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Toying with Regrets
Topic Started: Nov 25 2011, 01:56 AM (734 Views)
Kaius Dei
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Her words confused him even more, and he shook his head and the fury seeped out of him and left him numb and tired, and it showed in his voice. "When exactly were you supposed to be there?" He didn't understand, she had that right. The awful truth was that Kaius didn't know if he could. He wasn't patient enough right now to help her articulate her feelings despite knowing she wasn't good at it and this was probably the first time she'd ever even tried to. And he couldn't help what had already come out of his mouth. No matter how much she shook and trembled with frustration. "You're right, I can't see that difference right now."

At the word hope, Kai quirked a brow, eyes intent on her. Hope? That was a four letter word these days. But for it to come from her was new. The laugh that left her lips was sad, and for all that he was hurting, it wretched his heart about in his chest. He frowned at her words. Where had that intense and independent woman that shoved him away at the slightest hint of affection? He knew she loved him, somewhere in there - he just hadn't realized he wasn't delusional about it. "You've never wanted me to do any of those things," he said in a raw, hoarse voice. "You've always been strong enough and I've always believed that, regardless of what may have come out of my mouth." He didn't have the answers to his question. He didn't know if she did either.

Cynthia snapped at him, and it made him settle back into himself. It may not have been the best sign, but he wasn't angry anymore. He was still tired and numb, much like he had been when she'd gotten sick after telling him that she was disgusted by him. Thinking back on that, he realized that they'd never truly said good-bye until this last time. He let her rant at him nodding as she continued on to say that he was who she wanted. "Your first what?" he asked softly. He wanted to hear her say it. For all the times she'd made him say it without a response, he wanted to hear that word from her lips in reference to him. It made him want to move to her, and he supposed that was what she wanted. He didn't know if there was even anything left to salvage here. Didn't know if he could be that caring again with the missing pieces of his heart somewhere down by his shoes.

She said she wasn't breaking up with him and he caught himself before he snorted at the very idea of it. Of course she wasn't, she'd already done that. She took her time in organizing what she wanted to say, and for the first time since she'd stopped to speak with him, she made sense. "We're all vulnerable and afraid, Cyn," he replied in a gentle voice. He knew she wasn't empty anymore; she'd shown him that the night he'd almost died. It was why he'd been willing to go anywhere with her. Why he'd asked. He could endure Heller for eternity if he had to, if it meant that she cared for him. And that slip had made everything such an awful mess. She was crying at him again, and it seemed that somethings certainly hadn't changed. When he pissed her off or made her have to defend herself, her words made sense. While her words warmed him a little - really, how could he not be at least pleased that she wanted to share things with him? Even if it took something like this to get her to do it. - he still didn't say anything to her. He couldn't let himself hope that they could continue to be together when she had just told him that even being near him made her weak against her mother.

They'd reached a stalemate. He wanted her to leave and she was refusing. Ironic how their roles had swapped. He wondered if their relationship would be this trying for the rest of the time they knew each other. And he was certain that this was the absolute wrong thing to say to her, but he said it anyway in that same tired and raw voice. "It's got a big hole in it, and it's missing bits that have fallen off along the way. I don't know how strong it is, anymore. But it's still yours." He couldn't believe what he was saying. Surely she was going to ask him to wait or that tell him that she couldn't. So he simply waited for that other shoe to drop, waited for the last blow that he wouldn't recover from.
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Cynthia Deville
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When Kaius spoke next, his voice had changed, the fury instead replaced by tiredness. And to her surprise, Cynthia didn't know what was actually worse. She had expected him to lash out once more but even now when he didn't, she felt as if it was just another form of rejection. Somewhere deep inside she knew it was because of her emotions, they were scattered all over the floor no matter what she did tonight. She was being completely irrational about this and she knew. But there was still no way for her to stop this rollercoaster, not when she hadn't been allowed to get onto it since summer. "I don't know," she answered softly, confused and irritated at her answer as she too shook her head slightly. "I don't know." She shouldn't have let him walk away, despite knowing that it had been the rational thing to do. If she hadn't let him walk away, chances were high she would have ruined her whole life. Lydia would have known.

