirty, her skin contaminated by the devil. Dr Dickinson would catch her disease, the filth that flowed through her veins would infect her skin and stain her soul, destroying yet another life, feeling disgust Megan snatched her arm away.

Rose stood from her position beside Megan, she was used to patients having similar reactions to those displayed by Megan, and knew that usually with time things improved. She realised it was important not to push Megan at this stage, she had to proceed cautiously, so as not to alienate Megan and force her further into self-imposed isolation. Rose thought that introducing Megan to the day room where other patients interacted would be a step in the right direction for Megan, she knew that eventually Megan would feel more comfortable in her surroundings once she realised that nobody was going to hurt her. Rose realised Megan’s journey would be a long and painful one, Megan’s file had been disturbing to read. Megan was a child who had never been allowed to interact with other children, never even attended school, but had merely existed in a world of twisted religion and beliefs, the plaything of a cruel, evil man.

Rose was a newcomer to the hospital, she was a skilled Psychiatrist, she knew from previous experience that a person such as Megan would never relate to a man, especially Dr McKenzie who was a harsh abrupt individual. Megan needed to be treated with kit gloves, coaxed out of her shell, being forceful would only result in her further withdrawal and ultimately Megan’s death if she continued on her path of self-destruction.

Megan wondered what Dr Dickinson was thinking, curious as to how much the doctor really knew about her. Obviously she would know that she had killed her father, but what about her baby, did the Dr even know she existed, did she know why she existed, was she aware of what Megan was? What her father had done to her? If she did then surely she must realise that Megan was worthless, she was not a person, merely an object of disgust, and a symbol of evil. Megan relaxed slightly as she realised that Dr Dickinson couldn’t know the truth about her father or her baby, nobody knew what really went on in that house. If she did know the truth, she certainly wouldn’t be helping her, instead she would just let her die, crumble into the earth like the useless piece of rubbish she was. If Dr Dickinson really knew the truth she wouldn’t bother wasting her time, Megan felt guilty, guilty that she was here wasting this woman’s time, her every breath was contaminating the atmosphere, filling the room with her filth, poisoning the air around her until everything was destroyed.

Rose walked Megan out of the room explaining to her that she could stay in the day room until dinner, when Marie would come to collect her, as Megan would not be permitted to eat in the communal dinning room until she had put on some more weight. Megan looked down at her limbs, feeling the bile rise in her throat as she was met with the sight of her disgustingly fat body, memories of her lunch causing her stomach to lurch as visions of fat pumping through her veins invaded her mind.

As they entered the dayroom, some of the other patients temporarily diverted their gaze from the television to assess the new arrival, causing Megan to shrink back further behind the rounded body of Dr Dickinson. Rose stepped aside and introduced Megan to the other patients, also naming the occupants of the room, so that Megan knew who everyone was. Although from the petrified look on Megan’s face, Rose realised that their names would not even register in Megan’s mind let alone allow her to remember their identities.

Dr Dickinson suggested that she take a seat, Megan scanned the room, her eyes settling upon a lone unoccupied chair in the far corner of the room, away from the other occupants, although still with a reasonable view of the television. Megan quickly made her way around the perimeter of the room, conscious of the other patients watching her progress, making her feel even more exposed. She finally reached the plastic chair that had initially seemed so appealing when she had gazed into the room on her previous visits to see Dr McKenzie. However, now with the unblinking eyes of nearly every patient in the room observing and analysing her, Megan almost longed for the isolated confinement of her clinical hospital room.

After an uncomfortable few minutes the other occupants of the room lost interest in the new arrival and their attentions were drawn back to the events being depicted upon the television screen. Most of the patients who had sufficient attention spans spent the majority of their time engrossed in the events of the various television programs they were permitted to watch. For some the predictable scenarios displayed on the screen helped them distance themselves from the events of their own tragic lives, giving them hope for a brief moment that things would work themselves out and their own lives would mirror the happy endings that the programs inevitably displayed. For other occupants in the room the television was not required, instead the various concoction of medication regularly administered by the medical staff provided all the distraction they required, allowing them to exist in a state of indifference, where their emotions were muted by their drug induced states. Either way the staff were happy, the more distracted the patients were, either by TV or medication, meant far fewer moments of madness and despair, when the patients complied without question, it allowed things to run much more smoothly. Down the Block



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sophiesworld2 Posted: 25 Dec 2005 02:58 am
CHAPTER 29

Hiya,

This nect chapter is written by OWS, I'm posting it as it has a christmas theme and so didn't wanna miss the christmas vibe!

Chapter 29

It was that time of year again, the atmosphere of the streets were buzzing with anticipation and excitement. The streets were lined with sparkling decorations, each shop window trying to outdo the next. The streets were hectic, the buildings were alive with their twinkling lights and festive decorations. People were rushing around from one shop to the next trying to find the perfect gift for their loved ones. Men trying to hide their faces as they walked into the top clothes or jewellery shops for women, having only a small idea of what to get for their partners just not really sure where to find it, therefore trying to attract the attention of the harassed female assistants at the first opportunity. Women were flitting in and out of almost every shop at top speed, some with small children in tow who were pleading for the various brightly coloured goods on offer. Young lovers were out in the town together, shopping for each other and basking in the excitement of their first Christmas together.

If one was to take a look into the snow covered streets it looks busy and stressful, mothers fighting through the aisles in desperation to be the first to acquire the latest toy for their child. But behind the stress of the shoppers it is clear to see the love and excitement on their faces that one experiences when looking forward to yet another good Christmas. However, not everyone is fortunate enough to experience the pleasure and joy of Christmas, many people are alone, no one to give a gift to and none to receive. For them this was a time to merely sit and dream what it would be like to have a loving family to share Christmas with.

Megan was one of these people, before her Mother had died Christmas for Megan had held some good memories. Her Father was very strict on this particular day, it was the day that Christ was born and therefore should be a day of reflection, there was never any decorations in their home, no presents to give or receive. However, every Christmas night Megan would stay awake knowing that her Mother would soon arrive in her bedroom. And without fail she did with two small packages wrapped with so much love and care. Megan would take her time in unwrapping each loving gift, and each year she would receive a small tree decoration that her Mother always said Megan could put on her own tree when she was all grown up. They were little snow flakes, and burbles or a small piece of tinsel, and each time Megan opened one a small tear would come to her eye, a tear of joy and she would pray for the day she could have her own home where she would have the biggest Christmas tree. She would invite her Mother, while her Father was in church and together they would decorate her tree with all the beautiful decorations.

