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| I Don't Even Feel Sad...; Part One: Helen's journal | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 24 2010, 03:50 AM (6,757 Views) | |
| mlbach | Nov 12 2010, 09:11 PM Post #31 |
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Keys for the handcuffs!
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Comfortable--you mean Nikki? Wednesday night is when she made love with Yvonne, so, yeah, on Thursday, she's much more "comfortable." |
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| zena | Nov 12 2010, 11:06 PM Post #32 |
I said SIT IN THAT CHAIR
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No Helen I think feels good about her "normal" life. |
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| mlbach | Nov 13 2010, 12:55 AM Post #33 |
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Keys for the handcuffs!
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You detect no undercurrent of discontent? I was trying to be subtle, but maybe I overdid it. Friday, November 17th Staked out the brothel on Cleaverhill Road from 7 to midnight. Fenner didn’t show. Saturday, November 18th Staked out the brothel at Weimar Road with Tom from 8 to midnight. Fenner didn’t show. Sunday, November 19th Staked out the brothel at Servingham Street from 7 to midnight. Fenner didn’t show. I told Thomas I would be going in late Monday morning, but I haven’t been able to sleep anyway, so I may as well go in at my regular time. Monday, November 20th Thomas gave me a hard time this morning about spending all my free time waiting to catch Fenner instead of spending more time with him, meaning making love with him. Why is it that as soon as you start a sexual relationship with a man, they assume that your biggest priority in life immediately becomes spending every available moment having sex with them? Thinking back, all of my lovers had that attitude. All but one, which is ironic, because in that one instance “increase of appetite had grown by what it fed on.” Nikki had her OU test today, and then came to the lifer’s group. She was very nippy during the session, which led me to ask her afterwards if her test had not gone well. She said her test “went great” and then, out of the blue, she asked me, “Is it true you’re shagging the new SMO?” Then she said she’d wished I’d told her myself, instead of letting Fenner do it for me. I was struck dumb for a moment, first by her crass way of asking the question, and then by sheer astonishment that Fenner somehow figured out that Thomas and I were together and wasted no time in passing the news onto Nikki. Before I had a chance to say anything, Nikki walked away, and I was left kicking myself for not telling her sooner. I’d had a number of chances, but could never bring myself to say the words to her. I went to her cell after lock-up to apologize, and told her I didn’t ever want Fenner having any advantage over her. She asked me if it was serious between Thomas and me, and then said that I shouldn’t worry about her: she has a new life waiting for her once she gets out. I was taken aback for a moment—her statement was so at odds with what I had seen for most of last week, but then I reasoned, well, why shouldn’t she have something else in the works? She’s beautiful, intelligent, a wonderful lover—any woman would be lucky to have her. I went to Yvonne and pressured her to get me more specific information from O’Kane. Later, she called me over to tell me there would be a pick-up tonight at the sauna on Fellows Lane. I have a good feeling about this. |
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| zena | Nov 13 2010, 02:28 AM Post #34 |
I said SIT IN THAT CHAIR
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Great update, leaves me wanting more. |
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| terriw1979 | Nov 13 2010, 10:20 AM Post #35 |
Terriw1979
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just a quick note to say I'm still following! |
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terriw1979@hotmail.co.uk | |
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| mlbach | Nov 14 2010, 01:03 PM Post #36 |
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Keys for the handcuffs!
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Thanks, zena. And thanks, teriw1979, for following. Hopefully enjoying, too... Tuesday, November 21st 2:30 am I caught Jim bloody Fenner coming out of the Fellows Lane sauna just after 1:00 in the morning. First he tried to bluster his way out, and then he tried to intimidate me. Fortunately there was a late model sedan parked across the way that I had noticed earlier, and I was able to bluff him into thinking I had a mate taking photographs, so he backed off. After threatening to take what I knew to Karen, I was able to force him to agree to resign!! I have waited so long for this day—to get justice for the hell he has put so many women through!! I want to celebrate, but he’s such a sly bastard I think I should wait until I have his signed resignation in my hand. It will be hard to sleep, though. pm Fenner pleaded for time to “make things right with Karen” before he handed in his letter of resignation, and I stupidly gave it to him. He used the time to find Barbara Hunt’s diary and that sodding nurse’s jacket in my drawer. What the hell was I thinking, hanging on to that bloody thing? I guess I wasn’t thinking. And Nikki, why, oh, why did you keep that bloody bus ticket?!? Maybe for the same reason I kept that sodding jacket. Now what the hell can I do—except try to make him believe that I discount the jotted musings of a bored prisoner. And that I believe the ticket and jacket were planted clues, and that any other sane person would believe the same. Why did I show him any mercy at all? I should have known better. When I showed him a moment’s concern once before, he sexually assaulted me. And if Karen is so bloody stupid she can’t see his true nature when it’s right before her eyes, that’s not my lookout. Except that I can’t help but believe that we could have been friends if it weren’t for his evil machinations, and that’s she’s just one more victim, along with the rest of us. Oh, god, this is such a bloody cock-up!!! |
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| zena | Nov 14 2010, 02:37 PM Post #37 |
I said SIT IN THAT CHAIR
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For someone so smart Helen can be so dumb. I'm sorry this is getting near the finish, great writing. |
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| mlbach | Nov 14 2010, 10:04 PM Post #38 |
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Keys for the handcuffs!
