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| A Prayer for the Wild at Heart | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 18 2011, 12:11 AM (523 Views) | |
| Danielle Barret | Jul 20 2011, 03:37 PM Post #11 |
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Once she knew he was gone, the loneliness settled over her like a blanket. As always, it first felt too suffocating for her to handle and it made her reach for another cigarette almost immediately, if only to give her hands something to do, then it settled into that dull ache and a misery she was by now quite used to. It still cut like a knife at times, especially because it was always accompanied with so much regret and so many memories. She allowed herself a few moments of bathing in it, reminded of a summer that had seemingly started out so perfect, with laughters and life on the beaches of her hometown. Still, the darkness had been looming over Jacob -- thinking his name was still painful -- and herself even back then and it had all turned to dust the moment she'd confessed her intentions of following in her father's footsteps to him. She lit the cigarette and took a drag, the smoke burning in her lungs and bringing tears to her eyes. Or perhaps it wasn't the nicotine, perhaps it was something else entirely. She wiped them away almost hastily, then sniffed once and settled back into the grass. She forced herself to settle back into the calmness of before, but as so many things in her life it was just another mask of hers. Still, it helped in a way. At least she wouldn't let herself break down again. She'd done that often enough in the summer. So focused on being on her own again, she almost managed to jump out of her skin at the sudden sound of something dragging along the wood planks close to her. Her head turned sharply into the direction of the sound, disbelief flickering over her face as Jadon's large form appeared again. His gaze had settled on her form and he was clearly out of breath. The question tumbled out of his mouth between breaths, as if he couldn't have stopped them even if he had tried. There was something very strange in his voice and for a moment he had caught her off guard which resulted in her simply staring back in silence. She didn't speak for long moments but stared at him even harder at his words, wondering whatever the hell had made him come back. She certainly hadn't given him any indication to stay, much less return once he'd walked away. "I don't do company," she finally voiced her thoughts and though her words were sharp, there was an edge to them that suggested that it wasn't as much of a defensive reaction towards his offer as it was an explanation, "it never ends well." She tilted her head. "My life isn't something I can just vent about, get it off my chest and things will look better in the morning." The sharpness in her voice grew. "It doesn't work like that. I'm past the point of believing that things stay simple just because we want them to. They don't. They get out of control and messy." Perhaps she wasn't making much sense but she suddenly found herself a little agitated. "So, do yourself a favour and walk away. I've no intention of messing up your life -- or mine, any more, for that matter." He couldn't just stay here and listen to her problems and give advice, then be done with it. They would get too close, in one messed up way or another. She'd seen it happen -- relationships, no matter of what kind, be it friend or foe, didn't work like that. And once he stayed to put up with her loneliness, they'd both be in something they had no control over. She couldn't afford to be in this with someone by her side, no matter how trivial. |
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| Jadon Gates | Jul 21 2011, 01:18 AM Post #12 |
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Danielle jumped as he cam back, and he frowned. Had she so expected him to go that his return was hardly anticipated? She hadn't heard him running either, then. That was no way to stay out on the pitch alone. If it hurt so much, whatever it was, that she couldn't even bring herself to keep herself protected, then he had to do something. It practically broke his heart to think of her like that, and perhaps that was the downfall of his vocation, but he truly wanted to help her. And while he knew he couldn't help while she didn't want him to, he would make the effort to let her know that he would be there if she needed someone, even once. He doubted she realized the sincerity of that dedication, but he could prove it to her. Gryffindors were known for being fierce guard dogs and happy puppies, after all. He didn't see why the perception should be any different for him. Jadon listened to her words, breaking down her explanation bit by bit. "You're right; there are things that you can't vent about and they'll get better about in the morning. I get that. I'm guilty of that. But I'm also guilty of understanding that life is messy, no matter what we do about it. That doesn't change, regardless of whether you're alone or not." He looks at the ground a moment, thinking through what he wanted to say next. He wasn't certain there was much else he could say. He'd already come dangerously close to telling her to grow up; not in so many words, but it could certainly have been taken that way. Even though he didn't mean it that way. He nodded at her command to walk away. "If you really believe that sitting together in silence will ruin your life, I have no place to argue that. Just know that I have no opposition to being used and thrown away if it will help you." Yeah, he'd said that. And really, as a tool, that was his purpose in life. It was how he'd been raised to think, to act, and to live. He'd taken a vow to help those in need. It didn't matter who that person was or what they did. So if it came down to it, then she could do exactly what he said. Use him and throw him away. Like a tissue. The thought made him scrunch his nose up, and he would have laughed if he weren't in the middle of a serious semi-discussion. He'd leave her be if she told him to get lost again, but there wasn't a guarantee that he'd stop talking to her if he saw her elsewhere. |
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| Danielle Barret | Jul 22 2011, 12:17 AM Post #13 |
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She continued looking at him through the semi-darkness and wondered why he bothered. Sure, she knew he wanted to help, it was probably in his nature or something, but she still did not understand why. Why would anyone want to willingly tangle themselves in her messy life? It didn't make much sense. If she were able to, Dany would have stayed out of it and far away from herself too. Sadly, she wasn't in that position -- he, however, very easily could be. "Life is messy either way, you're right," she agreed with him but then shook her head a little and looked away for a moment. "That doesn't mean it can't get messier." Frowning at him as he said he'd let her use him, she shook her head in disbelief. "You're insane," she muttered momentarily and more to herself than to him before trying to focus upon saying something that wasn't just simply insulting but would put some sense into him. "It's not going to ruin my life," she said with an exaggerated sigh though she hadn't been talking about her own life as much as she had been talking about his, "but from my experience people don't just sit together in silence, then move on and nothing changes. They start sharing things and opening up. They start to