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Toying with Regrets
Topic Started: Nov 25 2011, 01:56 AM (733 Views)
Kaius Dei
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The first task of the tournament today had been insane! But, Kai couldn't help but be a little jealous - if stupidly so - that the champions had gotten to face off with dragons. They'd been beautiful creatures, and each champion had done quite well. There had been some close calls, and the chase between Potter and the ridgeback had been epic. Still, the excitement had died down and now they all had their golden eggs to figure out how to open. He wasn't close to either of the Hogwarts Champions, so he didn't know what the eggs were all about, but he looked forward to the next task.

In the meantime, he'd decided to lay out in the grass of the pitch. The last time he'd come out here, the sun had been shining and there were no clouds in sight. Cynthia had found him that day. It had been the day things had begun to change. And now here he was at the end of it; no sun, clouds, and no Cynthia. Full circle, he supposed. It was easy to think that, here in the dark, when he was alone. But it was only when he was alone that he was able to truly admit that he was hurting and angry. For all that he spent with Heller and how he'd come to care for his cousin, Heller couldn't erase her from his memories. Heller couldn't replace her. No one could.

It was with this line of thought that Kaius stared up at the stars, picking out the upcoming alignments for the next ritual that he'd need to perform at home. The stars didn't mark good omens. The last time he'd looked at them like this had been as he was walking home from Rikin's wake. He'd been so drunk that he had barely even recognized Heller or even his own capacity to stand up without the help of a wall. The stars had held ill omens for him then too. That had been when Heller felt the need to force him. That thought brought him back to Cynthia and all her reactions to Heller. And Kaius suddenly found himself crying for the first time since he'd said good-bye to her. Tears ran down his face, smudging his eyeliner and staining his cheeks. Rolling onto his side, he curled into the grass and let the ground swallow the salt poured out by his aching heart.
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Cynthia Deville
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Like almost all of the students, Cynthia had watched the first task of the tournament and even managed to come absorbed in watching the dragons move. If it had not been for the woman sitting right beside her, being aware of her every move and sometimes (Cynthia feared) aware of her every thought, she might even have enjoyed the tournament properly. Or, at the very least, the sight of those dragons would have allowed her to get lost in her own little world, in the few memories that seemed to remain. However, that hadn't been the case. Lydia was gone now and Cynthia felt like she could finally breathe just a little and that instead of just functioning to get through the day, she could also allow herself to feel.

And she supposed that after months of keeping her head down, of playing the part and finally achieving something, she should have been beyond glad. Her fingers closed heavily around the small object in her hand at the thought, letting the shape of her half-moon talisman bite into her flesh lightly. No, she should have been euphoric. But the truth was with her mother gone, the talisman in her hand and Nathaniel around, Cynthia had done the only thing possible: she had let go. It hadn't worked out the way she had wanted it to work out, which was why she was back on her way to the castle, her feelings torn between sad, frustrated and even a little horrified. Going out had been the best option to get him out of her mind, to lose herself in some hot boy or girl and prove to herself that the only reason she hadn't been with anyone since Kaius was because she'd simply been too busy getting back onto the good side of her mother.

She almost huffed in frustration, the scent of Laetitia's perfume still lingering in her nose, that porcelain graceful neck and those sharp teeth flashing through her mind. And really, she had done everything right, it should have worked. Where Kaius had always been hot to the touch - and good god, how Cynthia remembered - Laetitia was cold and hard, seemingly lifeless with her unbeating heart and those eyes that seemed to swallow everything they took in. Her lips had been soft, her movements seductive in a way that spoke of centuries of experience. Cynthia had wanted to get lost in that, to give in and enjoy the pain - and probably pleasure - those sharp teeth sinking into her neck could bring. Yet when Laetitia's lips had ghosted over that vulnerable part of her skin, Cynthia had found herself incapable of giving herself over to the woman. It had felt horrifyingly wrong.