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Thanks, zena, I'm kind of sorry, too... Wednesday, November 22nd Fenner called my bluff, and then he threatened the one thing that I cannot, will not, jeopardize—Nikki’s appeal. I can’t allow even the slightest question to be raised during that process; it might derail everything, and no amount of good that I could ever accomplish as No. 1 would offset that. So, I resigned. When I told Nikki, she tried to convince me to let Barbara lie for us. I couldn’t tell her how tenuous her appeal was. I just stood firm, maintaining that Fenner had too much over me, and that it was just my job at stake. I couldn’t risk having her feel so desperate that she would do something stupid, as she almost did the night she came to see me. I told her to focus on her appeal—that getting out of Larkhall would be her best revenge against Fenner. My assessment of her probable state of mind was confirmed when she told me her fears that she would be sent back to Larkhall, and that I was her “hope,” and how could she stand another ten years of prison with no hope? And then—oh, god!—she said that she couldn’t help thinking it was all her fault, that maybe it would have been better if we had never met, had never gotten involved, that she kept letting me down…! She was weeping as she said that. I told her to forget about me, and concentrate on her future. I ached to comfort her, to tell her that I didn’t, would never, regret anything that had happened between us. Thank god, Thomas came in just then, and I told her good-bye. Thomas pressed me to tell him why I was resigning, but I couldn’t tell him, either—not until after Nikki wins her appeal. The risks are just too great. After I told Karen (with Fenner smirking in the background), Thomas helped me pack up my personal belongings in my office. Then I put the report I wrote on Fenner into the inter-office mail addressed to Karen. Let’s see if she can ignore that! We ran into the devil himself in the hallway, and I told Thomas to go ahead and wait for me at the car. I told Fenner I’d be dragging him down with me, and to “enjoy it while it lasts.” On my way out to the car park, I looked one last time at Nikki’s window. I couldn’t see her clearly, but I’m sure she was crying. Juliet weeps on her balcony, as Juliet exits through the prison gate. I got pissed and Thomas and I made love. Neither helped. |
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| mlbach | Nov 15 2010, 05:54 AM Post #39 |
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Keys for the handcuffs!
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Thursday, November 23rd This was the first day of Nikki’s appeal. There was no decision today, but Claire thinks it looks promising. Keeping my fingers crossed. I started making contacts for finding a new job and managed to line up a couple of interviews. I’m meeting Thomas for dinner later. 9 pm Thomas broke up with me tonight. He had that kicked dog look in his eyes and he said, “You’d tell me if there was someone else…” I lied and said I didn’t know what he was talking about. Of course, it was Jim bloody Fenner getting his boot in, one last time. He told Thomas about Nikki and my relationship, no doubt in the most insulting way possible. I told Thomas that it had been over between Nikki and me before he and I had ever gotten involved. He stood up, and—god help me—I asked him not to leave. He said I wasn’t even being honest with myself and went anyway. I’ve reread my journal from the day of that sodding demonstration over Femi. Almost every page is filled with Nikki, Nikki, Nikki—even when I wasn’t writing about her. How could I have been such a blind, bloody-minded fool? I walked away from the one person I truly loved, and stayed away because of my own stupidity and stiff-necked pride. I can still remember the look on her face when I told her it was over, and I said those hateful words. I’m now certain that when she started that protest, she was just being Nikki—big-hearted and caring—and I was just another screw with a pair of size nines and an ego to match. I should have listened to her more, trusted her more, instead of always insisting that she trust me and worrying so much how it looked for me to talk with her. She had been my trusted ally, and I pulled myself away from her—no wonder she felt she had to act on her own. God, Nikki, what I would give for another chance—to tell you how much you mean to me, how much I love you. When you win your appeal tomorrow, and I have no doubt that you will win it—I’ve prayed for nothing else for days—you will go to your new life without me. I’m guessing that you’ll be getting back together with Trisha. Maybe you only focused on me in the first place because she had broken up with you and you were at loose ends and lonely. I certainly can’t blame you for that. I know what loneliness can do to a person. When I was engaged to Sean, I was never so lonely in my life, except when I was with you. You at least save me from that disastrous mistake. And Thomas has saved me from any future ones, thanks to his words to me—they were a much-needed kick in the arse. As much as I loved Thomas, I know now that it was only as a friend, could only ever be as a friend. The few times he and I made love, it provided a much-needed release, but I was always left wanting. If you and I hadn’t spent that night together, I wouldn’t have known what I was missing. (God, I can still remember that smart-arse look on your face when you said those words to me!) I won’t go to court tomorrow—it would drive me mad. I’ll park myself in the pub so I can keep an eye on the news. And Claire promised to call me with the result, so, no matter what, I’ll know what happens. In the meantime, I’ll keep praying that you’ll go free. I’ll also pray that I’ll have another chance with you, but I won’t be greedy. I’ll be content if you can be free. Goodnight, my dearest Nikki. I hope you can find some peace and rest on your final night in that awful place. Raven-haired, caged yet wild, Soulful, lion-hearted child— Her mem’ry takes my breath awa’, And now breaks my heart, in twa. |
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| mlbach | Nov 15 2010, 01:54 PM Post #40 |
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Keys for the handcuffs!
