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I Don't Even Feel Sad...; Part One: Helen's journal
Topic Started: Oct 24 2010, 03:50 AM (6,756 Views)
mlbach
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Keys for the handcuffs!
Disclaimer: Shed Productions made the characters, wrote the original stories, and have full copyright to them. We are using these characters simply for non-profit, entertainment value. The same goes for any other known copyrighted character/storyline where a cross over fiction is written.

I am happy to accept feedback openly by readers. (BOARD NOTE we would recommend if any length i.e. more than a couple of points, it is done privately away from the story itself).

One possible answer to that perennial S3 question: What was she thinking?!


Monday, October 23rd

Karen Betts and Jim Fenner are away together on holiday. I’m guessing that any chance of Karen ever using her brain to see through Fenner’s bullshit is now dead and buried. I’m left to cope with running G-Wing on top of my other duties as No. 1, but with any luck nothing major will happen to complicate things.

I appointed Sylvia as Acting Senior Principal Officer in Fenner’s absence—not that there is anyone else, but I felt it was politic to make a point of telling her. The woman positively purred. I think it’s the first time since I’ve known her that she didn’t respond with a snide or negative comment to something I said. Who knew it would be so easy to get on her good side. As for staying there…

We have a new Nigerian prisoner on G-Wing, sentenced to 8 years as a drug courier. Nikki, of course gave me a hard time about it—as though I have any say in sentencing!—but she did have a point when she said that Femi would have no way of knowing about available translators when she doesn’t speak any English at all.

While I try to arrange for a translator and other services, Thomas—bless his heart—offered to try to communicate with Femi. He was able to learn something about her home situation. She has six children at home, and she is locked away in a foreign country. I can’t think too closely about some of the things that go on in the justice system, or I would go mad.


Tuesday, October 24th

Hollamby—damn the woman!—had Femi thrown down the block. The entire wing is in an uproar, and I don’t blame them. She’d obviously been beaten.

I was—finally!—able to schedule a conference call with a translator and Femi. Fortunately—or unfortunately—Femi didn’t want to press charges for the manhandling she received, so the officers responsible are home free. Good for them—bad for the feeling amongst the inmates on the wing.

Nikki was especially stroppy, demanding to know how Femi was, asking to see her. Doesn’t she understand that she is undermining my authority by talking to me that way, as surely as if she kissed me in front of everybody? Anyway, I can’t give her that kind of information—I’d be breaking about 10 different privacy regulations.

I’ve contacted Allocations trying to locate another Nigerian prisoner with a background similar to Femi’s, preferably one who also speaks English. There’s bound to be at least one—Femi can’t be the only Nigerian woman who’s been made into an example. If the two of them can share a cell, it would be a comfort to them both.

I’ll be glad when this whole bloody mess is over.
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terriw1979
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Terriw1979
I love the idea behind this. great start.
terriw1979@hotmail.co.uk
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Nikki's only luvver
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Up to Basic
Well this sounds as though its going to be interesting to see Helens thoughts on what was going on at that time. Nice writing.
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zena
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I said SIT IN THAT CHAIR
A new story, yay Great begining, waiting patiently for more. lol
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mlbach
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Keys for the handcuffs!
Thanks! Hope I can pull this off--the wee one has a complicated mind...


Wednesday, October 25th

Damn it all to hell! And damn you, Nikki Wade! This is the last straw. I don’t care what your motivations were—your methods are at best naïve and at worst downright dangerous.

She actually seemed surprised that their demonstration became violent—as though there could be any other outcome, with inmates, many of whom are in prison for violent crimes, on one side, and screws, who mostly have the same sour attitude as Hollamby (she’s just more open about it), on the other.

It’s a miracle that no one was badly injured, much less killed. Thank god Fenner and Betts weren’t here. I have no doubt that Fenner would have taken the opportunity to seriously injure Nikki, and after the way Betts jumped the gun during the Dockley stand-off, I’m not sure I would trust her, either.