He couldn't see the difference right now. What kind of masochist was she that these words caused her to hope? Right now. She tried not to let these two words echo in her thoughts, tried not to think about what they could imply. She couldn't interpret anything in this, it was only going to make her hurt in the end. That quirked eyebrow of his combined with his frown distracted her and she couldn't help the fear in her chest. Was he judging her? Could she really expect him to still want the person she had become, the person she found herself being behind all that emptiness she had consisted of all her life? Of course he wanted someone strong, someone that wasn't messed up - at least not the way she was messed up now. But then he spoke and his voice was hoarse and raw. It called to her, making her want to move.

"You're right, I didn't." It was a simple agreement. "But apparently even people like I change. And ironically enough, I've started to believe it might actually be a good thing." She frowned at those words, then shook her head. Looking up thoughtfully, the brief smile that slid over her lips was more like a grimace than anything else. Her words were quiet. "I guess that makes me the fool here." She didn't say anything for long moments, seemingly lost in thoughts and memories, before she shrugged as if shrugging the heaviness off her shoulders. Her eyes met his again. "I don't care. I can't hide anymore, I don't want to. I've been dishonest long enough." And surely she was going to get hurt, maybe - probably - even by him but at least, yes, at least she would be able to look herself in the mirror.

At Kaius' soft question, she faltered briefly, ever afraid to share bits and pieces of what had happened after Lydia had broken her down. It was the darkest and loneliest place she had ever been to in all her life and despite the months having passed, her throat still clamped up when she tried to speak about it. "My first memory," she whispered, gaze drifting as her throat constricted. She made a helpless gesture with her hands. "When it started coming back.. the first thing I remembered was you." She shook her head, then corrected herself. "Us." She laughed a little. "You probably don't remember. Taiven left me alone with you and you fell asleep with your head in my lap that night. It was amazing. I touched you and you - you turned into me. And you simply drifted off to sleep." Cynthia didn't even realize she was smiling, lost in that simple memory, until the silence brought her back to the presence. Becoming aware of her behaviour, she cleared her throat quietly, suddenly embarassed.

There was gentleness in his voice when he spoke next, only half her name on his tongue. Cyn. It gave her enough courage to finally look back at him. "I know that," she said softly, then again corrected herself, "I know that now." When he opened his mouth to speak again, she was rather sure he was going to tell her to leave once and for all or just ignore her. But he didn't and that raw voice of his tugged at her heart. She looked at him almost shyly at these words, heart pounding in her chest. "Then why -" why are you still over there? Why am I still over here? But she stopped herself. She knew why. Because she'd hurt him multiple times, she'd never reciprocated any of his feelings for her. She'd never -

But she remembered how that first memory made her feel and unbidden Eugenie's written words came to her mind, like they so often did when she thought about the boy in front of her. It was an ironic twist of life, really, that despite all the brainwash Lydia had put her through, the words of an aunt she barely knew were the ones that stuck in her head. She had seen herself in Eugenie's journalled thoughts time and time again and yet she had never made the connection, had never taken that last puzzle piece and put it in its place. And suddenly it clicked, the realization causing a soft sound to leave her mouth. "I do love you," she whispered, bewildered that something so obvious had never crossed her mind before. It was only then that she also realized she'd spoken the words out loud.

Her gaze snapped back up to his and she suddenly found herself frozen to the spot like a deer caught in the headlights. She couldn't speak, suddenly scared that these words would just make him angry again. Only a moment ago she had told him that she didn't know a thing about love and now - "Good god, I'm so stupid. All this time and I've -" but she broke off again, hands coming up to run through her strands. Her eyes closed and for a moment she became completely still until she let out a long breath. Eyes reopening, she looked at him. "I love you." She paused, practically tasting the words and their meaning in her mouth. And even though her hands shook, her voice didn't. "You might not want to hear it anymore, but I do."
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Kaius Dei
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Cynthia said that even she could change, and that she'd begun to believe it was a good thing. Kaius shook his head as she called herself a fool. "We all have to learn sometime," came his simple reply. He'd been waiting for her to figure that out since close to the beginning. But that didn't change the fact that she was still a work in progress. So was he. And they always would be. He knew exactly what she was talking about when she said she didn't want to hide anymore. But it wouldn't be easy for her in the future if she threw her armor away just yet. He didn't say that, however, as it wasn't quite the time for it.