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Friday, November 24th My Juliet on her balcony, My love—my Lark!—now loosed, flies free. In my heart grows your nesting tree: My precious bird, fly home to me. Nikki is free. Thank you, God. I’m waiting for a cab. I cabbed it to the pub, so I wouldn’t have to fetch my car later. I wouldn’t want to drive, anyway, the state I’m in. And cabbies probably know where all the clubs are. Claire said Nikki and Trisha would be celebrating at their club, but she didn’t know the name and they had already left, so I’ll have to do a bit of detective work. I go with a heart filled with hope. In Nikki’s statement to the media, she thanked me, though not by name, for her freedom, and her life. (Ah, Nikki—just writing that made me cry again!) It felt as if she were talking directly to me—the Nikki that I love, the Nikki that loved me. Where is that sodding cab? (later) The cab finally came, and the cabbie recommended a lesbian club across town. He waited while I went in to check it out. There was a party in full swing. At first I thought I was in the right place, but when I made my way to the bar I found out I was mistaken—it was just one of perhaps scores of such celebrations in gay clubs all over London (all over Britain?) at the news of Nikki's release. The bartender was able to tell me the name of Trisha and Nikki’s club—“Chix” (more birds!)—and helped me look up the address. (She also flirted with me, a little.) The cabbie seemed pleased to get the information, and said it will become a famous destination(!). God, we’re here. 7 pm I have my Nikki back! She’s taking a bath as I write this—she vowed to stay in until she turned into a prune. It was just another reminder of what a hell prison can be. I’d heard that a fair number of prisoners never feel safe to bathe in prison—Nikki may have been one of them. When I think about it, I can understand: you’re in a slippery tub, with enough water to drown in if you’re knocked out or just held under. Nikki never said any of that, she just looked at the tub with longing as I was setting out extra towels for her, and when I suggested that she go ahead and take a bath she smiled happily and said it had “been awhile.” For a time, it didn’t look as if she would be “my Nikki.” When I walked into the club, I saw her standing next to Trisha at the bar, and she came over to talk with me. I was at the point of telling her that Thomas and I had split up, when I saw Trisha watching us intently from the bar, like a mother bear guarding her cub. It completely flustered me, and made me think that things were settled between them and Nikki was just being gracious. I told Nikki I had to go, and left. Once outside, I felt I shouldn’t stay, but I couldn’t leave, not if there was any hope at all. I paid the cabbie, and then stood around feeling stupid, wondering what I should do. I didn’t have long to wait. My darling Nikki came running out, and watched my cab drive away. When I called to her, she turned to me with a look of such relief on her face that my heart leapt. She walked over to me and we started making that stupid small talk that you make when there is so much to say that you have no idea where to begin. When I told her that Thomas and I had split up, she didn’t react the way I expected. Maybe she thought that this was like the times I’d come to her after lock-up, looking for solace and a sympathetic ear. I realized I needed all my persuasive powers, and said what I thought would be most convincing to her: “I want a woman.” I could have said, “I want you,” which was true, but I knew that saying that wouldn’t help with the betrayal she must have felt when I took up with Thomas. And I know that if things didn’t work out between Nikki and me, I would not look for a relationship with another man. Ever. She said, “We’ll take things slowly,” which was very thoughtful (and very Nikki), and I said, somewhat teasingly, “Yeah, dead slow,” and we started kissing. On the sidewalk. In broad daylight. In bloody London. Then we moved to a doorway and kissed some more. After about ten minutes or so I was ready to become a less public spectacle, and I asked her if she wanted to come back to my flat and spend the night—or as long as she wanted. She said she would, and we went back inside the club for a drink while we waited for our cab. After Nikki retrieved her parcels of belongings, we stood near one of those tall tables drinking our drinks (ale in bottles?!), and Nikki accepted congratulations from latecomers. She introduced me to one person as her “friend, Helen Stewart.” I told her she could call me her partner—she could call me anything she liked. She smiled and introduced me to the next person as her “dear friend, Helen Stewart,” probably to stay true to her promise to “take things slowly.” Trisha came over, and she and I did our best to be gracious with each other—for Nikki’s sake. We both love her, we both hurt her, and we both want what is best