Her hand briefly came up to touch her unmarked neck, heart beating heavily as she released a shaky breath. Relief and frustration mixed and it was only the sudden awareness of someone lying on the ground not too far from her that distracted her from her inner turmoil. Cynthia stopped in her tracks, the person had rolled onto their side and curled up. The soft sounds the person was making made the hairs on the her neck stand and it didn't take her long to realize why. Slowly she dragged her hand away from her neck, then felt her heart leap into her throat. "Why are you crying?" she asked softly but almost distantly. The hand inside her cloak curled into a fist, shaking. "The world's still spinning. Shouldn't that be a reason to be happy?" And it was laughable because really, that's what she had been asking herself so many times lately. She hadn't seen him in weeks, her rejection of him still sharp in her mind, even as she felt herself ache at the very thought of him alone.
Edited by Cynthia Deville, Nov 26 2011, 02:22 AM.
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Kaius Dei
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He'd been pretty intent on just letting all of his emotions out, more tears than he'd anticipated. Laughter almost poured from him too as he thought about how he'd wanted to confide this in Heller. Pillow talk as he rested his head on the Death Eater's well-built and warm chest. Oh, how stupid that would have been; with just that action, he'd have landed himself chained to that desk in Cairo again. A fleeting miserable thought or discussion would have been acceptable, but the gallons of water coming out of his face were undeniable evidence that his feelings for Cynthia had not been corrected. The next time he went with Heller to Cairo it would be bad if his cousin knew. And Kaius would go, willing and compliant. There was no reason for him not to - he'd sworn to family above all else.

Kaius stilled as he heard the footsteps in the grass. Of course, there would be someone else on the pitch instead of going out to Hogsmeade or the task celebrations. And of course that person would find him. It was just his luck. Maybe if he were silent, they'd move on and he would go unnoticed. That also, was not in the stars tonight. The intruder stopped, then spoke. Her voice chilled him inside; she was the last person that should see him like this. He would have taken Heller over her in that moment. But that wasn't to be. Her last question loosed that laugh he'd kept tied down a few moments before and he sat up to look at her, certain that his eyeliner had run down his face in a rather morbid fashion. "That's funny, coming from you," he replied, the anger that had given way to tears rising up again. "I'm crying because there's a hole in my heart that I can't quite seem to fill, and I haven't the foggiest idea why." It didn't help that nothing felt right anymore. Heller was sufficient for his physical needs, but his cousin's emotions aside from possession belonged to Lilja. It left Kaius empty and cold most of the time, and he supposed that was the reason why Melanctha had allowed Heller to continue with him like he was.

Dropping back into the pitch with a thud, he sighed. There was no point in this. It would just make him feel worse. Her too, most likely. His bright eyes turned back to the heavens, and he nearly scoffed at the idea of heaven alone. He'd had a piece of it, for a few short hours. Now it was destroying him with the slowness of a wasting sickness. "Figures," he muttered, mostly to himself. "Are you just going to stare at me, or may I wallow in my misery alone?" Against his will, his gaze traveled back to her, watching for her reaction.
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Cynthia Deville
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His sudden laugh seemed harsh and bitter in the quiet but it were those bright eyes fixed on her that almost made her lose it right there and then. And really, Cynthia tried to hide how much his gaze on her affected her and while she didn't know what expression was on her face right then, she had the feeling she was failing miserably. After months of keeping it all inside, every little secret, tonight her strength to keep it all together and remain unaffected was gone. Her dark eyes lingered on the streaks of eyeliner down his cheeks and the dark evidence his tears had left there. His reply was angry and ironically it caused her to hope - perhaps, even after all these weeks of silence and ignorance between them, he still wanted her. The thought that he might move on pained her because for whatever reason she found herself unable to. If she couldn't have him, she didn't want anyone else. Cynthia hated it but that didn't make it any less true. Perhaps mother had been right after all; she was whipped.

"I know," she simply retorted, not rising to that anger of his and instead giving a soft shrug. Yeah, she knew it was deeply ironic coming from her, that was why she had said it in the first place. As Kaius told her why he was crying, she studied his face, then released a breath as she uncurled the fist in her cloak. She wondered if he realized the difference or if he was too far gone in his misery - the Cynthia from months ago would have scoffed at him and told him he was being overly dramatic, that he needed to get it together. But she wasn't that Cynthia anymore and instead found herself staying silent at his admission, gaze drifting from his face after a moment almost thoughtfully. She swallowed heavily.