Along with the decorations each year, Megan received a small gift from her Mother, simple home made gifts that meant the world to Megan. One year she received a written poem from her Mother on how much she was loved, another year was a small Christmas card and on the front Megan’s Mother had drawn the image of a beautiful angel, glitter adorned the card making the angel sparkle and seem so alive to Megan. One year however Megan received a locket in the shape of a heart, inside there was a tiny picture of Megan and her Mother in one another’s arms. They were both in the midst of laughing at something and were looking into each others sparkling eyes with a love and bond only Mother and Daughter can experience. The picture was taken by one of the ladies at Megan’s Fathers church, it was a moment captured that she said should be treasured forever. Megan’s’ Mother kept the picture and did not show it to her little girl, she kept close to her heart until the time was right. Then one special Christmas she took her own Mothers locket from her dresser, placed the photo inside and made her way to Megan’s room along with the final gift for her tree, an angel, like the one on her card. That was the last Christmas Megan saw her Mother, but all her gifts were treasured and hidden under a lose floorboard her Mother had found so as not to be taken by her Father. After that, Christmas for Megan did not exist as it does for most children her age, most of the day she spent alone in her room hating the angel on her card that took her Mother away, yet loving her also and praying she was taking good care of her. For a few years she would take out the small gifts from her Mother but she became so worried her Father would catch her she stopped looking and they stayed in their secret hiding place, trapped under that floorboard. But still, every Christmas night Megan would sit on that part of the floor and feel closer to her Mother.

This year was to be Megan’s first Christmas without her Father, she was spending it in the hospital with other people that were lonely just like her. The nurse came and got Megan from her white boxed room and led her to the dayroom where the other patients were. This year Megan was spending Christmas with other people, yet she had never felt so lonely. She went over to her customary chair in the corner of the room and observed others in the room as they ooh’d and ahhh’d at all the beautiful decorations on the tree. But this was not how it was supposed to be, she was supposed to have her own tree with her Mothers decorations. Her Mother should be with her and together they would enjoy Christmas and do everything she imagined other little girls doing on Christmas morning.

As she continued to observe the other patients in the room, Megan felt a deep hatred build inside, growing stronger as thoughts of her father entered her mind. No matter how hard she tried, he was always there, poisoning her mind, his filth still flowed through her veins, his body still possessed hers. Megan’s thoughts returned back to the occupants of the room, their happiness irritated her, how could they be so happy, they were in a mental asylum for goodness sake. Megan knew the reason why most of the other patients were happy, they were all mad, she was locked up with crazy people, the only person in the room that was sane, other than herself was Michael. Megan felt her resentment increase as the other patients began to sing Christmas carols, everybody except herself and Michael seemed to be oblivious to reality. Both Michael and Megan knew the truth, for although she had never actually spoken with Michael, his words were her thoughts, he constantly repeated them like a mantra “WE WILL ALL BURN IN HELL”.

It was at this point that Megan realise that nothing would ever change, although her father was dead her life was still the same, she was still imprisoned and subjected to the wrath of God once more. From that day on Megan hated Christmas and pretended it did not exist in her world. Why should she celebrate the birth of a Christ that hated her.
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Chapter 30

Nikki and Claire settled themselves into their seats for the long train ride to Scotland. Claire could see the tension in Nikki's face and knew she had to tell her what she had found out, but it would not be easy.

The train pulled out of the station and Nikki turned her anxious eyes to Claire pleading for some informaion on the woman she loved, some clue that would help them understand Helen more and help her in any way they could.

''Ok Nikki this is not going to be easy so I'm just going to come out and say it ... Helen Stewart died as a baby"

"What?" Nikki looked at Claire as if she had lost her mind, how could Helen have died? this did not make any sense. Was Claire trying to say that Helen, the woman she loved more than life itself, wasn't infact Helen Stewart at all? who was she?

"What do you mean Claire? what are you talking about Helen is dead. I live with her, have been in love with her for what feels like my whole life, I know her Claire, you know her."

"Well I tought I would try and look into Helen's past see if there was anything we could go on, but the records kept saying that Helen Stewart was dead. At first I assumed it was not the same person, but it was the same date that Helen was born and in Scotland. I didint really know what to make of it, until I read that the Helen Stewart that had been born was a twin, she had a sister who survived, called Megan Stewart. Thats who she is Nikki, Megan. Megan was abused by her Father until she eventually killed him after giving birth to his child that he allegedly murdered. The papers were full of it at the time, what with him being a minister, there was a big scandal as to how it could have happened without anyone realising what was going on".

"Oh God Claire, I cant get my head round this, she is not Helen."

"She is still the same person Nikki, just born with a different name. After she took her Fathers life she was admittred into a mental institute, the details that went on in there were not availiable, but all I know is she went in there as Megan Stewart, a young girl abused by her Father and came out five years later with her sisters name Helen Stewart. That was when she came to University and met me"

"Claire we have to find her, we have to help her"

"We will Nikki I promise, I managed to get hold of the police reports .."

"What, how did you manage that?"

"Dont ask, you may well be repaying me the favour and getting me out of prison. Anyway, I got the address of where she was imprisoned by her Father. Her baby was found by the police buried in the garden, so my guess was Helen, sorry Megan ..."

"No call her Helen, please"

"Ok Nikki. Well the baby was later buried at the gravesite next her grandmother, Helen's mother, which they say was in the grounds of the church that her Father preached at, next to the house."

"God Claire, we have to get there and soon, I cant lose her, I just can't"

"I know Nikki, and we wont lose her, we will find and her and bring her back to us"

"What if we are to late Claire?"

There was a silence between them that seemed to last forever, Claire didn't know the answer that question and neither did Nikki. The rest of their journey was spent in a contemplative silence.


Nikki sat on the train staring out of the window, her mind was taking her back to times she had spent with Helen, both the good and the bad, she could vividly remember the first time the two of them met, looking back on it now, never would Nikki had thought this woman would become the love of her life.

Nikki watched the new Wing Governor make her way through the wing a look of determination on her face. Nikki was immediately aware of how attractive this woman was, especially when angry.

“My God was it wrong with you Nikki, get it together”

As quickly as the thought had arrived it disappeared as Helen began addressing the wing saying how what happened to Carol was just a tragic set of circumstances.

Nikki could not believe the nerve of the woman, how dare she suggest that? it was the poor excuses for prison officers they have in this place and Nikki was sick of everything being swept under the carpet. Never one to keep her feelings to herself, especially when they involved someone else that was at this moment in time unable to stick up for themselves. Nikki made herself heard and from the look on this pompous wing governors face, Nikki thought, she was not happy.

“You are rule 43”

Helen was so close to Nikki, she could smell her sweet breath, even then Nikki remembered thinking how attractive she was, however, this just simply fuelled her angereven further. Thinking Helen was probably just a pretty face to brighten up the board.

Thinking back about it now made Nikki smile, remembering her first impressions of Helen, nothing had changed between them over the years, even when they were steaming mad at one another Nikki found her to be the most attractive woman she had ever seen. Nikki then thought back to the first time they had ever made love, Nikki could still to this day not believe she had broken out of prison for the night. She had risked everything that night, her freedom, and worst still Helen. But not for one second did she regret that decision and she began to reminisce about the reasons why.

“Tell me you love me”

“Oh Nicola”

The words came out as barley a whisper Helen was so breathless, but Nikki heard her loud and clear. The kiss that followed was soft and sensual, passionate and fiery yet slow all at the same time. God she wanted this woman with every fibre of her being, Nikki did not think it was possible to want someone so much. She knew Helen was a passionate person, but the things she was doing to Nikki right now were beyond her wildest fantasies.