Kaius listened when she replied to his question, no matter how soft it was. Her memories had been ransacked like a house and the first one she'd found when she was able to come home had been of them. He remembered putting his head in her lap, that had come back to him, but he didn't remember turning into her. He snorted softly and gave half a smile at the very idea of it. He'd been turning into her for a long time now, she just hadn't realized that she was the reason for it. It wasn't for comfort or balance or any of those things that he'd told her to keep her appeased and so she could tolerate it. He'd done it because he wanted to be close to her, wanted to feel her, smell her, hold her. The awe that she was showing him over that was so delayed that he wasn't sure what to do with it; all he knew was that it made him a little happier to hear. The smile on her lips stunned him. He'd never seen her smile like that, and it made his heart ache to think that she hadn't trusted him enough to let him see it. The pain was probably written on his face in a bittersweet and love struck expression. And yet he didn't say a word. He couldn't, not yet.

The admissions were easier now, it seemed. Kaius wondered just how often she would allow him to see her like this, or if it was a rare day where everything had simply become too much and he was the only one she could be with like this. She turned her eyes back to him, those beautiful dark eyes that had haunted his dreams and nightmares alike since he'd been taken to Cairo. She started to ask another question, and while she cut herself off, Kaius knew what she was going to ask. There was a distance between them that needed to be bridged or eliminated. It didn't seem to matter which, as long as she was able to eliminate it. But Kaius didn't move. She was working her way to what he wanted to hear from her. What he needed to hear from her. And how it made him feel would determine how this ended.

Slowly, the pieces fell into place. It was like watching a picture slowly come together as it was being painted. As realization suddenly dawned on her and she spoke, Kaius felt his heart constrict at the words. Gods, that hurt. It was as if everything he'd gone through had suddenly become real just as she acknowledged her feelings for him. Suddenly, his sacrifices had been worth it. Even if they still separated and went different ways, they'd been worth it. Her gaze snapped back to him and he knew he looked like he was about to cry again. She'd probably take that the wrong way. But now... now it mattered. Now, as his breath grew shaky and labored, everything mattered. She went back to berating herself and then she took a moment to collect herself. She said she loved him again. He wanted to hear it again and again. Then she was talking and he didn't care what she was saying as he crossed the distance between them and pulled her into a kiss. It was an emotional kiss, but it was gentle and loving. There wasn't any real expectation in it aside from simple reciprocity. When he pulled back, he didn't move far. "Say it again," he whispered, voice thick and low.
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Cynthia Deville
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There were no words coming from him that were intended to hurt her or push her further away and while she could not let herself hope, she felt a slow sense of relief welling up inside of her. Her shoulders relaxed ever so slightly at the feeling. Even if he wasn't going to forgive her, even if he could still very well walk away any moment now, it seemed that somewhere along the way he'd decided to at least hear her out. The soft snort that passed his lips almost made colour rise to her cheeks and for a moment she felt a little ashamed at getting carried away with the memory of them, of letting him see the side of her she hadn't even been fully aware of herself up until now. But then that half smile fleeted over his face; it wasn't bitter and washed away the brief pang of rejection she'd felt at his snort. His face was open now, the expression on it bittersweet and almost tender. It made her heart constrict in her chest and for a moment she felt like a voyeur, as if she didn't deserve seeing him like this.

He didn't say much to her in return, yet somehow it didn't matter. He'd really given her that chance to talk to him, the wall between seemed to have suddenly disappeared. The distance was still there, of course it was, but it didn't drive her to despair like him pushing her away had. It made her ache, yes, but she wasn't shaking with frustration and bitterness anymore. She looked at him, unable to tear her gaze away from his form a couple of feet away from her.