At the soft thud of Kaius dropping back into the pitch, her gaze returned to him but he wasn't looking at her anymore. It pained her to realize how much she could relate to that sigh, to that frustration. As he muttered to himself, it made her arch an eyebrow at him but it was his question that forced her to react. She almost flinched at it, then heard her heartrate picking up in speed as his gaze was back on her. He wanted her to leave and in a way, she understood. In another way it simply angered her. And it wasn't her pride that stood in their way anymore, no, it was her fear. Her inability to express what she was feeling, what she wanted him to know. Cynthia found herself unable to move for long moments, then finally managed to shake her head almost heavily.

"I can't go quite yet," she spoke and while her tone of voice was soft, the words themselves were firm. Her dark blue eyes bore into his as she forcefully reminded herself that he could very well reject her, that there wasn't any guarantee he'd accept or understand. With that thought in mind, she moved further into his direction, then let herself sink onto her knees not too far away from him but still out of reach. "I never intended to walk away from you," she said, her words just as intent as her gaze was on him, "it was never part of the plan." She paused. "It still isn't." Her gaze flickered over his face briefly, then returned to his eyes. "You need to listen to me, just this once. When I'm done, everything else will be up to you." Pausing, her voice softened as her vulnerability trickled through. "Can you do that?"
Edited by Cynthia Deville, Nov 27 2011, 11:26 AM.
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Kaius Dei
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The look on her face betrayed her. Kaius didn't know what to think of that other than she must have been too numb and trying much, much harder than she ever had when she told him to walk away from her so long ago. It bothered him that she'd been trying to cover up how she felt despite them both knowing. But then, she'd always done that. She'd claim to be one thing when she was another. He knew that he probably didn't look any better, but it wasn't unusual for him to be seen with make-up smeared across his face - be it his or someone else's. A spark lit her eyes at his response, and it surprised him. He could tell exactly what it was: hope. He took a deep breath as he saw it and released the air slowly, the same way he would have if he were trying to stop crying.

Her easy response bothered him too. She simply shrugged and waited him out. She'd grown since their last fight; there wasn't any yelling or screaming. No slowly bitten out words in low tones and hushed voices. Instead she was the adult and he was the one who was upset like a child. It made him snort, but he waited and listened. Obviously there was something she wanted to say to him, if she was still here. The sound of her throat constricting as she swallowed was loud in his ears, and he wondered why she was nervous - she'd never been nervous with him before - and it put him on edge. There was no reason to be on edge, but he supposed that hope he'd seen in her dark eyes was contagious.

When he turned his eyes back to her, he saw the hurt and then the understanding and anger. Well, she'd pissed him off too, and as childish as it was to think it, it served her right. But there was no pride in his emotional reaction to her, and, he noted, there was no pride in her posture or expression. It made him wait before he went back to the way they'd been: ignoring each other. She shook her head, and he knew his waiting would bring him something. Maybe it would be helpful. Or maybe it would just hurt.

He bit his tongue as she spoke, making sure he wouldn't snap out the sarcastic reply that was ready to spring from the tip of his tongue. Cynthia came closer and he sat up, not wanting to be prone after what her mother had done to him. There was a bit of that paranoia in his tense muscles, and he was glad she'd stayed out of reach. Then she was talking to him and he had a hard time listening after the word plan. Everyone had plans for him and he was tired of it. His bright eyes narrowed at the word and he turned so that he was facing her. He would give her this chance to explain. "I'm listening," he said quietly in a low voice reminiscent of the one he kept right before he shifted. It wasn't worth it to point out that he always listened to her, he simply didn't act on what he'd heard all that often.
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Cynthia Deville
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He snorted at her words but that was all he did, he didn't tell her to get lost. Cynthia knew his bitterness was better than simple rejection and in his eyes she was sure he had earned it. She couldn't give up now. There was no turning back - ironically enough that simple sentence had become her mantra, her ever lasting reminder whenever she felt herself wanting to give up and let go and choose the easier way out. No more. No more of that. And if that was what she was going to live by, then she needed to apply it to all parts of her life. She could see him biting back some kind of sarcastic reply and it didn't surprise her. She had been expecting much worse but was nevertheless glad he managed to remain silent. Cynthia wasn't sure how much sarcasm and bitterness she could handle right now without turning into a complete mess right in front of him. He moved into a sitting position when she came closer and the tension in his muscles caused her to smile for the first time in months, though it was a smile tinged with sadness. She earned that too. And then he tensed again, that quiet and barely restrained anger radiating off him in ways. His voice was quiet and low, the air thick between them. He seemed ready to snap and there was only one way to find out if he would - to dive right in.