Everybody is safely banged up, now, and the clean-up is underway. I ended things with Nikki—completely. She betrayed me, and then had the balls to say it wasn’t about me, it was about the system. Who does she think is the system, if not the person in charge? I used very harsh language, I was that mad. I told her I didn’t even feel sad about breaking it off. That’s still true. All I feel now is relief—relief that I can just treat her like any other woman in my care without worrying that I might say the wrong thing and hurt her feelings, or that she’ll use her good graces with me as license to go off half-cocked on some other hare-brained rescue mission.

From now on, I can just do what I know will be in her best interest within the constraints of the rules and regulations. Our relationship caused me to do things I would never have done for any other prisoner: I probably wouldn’t have contacted Claire, and I wouldn’t have photocopied her file. But, done is done. Her appeal process is well underway, and I can’t say I regret anything that I did to help it along. But from here on out, I’m going strictly by the book.


Thursday, October 26th

The prisoners have been released from lock-down, and things on G-Wing are more or less back to normal.

I was looking out my office window and saw Nikki and Caroline Lewis go into the potting shed together. They were in there for some time. I couldn’t believe that Nikki would become involved with someone who exploited children, and I don't believe that she would involve herself with anyone without first learning what kind of person they were.

I asked Barbara Hunt, as casually as I could manage, what she knew about Nikki’s new friend, and learned that Caroline is claiming she is in for embezzlement. I can understand why a child abuser would lie to keep other prisoners from knowing what she was really in for, but I am now suspicious that Caroline wants a relationship with Nikki purely to protect herself. Everyone on the wing knows Nikki’s story. She would have found out her first day there that Nikki killed a cop to protect her lover. Nikki is so vulnerable now, on the rebound from me breaking things off with her. Like most child molesters, Caroline is probably good at manipulating people, and Nikki can be so child-like in her willingness to believe the best of people once they have won her trust.

I went to find Nikki to talk to her about it, and found her and Caroline in the library in mid-kiss. After Caroline left the room Nikki accused me of acting out of jealousy. As much as I wanted to tell her everything about Caroline, all I could do was warn her to be careful, which I could see only confused her.

To make matters worse, it seems that during the riot someone went through the files in the PO’s office and stole a number of sentencing forms. I suspect it was Maxi Purvis. All three of the Peckham Gang forms were missing, in addition to a few others that had no obvious connection with each other. Maxi is the only one of the three with the brains and cunning to have done it. One of the missing forms was Caroline Lewis’s. The cell searches didn’t uncover any missing paperwork, and there have been no rumors flying about Caroline, so I can only conclude that Purvis has some darker purpose for that information.

Relationships in prison can move at the speed of light, but I don’t think Nikki and Caroline have gone beyond the kissing stage. I hope they haven’t—if they have made love, then Nikki is in grave danger. I once saw a mob of inmates attack a child abuser in the yard at another prison. By the time the PO’s were able to intervene, she was so badly cut and beaten she had to go to hospital. Knowing Nikki, she might try to protect Caroline in that situation. It could be that that’s what both Caroline and Purvis are counting on.

(later)

I felt I had no choice but to ship Caroline out—for her own protection as well as Nikki’s. I included her name with three others, to make it less obvious what I was doing, and gave the list to Sylvia, citing over-crowding and overwork for her as reasons. For once her skiving ways were useful, and for the second time she didn’t have a snide response. And I know she’ll champion my decision, should anyone question it. So much for going strictly by the book.

Caroline will be shipped out tomorrow morning, and then I’m going with Thomas to his sodding medical conference. The lectures will be as exciting as watching paint dry, but at least it’ll get me away from Larkhall. Even the flat is too close, where I’d be surrounded by visual cues to memories that I need to forget and nothing to do but brood. And wonder if the phone will ring.

