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| Chapter 8; Fealty | |
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| Topic Started: Dec 7 2008, 05:23 PM (60 Views) | |
| Elite Lord Sigma | Dec 7 2008, 05:23 PM Post #1 |
Advanced Member
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Excuse me if I'm a bit rusty. It's about time that the script got going again. I'm going to suggest that if we have Info conversations, that they start here. Chapter 8: Fealty Narrator: (Braxus appears onscreen.) Braxus has arrived in Rayon with his loyal paladin Diego after a long voyage across the sea. (Karen appears.) He meets with fellow commander Karen to defeat bandits terrorizing a local town. Now, their combined forces begin to march toward the capital of Rayon. Despite lingering doubts over the previous battle, Braxus soldiers onward to halt the insurrection as quickly as possible. (Chapter screen appears. Info conversations become available.) [** Info Conversation: Luigi] [Braxus is at [2,R], and Luigi is at (5,L).] Braxus: Hello, Luigi. Luigi: Oh, hello, General! Great day, is it not? Braxus: I'm not actually a general. My proper title would be commander. Anyway, I needed to talk to you. Luigi: Of course! What do you need? Braxus: What exactly are your services? Luigi: Well, I do all sorts of things. I can store any items in my convoy that you don't need or can't carry. In addition, I also buy and sell weapons and all sorts of items. Braxus: What kind of items and weapons are you talking about? Luigi: Well, I only have basic weaponry at the moment along with some vulneraries, but I can acquire better items depending on where we are and how much I'm making. Braxus: Thank you. It'll be a pleasure doing business with you. Luigi: Thank you, Commander! I'll be sure to provide fair prices on anything I sell. Please stop by whenever you need me! [Chapter begins. Platter appears at (3,L).] Platter: Hm, it seems that the Sarisian army is approaching our position. Come on, men! Prepare yourselves for battle! Lucas (5,L): Oh, dear! The Sarisians are so powerful! I don't want to die! Platter (3,R): Quit your bellyaching, soldier! The enemy is about to walk into our ambush! Buck up! They're nothing that we can't handle! Lucas: F-fine, Captain Platter. I just don't-- Platter: Did you not just hear me?! GET READY! Lucas: AGGH! (Lucas leaves.) Platter: Well, at least not everybody in this group is like that coward. We're men of Rayon, and we'll fight to our last breaths! [The scene switches over to Braxus' group. He is at (3,R), Diego is at (5,L), and Karen is at (1,R).] Diego: I'd advise that we proceed with caution, Commander Braxus. We could be attacked by the enemy at any time. Braxus: I'll keep that in mind, Diego. Karen: Hm...I'd already sent out someone to scout ahead for any danger. He should be returning any minute now. Schroeder [Offscreen]: Lady Karen! Karen: Hm? [Schroeder appears at (4,L). Diego moves to (6,L) while Karen and Braxus switch places.] Karen: Ah, Schroeder. Just on time. What did you see when I sent you up ahead? Schroeder: While I and my steed rode valiantly onward, I noticed the verdant green hills would provide an excellent hiding place for the enemy! As my duty as a knight sworn to the vows of chival- Karen: Please cut the drama and get to the point. Schroeder: I'm sorry. Anyway, I spotted enemy troops hiding among the hills near here! Karen: An ambush, eh? How many of them did you spot? Schroeder: It's not a terribly large troop, milady. It seems that it's led by one Captain Platter. Karen: I've never heard of the man. It's not that it matters when you consider that we'll probably defeat them. Schroeder: Please allow me to fight with you, milady! I swear to fight until my bones crumble into dust, and until the hills are nothing more than- Karen: Schroeder, enough with the eloquence. Just shut up and get ready to