become involved in each other lives and then things get messy and people get hurt." Her. Him. It didn't really matter at that point, she supposed. Even if she had been dying for his company, the facts remained the same. She'd seen it happen and it had ended up breaking her heart and resulted in her getting lost in feelings she hardly had any control over. She desperately wished not to feel, though it was a silly wish and she was very much aware of that, and cursed herself for wanting any interaction with all. She cursed him for coming back and seemingly being the goody two-shoes every Gryffindor was supposed to be. She didn't have the energy to fight tonight and it worried her, reminding her again that it would have been better if she'd been left alone out here. Then she wouldn't have to confront herself with this and the void in her life. "Using you will give me no satisfaction, much less help me," she almost snapped at him. She felt so agitated and lonely at the same time, arguing about things she just didn't want to think about. The offer of a silent companion sounded tempting but at the same time warning bells were going off inside her head at that particular thought. Of course, she could always tell herself that she could just walk away whenever things started to get complicated but the truth was, Dany knew she hadn't been very good at that in the past and she wasn't sure she could risk trying it this time around. |
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| Jadon Gates | Jul 22 2011, 02:27 AM Post #14 |
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She was looking at him in disbelief, like she wouldn't have come back or bothered. And that was fine. She probably wouldn't have. But she was a Slytherin and he was not. There was simply nothing to be done about that difference in their character make up. He wondered briefly what her interactions with other Gryffindors had been like and why she was acting the way she was. But, he supposed, finally, that it was really none of his business and he should just keep his nose out of it. He really was good at finding trouble, after all. He answered her in a resigned voice, "I'm not trying to make it messier. I'm sorry if it seems that way." She muttered that he was insane, and he chuckled. "So I've been told." He listened to her explanation, realizing she was trying to prevent him from making a mess of his life by involving her in it - which made him worry over her a little more than he already was, which was probably far more than necessary - and as she said the last words, the puzzle pieces clicked together for him. She'd been hurt by someone that had wormed their way into her life like he was trying - trying? no, that couldn't be right - to do. He simply nodded at her response. He knew how she felt, at least a little. Though, he was fairly certain that he could do exactly what he'd said. Sit with her in silence and just be a peripheral presence she could draw on if she needed to. She wasn't arguing him much beyond the point that she'd stated she didn't want to get hurt again and didn't want him hurting either. It was a kind notion, but he was prepared for whatever would come. He'd never really found anyone that was able to wrap their heads around that. Then she snapped at him and he took that as his cue to leave for real this time. He dug into his pocket as he acceptingly said, "Okay." He found what he was digging for and pulled it out of his pocket. "At least take this," he said. "You don't seem to be very... here at the moment. I would hate for anything that isn't as friendly," he put a touch of sarcasm on the word friendly, "As I am to catch you unawares. Who knows what they're bringing in for the Tournament." He crossed the pitch over to her, and knelt beside her as he clasped a round pendant around her neck. "You can give it back to me the next time you see me in the library," Jadon said quietly. "I hope whatever this is works itself out eventually." Standing, he turns and moves back to the castle. |
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| Danielle Barret | Jul 22 2011, 08:51 PM Post #15 |
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He seemed to catch on that she wasn't necessarily only talking about her own life anymore, but primarily about making his more messy. For once Dany was glad and for once she didn't actually care that the notion would come across as kind -- and perhaps that was what she was being, despite it all it wasn't beyond her ability to be kind -- and that she'd more or less confirmed that she wasn't as self-serving as she pretended (and would like) to be. The agitation she'd felt prior faded away slightly and was instead replaced by exhaustion and quite an unhealthy amount of it too. She just wasn't prepared for confrontations such as this and her restless nights and days full of studying had drawn more on her energy than she would have liked. She watched him nod at her in response to her words, as if he understood and perhaps the little insight she'd given him into her thoughts had really made him able to do just that. It was important that he did because hopefully it would keep him away and she wouldn't need to worry about messing things up. Almost sighing in relief as he seemed to agree on the fact that it was best for him to leave, she willed herself not to frown as he started digging around in his pocket, as if searching for something. She blinked at him as he started speaking again, then silently had to admit to herself that she really wasn't quite there at the moment and that she should have been aware of him long before he had set foot on the pitch. Willing herself not to tense as Jadon moved into her direction, she managed to keep her body from reacting until he was knealing down beside her. Her heart was suddenly in her throat at his closeness and her body became deadly still as she felt his fingers brush against her skin, the pendant settling around her neck. She was too surprised to jerk away, something she should have done. She did not look down at the pendant but instead at his face, noting the blue of his eyes even in the darkness. Beneath her cloak one of her hands curled into a fist, her fingernails biting sharply into the soft skin of her palm even as he moved away from her again. The memory of his very light touch on her skin remained with her, burning itself into her mind like a mark might have done. She couldn't speak, even as he moved away and back to the castle. It wasn't the pendant he'd just put around her neck that worried her -- that would come much later -- but the fact that he had touched her, however briefly. Heaving deep breaths once Jadon was gone, she tried not to panic at the possibility of accidently having established a connection between them, a connection that would force her to See if she was unlucky enough. Almost crying out loud at that thought, she tried to reassure herself -- perhaps the touch had been too brief to trigger anything or perhaps she had learned shielding herself in some way (she knew she hadn't). Or perhaps if she scrubbed long enough under the shower until her skin was red and raw, any effects might be gone and she wouldn't have to worry about anything at all. Uneasy about what had just happened and what it could maybe turn into, she sat in the grass unmoving until she felt cold, then forced herself to stagger to her feet and return to the castle. With heavy uneven breaths she returned to the dungeons, knowing she would not get any sleep that night. |
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2:16 PM Jul 11