Together they tumbled onto the sofa, the need for each other was too strong they could not even wait to get into the bedroom. Helen straddled Nikki, bringing her hands up to her breasts , desperately needing more contact between them. She moved her hips against Nikki, trying to gain as much friction between themas possible. She needed more, so she took Nikki’s hand and moved it down between her legs and for the first time her lover made contact with her throbbing centre.

Nikki lightly moved her fingers over the trousers Helen was wearing, tickling her into oblivion, the moans coming from Helen told Nikki she was enjoying it, but it was not enough, Nikki needed to touch her, feel her, be inside the woman she loved. Then as if their minds worked as one Helen breathed her want.

“Nikki, I need you inside me … now”

Nikki sat up so Helen was straddling her hips, she removed the remaining garments of clothing from Helen's back whilst her lover also removed Nikki’s. Then as if they were talking to each other through their eyes they both moved of the sofa and removed their trousers.

Helen stood in front of Nikki, wearing only her underwear, having not expected Nikki to turn up on her door step she was wearing nothing special. She was wearing a plain white cotton thong with a little image of tweety pie staring at Nikki from the elastic trim of Helens pants. Nikki looked at Helens underwear a small smile taking place on her lips. Helen looked down at her underwear a blush quickly creeping up on her cheeks, her head bent low with her eyes looking up to Nikki, very embarrassed.

‘’I wasn’t expecting company”

Nikki walked towards Helen with the most sexiest smile Helen had ever seen, she put out her hand tracing her fingers along the edges of Helens thong.

“Right now, you are the most sexiest thing I have ever seen, and you should blush more often.”

Nikki thought Helen looked so cute stood there in just her tweety pie underwear looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights. As Nikki continued to trace her fingers over Helens lower abdomen the smaller woman threw her head back, her eyes closed loving the feelings Nikki could evoke in her. From just the slightest contact, Helen could feel herself getting close and Nikki had hardly touched her yet.

At that moment something overtook Helen and she completely lost control, never in her life had she felt this way, she did not think it possible, her animal instincts took over and Nikki thought she was a woman possessed and she loved every second.

Before Nikki could be aware was happening she was dragged down on the floor by Helen who within seconds was straddling her, her eyes so full of love and unadulterated lust.

“Nikki, if you don’t touch me soon, I'm gonna go crazy” Again she brought Nikki’s hands to her breasts before leaning down and kissing her lover passionately. Helen placed her centre on Nikki’s thigh and Nikki could feel the wetness seeping through Helen’s knickers. Helen bucked her hips hard against Nikki her hands holding onto to Nikki’s keeping them above her head not allowing Nikki to touch her.
It was all getting to much for Nikki, she thought she would come there and then just watching Helen move against her and listening to her moans of pleasure. Quickly Nikki changed their positions, she could tell Helen was about to reach her orgasm and she wanted to taste her when it happened. Before Helen knew it, Nikki was on top of her slowly removing the last restraint between them.

Nikki kissed her way painfully slowly down Helen’s body, Helen knew what was about to happen, she was incredibly scared but also really excited. Nikki was about to taste her for the first time. Her biggest fantasy was about to come true, she hoped she tasted good to Nikki, she had never had any complaints but she was so scared Nikki would not like her. She need not have worried though, a huge shock went through her body as Nikki slowly licked her way from Helen’s opening up to her clit, then back again dipping her tongue so deep into Helen, she thought she would pass out with the pleasure. A load moan came from the direction of Helen’s centre and she looked down to see Nikki looking at her most inner parts with such adoration it brought tears to Helen’s eyes.

“Nikki?”

Nikki looked up to her lover seeing the pleasure on her face.

“God Helen, you taste so good, you are so beautiful”

Before Helen had the chance to reply Nikki’s mouth was suddenly around her hard sensitive nub sucking as though her life depended on it. Helen could not catch her breath, she wanted to scream out, but so intense was her pleasure all she could manage was to lie back her mouth open with short gasps of air coming from her. She could feel her orgasm approaching, if Helen thought she knew what it was like to lose control she was mistaken. She finally found her voice and screamed out Nikki’s name, over and over again as wave after wave of the most intense, explosive orgasm she had ever experienced rocked through her body.

“Oh God ….Nikki … yes … yes Nikki Nikki Nikki …….

“Nikki … Nikki …?”

Nikki was brought back to the present with a crash as she heard Claire calling her name.

“Yeah sorry, I was miles away”

“So I could tell, we’re here”

***************

Helen sat at her Mother and daughters grave stone wanting nothing than to be in her Mothers arms, she knew her Mother wanted her to live, to be happy.

“I cant Mum, I just can't, its too hard, I need you, he wont go away, he wont leave me alone Mum. Who is going to protect me.”

A voice in Helen’s head was telling her to talk to Nikki, she needed her. But Helen could not go to her, she had to protect her, she had to protect her from the person she really was. The rational part of Helen knew that if anyone could understand it would be her, being in prison herself for killing someone. But this was different, Helen had killed her own Father and she believed she did it in cold blood. He was not hurting her or anyone else at the time, she crept into his room while he was asleep and killed him when he was unable to defend himself. Helen knew that was unforgivable and she did not deserve to live, and did not deserve to be in Heaven where she knew her Mother and Baby were. Helen honestly believed, that if she accepted what she had done and took her own life to compensate taking his, God would allow her to be in Heaven. She did not deserve to be happy with Nikki, she did not deserve the love of another person, and must take herself away from the temptation of wanting it with everything hat she was.

She looked up to the sky noticing how dark it had got and for the first time she became aware of the unbelievable drop in temperature. Helen curled her body up into a ball and lay down on her Mother’s grave silent tears cascading down her face. She could feel her body freezing, her breath coming in short gasps, she could feel her body giving up, everything in her slowing down, slowly her body was telling her it was time and she allowed it to take her into oblivion as she closed her eyes and prayed the end would come soon.

**********

“Nikki, I got the car, come on lets go” Claire came out of the hired car office making her way over to Nikki.

“Claire just look how dark it’s got, and its freezing, my God Claire, if Helen is outside somewhere …”

“I know Nikki, I know we have to hurry”

Both women could feel the panic rising inside them, they had to get to Helen in time. They were not entirely sure how to get there and it being so dark with them driving in a place they do not know, well they both began to wander, would they get to her in time, or would it be too late?
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MJNet
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Governor
Chapter 31

“This is it Claire, pull over”

Relief washed over Nikki as they found themselves outside Helen’s childhood home, Nikki checked the address once again to make certain they were in the right place.

“Nikki”

The taller woman turned to Claire and saw she was looking towards the side of the house at an eerily dark and cold graveyard. They were definitely in the right place. Before either woman had time to think they had both rushed through the gates, their eyes desperately searching out the woman they both loved. They decided to separate in the hope they could cover the ground much quicker. They had not been searching more than 5 minutes when Nikki heard her name being screamed in a voice so full of fear and anguish she literally felt her heart stop.