fight! Schroeder: As you wish, Lady Karen! [Schroeder leaves. Everybody else assumes position.] Braxus: All right. Diego, tell everybody to prepare for battle! Diego: Right away, commander! [The battle begins.] [The beginning of Turn 4 rolls around.] Lucas: GAH! I can't take this anymore! I've got to get out of here! I want to live! [Lucas hurriedly leaves the map.] Platter: What the hell is he doing? Bah, I've no use for deserters now! I'll deal with him later! [Normal] Platter: I am Platter, a knight of Rayon! [Braxus vs. Platter] Braxus: You're a Rayon officer? You...aren't what I expected. Platter: Is that an insult? You Sarisian scumbags are all the same...Taste my lance! [Diego vs. Platter] Platter: A senior Sarisian soldier, yes? Diego: Correct. I've been in the army for many years. Platter: At least Sarisia sent one. All the rest seem like young pups! Diego: Truthfully, Sarisia doesn't see Rayon as much of a threat. Basically, Braxus was sent here as a training mission. Platter: How dare they underestimate our might! Come, we fight! [Ivan vs. Platter] Platter: All you Sarisians are so young! Ivan: So what, mister? I can still fight like a tiger! Platter: I'll teach you to respect your elders! [David vs. Platter] Platter: For a young soldier, you sure look composed. David: That is because of the elite Sarisian training I recieved. My instructor was none other than Captain Diego, the greatest warrior I know. Platter: Ha! You still have a lot to learn! David: We'll see about that. [Schroeder vs. Platter] Schroeder: Clear the battlefield, old man! Civilians may get hurt! Platter: Grrr...civilian?! I am the commanding officer here! Schroeder: Oh, great... [Karen vs. Platter] Platter: A magic user! Karen: Do you have a problem with that? Platter: Yes! You cowardly mages hide behind your allies and attack from afar, where it is safe! You ought to fight like a real soldier! Karen: Oh, shut up. [Platter loses all HP.] Platter: Herreg! Herreg...I...failed... [Platter dies.] [Battle ends. Braxus is at (5,L), Diego is at (3,R), and Karen is at (1,R).] Braxus: Ahh...that was a tough battle. Karen: You must be joking, Braxus. That troop was hardly worth the time we spent routing them. If Rayon's army is really this weak, then taking the capital won't take long at all. Diego: I wouldn't be so sure. Karen: And why would that be, General? Diego: Platter had very few men and was not a gifted leader. General Herreg is the one we need to be concerned with. Braxus: Herreg? Diego: Yes. He was a common soldier back when Lord Kurt rebelled twenty years ago, but he was not actually involved. As most of Rayon's better military commanders were killed, he rose to become general of the entire army. Karen: Is there anything that you know that might help us fight against him? Diego: I apologize, but I know very little about him or any other segment of Rayon's military. I do know that he is not one to be taken lightly. Karen: Hmph. We'll deal with him when the time comes. Braxus: I suppose we must...for now, let's resume marching toward the capital. That would be the quickest way to end this war. Diego: I second that, Braxus. Begin marching! [Chapter ends.] Edited by Elite Lord Sigma, Dec 10 2008, 06:32 PM.
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| Kenshin | Dec 9 2008, 03:28 PM Post #2 |
A Man of Style and Taste
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As always, edits in red. Your script writing's very good. I mainly removed a few redundancies, changed some phrases around to make them flow better and sound more natural. I left out my usual confusing editing narrative, so make sure to ask if you have any questions about the changes I suggested. I didn't really go over the battle quotes, but there's not much in there that needs changing. EDIT: Is chapter 8 really a Braxus chapter? didn't Daddy mode go till 10? Edited by Kenshin, Dec 9 2008, 03:30 PM.
