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Gate
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Oct 26 2010, 12:10 AM
Post #1
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...What
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So this was the consistency of my math class last week. I was bored and wrote and adult story. Be warned, this is kinda vulgar and i'm young and all just be mature and get over it, this main character is a little mean in his head. This is not the first chapter, maybe the third or 4th, or even 6th. I'll probably make andy gay... just to do it...
Going DoVVn: By Jebus
- Quote:
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__Andy was in the SynchroTech Corp. office, his palms sweating from the anxiety of this upcoming meeting. As he walked near the elevator, pressing the down button, he waited for the elevator to come. It seemed to be taking awhile, but Andy thought it was probably just his fight or flight reaction kicking in since he was about to fly out of this meeting as soon as he made a fool of himself. When the elevator had finally opened, there was Rodrick, the janitor for the lobby. Why Rodrick was up on any floor higher than that was beyond Andy. __Neither men felt any need to say anything as Andy came into the elevator and pressed the button to the third floor. He wanted to just get down so he may be able to get this meeting done with, it was causing so much stress in his life that he needed to get it out of the way so he may move on in his life, whether that means going a level lower or filing for unemployment. He looked over at Rodrick, still wondering as to why he was up so high, still though, saying nothing. As he pressed the close button on the side panel and waited for the doors to close, never before had Andy felt that the elevator was this slow. But as the doors almost closed, Sage from the cubicle across the room and his corporate squeeze Helena, the photocopy girl, had stopped the door and jumped in. __Andy was now horribly uncomfortable, he disliked Sage and Helena, not to mention the perturbing nature of Rodrick. As Sage picked his floor, he and Helena moved to the back right corner of the elevator for some 'hands on business'. He tried not to notice them, but with the doors only just closing she was already making disturbing noises. He wondered what Sage and Helena could possibly be going, but after hearing her squeal in her high pitched, bimbo voice, he realized exactly what they were doing and tried to concentrate on something else. As Andy felt the elevator go down, he had just noticed the putrid smell of whatever was inside of the pale Rodrick was holding. The other two seemed to notice as well, it smelled as though he had just baked some eggs, raw meat, and old milk into that pale and just picked it up from the roof after a month or so. "Maybe it was his lunch a year ago." Andy said to himself, chuckling in his head as to his comment, but was able to restrain this aloud. __Andy had felt some turbulence on his way down, he was between the 6th and 5th floor, only three away from his destination but as the tremors became more violent, he began to lose his balance and fell to the support bar on the side of the elevator. Rodrick however had not been as lucky and fell on his head, spilling that putrid liquid all over the car. He fell onto the ground, his back supporting him on the side of the elevator which kept him from drowning. The couple had stopped doing what they were doing and were as scared and confused as Andy was. __"Whats the meaning of this!" Sage shouted, why Andy had no idea, the cameras were probably not even being attended to. But still, he assumed it was better than going about their business like this was no big deal. Helena seemed to be equally worried as the rest of us, but the only one who seemed to be completely oblivious of the obvious. __"Did we stop?" She asked, Andy could see that even Sage was perplexed with how obvious that was, and yet how she missed it completely. __"Yes you moron, were stuck." Andy said flatly, he had no reason to be respectful to this bimbo if she is completely unable to even comprehend a moving elevator from a stopped one. Both Sage and Helena looked at him grudgingly, he knew why, but if she was going to be a total nitwit, he didn't care much. __"Well, maintenance will come and fix it ASAP, were fine." Sage muttered dishearteningly. Andy knew as well as he did they would be stuck in this elevator for several hours before anyone came to fix it, and with that putrid smell and Rodrick passed out cold, neither Sage nor Andy had any ideas as to what to do next, Helena was useless when it came to anything besides fucking after all.
Thats all I got before math ended, the underscores are my own little indents...
the double v instead of the w was for the button you push on an elevator... the going down one...
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lethargicAnarchist
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Oct 26 2010, 07:29 AM
Post #2
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- Posts:
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Yes, literature and exploding clay are art. Puppets are most definitely not, though!
And you should have better things to do in a math class, but that's neither here nor there. Assuming you want critique, I'd say that you need to work on the flow of the story. It just doesn't flow as a narrative. Also, you wrote 'were' instead of 'we're' a couple of times, and 'comprehend a moving elevator from a stopped one' does not make sense.
Grammer Nazi, AWAY~
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