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Rosario + Vampire ( The Eternal Poison ); Fan Fiction of Rosario + Vampire crossover Eternal Poison
Topic Started: Dec 20 2010, 02:33 PM (496 Views)
Rondemion
http://www12.rondemion.limebits.com/index.html

[rainbow]This is my very own page for my Chapters.[/rainbow]
Edited by Rondemion, Dec 23 2010, 12:35 AM.
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bajuwa
so here's the proof i made for your chp 2.
only did the first couple pages in my word doc tho. I want you to take a look at the changes I made and try to proof the rest of the story yourself. It'll give you some practice if you can make the proper corrections.

[pm=Rondemion, bajuwa]
[spoiler=Ch 2 proof]
Ch 2 proof

(After a few hours of travelling, Tsukune and the harem finally calm down, including Moka who's been crying for two hours.)

(And so the journey to the Unknown Realm continues.)

(Moving on to the next story.) – is this necessary?

Bus Driver: *hi hi hi*

We're almost there kiddies, welcome to the Castle of the Third Hades King.
Tsukune: * wonders *

What happened here?

I remember that this Castle was torn apart when I came here to get Moka-san's rosario.

It’s like nothing had happened.

Bus Driver: * laughs * Did you think Issa Shuzen (Third Hades King) – putting in stuff like this during dialogue is really weird) would actually destroy his castle just because you have defeated him?

(Tsukune and the harem got confused by that question.) – this doesn’t seem necessary since you write that Tsukune is confused right after this.

Tsukune: * confused *

What do you mean by that Bus Driver-sama?

Bus Driver: *hi hi hi*

Tsukune-kun really is ignorant of what the Third Hades King can actually do.

Now that we're here, I guess you should go and look for a man named Valdus.

Moka: Bus Driver-sama, how do we actually find this man?

Bus Driver: I don't really know.

* exaggerated laugh *

But the Board Chairman told me that he is wandering in this Castle.

Moka: * whispers to her inner self * (it’s either ‘inner self’ or ‘Inner Moka’)

Maybe Valdus and Father know each other.

Inner Moka: Maybe, but I don't really think that Father would allow this man to wonder in his Sacred Castle.

I think it would be better if we try to ask Father about this Valdus man.

Kurumu: Who are you talking to, Moka?

Moka: I'm talking to Inner Moka, she wants us to talk to my Father about this mysterious man named Valdus.

Kurumu: * shocked *

What?

Have you not heard what Bus Driver-sama told us?

Are you out of your mind?

Moka: * smiles and looks at Tsukune *

Well, I don't think Father will hurt anyone. Besides, Tsukune is here.

Yukari: *desu desu*

Moka-san's right, Tsukune will protect us.

Mizore: * stares at Tsukune from behind a tree*

Yukari's right, Tsukune is a hero for us now. (think of something else, haven’t the ‘so and so’s right’ bit repeated twice in a row is a little odd sounding, maybe say ‘Yah!’ instead)

(The harem stares at Tsukune.)

Tsukune: What? I didn't actually defeat Moka-san's Father, I just got her rosario back.

Moka: * blushes *

Thanks for getting my Rosario back, Tsukune!

Tsukune: * blushes *

It's really nothing Moka-san, you know that I really like you and Inner Moka.

You're both important to me.

[/spoiler]
[/pm]

My major suggestions:
- careful of your random capitilizations. remember that only sentence starters and proper nouns should be capitilized.
- careful of tense. since this seems to be more like a manga script than a fanfic, you should use present tense in all sound effects/non dialogue.

If you can fix those up, then I can start giving you more suggestions later on ^^~
Edited by bajuwa, Dec 23 2010, 03:27 AM.
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Rondemion
bajuwa
Dec 23 2010, 03:24 AM
so here's the proof i made for your chp 2.
only did the first couple pages in my word doc tho. I want you to take a look at the changes I made and try to proof the rest of the story yourself. It'll give you some practice if you can make the proper corrections.