She turned and ran in the direction of her voice and the site that greeted her was something she had feared from the moment she had learned of her lovers disappearance.

Helen’s lifeless body lay across two graves and Nikki could just about make out the names of her lovers Mother and Daughter from the cold light coming from the fleeting moon. Claire stood over Helen not daring to touch her, Helen was not moving and did not appear to be breathing at all. They were too late, she was gone, Claire could tell just by looking at her that her best friend was no longer there. It was not just the fact she appeared to be so lifeless but it was her eyes as they stared so unmoving with no life behind them. The only sign to indicate Helen was once a alive were the stained streaks of tears running down her cheeks, her eyes still slightly damp.

Nikki, had thought that the site of her lover lying on the bathroom floor was enough to haunt her for life but the scene that greeted her now scared Nikki to the core. She could tell Helen was gone, not to be brought back this time.

“My God how could I let this happen. I shouldn’t have left, I should have fought with her made her talk to me” These were the thoughts that ran through Nikki’s head as she stared down at the woman she loved. Her eyes staring back into nothingness, seemingly lifeless.

Claire jumped as a heart wrenching scream pierced through the stillness of the night and she watched as Nikki fell to her knees cradling her lover in her arms.

“Helen ….. Helen ….please don’t leave me, you cant leave, you selfish bitch wake up”

“Nikki!!!!!” Claire was appalled at Nikki for saying such things, but at the same time could understand, it was not anger at Helen herself, just the anger of losing her.

“God Claire, she is so cold, her body is freezing, she’s gone Claire, where has she gone, I want her here, I need her here, I have to protect ….. “

Nikki did not get to finish her sentence, as she spoke her hands were running over her lovers face, trying to suffuse warmth into her body, her hands travelled to her neck.

Claire watched Nikki staring at Helen all speech gone.

“Nikki? … Nikki, what is it?”

“She’s got a pulse Claire, its weak but its there”

Claire immediately took out her mobile phone to call an ambulance, she had stupidly not thought of it before being rooted to the spot staring at her best friend presumed dead. As soon as she was off the phone, having got the promise from the operator that an ambulance would be there as soon as possible she joined Nikki on the cold wet ground.

“Come on Helen …. Wake up …. I know your there somewhere, I know you can hear me.”

“Nikki, her eyes, why are her eye’s like that?”

“I don’t know Claire, I think she’s in shock” Nikki tried again, she had to keep trying.

“Helen, please baby, please wake up … I need you” She knew it was selfish but it was true, she really did not know how she could survive without Helen by her side.

Just then the sound and sight of sirens could be heard, and everything that followed after happened so quickly that Nikki hardly had time to catch her breath.

The paramedics rushed over and Nikki quickly got out of the way.

“What’s her name?”

“Helen Stewart”

“Sorry?” The paramedic hardly heard the small crackly tear filled voice coming from Nikki. She cleared her throat so to speak more clearly.

“Sorry, It’s Helen Stewart.”

“Helen, Helen can you hear me” They shined a light into her eyes, trying to see what her responses were, but there appeared to be none, she may be just about alive, but she was not in there.

Another paramedic rushed over with a stretcher which they quickly lifted Helen on to and took her to the ambulance. Nikki turned to look at Claire, no words were needed.

“Its ok Nikki, you go with her, I’ll follow you in the car and meet you there.” Nikki squeezed her arm in thanks before rushing into the back of the ambulance.

“Miss …?”
“Nikki. Please call me Nikki.”

“Your friend…”

“She’s my partner”

“Sorry, well your partner is suffering form hypothermia and has gone into shock. Can I ask do you know how long she has been out there.”

Tears were welling in Nikki’s eye’s she could feel them clogging her throat but knew she had to hold it together. She had to help Helen in every way she could.

“Nnnn….ooooo, Claire and I have been looking for her, she went missing not long after a suicide attempt. She is depressed and needs you help.”

“We will try our best to help her, I promise.”

Just as he made that promise the machine Helen had been so quickly wired up to began to beep continuously and the doctor was suddenly up on his feet with two pads in his hand.

Nikki knew what was going on, she had watched Casualty, it was one of Helen’s favourite programs which Nikki was forced to watch because Helen always got so upset.

“Why do you do it to yourself Helen”

“Shut up”

Nikki looked down to her lover and could not suppress the grin on her face, Helen was snuggled up to Nikki, tears streaming down her face as she watched yet another episode of Casualty. A young man was dying due to cancer and he was saying his final goodbyes to his family. His young daughter sat on his bed, no older than seven maybe eight, trying hard to hold back tears desperately trying to be strong for her Daddy. Nikki, didn’t mean to smile, it was a sad scene and many people went through it, but she just loved the way Helen got so involved with the characters and cried as if she was losing someone dear to her.

Helen would snap at Nikki if she so much as breathed too loud during an episode so she was particularly annoyed when Nikki would take the piss out of her. The episode came to an end and Helen wiped her eyes with the tissues Nikki always had at the ready for her.

“Your such a bitch Nikki Wade” Helen said smiling when she had finally got her emotions under control.

“And you are totally adorable Miss Stewart”

“Mmmmm is that right”

As much as Nikki hated to see Helen cry it made her voice low and husky, Nikki found it so sexy it turned her own to such an extent she had to have Helen right then. She bent down to whisper in her lovers ear.

“Do you want me to make you feel better baby?”

“Oh, and how do you plan on doing that?”

Nikki quickly changed their positions so she was straddling Helen on the sofa.

“I’m going to tease you till you can’t breath and you beg me to fuck you still you scream”

“Oh God Nikki” With that she took Helen with a passionate kiss, slowly making her way off the sofa to kneel on the floor not once breaking the kiss.

Helen did however and looked at Nikki annoyed at the loss of bodily contact. Nikki just smiled at her lover twisting her body round by her legs until Helen was half sat half slouched on the sofa, her centre in the perfect position for Nikki’s wanting mouth.

Helen lifted her hips slightly as Nikki quickly and expertly removed the barriers covering Helen’s sex and then knelt in between her lovers legs, placing them over her shoulders.

She began by licking the inside of Helen’s thigh’s eliciting a moan from the smaller woman. The simplest touch from Nikki was always enough to take her to the edge, and rather than diminish with the time they were together it just got more intense. It amazed Helen how this woman could effect her, but her thoughts were soon silenced as all she was aware of was what Nikki’s mouth was doing to her right then.

Nikki blew around Helen’s clit, but not yet putting her lips to it, her index finger slowly making light circles at Helen’s opening but not filling her until the time was right.

“God baby, you are so wet”

“Nik…. Kki.. don’t….. tease me …. Please.”

“Please what Helen”

“I …want you”

“Where Helen, where do you want me”

The whole time Nikki was asking these questions she continued to blow with just enough pressure to drive Helen wild but don’t enough to take her over the edge.

“Tell me how you want to be touched baby”

“Oh Go ….dddd Nikki please”
“Tell me”

Helen was getting frustrated now, Nikki loved it when she was like this, she became so out of control and demanding. She lifted herself up slightly to be looking down on Nikki between her legs.