"After mother sold you to Heller, things didn't immediately work out the way she wanted them to. She thought that locking me up and making me feel like a child that had misbehaved and put shame on the family would make me realize the wrong of my ways. But instead of compliant, it just made me angry. I rebelled, then after a while realized my rebellion was useless. I started doing what I was told, albeit begrudgingly, and once I believed that she had started 'trusting' me again, I went behind her back to retrieve books, diaries and all kind of records about my family. Of course my family also lead me to yours." She paused, shaking her head. "We visited Eugenie once and I got careless when copying her diaries. Mother found out." Her gaze drifted from Kaius', instead fixing on the grass between them. "Things took a turn for the worse then."

"I don't remember much of that night, to be honest." She released a shaky breath. "Just a mixture of emotions ranging from confusion and shock to horror and fear. I remember screaming a lot." She frowned slightly, seemingly getting lost momentarily as she tried to remember details of that night. After a moment, she shook herself out of it and cleared her throat. "When I woke up, I could barely move. My wand was gone. I didn't have any energy left." Cynthia shrugged her shoulders slightly. "I started to believe you were truly dead and she broke me down, bit by bit. Memories, thoughts, all those weaknesses I hadn't been aware of - she shifted through most of them, then used them against me. She started putting thoughts in my head, then left me alone for days and kept me isolated. Whenever I made any sign of even allowing myself to think independently, she was sure to put an end to it."

Running a hand through her hair, her gaze settled on Kaius again. "And it worked." It was scary how so many details seemed completely lost to her. "Nathaniel and I started training again. Mother sent me to fulfil a couple of tasks for her. I did them all, no questions asked. And then -" Cynthia felt her heart squeeze at the memory, "- Nathan broke. He got into a fight with Lydia and tried to reach me." She shook her head, eyes closing briefly. "He couldn't. I even defended her. But hearing his accusations against her.. it triggered something." She sighed softly, faltering slightly before she continued. "That was in the middle of August. Every once in a while she would shift through my thoughts and memories but when she realized I was still compliant, she slowly stopped doing it. The last time she did was just a few days before you approached me in the hallways."

Realizing her hand had fisted into the soil beside her, she slowly unclenched her fist, straightening a little as dark eyes turned to pierce into Kaius' lighter ones. "Becoming an illusionist and in turn a fully indepedent member of my family is what I have always wanted. And it's something I still want, more than anything. Because that's who I am and that's what I do, and I'm good at it. I won't let anyone take that away from me." Her words were intent, conviction seeping into her tone. "And if it means pretending to be slave to a woman I have come to hate, then fine, so be it. But if I do decide to play that game, I need to do it correctly and seriously. And then I can't go spilling all my secrets to people in the hallways, no matter how much I want to, when I have no idea how long my mind and thoughts are my own. I cannot see or touch them -" her voice broke there and she had to stop a moment, "- and I cannot talk to them." And suddenly she couldn't keep it in anymore and it embarassed her a little how quickly the strength from before turned into tears threatening to spill over. She brought her hand up, wiping at her cheeks almost angrily.