Thomas is good company, very easy on the eyes, and I’ll have someone to drink with. I plan to get pissed every night that I’m there.
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zena
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I said SIT IN THAT CHAIR
Its hard to know Helen is thinking like that, that she really has wiped Niki. Great writing I'm worried.
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mlbach
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Keys for the handcuffs!
Don't worry, Zena, this story takes place in the same world as The Right Tackle and There Are Ways--a fictional triptych, if you will--so there will be a happy ending.
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mlbach
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Keys for the handcuffs!
Sunday, November 5th

The conference was as big a yawn-fest as I thought it would be, but I managed to have a good time. Pleasant location, the weather was fine, the food excellent, and the bar very well stocked. It was great fun drinking Thomas under the table every night—the man is not much of a drinker. I had a wee bit of an unfair advantage, being able to catch up on lost sleep during the lectures (the few I bothered to attend)—all the practice I’d had at uni’ came in handy. I did manage to stay—mostly—awake for Thomas’s lecture. It was quite impressive—well researched and concisely argued. He really cares about imprisoned women. I’m glad he’s working with me at Larkhall.

I hardly thought about Larkhall at all, except for remembering what happened just before we left. The inmates were chanting, and mobbing Caroline Lewis’s cell door. The escorting PO had the presence of mind to pull Caroline back into her cell and lock the door. Nikki—thank god—was near the front stairway at the other end of the floor from Caroline’s cell, so she was well away from the mob scene. There’s bound to be additional fall-out over Nikki's relationship, however brief, with Lewis, but Nikki no doubt took it in stride. And maybe her fall from grace will make her less of a target to Maxi Purvis and the rest of the Peckham gang.

I have to work tomorrow, so I got pissed and slept on the drive home. When I got here, there were no messages on my machine, thank god.



Monday, November 6th am

I had a very strange dream last night. I dreamt I went into Nikki’s cell and crawled into bed with her. I might be tempted to think I was working out my sexual frustrations, except there was no sex in my dream—I just held her. It felt so real—not like your usual dream—complete with tactile sensations, tastes and smells. I felt very comforted during the dream. After I awoke, of course, I was very disturbed. I know I could consult our resident head doctor about it (ha bloody ha), but I think I’d rather not.

It’s almost as if Nikki is a poison—no, not a poison—a drug?—in my system that I have to get out. She hasn’t called since I’ve been home. I think she knows I meant it this time.

pm

Nikki wasn’t in the lifer’s group today, and the others that were there were very subdued. Maybe Nikki’s keeping a low profile—the fallout from the revelation about Lewis’s true status may have been worse than I thought. My casual inquiries didn’t garner any answers that indicated that she’d been injured or was even sick, so I’ll assume she’s OK.
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zena
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I said SIT IN THAT CHAIR
Helen is a master of denial, great update.
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mlbach
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Keys for the handcuffs!
Thanks! (Just call her Cleopatra...)
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Nikki's only luvver
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zena
Oct 26 2010, 06:10 PM
Helen is a master of denial, great update.

So right Zena!
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terriw1979
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Terriw1979
liked the update! interesting take on events from Helen's POV
terriw1979@hotmail.co.uk
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Jane22
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G2 landing
Loving this! Thanks for the update!
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GG72
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G2 landing
Thanks for Helen POV. :tumbup
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mlbach
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Keys for the handcuffs!
Tuesday, November 7th

I called Thomas tonight, just to chat. It’s so nice to talk with someone who is so obviously happy to talk with you—who lights up when they see you. I’ve missed that. I think that’s why so many people own dogs—they’re always glad to see you. Come to think of it, Thomas’s brown eyes look rather like those of a spaniel puppy. And I’d be willing to bet that he’d not refuse a tummy rub.

Sharon Wiley asked to see me today. She looked so different from just over a week ago. She seemed almost wraith-like, she’s that thin. I noticed that she’s taken to wearing a full-length sweat suit—no doubt to hide how thin she is. She said she no longer wanted her job as yard girl, which surprised me—that job is much sought after. Then it occurred to me that it might be too much of a reminder that Denny is no longer here—they used to work together. That may also be the reason she wanted out of the dorm and onto the threes, although I had thought she was friends with Crystal Gordon and Buki Lester. But I’ve also seen her spend time with Yvonne Atkins, so maybe she’d rather be close to a “mum” right now. Night times are the loneliest, though, and she’ll be alone, then. All of the lifers are alone.

I had the dream again last night. I’ve decided that my dream is a natural response to my knowing that Nikki’s having a hard time, and a desire to be a nurturing presence for her. I’m not going to worry about it anymore.
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