“You are such a bitch Nikki Wade”

“That is the second time you have said that to me tonight, lets see if I cant change your mind. Now tell me.”

“I want your fingers inside me, fucking …me …hard … deep …. fast.” Helen’s words were delivered breathlessly, she did not know how she managing to breath, let alone talk.

“What like this?” Nikki did as requested and immediately thrust three fingers inside Helen delving as deep as she could. Her fingers slipped in easily, so wet was her lover, and there was even room for a fourth which Nikki added willingly. She looked up at Helen who had fallen back on the sofa, her eyes closed a look of ecstasy on her face. Nikki was so turned on by the feel of her lovers hips bucking hard to meet the thrust of her fingers.

“OHHHHH GOD …. YES ….YESSSSSSSSSS…” Helen was screaming already but Nikki wasn’t done yet, she slowed her fingers down knowing Helen would be really pissed off by this point, and she was not disappointed.

“Don’t you dare stop Nikki, I will kill you I swear.”

“What else do you want Helen.”

“NIKKI”

“What else”

“I want …. I want ….your tongue on my clit, I want you to ….taste me, fuck… me with your fingers and …. And …. make love to me with your mouth.”

Before long Helen was completely filled by her lover, but Nikki held back from tipping her over the edge until Helen looked at her.

“Helen look at me” She looked down at her lover who had her eyes raised as her tongue worked wonders between her legs. They made eye contact and with a matter of seconds Helen was screaming out Nikki’s name, desperately trying to keep her eyes open and look at her lover as she came hard.

Nikki would never forget that look of love and pure desire in Helen’s eyes as Nikki gave her an orgasm, each one seemed to be better and more intense than the last.

“Charge” Nikki looked on with a such a strong sense of fear she never thought she could ever experience as the pads came down to Helen’s chest again and her body lifted off the bed as the paramedic tried desperately to re start the heart that Nikki cherished.
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sophiesworld2
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Out of Dorm
Whoops seem to have forgotten to post a few chapters. Here you go. Hope you enjoy.

CHAPTER 32

A week later Nikki sat next to Helen at her hospital bed, the doctors had assured Nikki she was out of the woods and it would only be a matter of time before she woke up. But the longer Nikki had to wait the more fearful she got.

She remembered back to that day in the back of he ambulance, she truly felt she had lost Helen for good in that moment as the paramedic struggled with urgency to bring her bac kto life.

“We’ve got her Nikki, she’s back with us”

The sound of the machine indicating Helen’s once again steady heartbeat was like music to Nikki’s ears.

“That’s it baby, fight, fight for us, for you, come back to me baby. I’m here waiting, I’m not going anywhere ever again.”

Nikki looked down at Helen while holding her hand tightly, she refused to let go of her hand for even a second unless in dire need of the toilet. The doctors had learnt days ago that it was pointless trying to get Nikki Wade to leave the hospital. Luckily Helen was in a private room so they decided to let her stay.

Claire regularly came by to visit, she popped in everyday to check on Helen and also to check on Nikki, who had not slept or eaten properly for days now. Everyday Claire would come in with a steaming hot coffee for Nikki and something nutritious, almost forcing the taller women to eat or she would be no good to Helen when she woke up. Trying to get Nikki to eat was like trying to a five year old to eat her vegetables and today was no easier for Claire.

“Nikki please you have got to eat something, its not a lot, only a sandwich.”

“Claire I’m not hungry, please just leave me alone”

“No Nikki I won't, now I swear to God if you don’t eat this sandwich I am going to tell on you when Helen wakes up”

“Claire for Gods sake I am not a child”

“Then stop acting like one and eat the God damn sandwich”

Nikki could finally see the funny side and a small smile crept onto her lips as she took the sandwich from Claire mumbling a begrudged “thank you”

Claire just laughed at her and ruffled her hair.

“There’s a good girl”

“And you better eat every last bit of that sandwich Nikki Wade, I'm sure Helen won't want her woman looking like a scarecrow.”

"What woman" a croaky voice uttered.

Nikki and Claire looked up to the bed shocked as the smallest little voice came from Helen, her eyes were open and she was starring at them both with a questioning look on her face.

“Helen, you’re awake” was Claire’s astonished reply. Nikki could not form the words, she simply stared at her lover tears welling in her eyes, it had been too long.

“Of course I’m awake Claire, how am I supposed to get any sleep with you yapping on", Helen's eyes crossed to to the other occupant of the room, her throat constricted and a gasp rose from her mouth as she saw the one woman who she would never expect to see again, it was impossible;

"Al.....Alex?”

“Helen?!!!” Nikki’s words were barley a whisper as she looked in confusion at her lover.

“I’ll get the doctor” With that Claire left the room leaving the two women alone.

“Helen, I cant believe your awake, finally.”

Helen continued to stare in dazed silence at the vision before her, never again did she think she would see Alex before her.

"Helen..... its me Nikki"

Helen looked back at Nikki with a puzzled look upon her face, an expression which soon changed to anguish as the truth came rushing back to her, it couldn't be Alex.

"So.......sorry what did you say your name was? I don't seem to remember Claire introducing us before. Wha.....what am I doing in hospital anyway?"

"Helen .....you collapsed, we ....."

"What do you mean I collapsed? when was that, how long have I been here?"

"You have been here just over a week, the dr sai....."

"A WEEK, what do you mean a week? why don't I remember?"

Helen was beginning to panic and get upset, she didnt even remember feeling ill, let alone fainting and being taken to hospital. Nikki could do nothing but watch and feel agitated at Helen's confusion and obvious distress. .
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sophiesworld2
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Out of Dorm
CHAPTER 33

Megan had now spent several weeks of her lonely existence in the psychiatric wing of the dreary Victorian hospital. What little heat the ancient iron radiators managed to emit simply drifted towards the high ceilings, leaving the residents below shivering in vain. The majority of the walls were covered in a pale cream paint, which blistered and peeled in various places, although some of the rooms such as the dayroom were painted in a tasteless shade of pea green, with the intention of having a calming effect upon its occupants. In reality most of the patients wouldn’t even be able to tell you what colour the walls were painted, instead they spent their days trapped deep in melancholy, or otherwise distracted by the mindless programs that blared out on a continuous basis from the television screen situated in the corner.

The constant din provided by the television in the day room was a sharp contrast to the hospital corridors. The squeaky green lino covered floor that had long lost its shine served only to amplify the cries of despair and anguish that echoed through the darkened corridors during the endless nights. During the day the sounds of torment were replaced with the hum of voices and squeaking of the hospital trolley wheels as they passed by on their daily duties. Occasionally the atmosphere would be pierced by the type of scream that only a madman or woman could make, shortly followed by the shouting voices of the nurses as they desperately tried to constrain the violent outburst that had erupted from one of the patients.

