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Jokes; Anyone have any jokes to share?
Topic Started: Jul 4 2006, 07:30 PM (17,829 Views)
bc gal
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I said SIT IN THAT CHAIR


Spread the Stupidity


Only in America .......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
________________________________________


Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
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Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
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Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
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Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
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Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
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Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
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Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
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I like this one!!!

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while. Spread the Stupidity!




"Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!!!!"
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notsuchabadgirl
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The ghost of Larkhall!
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A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above,

sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,

"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.

Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.

On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."


"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"


she replied..... "Forty-four," !!!
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bc gal
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I said SIT IN THAT CHAIR
This is to all our wonderful married BGs w/ men. ENJOY
What a perfect analogy!

________________________________________

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 toHusband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as

NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command:ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall theBoyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck!

Tech Support

:rofl
"Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!!!!"
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bc gal
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I said SIT IN THAT CHAIR



A Real Man...


A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.


No, wait...
Sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

Never mind. :rofl
"Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!!!!"
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bc gal
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I said SIT IN THAT CHAIR
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading the USA ....


Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . :)


And furthermore.....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ' LOW COST PROVIDER.'



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1.. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2.. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He ' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS..'

4.. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5.. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

(Loved this one!)

6.. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'


:lol1
"Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!!!!"
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silverballnz
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Hi from the land of the Kiwi.
:lol1 :lol1 :lol1 :rofl bc gal :clap
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silverballnz
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Hi from the land of the Kiwi.
Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.


:lol: :D
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Lisa289
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Welsh Bad Girl
The Muppets!
:rofl Love it Chris!
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I'm Not Just Perfect - I'm Welsh
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