When those words slipped out of her mouth, the expression on his face struck her as she tried not to shake. She didn't know how to describe the emotions fleeting over his face, she couldn't find words for any of them, but it made her want to confess to him like a sinner repenting for his sins. He looked like he was going to cry again but she didn't want that, didn't want to hurt him anymore than she already had. Still, the words left her lips another time, she couldn't hold them back. And then suddenly he moved. Cynthia was so surprised by the action that she almost took a step backwards, suddenly scared. But that all faded away as he pulled her into a kiss. Before she knew what was happening, she was kissing him back just as emotionally, a wet soft sound escaping her lips at the contact and the sudden whirlwind of emotions that bubbled up inside her chest.

As Kaius pulled back, it took everything in her not to cling to him. He hadn't moved far though and his words thick with emotion made her heart flutter. She looked at him almost shyly for a moment, then she reached up to take his face into her hands, fingers brushing over cheek and strands of hair. "I love you," she said softly but also with a vulnerability that hadn't been there before, her own voice thick with tenderness and honesty. Her heart was doing weird things in her chest, fluttering like a caged bird wanting to be freed. Taking that last bit of courage she possessed, she closed that last bit of remaining distance between them, burying her face in his neck as she hugged him to her. "I'm sorry," she whispered, voice thick with the silent tears running down her cheeks and lips brushing against his skin with every word. She had no intentions of trapping him, she just wanted to hold him, feel him and smell him. She was still terribly unsure of how long he'd let her but for now she just couldn't let go.
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Kaius Dei
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She hadn't turned further away from him or gotten angrier. She had, in fact, relaxed. It seemed, suddenly, that it didn't matter if they continued if they could have some sort of peaceful closure. Not something abrupt like before. Not like any of the befores. But he didn't want to part ways any longer. The truth was, he didn't know what he wanted. He was torn between her and what she'd said earlier. On the one hand, he could turn out to be the fool, over emotional and broken. Or they would both be. Or something. But that wasn't going to stop him, not when she couldn't keep her eyes off him and he had trouble looking away from her. Not when what they'd finally managed to achieve was so fresh. He wondered, ever so briefly, if Dionysus had been this stubborn and a glutton for pain.

Kaius had scared her when he'd stepped forward, but he'd almost always been faster than she had. Despite her startled half reaction, she molded herself to him, and the sound that left her when she began to return his kiss made his arms tighten around her. She was reciprocating everything he gave her, and it made what little air there was between them harder to breathe. He tried not to devour everything she gave him, tried not to be more intense than he was being, and he could feel himself failing miserably. He took everything into him and shared his with her. It was the closest to being one with her that he'd felt since the spirit walk. They'd balanced each other perfectly in her bathroom, and despite all the oneness he felt, he wanted that balance.

The shyness that kept crossing her face was endearing, and it made him smile. Her hands on his face were gentle, even as they moved into his hair. She repeated herself, and Kaius smiled, likely the truest smile he'd ever given her. "I love you, too," he whispered in return, finally completing that conversation the way it was meant to be completed. She wrapped her arms around him and began to cry again, and he simply held her. When she apologized against his neck, he rubbed her back and comforted her the way she'd wanted him to in the beginning. He bent slightly, reaching down to hook his arm around her knees and lift her. Kai cradled her against him, keeping his cheek against her temple so that she knew he was still with her, and moved against the wall of a quidditch tower so they weren't out in the open. There he settled down with her between his legs and just let her cry against him. If they were out here all night, then so be it.
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Cynthia Deville
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She felt his arms tighten around her as she responded to his kiss and it made a raw almost relieved sound escape her mouth. This was what she had always wanted from him, despite any softness he had shown her in the past there was always something in his grip on her that called to her. Tonight Cynthia needed that feeling more than ever, perhaps more than she would ever need it again. It was what she had craved for when she had met him in the hallways after summer, in a way since then she had always needed that strength of his in order to keep believing in her own, despite all the things she had gone through and was still going through. So she hugged him closer to her, a little tighter than before, and suddenly the air between them wasn't enough, loaded with an intensity she hadn't been able to feel for months now. She kissed him again, more urgently this time and still couldn't quite believe what was happening as she never wanted to let him go.