Megan spent the vast majority of her days sitting in the day room, looking but not focusing on the other occupants, her fellow patients in the community of craziness in which she lived. She had sat in the same small chair in the corner of the day room since the first day she had been allowed to enter, clutching a cushion to protect her emaciated body. Megan regularly left the confines of the room, under the escort of one of the nurses who accompanied her to the room where she was forced to eat the hospital meals that consisted of a tasteless mush. Megan had realised that permission to visit the dayroom was only granted if she ate the food that was provided. Every mouthful was consumed without tasting, it was an automated response, yet again something was entering her body that she did not want. Megan had been complying with her eating regime for the last two weeks, yet she had barely put on an ounce of weight much to the frustration of the medical staff.

Megan continued to stare into the distance while swallowing the sloppy mush, her arm mechanically lifting the spoon from the plate, placing the food in her mouth, food that she didn’t chew, just simply swallowed. Janice one of the female nurses sat opposite watching every mouthful. Megan could feel Janice’s eyes burning into the body that once contained her soul, watching the food fill the empty gap that was left behind. With each mouthful Megan almost felt a sense of triumph, she was doing exactly as required yet she still wasn’t putting on weight, she was winning, eventually she would starve herself to death and the nurses were powerless to do anything about it. Over the past two weeks Megan had perfected the art of regurgitating all of the food that entered her pitiful body without making a sound. The nurses stood outside her toilet cubicle oblivious to her actions behind the closed door. Megan was careful to ensure that she didn’t raise the nurses’ suspicions by sometimes waiting up to an hour before she secretly emptied her stomach of its contents.

At last Megan had the control she had so desperately craved since her mother had died and her father had began to systematically abuse her body, she had the power to end her own life. Megan was so focused on her task of self-destruction that she had successfully managed to block out everything that surrounded her; she even believed that she had the power to stop her stomach digesting any food before she had the opportunity to rid herself of its poisonous contents. The only physical connection she had with her own body was to the hunger that penetrated deep within, with each pain she felt an intense feeling of pleasure, satisfaction with the knowledge that she was one step further to achieving her ultimate goal, that of death.

Megan’s attention was briefly bought back to the room as with a clatter, the plates before her were removed, it was time to return to the dayroom where her fantasies of death would continue. As she seated herself in her usual corner her attention once again was drawn to the person who sat in the opposite corner of the room, the young man who seemed to continuously stare at her whilst muttering phrases of damnation under his breath. Michael was a young man in his mid twenties, just under six foot tall with light ginger hair, his face was covered with freckles and his eyes were an almost opaque colourless blue. Megan had originally felt slightly uneasy about his colourless eyes that constantly monitored her, but her thoughts soon over took and dragged her from the present, until Michael no longer existed. Megan knew that nothing in the physical world could cause her distress, her body and mind had suffered so severely at the hands of her father that any further torment held no threat.

Once again Megan was interrupted, she was becoming increasing more irritated with those who tried to communicate with her, the people who pretended they cared, acted like they understood when she knew nothing could be further from the truth. The sound of metal chair legs being scraped along the lino floor made her hair stand on end. Several nurses were encouraging everybody to move their chairs into a circle, it was group therapy time! So far Megan had simply sat on the outskirts of the circle, she couldn’t be bothered to engage in conversation with the other members of the group, in fact she couldn’t even be bothered to concentrate on what the others were saying. On the odd occasion someone had grabbed her attention long enough to listen to what was being said or shouted, depending upon the individual involved, it hadn’t made sense anyway. Most of the people in the group had two conversations going on at the same time, one that took place in the room and the other in their own heads, meaning the phrases that they did come out with were disjointed and had very little to do with what anybody else was saying. Megan had better things to do with her mind and time than to listen to a bunch of crazy people talking nonsense. Sometimes she wondered, was she the only person in the room that realised that none of what anybody said made sense, not even the medical staff seemed to notice! Too much time spent with a bunch of nutters Megan surmised.

Everyone in the room was supposed to be either criminally insane or just down right insane, well accept the nurses of course, although Megan had her own ideas about that. So far Megan had managed to avoid discussing her own situation and the reason why she had been sectioned with anyone. In fact she hadn’t uttered one single word since her incarceration nearly two months ago. Megan didn’t want everybody looking at her with the same look of hatred and disgust she had seen in her father’s eyes, and they would if they knew why she was here, what she had done. It was enough that Megan hated herself and that God hated her even more; she didn’t need that hatred to be intensified by everybody else in the room. It was this belief that had helped Megan to maintain her pact, the promise she had made to herself when she had been forcibly removed from her fathers house, the pact of silence.

As the weeks had slowly passed Megan had found herself slipping in some ways, her ultimate goal of death through starvation was progressing nicely, and she felt positive that soon there would be an end to her suffering. Megan also found her continued silence was easy, after all she hadn’t spoken for several years, her father had forbidden it. However Megan was finding it increasingly difficult to maintain detached from the people and events that surrounded her. Whilst suffering at the hands of her father, Megan had almost always remained in her secret world, that special place where no one could reach her, and where nothing could harm her. Megan had spent years constructing the belief that she was in fact Helen, Helen who had died at birth and was watching the torment that her sister Megan suffered at the hands of their father. This was her coping mechanism, deep down she knew that she was Megan the one who was suffering, but if she concentrated hard, if she withdraw from reality enough she could pretend she wasn’t suffering. Instead Megan spent her time believing that she was Helen, and was witnessing the pain and torture through the eyes of another, through the eyes of somebody who was already dead, which is what Megan longed to be.

Finally everybody in the room was seated in the circle, although several of the patients were still muttering to themselves and others were twitching. Some like Megan, remained in their own closeted worlds, their bodies may be present but their thoughts were somewhere else, trapped inside their own darkened space. During the group sessions everybody was encouraged to talk. Several topics were usually discussed; including the reasons why they were here in the first place, as well as their relationships and interactions with the other patients. Michael sat in his usual place opposite Megan, and as was still staring at her, while muttering his mantra under his breath “we will all burn in hell”. Megan knew that Michael was right, she couldn’t speak for the other people in the room, but she could certainly speak for herself. In fact Megan thought it strangely ironic that she had spent years subjected to her fathers words of cruelty which had convinced her that she was going to hell, only to be reminded on a continual basis by Michael, therefore it must be true. Either way she didn’t really care, she had known it to be true all along; her life of hell on earth would soon be replaced by an eternity of hell after death. Although a small part of Megan secretly believed that she would be reunited with her mother, and it this was the part of Megan that was driving her towards death; she had to take that chance.

Marie and Janice were the two nurses running the group session, and they started by going around the circle asking the patients how they were feeling today. Some of the patients didn’t respond, others simply shrugged their shoulders, those that did respond were mainly miserable, apart from Michael who thought the whole exercise was useless seeing as they were all going to burn in hell anyway, the nurses included. This news seemed to upset two of the other patients; Josie and Bill who started arguing with him, which in turn made Michael more insistent by shouting at the top of his lungs “YOU’RE GOING TO HELL” over and over. Megan sat in her chair and continued to watch the escalation of the situation; she had learnt from past events that if Michael didn’t calm down the hypodermic needle would soon be making its appearance. Once Michael got started on one of his rants there was no stopping him, none of the staff were able to calm him down, so sedation with diazepam was the only option.