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Pleaes Ignore my terible spelling. IT'S A TRAP!!! | |
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| Bloodfalcon22 | Dec 9 2008, 06:57 PM Post #3 |
Ipwnsome
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WOOH! I thought this place was vacant |
| I am back as a non-noob, and decent( Or I hope) spriter | |
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| Elite Lord Sigma | Dec 9 2008, 09:31 PM Post #4 |
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Advanced Member
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I fixed the mistakes, changed words that I realized don't actually exist, and ironed out any kinks. |
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| Kenshin | Dec 10 2008, 03:39 PM Post #5 |
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A Man of Style and Taste
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This looks professional. We might have out written the actual FE writers with this one. I honestly didn't find one thing that needs work in the main script. The only thing that still needs a bit of touching up is the Diego/Platter convo. The "basically" in there trips up the flow. I'd suggest "Rayon is seen as a training mission for Commander Braxus." or something like that. Do whatever you think best with that. |
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Pleaes Ignore my terible spelling. IT'S A TRAP!!! | |
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| Elite Lord Sigma | Dec 10 2008, 06:32 PM Post #6 |
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I moved basically to the beginning of the sentence it was in. |
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| Kenshin | Dec 11 2008, 03:14 PM Post #7 |
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A Man of Style and Taste
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Perfect. This script is now 100% done. |
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Pleaes Ignore my terible spelling. IT'S A TRAP!!! | |
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| Kirbilord | May 18 2009, 11:15 PM Post #8 |
Special K
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Garner is listed as being recruited in this chapter, so a recruitment scenario will be necessary. Here's my take: [Garner (Soldier) and Jet (Mage) enter map from bottom right] Garner: There's a town nearby. We can probably rest there for the night. Jet: I think not. Garner: Huh? What are soldiers doing here? Jet: Hmm, it seems a battle is about to take place. We should hurry on before we're caught up in the struggle. Garner: Hold, on... Those look like Sarisian troops. Jet: And...? Garner: I wonder what they're doing here in Rayon... Jet: Well whatever it is, it's no concern of ours. Garner: It looks like they'll need a hand. We should help them out. Jet: I'll take no part in this. Do what you will, I'm leaving. Garner: Jet... *sigh* Well, I guess I'm flying solo on this one. Now, where's their general...? Basically Garner starts out as a green unit and makes his way towards Braxus or Diego as the battle goes on. When he reaches one of them, he'll speak with them. The conversations are as follows: w/ Diego Diego: Take that! Garner: Woah! Careful! I'm not the enemy! Diego: Fine, then state your name and business. Garner: I'm Garner. I'd like to speak to your general. Diego: I'm afraid there's no time for that now. We've got a battle to fight. Garner: I'll help you out, then. Diego: Do you have any combat training? Garner: I served in the Sarisian army for five years, so I've seen my fair share of battles. Diego: A former soldier, eh? Okay. Let's go. *leaves* Garner: Right behind you. w/ Braxus Garner: You're the commander here, right? Braxus: Yes, I am Braxus. And who are you? Garner: Garner, sir. Braxus: Well then, Garner. Can I help you? Garner: What is a Sarisian general like you doing all the way here in Rayon? Braxus: I'm afraid I don't quite have to time to explain at the moment. Garner: No problem. Let me help you take care of these guys and then we'll talk. Braxus: Can you fight? Garner: I served in the Sarisian army myself for a time. I think I can handle it. Braxus: We appreciate the assistance, Garner. Shall we? Garner: Of course. After you. *Braxus exit* *Garner exit* At the end of the battle, if Garner is recruited... Garner: Whew, it's been ages since I've fought like this. Braxus: Excuse me. Garner, was it? Garner: Yes, sir. Braxus: I'd like to thank you for your aid. Garner: No problem at all. Jet: *appears* Are you content now? Garner: Ah, Jet! You missed all the action! Jet: I don't care. Shall we go now? Garner: Actually... If you don't mind, I think I want to tag along with these guys for a little while. If it's alright with you, of course, Commander Braxus. Braxus: I have no objections. Every sword counts. Jet: Hmph. Very well then. I'll be on my way. *leaves* Garner: He's always so tied up in his own affairs... Oh well. I'm at your service, I suppose. Braxus: Welcome to the group, Garner. -------- Just an idea. Open to edits and such. =P |
 "You Help, we Support." | |
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| Kenshin | May 19 2009, 09:10 PM Post #9 |
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A Man of Style and Taste
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Brilliant. I have no idea who Jet is, other than rather cold, and I picked that up from your writing. Great scenario, fits in very well with the rest of the chapter. |
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Pleaes Ignore my terible spelling. IT'S A TRAP!!! | |
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| Kirbilord | May 19 2009, 11:23 PM Post #10 |
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Special K
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Haha. Ignore Jet. He's just some random mage whom you probably never see again. But thanks. |
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"You Help, we Support." | |
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| General_Banzai | May 24 2009, 12:19 AM Post #11 |
Commander
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It's lovely. |
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