She had missed this so much. It was a miracle that she had been able to go without it, him, for such a long time, that she had been able to pretend that it didn't matter as much as it truly did. And then she was pulling back slightly to look at Kai's face, watching a smile spread over his lips that she wasn't sure she had ever seen before. His whispered words made her heart jump and for the first time since perhaps ever she let an almost hopeful smile slide over her own lips in return. It wasn't the first time Kaius had said he loved her - far from it - but she realized it was the first time she could truly take these words in and understand their meaning. It was like learning a completely new word in a different language, one that had up until then not existed in your own.

Despite her silent tears, her lips brushed his throat, nostrils inhaling his scent as she closed her eyes briefly to simply feel him surrounding her. The last bit of tension in her faded away until she just felt slack against him, like all the pain and anger that had kept her so uptight and indifferent had just drifted away. She pressed her lips against his neck softly, nuzzling him. The way his hand rubbed over her back made her release a shuddering breath and she allowed herself to fall into him like she had never done before when he cradled her against him. He lifted her which in turn just made her turn further into him, not wanting to part.

When he had settled her down between his legs, Cynthia curled up against him, face still buried between his neck and shoulder. She didn't break down like she had thought she might and while the tears kept running down her cheeks for a few minutes, she didn't sob and soon stopped shaking against him. Her fingers slid over the side of his neck into the short strands of hair at the back of his head and she couldn't help herself, kissing his jaw and cheek, then his lips. He tasted and felt like nothing and everything she remembered and it made her want to move against and into him and forget the rest of the world.
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Kaius Dei
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Kaius held her the way he always held her, keeping her close and in a constant reminder that she belonged to him. Or perhaps it was a constant reminder that he couldn't seem to let go of her, ever. It didn't matter, she was letting him hold her and he wasn't going to let her go while it was possible. When she tightened her own grip on him, he was surprised by the need behind that tiny movement. It prepared him for the change in her kiss, the urgency almost startling. She wanted him now, maybe more than she'd ever let him know. And Kaius couldn't help but respond to it with his own sudden sense of urgency; lips parting and growing more demanding as he deepened the kiss between them.

There was a look of wonder on her features when she pulled back to look at him, and he was moved by that expression. It made the smile on his lips broaden and brighten, especially as the hopeful smile lit her face. Gods, she was beautiful when she smiled - for all the pouty faces she'd ever given him - and he couldn't quite believe that she loved him of all people. Reaching up, he stroked over her cheek with the backs of his fingers then along her jaw with the tips. "Beautiful," he whispered, "So very beautiful."

The way she relaxed against him was new, and Kaius found himself liking it very much. His eyes closed as she kissed and nuzzled him and his body reacted. He offered her more of his neck, his hands growing firmer against her as they moved over her back. It was suddenly difficult to stay here and not take her back to his bed. But here was better for them, right now, and he would keep them where it was safe for them to be. Of course, he supposed safe was only a referential and perspective term at this point, but it didn't keep him from holding her as tightly as he could while he walked.

Cyn curled against him, and it then dawned on him the weight she'd lost. She was smaller against him, and curled like this it was almost painful for him to feel. Still, she clung to him and kept her face buried in his neck. She was stronger than she thought, like he'd known, as she simply cried herself out instead of having an emotional breakdown. Her fingers slide into his hair, like she'd always done before, and he simply yielded to her lips. He kissed her in return for a long while, purely enjoying the very feeling and idea of being with her, touched by her, loved by her. And then he pulled away and rested his lips against her forehead for a moment. "How badly would continuing this way offset your goal of freedom?" he asked softly into the night. Now that he knew she loved him, he was willing to wait for her. Even if it took eternity for her to return to him.
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Cynthia Deville
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The way he deepened the kiss caused something between a moan and a gasp to escape her lips, it was a needy sound and while it still shamed her to some degree, she knew it was because she'd never really learned how to handle her feelings. Need wasn't something that existed in her life, at least she'd always been told so, but despite the pain it all caused, Cynthia knew now that she'd been wrong in never questioning what was laid out in front of her. She couldn't help her initial reaction towards her own need - that brief sense of disgust, of failure - but she could start asking herself why it made her feel the way she felt and then perhaps, hopefully, one day she could get rid off it altogether. Perhaps one day she would have no more thoughts inside her head except those which were her very own. The possibility of that made her grip tighten on Kaius and she found herself meeting the growing demand of his kisses with her own urgency, her own demands.