Suddenly everyone’s attention was diverted from the room into the corridor outside, where two of the nurses were manhandling a new patient through the doors, she was screaming at the top of her voice and kicking out at the nurses. She managed to kick one of the male nurses on the shin, and then bit him on the hand while his attention was temporarily distracted by the pain in his leg.

Marie rushed from the room to help with the new patient and tried to calm her “Come on love, try to calm down a bit, if you just calm down you’ll see that nobody is going to hurt you”, she did her best to make it sound as though she believed it.

Megan watches as the girl of about fifteen continues to struggle, either she didn’t hear a word that Marie said or she chose not to believe it. The girl lashes out at Steve the male nurse once more and manages to knock him off balance, seeing her opportunity she breaks free and runs down the ward. Megan smiles as she watches Steve, Ed and Marie chase off after the new patient. Steve and Ed don’t stand a chance as they puff their way after the girl, their huge overweight frames preventing them from building up speed. Before they are even close Marie has grabbed the girl and pulled her to the ground, Ed then assists Marie with controlling the girl while Steve goes to fetch Dr McKenzie.

Everybody in the dayroom is standing transfixed in the doorway watching with excitement and fear as the events unfold. Even Michael seems to have forgotten about burning in hell. Megan sees Steve return with Dr McKenzie, four against one seems unfair, no wonder the girl is petrified. The screams get louder as the Doctor and nurse march down the corridor to where she is held against the cold hard lino. Megan watches as the girl continues to struggle on the floor, her thin limbs exposed as she is only wearing a short hospital gown. Her hair is dark and cropped short against her head, her skin is darker than Megan’s own and she is almost as thin. Megan looks at the girls face which is contorted with torment, her large dark eyes stare out with fear as Dr McKenzie crouches down, needle in hand ready to ease the pain. The girl continues to struggle as Marie tries to calm her down. The occupants of the dayroom continue to watch in silence, Megan’s eyes meet with those of the girl and it is then that Megan realises that she is beautiful.
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sophiesworld2
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I only wrote this one today, so its all up to date now. Hope you enjoy

OK here is the next chapter, just so you know it has some dialect in it, as one of the characters is from the deep south, ie georgia, Alabama, somewhere in that region. Just in case you are thinking what the hell!


CHAPTER 34.


I continue to struggle as the pincer like grip of the nurse’s hands restrain my arms, holding me close to the cold floor as the doctor and the nurse I had earlier bitten march menacingly towards me. I begin to panic even more as I realise there is no escape, my breathing becomes erratic as I struggle to gasp for air. I can feel the bile rise in my throat, burning its way up from my empty stomach. My parched throat and mouth is suddenly engulfed by a rush of burning liquid as the acidic contents of my stomach spill forth onto the hospital floor.

The doctor is now kneeling at my side, his fat podgy hand gripping my flesh, steadying my arm as with his other hand he thrusts the sharp metal needle which pierces my skin. I can feel the cold liquid travelling quickly through the veins in my arm, forcing its way towards my pounding heart. The room starts to swim before me, I can no longer focus, my body is spinning out of control. The deafening noise in my ears suddenly starts to fade until I am incapable of hearing, my erratic heartbeat slows until it beats no more, my lungs no longer struggle for air. Finally I am no more.

The occupants of the day room continue to watch the scene at the other end of the hospital corridor as it unfolds before them. Janice the remaining nurse tries in vain to distract her patients, but they continue to watch transfixed by the struggle of the new patient. Some of the occupants are terrified, the treatment of the girl bringing back their own memories of such treatment, while others look on with detachment, their bodies and minds incapable of registering any feelings of emotion. To them its just another scene unfolding on a television screen, nothing is real, the boundaries between reality and fiction have become so blurred that they no longer exist.

Megan is frozen to the spot, unable to tear her attention from the beautiful eyes that have her trapped in their sorrowful gaze. Suddenly she feels her lungs gasp for air as she is released by the beautiful eyes before her when they flicker shut. Megan continues to watch as the girls limp body is lifted effortlessly from the cold hospital floor, she is transported into one of the sterile side rooms, the door banging shut behind her retreating form.

Marie, Steve and Ed walk back towards the dayroom with purpose. They realise the other patients will be difficult to control, as is always the case after they have witnessed unsettling events. Between them after some discussion the nurses decide it would be better for all of the patients to return to their individual rooms, or beds in the ward, they are easier to control this way. Megan is ushered back towards her room, as she passes the barred window she sees that it is becoming dark outside, the frost is beginning to settle as another cold winters day bids its goodbye. Being in a Psychiatric hospital is depressing enough, but even more so during this time of year. The dark oppressive winter days putting a dampener on everyone’s mood, and even more so if the wet weather prevents the patients going on their daily walks through the hospital grounds.

Megan settles back onto her hard mattress, for once she has escaped the ritual of her evening meal, the nurses must have forgotten after the earlier commotion. The light to her room is extinguished as the nurse exits shutting the door firmly behind her. Megan is left alone with her thoughts and fears, as all of her memories come flooding back. She gazes towards the hospital window, the amber light from the grounds below illuminating her tears as they silently glide over her face.


The following morning brings a subdued atmosphere on the ward, the previous day’s events affecting most of the patients. Megan is reluctant to leave her room, preferring to be alone with her thoughts as she tries to sort out the events whirring through her mind before her head explodes. Her attention keeps drifting back to the girl lying prone upon the hospital floor, the girl whose eyes pleaded with her for help and salvation. Megan felt some sort of connection, a sense a familiarity and this disturbed her.

Once more Janice escorts Megan from her room, explaining that they were going to allow Megan to eat her breakfast in the main dinning room today, in the hope that this would introduce some sort of normality and encourage Megan to interact with the other patients if she was treated more as an equal, rather than being separated at mealtimes. Of course this didn’t mean that Megan wouldn’t be monitored, she would still be expected to eat everything on her plate.

As Megan approached the long dinning table she noticed there were only two spare chairs, as all of the other patients were seated and already tucking into their breakfast. Megan weighed up her options, the one chair was directly opposite Michael, and so she definitely didn’t want to sit there, she already had enough of him staring at her in the dayroom. The other chair was next to a woman called Elizabeth who had some sort of compulsive eating disorder judging by the size of her. Neither option was very appealing, as she was worried Elizabeth would be watching what she ate. Megan had developed a strong anxiety about people watching her, particularly when it came to her eating habits. Megan found it was really difficult to starve yourself to death if someone was watching your every mouthful. Megan concluded her best option was to sit by Elizabeth, anything was better than Michael’s stare of damnation, and on the plus side maybe she could get Elizabeth to eat some of her food.

The relative silence of the dinning room was suddenly interrupted;

“CH…CHA….CHAIN, CHAIN OF FOOLS” bellowed out across the dinning room as a big black woman burst through the doors breaking free from the nurses grasp.
“GLORIA, this isn’t funny, now be quiet and sit down”

Gloria just ignored the nurses and continued to sing

“I'm just a link in your chain.
You got me where you want me
Ain't nothing but your fool
You treated me mean
Ooh,you treated me cruel

Chain,chain,chain
chain,chain,chain
Chain of fools”

“Gloria now that really is enough, just sit down and eat your breakfast, its your favourite; bacon and eggs” Marie tried her best to calm the patient down.