"And if you hate me for it, I understand," she continued, the words spilling out of her mouth shakily but unstoppable, "if you don't care about it, if you don't want me anymore.. I understand. But I won't apologize for fighting for my independence. I will always fight for what I believe to be rightfully mine." She wiped at her face again, this time clearing her throat. "And while I will not apologize for wanting the things I want, I am sorry for being dishonest." She laughed softly, almost ironically, her lips tasting of salt. "I am sorry for pretending to give up and let go, for pretending it - we - didn't matter. Because we did." Her gaze flickered away from him again. "For me, we still do."
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Kaius Dei
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Kaius listened to her, muscles relaxing just slightly the more she talked. His expression remained, however, and he was still wary of her words. He understood that she'd gone through hardship, and that that made their relationship difficult. She'd lost the privacy of her mind. Kaius had experienced that too. He hadn't been quite so brainwashed, but he now had a Pavlovian response to Heller's touch, his voice. He didn't know which was worse at this point. He didn't make commentary on any of this, though, instead keeping his thoughts to himself so as not to derail her.

When she was finished, he wasn't sure that he knew what she wanted. Adjusting his position to one where he could rest his arms on his knees, he rubbed his face with his hands. Steepling his fingers in front of his lips, he turned his eyes up to hers and asked, "So this all means what, exactly?" He pressed his fingers together to ease a little of his frustration. "That I sit around and wait for you after you told me you were finished with me? And just how long would you have me wait?" Gods this pissed him off. Pressing his hands together wasn't going to keep him from going off on her, as comforting as the sound of his knuckles popping was.

Standing, he started to walk away, then turned back, obviously not done with what he had to say. "I love you. You matter to me. We matter to me. But my grip on that isn't as strong as it was. Yes, I hurt. Hurt means it's healing. By the time you're ready to keep me, I may not belong to you anymore." His words were filled with a pleading anger and raw emotion. A heavy sigh left him and he looked back up at the stars. "No one feels right to me, anymore," he whispered to her, words sharp in the darkness. Bringing his eyes back down to her tear lined face, he shook his head. "The only person that's even remotely comforting is Heller.... You aren't the only one who's been made a slave." Kaius took another deep breath. "I want you, but you need to do what you need to without looking back at me." She shouldn't waste her sacrifices like he had.
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Cynthia Deville
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Kaius let her speak and for that she was glad, she didn't know if she would have been able to continue had he as much as uttered a word. And in the brief silence that followed her words, she found herself calming down slightly as she breathed in deeply, trying to get her fast beating heart to slow down a little. It worked and with her gaze drifting back up to Kaius again, Cynthia suddenly knew that she would need all the remaining strength she had for what was to follow. She could taste his frustration in the air and his change of position let her know that this wasn't going to be easy, hell, it might as well turn out to be downright ugly. At his questions, she released a soft shaky breath but her eyes didn't stray from his. He was seriously pissed off, the frustration in his voice accusing her.

She shook her head slightly. "It means nothing," she replied and even though the tears were still running down her cheeks, her voice didn't shake. "I never expected you to wait for me. Good god, I didn't even expect you to be alive! When I saw you, all I could think about was that I would never be able to fool my mother if I allowed myself to fall into you, that I would doom myself to forever be slave to a woman I no longer want to become." Her voice had grown stronger and a little angrier. "So, if you want to blame me for being selfish and looking out for my own skin, do it. You have every right to. But I never asked you to wait for me and I fully expected you to move on. I couldn't even allow myself to hope, much less expect or demand anything."

Kaius started walking away then, and it hurt but she was still on her knees with her hand in the soil. It was only when he stopped to turn back at her that Cynthia slowly rose from the ground, brushing off hands and knees. Her heart clenched painfully at his words and she felt like she couldn't breathe; ironically enough, she was so used to the feeling by now that she simply accepted it rather than to fight against it. I am ready to keep you, is all she wanted to yell at him but it was too late, she needed to hear him out first. It was like watching an accident happen; she wanted to stop it from happening but all she could do was watch. His whispered words into the darkness between them were what really stung, especially at his mention of Heller. But it also made her angry for various reasons.