Pulling her own mouth away from his was a lot more difficult than she remembered but the way the smile on his lips broadened at her own made it worth it. She couldn't help but let her gaze linger, intensely taking in the expression on his face. His fingers were on her skin then, first on her cheek, then her jaw, but it was the way he whispered to her that really moved her. It made her throat close up and she suddenly felt shy and young and a bit self-conscious because of the way those simple words made her feel. It was too much and it made her almost glad when he offered more of his neck, distracting her from those eyes that were so intent, so honest upon her. She kissed his skin fiercely, despite her tears, and let out a shaky breath as the caresses down her back grew firmer. "Kaius," she half-moaned, half-choked, the name sounding so intense and raw, speaking of a thousand emotions she couldn't even begin to name, and she couldn't even recognize her own voice. Did she really sound like that?

When she curled against him, it didn't take her long to cry herself out in his arms, his scent and the warmth of his body, the simple reality of him being there, giving her strength she had wished for but had never really dared to believe in. She couldn't stop kissing him, it seemed, and their lips only managed to part once he had pulled away, his lips instead coming to rest against her forehead. Releasing a long breath to calm herself, she was surprised to feel her heart racing inside her chest, so fast, in fact, that it took her quite some moments to calm down. His soft question helped and despite how badly their talk had started off tonight, she suddenly felt hopeful. Still, she was silent for a moment, needing to sort through her thoughts for a moment enough to be able to focus.

"It wouldn't," she started softly, then pulled back enough to be able to look at him, honesty and seriousness darkening her gaze as she continued to speak, "as long as my behaviour around Lydia doesn't change. She hasn't violated my mind for months now and she's been starting to treat me like she did before - well, before the summer. I'm not proud of it but I have been playing my part really well." She grimaced at that, then smiled somewhat sadly but the gesture was honest rather than bitter. Swallowing, she straightened slightly in Kai's embrace, then self-consciously sought out his hand with her own, her fingertips brushing over the back of his hand before stroking along his fingers. Her throat was dry and now that the heated arguments between them were over, there were no spiteful remarks of his that forced her to respond before she could think. She was on new unfamiliar ground here and it made her feel awkward and nervous, nevertheless she wanted and needed to jump over her own shadow once and for all. She glanced at Kai's and her almost intertwined fingers for a moment, then released a somewhat shaky breath as her gaze returned upwards to lock with his own.

"I really want to be with you. And I could be, now that she isn't breathing down my neck at every given moment. That is, if you still want to be with me after.. after everything. You have no reason to trust me or believe in me but I can do this, if you're willing and able to believe in me." She laughed slightly, a nervous sound. "I know it's impertinent of me to ask that of you. Believe me, I know." She shook her head. "But maybe one day you actually can. And I guess all I'm saying is that.. that I'd really like that chance."
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Kaius Dei
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The sound that left Cynthia's mouth as they kissed was incredible - the need that laced it was absolutely mesmerizing and enticing. It made him open up further to her, wanting to feed whatever need it was that she had. It didn't matter if this was the first of the last goodbyes or if he was just dreaming it. If she was willing to feel - and feel for him - nothing else really mattered. Or so he would have liked to think. But for now, in this dark night with nothing but the haze of emotions and wants surrounding their reason, here it was perfect and nothing else mattered. Her returned kiss was intensity and want redoubled, but it wasn't so that she could dominate him this time - though now he would have gladly just allowed it - it was so they were equals in their hunger and need for each other. If she hadn't been so breath taking against him, Kaius was certain he'd be gasping for air just at the gravity of the realization.

The way she looked at him when he smiled, one of the few true smiles he'd ever given her, was priceless and he memorized her expression in that moment instantly. The shift that came over her when he spoke made it clear to him that no one had ever made an impact with those words. The shyness in her eyes made him want to keep her safe from everything inside him, even though he'd already shown her most of it. Most of all, it made him want to make her blush just from flirting with him. He was certain that he could, but that she wouldn't appreciate it much while she was crying. The fierce way she kissed his neck made him smile. No, he probably couldn't make her blush by flirting. When he heard his name, so broken with emotion, his grip on her tightened and he pulled her against him so tightly that he wondered absently if it might be painful for her.