[pm=Rondemion, bajuwa]
[spoiler=Ch 2 proof]
Ch 2 proof

(After a few hours of travelling, Tsukune and the harem finally calm down, including Moka who's been crying for two hours.)

(And so the journey to the Unknown Realm continues.)

(Moving on to the next story.) – is this necessary?

Bus Driver: *hi hi hi*

We're almost there kiddies, welcome to the Castle of the Third Hades King.
Tsukune: * wonders *

What happened here?

I remember that this Castle was torn apart when I came here to get Moka-san's rosario.

It’s like nothing had happened.

Bus Driver: * laughs * Did you think Issa Shuzen (Third Hades King) – putting in stuff like this during dialogue is really weird) would actually destroy his castle just because you have defeated him?

(Tsukune and the harem got confused by that question.) – this doesn’t seem necessary since you write that Tsukune is confused right after this.

Tsukune: * confused *

What do you mean by that Bus Driver-sama?

Bus Driver: *hi hi hi*

Tsukune-kun really is ignorant of what the Third Hades King can actually do.

Now that we're here, I guess you should go and look for a man named Valdus.

Moka: Bus Driver-sama, how do we actually find this man?

Bus Driver: I don't really know.

* exaggerated laugh *

But the Board Chairman told me that he is wandering in this Castle.

Moka: * whispers to her inner self * (it’s either ‘inner self’ or ‘Inner Moka’)

Maybe Valdus and Father know each other.

Inner Moka: Maybe, but I don't really think that Father would allow this man to wonder in his Sacred Castle.

I think it would be better if we try to ask Father about this Valdus man.

Kurumu: Who are you talking to, Moka?

Moka: I'm talking to Inner Moka, she wants us to talk to my Father about this mysterious man named Valdus.

Kurumu: * shocked *

What?

Have you not heard what Bus Driver-sama told us?

Are you out of your mind?

Moka: * smiles and looks at Tsukune *

Well, I don't think Father will hurt anyone. Besides, Tsukune is here.

Yukari: *desu desu*

Moka-san's right, Tsukune will protect us.

Mizore: * stares at Tsukune from behind a tree*

Yukari's right, Tsukune is a hero for us now. (think of something else, haven’t the ‘so and so’s right’ bit repeated twice in a row is a little odd sounding, maybe say ‘Yah!’ instead)

(The harem stares at Tsukune.)

Tsukune: What? I didn't actually defeat Moka-san's Father, I just got her rosario back.

Moka: * blushes *

Thanks for getting my Rosario back, Tsukune!

Tsukune: * blushes *

It's really nothing Moka-san, you know that I really like you and Inner Moka.

You're both important to me.

[/spoiler]
[/pm]

My major suggestions:
- careful of your random capitilizations. remember that only sentence starters and proper nouns should be capitilized.
- careful of tense. since this seems to be more like a manga script than a fanfic, you should use present tense in all sound effects/non dialogue.

If you can fix those up, then I can start giving you more suggestions later on ^^~
Baj, I removed all the unnecessary capitalizations, and rephrase some story part. :)
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bajuwa
but you completely ignored all the other changes i made x.X
go back and check the proof i gave you; compare it with your original.
you'll find there are tons of mistakes that I needed to change, hence why i was only able to get through a couple pages.
I only made comments on the parts that i thought might need further explaining.
also, you don't need to quote me when you're posting directly after me, and we both know who and what you're talking about ^^;
Edited by bajuwa, Dec 24 2010, 08:46 PM.
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bajuwa
nope, no matter what link you give me, its still the same.
the proof I sent you only had corrections on the basics, so punctuation, spelling, capitilization, etccc....
I wasn't able to actually get to things like sentence flow, format, description, etcc....
so please take another look at the proof and make the appropriate changes, then I can take another look and give you suggestions that will improve your story writing skills as opposed to just the grammatically writing ^^;
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Rondemion
@baj - Ill review the proofing you gave me again :).
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