Cynthia took a deep breath in return, then her jaw set briefly before she spoke. "I've been a slave all my life," she stated matter-of-factly, "I'm just now starting to wake up... and I won't be one for much longer." She shrugged then, pausing for a moment as she considered how to phrase what she wanted to say next. "I don't understand a whole lot about love, you know," she said carefully but her words were deadly calm, "I never have and chances are I never will. But what I do know is that not one person in my life has ever mattered to me the way you do. And I know what I am willing to go through for that and for everything I want."

"I'm not looking back at you," she spoke, sure of herself, "I'm looking right at you. It seems to be you who has the feeling of looking back at me, Kai. And if that's the truth, then it's obviously you that needs to reach a decision for himself. Because I've made mine and I know what I want." She took a deep breath, running a hand through her hair. Her eyes stung slightly and her next words were thick with unshed tears. "It's why I told you all this.. I don't expect you to stay - I can't, not after all that has happened - but if you walk away from this, I need to let you know what exactly it is you're walking away from. Because you deserve to know and I - I deserve to finally speak the truth."
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Kaius Dei
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It means nothing. Those words stopped him cold. He looked at her over his fingers and his eyes narrowed. "Then why did you even stop to talk to me?" His voice was low and quiet, tightly constrained cold fury seeping into it. Had she really even considered what stopping like this would do to him? There was no evidence that she was even aware that she was twisting the knife. How stupid could she be? How stupid could he be? She was angry now too. Good, because he was about to make this uglier than it was. "You're a little late to prevent what you've already become. Lydia did a fine job of programing you." She'd done a fine job of knocking them back to that bickering angry pair they used to be too. He took another deep breath, and shook his head. "And what did you expect me to do?"

Kaius snorted as she said she'd been a slave all her life. "It's different when you've been free all your life and you suddenly lose that." He clenched his jaw at that thought; he'd sacrificed that for her and now she was telling him that this whole thing meant nothing. He supposed he could blame culture, but he wasn't going to. "You've made that quite clear," he commented, voice still filled with fury as she said she didn't understand love. No one was supposed to understand it; if she read more or let her self just feel she'd probably know that. "So I matter, great. Am I still part of what you want?"

"Of course I'm looking back. You said we were done months ago. And here you are, effectively breaking up with me again because you think that I want to hear all this crap after you've put a gaping hole in my ability to feel." Christ, was she seriously ever going to just get to the point? "I don't know what I'm walking away from. You haven't made that any clearer than tar. You need to be blunt and direct, because none of this has done anything to make me understand or know." At her last statement, Kaius closed his eyes and shook his head. How could he have been so blind? "I understand why you're here now. You just wanted to say it to someone that would be stupid enough to listen to you. You've succeeded at that initial plan of yours. The one where you wanted me on my knees for you and crying as you ripped my heart out and tossed it aside. Congratulations."

He wouldn't walk away this time. He'd already done that. It was her turn to do that. If it came down to it, he'd simply go back to what he'd been doing and ignore her. And he waited.
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Cynthia Deville
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She realized her mistake a second too late as Kaius' eyes narrowed, his voice tightly controlled, yet his cold fury towards her wrapped itself around her throat. "That's not what I meant," she growled in frustration first at her own inability to adequately express herself, then at him for jumping at every chance he got to misunderstand her. "What I meant," she started, taking a deep shaky breath, "is that I wanted to explain to you why I wasn't there when I should have been and that despite trying to explain, I cannot expect you to understand.. or to forgive me. I know that." She shook her head slightly. "Of course it means something. More than I thought it ever could. I wouldn't be here now if it didn't." Her voice had turned quieter towards the end but by now she was just expecting more accusations and painful rebuttals from his side. He didn't disappointed her.

The words cut through her like a knife and this time, she knew it would make her feel better if she would just lung at him and hit him. But the truth was, she was also scared of touching him. She had never seen him so angry at her, so filled with hate and fury for her and what she had done, and any kind of contact - no matter how violent - would surely turn her into a small quivering mess, wanting and desperately needing to be loved by him. And oh how Cynthia wished he would hit her or strangle her, anything that would close that distance between them, but the truth of the matter was he was likely just going to push her away from him. "Of course she did a fine job programming me," she instead cried at him, her fists shaking, "for sixteen years of my life all I did was listen to her. And for a long time I thought that she and I were alike." She laughed a little at that, but it was a painful sound. "But we're not. And perhaps you can't see that but it doesn't change what I know."