Cynthia didn't pull completely away from him when he asked his question; he was elated by the mere idea of it. She certainly had changed. She wasn't bothered by the gentle softness of resting his lips against her forehead, nor the intimacy it implied. Honestly, after what had happened between them over the summer, Kaius didn't think they would ever really be more intimate. That had been incredible. He let her take her time to gather her thoughts, as much as his patience dwindled to a small voice in the back of his mind. When she did speak, he nodded silently and let her explain. "We both have parts to play now," he replied quietly. "I doubt either of them are really anything to be proud of." He watched her take his hand in hers, curious as to why she didn't intertwine their fingers. When she looked at their hands, he wound their fingers together, so she could see that representation of what he wanted. What they both wanted. When her eyes came up to his, he returned her gaze steadily.

Kaius nodded as she finished. "You're right. I have no reason to trust you, except... I love you. And love makes me stupid and persistent. Or maybe more of those than normal. But it also makes me trust you, despite whatever it is I say when I'm angry." The nervous expression in her laughter caught his attention and it simply would not do. He leaned down with a bit of a conspiratorial gleam in his eyes. "Cynthia Deville," he whispered sharply, "Will you be my super super secret girlfriend?" He moved away just slightly so he could give her a more serious look. "You should know, however, that I take the title girlfriend very seriously."
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Cynthia Deville
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The truth was she had no idea what she was doing and she was fairly certain it was painfully obvious in this situation too. She hadn't felt like this in - well, she was sure she had never really felt like this, like a child exploring a playground for the first time. With Kaius here and their feelings for each other out in the open, Cynthia felt very young and inexperienced. And how could she not, when the past few months she'd been forced to really grow up, to always think five steps ahead rather than to simply act. She couldn't have afforded to just go with the flow, it probably would have ruined her more than Lydia had tried to ruin her, but the truth also was that she was so sick of all those plans, those strategies. At least for now in this very moment she didn't want them or need them, she could just be who she was (whoever that was) and not have to hide. It was liberating to be sure but also frightening. It pained her to realize that in some way she had never learned how to deal with freedom.

Kaius' grip on her tightened, it was so tight that in any other moment it might have hurt but right now, it simply just felt right. She hugged him to her and in reality it shocked her how easy it was to give into him. He let her speak and for that she was glad, then again she suspected that in some way Kaius most of the time seemed to know a lot better how to handle her than she could handle herself. Nodding in silent agreement at his quiet reply, she knew that this wasn't going to be easy, that soon they would not be able to be as open to each other as they were now, not when there were others around. But as she watched Kaius intertwine his fingers with her, a soft breath escaped her and she knew that it didn't matter. Perhaps - and she had never thought she'd think like this - as long as they could be open and honest to each other, it would be fine. She could hide her intentions and plans from the rest of the world all she wanted - and she had to - but she didn't want these games between them anymore, not like before.

Licking her lips, her gaze rested on their intertwined hands a moment longer before she squeezed back lightly, feeling better. Their gazes locked again and when he said he loved her, it made her heart leap again. "You can be stupid with me," she whispered quietly, her dark eyes intent on him even though her expression remained soft. She suddenly felt like she would be able to fight the rest of the world, as long as she didn't have to fight him. And then that last bit of anxiety faded away when he leaned down to her, the conspirational gleam clear in his eyes. The thought that he looked cute flashed through her mind and with his sharp whisper in the air between them, she couldn't help but laugh softly, her hands coming up to rub over her face for a moment. "Oh god," she murmured a little embarassed. She couldn't believe they were doing this. Trying not to feel shy, ridiculous or childish at the whole situation, Cynthia straightened again, looking right back at him. "Yes," she answered him, then studied his face as the expression on it grew more serious.

"Seriously how?" she asked, a little unsure about whether he was just playing with her or if he really wanted to talk about this in all seriousness. She really had no idea how to go about this, especially not when pretty much all they had done in the past was to either fight stubbornly or call a truce. They'd never come as far as declare peace and in a way it felt like that this was exactly what they were doing now.
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