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Topic Started: Sep 12 2011, 04:16 PM (133 Views)
ilovebluepostits
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So, I wrote this fic like 3 months ago, after the season finale. I’ve just translated into english a little piece of it. It’s so much longer so this is just THE TALK. (it was so much work translate the whole fic) This is not gonna be a “ok, we are fine. Let’s move on” fic. This is, maybe, the first talk they need to have before so many more talks. This is the first time I write something in english so thanks so much to Fefy and Trace for their help. This is just a bit of what I think Meredith and Derek need at this moment: A TALK. They need to talk about what they feel, what they think and how they are going to fix it. Step by step. They need this and maybe…time. So, this is it. Sorry if this is crap. I’ve written A LOT of fics in spanish. I've been writing for almost 4 years, but NEVER in english so I’m a little scared. Thanks again to Fefy because she encouraged me to do this :)

When I have time and if you like it, I'll try to do the same with some of my one-shots. I have a lot but all of them are in spanish :'(

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Meredith was holding Zola, looking at Derek without saying a word. It had been the same the past 5 days, not a single word about them or work, just about Zola. It felt like Zola was the only thing Derek wanted to talk about.

“So Derek, how long are we going to stay like this? Because if you want to spend the rest of your life looking at me like I’m a criminal or a murderer just tell me. If you are gonna stay just because of her, I’d rather you…”

“What do you want me to say?” Derek looked at her, staring into her eyes for the first time since they had the big fight because of what Mer did.

“I don’t know…just say…something, whatever you want. I know I’ve screwed it up. I know it.”

“You’ve done more than that, Meredith.”


“Well, at least you’ve said something.”

“I…I’ve been trying to understand why you did what you did and I swear to you that…at some point…I think I might understand it. At least I want to understand it. I’m trying Meredith…but, you are not an intern anymore. You can’t go around the hospital doing things like that.”


“It’s not about that Derek! You don’t understand. You never understand anything.”

“I see. I am the one who never understands you, right?”

“You like to judge me like you are God, like I am a bad person or a criminal. That’s what you do and you love it! That’s your thing, Derek. It’s what you do best.”

Derek took a deep breath, closing the door.

“YOU TAMPERED WITH THE CLINICAL TRIAL MEREDITH! It’s like…like…we cheated on it. ALL OF WHAT WE’VE DONE IS USELESS AND THAT’S THANKS TO YOU!. YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING!”

Meredith held Zola tightly in her arms and looked at her husband with fear in her eyes. She got it. He had every right to be angry. She’d made a mistake, a hugely stupid mistake. She knew it. She also knew why she did it. She had her reasons but he had been incapable of listening to her so far.

“What I did, didn’t affect the trial. It didn’t change anything or…”

“FOR GOD’S SAKE MEREDITH, STOP SAYING THAT! You didn’t have any right to decide who got the placebo or who got the drug. You didn’t have any right to make that choice”.

“But a computer can? That’s what you are trying to tell me? A computer can play with people’s lives like it’s God and it can decide who has the right to heal and who doesn’t?”


“I’m not saying that.”

“I can’t understand why you see everything so so simply, Derek. It’s not! We are talking about human beings. The world is much more complicated than this. It’s not about people getting the placebo and people not getting it. This is about trying to do something to improve people’s lives. So, forgive me for trying to make Adele’s life a little easier…”


“You can’t decide Meredith.”

“Of course I can. And that’s what I did.”


Derek looked at her, defeated. It was impossible to argue with her. As long as she thought she made the best decision he couldn’t do anything at all. He looked at the floor and whispered.

“This was about you Meredith. The whole clinical trial, was about you.”

“I know. I know that Derek but just…think about this. What if Adele had been my mother? Or…what if she had been your mother? What would you have done if you had the chance just in front of you?”


Derek looked at her, surprised. He realized that, to an extent, as dark and twisted that supposition was, she was right. He tried to think. He tried to stay calm but he couldn’t. What Meredith did was wrong and she knew it. But what Meredith did was right in some way. He couldn’t judge her. He couldn’t do that anymore. So he sat down, and spoke with his voice totally broken.

“I guess…I guess I would have done the same.”

Derek took Zola from Mer and he held her in his arms. He kissed her cheek and looked at her thinking about how much they loved that girl and how much they have been wishing for a baby. He didn’t know how or why but he felt the need to reach for his wife’s hand and feel all those things he had been missing during the past days. They didn’t talk. They just looked at each other. Zola made that little noise while she was falling asleep in his arms, that little noise that Derek loved so much . Maybe this was just the beginning. A big breach had been opened between them, a professional and personal breach. They were the only ones who could close it.