And while the past months had shown her how little she did in fact know, the revelation that Lydia and her were fundamentally different after all was undisputable for her. She had seen it and most importantly felt it and with every passing day, the differences between them grew, even if Lydia was still unaware of it. At Kai's question, she opened her mouth to speak, then hesitated. What had she expected him to do? "I don't know," she replied after a moment with a shake of her head, "I had hoped -" and perhaps, that was the problem. After everything that had happened, hope was a dangerous thing, more than ever now. And yet things had changed for her. She found herself hoping and believing, day after day, something she couldn't remember doing before. She laughed sadly as she remembered that day she had met him in the halls, her weak question where he'd been repeating in her thoughts. "I guess I expected you to see through me.. and to call me out on it. I expected you to see that I was scared and that.. that I needed to break. That despite our time apart, you would hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. That I was strong enough, that you believed in me." She found herself shaking her head again, her gaze drifting from him at her quiet words. Silly her - the rational part of her knew that but it didn't change a thing.

"I'm not trying to win the who's-worse-off award here," she snapped at him, some of her irration showing through, "all I meant to say is that I haven't been just made a slave. I know our situations are different, I'm not that stupid." He was still angry and Cynthia was starting to think that no matter what she said, somehow she would only make it worse. His walls were up and everything inside of him seemed to fight against her. It was ironic in a way - honest and open for probably the first time in her life and he wasn't going to budge. She probably deserved it too. "You are what I want," she answered him, eyes snapping back to his, "who I want. You've been for a long time now. I was just stupid enough to only realize it when Lydia picked me apart. You were the only thing that stuck. My first -" And then she was stuck there and she couldn't go on, the thickness in her throat restricting.

"I'm not breaking up with you," she said quietly after a long moment of silence. But that was what it was, wasn't it? Crap. All of this was crap to him, he simply didn't care. The thought hurt more than she thought it ever could and while she knew he was hurting too, that she had hurt him repeatedly, it didn't make that feeling go away. She only felt worse. As he told her he didn't know what he was walking away from, she tried to sort her thoughts, to give him an answer she had been so sure that she could give. But she came up with nothing, nothing that would make him want to stay with her. After all, how could he? She wasn't the person he had fallen in love with anymore, was she? "I guess what you're walking away from is me. Who I really am." Her words turned bitter. "Vulnerable, weak me. Without those layers of pride I always hid behind, without that self-confidence I always wanted - needed - to push into your face." She shrugged. "I'm not empty anymore. I feel all these things.. and I wanted you to know because you were the one that made it possible."

He didn't understand. If only she could make him - if only she knew how. If only - "Of course I wanted to say it!" she cried at him, desperation sipping into her voice. "But not just to anyone. To you. Not because I think you're stupid enough to listen but because you're the only one I want to share this with. And I'm sorry - truly sorry - if you hate me for thinking that I could share things with you, for being so naive and thinking that whatever brief understanding we shared back then before you were taken away from me still remained, despite all that I have done to hurt you. But I can't help that feeling. It's irrational and stupid, but it's there." She made a frustrated gesture with her hand. "It's there."

His bitter congratulations only heightened the pressure on her and she knew that was exactly what it was supposed to do. He wanted her to leave, she was rather sure he wanted her out of his sight and mind once and for all. And a part of her wanted to go, if only because she was exhausted - why had she stood up in the first place? all she wanted to do was sink down - and all she could expect from him right now were more painful accusations and words. But she couldn't move, couldn't walk away from him. That had always been her problem. Even when he wanted her gone, she couldn't. "I haven't succeeded in anything. I didn't want your heart and toss it aside." She closed her eyes for a moment, releasing a long breath. "I just wanted it." And that was that. She just hadn't planned on giving hers in return.
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