“Holy houn'dog hairs, Missy, will yo' jest calm down an' relax. ah's jest tryin' t'injeck a li'l happiness into this hyar god fo'esaken hell hole thet yo' varmints call a horspital, ah reckon.”
“ ah mean ain't yo' nurses evah thunk of lightenin' up a bit, no wonner ha'f th' patients in hyar wanna commit sueycide, lookin' atchar god damn mizzuable faces all day long, jesus”

“Now Gloria, there really is no need for such an outburst, you’re going upset all the patients, its been nice and quiet while you’ve been gone”

“nice an' quiet, nice an' quiet yo' say? mo'e like a funeral parlour eff'n yo' ax me! this hyar place needs a li'l livenin' up eff'n yer hankerin' mah hoomble opinion”

“Well no Gloria, I Do not want your humble opinion, and neither will Dr McKenzie, now if you don’t sit down and shut up I’ll have to go and fetch the doctor to see you”

“ah doesn't be wish t'see no dr McKenzie, than man is as mean as a houn'dog, an' smells like one too eff'n yo' ax me”

“Nobody asked you Gloria, I can see from your behaviour that you haven’t been taking your medication during your little excursion”

“mah li'l excurshun yo' say! Fry mah hide! is thet whut yer callin' it now? whuffo' doesn't yo' jest say whut yo' mean? thet yer dumb ass security guard is no match fo' mah brains an' inginuity an' let me excape. ah jest walked straight on outta hyar while yo' all sat on yer dumb asses doin' nothin' as usual, ah reckon. its not mah fault thet yo' kin't be bothard t'do yer jobs proper is it now?

Marie was starting to lose her patience with Gloria, the woman never knew when to shut up and always said exactly what she thought
“Look Gloria, you are really starting to try my patience, now will you please sit down, shut up and show some respect for goodness sake”

“respeck yo' say? yo''dnt knows respeck eff'n it bit yo' on th' ass. respeck indeed! Fry mah hide! I'll show yo' respeck” and with that Gloria once more burst into song;
“R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take care, TCB………….”

“GLORIA, SIT IN THAT CHAIR, OTHERWISE YOU LEAVE ME NO OPTION…..”

“Ok, alright keep yer hair on woomin, no need t'shout is thar? Jesus ennyone'd reckon i was causin' a riot. ah will jest set down in thet chair, jest like yo' ax me to ok?

“Thank you Gloria”

"whuffo' it be mah pleasure t'do as yo' say missy, its whut i live fo'"

Gloria smiled back at Marie and sat own in the chair opposite Michael, and noticed him staring at her, never one to keep her feelings to herself;

“Now look hyar Mr god high an' mighty, whut yo' reckon yo' lookin' at? on account o' i sho'nuff dont like th' way yo' is starin' at me wif them beady snake like eyes yo' got. Whuffo' dont yo' git back t'readin' thet god dadburn bible of yourn, heh?”

It brought a faint smile to Megan’s eyes to finally witness Michael being put in his place. Megan had overheard talk of a crazy black woman escaping from the hospital a few weeks ago, but had never actually met Gloria due to her own confinement within her room.

Gloria glanced around the table smiling at everybody
“Wal ev'rybody, ah bet yer all glad t'have me back isn't yo'. ah reckon its been real mizzuable aroun' hyar wif out me. i knows i haf missed yo' all thets fo' sho'nuff”

Megan noticed that the majority of the tables occupants did in fact smile back at Gloria, Elizabeth proceeded to fill Gloria in on the events that she had missed, including the arrival of the new girl, who apparently was called Alexandria. Megan sat back and watched the interaction between the two women, for once she was able to take notice of the people around her.

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sophiesworld2
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Out of Dorm
Hi, this chapter is written by OWS, but she is having difficulty posting it so asked me to do so.

I hope you enjoy (SW)

OWS: Ok i am finally getting myself back into writing, my muse is not totally back but is creeping in a bit. This is only a short update just to kkep you goin - hope you enjoy. (If you can still keep up with this story im getting lost myself lol)


Chapter 35

"I don't understand Doctor why does she not remember me. And who the hell is Alex"

Nikki did not know what was going on, Helen had no idea who she was, a look of love crossed her face when she whispered the name Alex in disbelief, but that soon turned to disappointment when she learnt Nikki was not that person. Who was this Alex person that gave Helen cause to look like that?

"Im sorry Miss Wade, Miss Stewart seems to remember everything apart from who you are, it is not amnesia she is suffering from. It is more psychological"

"Psychological what the hell do you mean?"

"Well for some unknown reason a part of Helen's brain is blocking her from remembering certain events and that is evidently her life including you. Now whether this is a conscious or subconscious act I cant tell you. But all her scans have come back normal and there is nothing medically affecting her memory."

"So what the hell am I supposed to do, just go 'oh well never mind she don't remember me, not a problem ill just leave."

"No Miss Wade I suggest you talk to her, help her to remember again, remember you. But don't push her too hard it will cause her to withdraw into herself even further. Be gentle with her Miss Wade and patient her memory will return in time if Miss Stewart wants it to. Now Miss Walker tells me Miss Stewart was seeing a psychiatrist, I strongly advise Miss Stewarts continues with this."

After polite goodbyes the doctor took his leave of the small waiting area where Nikki was stood leaving the woman in turmoil with her own thoughts.

Why did Helen not remember her, why had her brain, conscious or not, made the woman she loves forget her, forget their life and all that they had. That all consuming love they had shared, all of it, gone. Without the memories what was it? Nikki could not believe all she had been through recently, her life was taking her from one heart break to another. But things had never been easy where her and Helen were concerned. They had come through so much together, each step making them stronger. Nikki was determined this would be no different just another milestone in the rollercoaster ride of Helen and Nikki. Nikki knew she could not give up, she had to fight, harder than she ever had before and she knew it would be worth every second. She would make Helen fall in love with her all over again if she had to, they were soul mates after all, they would find each other again and Nikki would wait no matter how long it took.

Helen lay her head back on her rather uncomfortable hospital pillow feeling totally exhausted. Claire had just left the hospital with her friend Nikki.

Nikki, Helen thoughts turned to the tall dark stranger, she seemed so familiar, like she had met her before. Which apparently she had, the woman had at first seemed upset that Helen did not remember her, crushed even. However, she had later come back into the room and explained to Helen she was a friend of Claire's and they had met on a few occasions. Helen could then not fathom why she was so upset at being forgotten and even more confused as to why the woman was sat by her hospital bed waiting for her to wake up.

"Maybe she was just being there for Claire, she seems a nice person, a good friend" Helen surmised.

This tall dark stranger reminded Helen so much of Alex, her thoughts then turned from the beautiful dark women to Alex, her Alex.


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stunning_simone
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G3 Curtain and Duvet!
great thxxxxxxxxxx
"The one who listens with their heart will understand"

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