for her, or what Nikki thinks is best for herself, and—at least for now—that’s me. It was somewhat uncomfortable, no doubt for all three of us, and I was that glad when the cab arrived. In the hours we’ve been together, Nikki hasn’t said anything to me about Larkhall, and I feel she should be the one to bring it up. Maybe she thinks that not mentioning it will make it disappear, or at least make any barrier between us disappear. I don’t want to force her to talk about it, but Larkhall is what brought us together, as painful as much of it was. I hope we can discuss those experiences someday. I want to share everything that I went through back then, and I long to know everything that she went through. I’m sure that, beyond the letter she gave me, she never wrote anything down. (Would that Barbara Hunt had followed that example!) Maybe the day will come when she will write some of it down, or at least discuss it with me. Until then, I can wait. But, for now, hurry up and get out of that damned tub, my darling Nikki. I want to make love with you all night long. |
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| zena | Nov 15 2010, 02:49 PM Post #41 |
I said SIT IN THAT CHAIR
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A wonderful ending, all the mistakes in the past. Great writing, thank you .Please write another soon. |
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| mlbach | Nov 15 2010, 05:50 PM Post #42 |
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Keys for the handcuffs!
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Sorry, zena, not quite done yet... Saturday, November 25th Nikki is still asleep and I’ll not wake her for the world. This will be the first day in years that she hasn’t been rudely awakened at dawn—since her hell with the prison service first began. I’ve unplugged all the phones in the flat but one, and I’ve turned the volume on that one down so that it will still record messages but we won’t have to hear it. Making love last night was so different from our first time. There seemed to be a hesitation and tentativeness on Nikki’s part that hadn’t been there before. It’s as if she doesn’t quite believe that I really love her, that I’m fully committed to our relationship. I know I’m the one that planted that doubt in her, so I’m the one that needs to root it out—by making sure that I never do anything that makes her question my love for her. Not that Thomas would want one, but I’ll not even try to salvage a friendship with him. It’s not worth it. She said one thing that I found rather disturbing: “You were right about everything…” and disregarded my words that that wasn’t true. Some might find that opinion flattering, but since I know I was wrong, about so many things, I don’t. I know that prison can be an infantilizing experience, being told what to do every minute of every day, so I hope that that sentiment will disappear in time. Believing I was “right…” may have helped her get out of Larkhall, but now that she’s out, believing that will only damage our relationship. In the meantime, I need to be mindful that she might give too much weight to things I say or suggestions I make, and act accordingly. We haven’t discussed her long-term living arrangements. I would love for her to stay here with me, but I don’t want my selfishness to jeopardize her recovery period. It may be that staying at Monica Lindsay’s halfway house would be better for her, or perhaps finding a place of her own. I think she’s happy being here—as am I!—so I won’t mention it for now. We’ll be able to spend the whole day together, today—and tomorrow. And tomorrow. And tomorrow…! I never would have thought I’d be happy to be unemployed. We don’t even have to leave the flat until we start running out of food. I’m glad I shopped Thursday! Speaking of food—I think I hear the shower, so I should probably start breakfast. On second thought, a shower sounds lovely… Fin. |
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| zena | Nov 15 2010, 07:24 PM Post #43 |
I said SIT IN THAT CHAIR
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I'm not sorry, maybe you might do Nikk's P O V that would be nice. |
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| terriw1979 | Nov 15 2010, 11:52 PM Post #44 |
Terriw1979
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This was fantastic, I really enjoyed it from start to finish. Thanks for posting and hope to see more from you soon. |
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terriw1979@hotmail.co.uk | |
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| Nikki's only luvver | Nov 16 2010, 08:29 AM Post #45 |
Up to Basic
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I've enjoyed reading Helens POV, so maybe Zena's idea would be good. So, even though this has finished, which was well written and a good read, I look forward to the possibility of more writing from you? |
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