“Meredith, why didn’t you think about you? Why didn’t you think about your career? You put everything at risk.”

“Because I couldn’t allow myself that luxury. Adele was just disappearing in front of me. And we had a way to fix that. She…she thought I was my mom.” A tear rolled down Mer’s face and Derek felt like that puzzle, that mess he had been trying to put together, finally started to make sense. “I felt like…like I could do something for her. I could help her. I thought that doing this I…”

“You thought you were fixing in some way what Richard and your mom did.”

“No, I don’t know Derek, well, maybe it was because of that…I don’t know. I just felt that I had to help her. And I mean…I’m not proud of what I did. I wasn’t thinking in that moment. And maybe that was my mistake. I’m not saying I’m right or that what I did was right but, I did what I felt I had to do.”

“We can lose her because of that.” Derek kissed Zola and smelled her hair. For one moment he thought about the idea of losing her, and that he wouldn’t want to forget all those little things he loved about that baby.

“Oh no…you are not going to blame me for that, Derek. First you tell me I’m gonna be a bad mother and now you tell me this. You know what? I have news for you: YOU ARE NOT PERFECT EITHER. But I don’t go around judging you for all the mistakes you’ve made. You were the one who left me alone with OUR baby, but you don’t see me rubbing it in your face every 5 minutes”

“Ok…so it’s all my fault, right?”


“You are…unbelievable! I know I screwed it up. Believe me, I know. You don’t have to repeat the reasons why we were doing this trial. You have told me so many times already I know them by heart. I’m sorry, Derek. I’m so sorry but I’m not going to stand here begging for your mercy. I understand you’re angry. You have the right to be angry because I did something wrong even when I thought I did something right at the moment. I thought I was helping a woman who needed our help. You can be mad at me because I don’t agree with you and you don’t agree with me. This is a marriage. You are angry. I’m angry. But we love each other even when we are angry at each other. Derek, we can’t just run away when we have a problem. We need to stay and fix it. Do you remember that Derek? Do you remember or do I have to show you that little blue piece of paper that is over our bed? So, I just wanted to say… I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I betrayed you professionally. That was wrong on so many levels Derek but don’t you dare call me a bad mother again, because I won’t stand for it”

Meredith was not crying, not even a single tear. She was just angry. She was tired of the mess she created and dragged Derek and Zola into. She really wanted to fix things with Derek but it was really really difficult. After saying all she had to say she felt better. There were a lot of things that she wanted to tell Derek that day, the day he had hurt her with his words again, but she didn’t. Now all those words came out from her mouth and she couldn’t control herself.

“Ok Meredith. Ok. I’m sorry. I was an ass, I was stupid and I’m really really sorry. I should have never told you that! You are not a bad mother. It’s impossible to even think you’re going to be one. Just…look at what you did because you care. You care about everyone but yourself and that’s your biggest strength and at the same time…it’s your biggest weakness.“ Meredith couldn’t believe what he was doing. She didn’t expect that. So she just moved closer to him while he kept talking. “Those words…I didn’t meant them, Meredith. I don’t know if we are going to be the best parents ever but we can try to just be the best parents we can be. Maybe the first day will be a mess, but the next day we’ll do better, and the day after that even better still. We’ll learn something new every day. So, please, forgive me. You are going to be the best mother for her. She needs you. She needs us and we… we’ll try to fix this. Ok?”

Meredith doubted for a second. She remembered the 1st night she was with Zola, alone, all night. She was really scared, so scared. She was afraid she would have to continue this journey alone but Derek was with them now. He just needed his time. It’s just how he is sometimes but he was there now. She smiled shyly and kissed him on the cheek.

“Ok.”

“We’ll figure it out Mer. We are going to need time. I need you to know that I love you and I’m here because I want to be with you. Now we have Zola. We need her and she needs us. I don’t know how much time we will need but I do know we are going to make this right. I’m sorry Meredith.”


“I’m sorry Derek. I promise you that…”

“No.”
Derek put his fingers over Meredith’s lips. “You don’t need to promise me anything. We made vows. That’s the promise we have to keep now. This is a new start. It’s a rough one but we’ll do fine if we remember that”



;) Hope you like it.
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xsweetmysery
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love it :wub:
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MerDer_Addict
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Really love it :D
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Anita
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I love it! I've read your fics in spanish and I love the way you write, so i like you try in english. I hope read more in english
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