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Topic Started: Sep 18 2012, 12:55 PM (26,606 Views)
dai Cottomy
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waiting4atickle Yesterday, 1:36 PM Post #2792



It's awful, the lies that we tell
And maybe we'll all go to Hell
So always tell the Truth
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dai Cottomy
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I'm a good cook, so my friends say
The ones who've survived anyway
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I won first prize with my soufflé
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waiting4atickle
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I'm a good cook, so my friends say
The ones who've survived anyway
I don't like to boast
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I won first prize with my soufflé

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Mobson
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I'm a good cook, so my friends say
The ones who've survived anyway
I don't like to boast
But as well as a roast
I won first prize with my soufflé


My puddings are a real treat


Edited by Mobson, Aug 6 2016, 01:52 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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My puddings are a real treat
Especially when fruity and sweet
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Edited by dai Cottomy, Aug 9 2016, 07:49 PM.
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Douglas
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My puddings are a real treat
Especially when fruity and sweet
But when bitter and tart
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Edited by Douglas, Aug 12 2016, 12:43 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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My puddings are a real treat
Especially when fruity and sweet
But when bitter and tart
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Why not try something else to eat?
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Douglas
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My puddings are a real treat
Especially when fruity and sweet
But when bitter and tart,
I've sure lost the art.
Why not try something else to eat?

Last night, at the Charity Ball,
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Edited by Douglas, Aug 13 2016, 09:49 AM.
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Douglas
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Last night, at the Charity Ball,
I stood all alone by the wall.
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dai Cottomy
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Last night, at the Charity Ball,
I stood all alone by the wall.
A girl asked me to dance
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Douglas
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Last night, at the Charity Ball,
I stood all alone by the wall.
A girl asked me to dance
I leapt at the chance
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Douglas
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Last night, at the Charity Ball,
I stood all alone by the wall.
A girl asked me to dance
I leapt at the chance.
We left after twice round the hall !!!


Last night, by the light of the moon,
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Edited by Douglas, Aug 13 2016, 05:09 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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Last night, by the light of the moon,
I looked up and saw a red balloon
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Douglas
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Last night, by the light of the moon,
I looked up and saw a red balloon
'Twas so big and round
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Douglas
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Last night, by the light of the moon,
I looked up and saw a red balloon
'Twas so big and round
But it made not a sound
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Douglas
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Last night, by the light of the moon,
I looked up and saw a red balloon
'Twas so big and round
But it made not a sound
As it drifted away to Troon.

There once was a singer called Stewart
Edited by Douglas, Aug 18 2016, 09:27 AM.
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dai Cottomy
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There once was a singer called Stewart
Whose vocal sounds sometimes do hurt
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Douglas
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There once was a singer called Stewart
Whose vocal sounds sometimes do hurt
So they sent him away
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dai Cottomy
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There once was a singer called Stewart
Whose vocal sounds sometimes do hurt
So they sent him away
To Guantánamo Bay
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Douglas
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There once was a singer called Stewart
Whose vocal sounds sometimes do hurt
So they sent him away
To Guantánamo Bay
Where they used him to practice some new art.

I longed for a life free of care
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dai Cottomy
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I longed for a life free of care
So I decided to cut off my hair
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Edited by dai Cottomy, Aug 19 2016, 01:03 PM.
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Douglas
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I longed for a life free of care
So I decided to cut off my hair
And just wear a wig
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dai Cottomy
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I longed for a life free of care
So I decided to cut off my hair
And just wear a wig
While dancing a jig
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Douglas
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I longed for a life free of care
So I decided to cut off my hair
And just wear a wig
While dancing a jig.
I always make sure I've a spare.

One day, on my way to the bank,
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dai Cottomy
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One day, on my way to the bank,
I got hit on the head by a plank
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Douglas
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One day, on my way to the bank,
I got hit on the head by a plank.
It knocked me out cold
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dai Cottomy
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One day, on my way to the bank,
I got hit on the head by a plank.
It knocked me out cold
Let the story unfold
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Douglas
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One day, on my way to the bank,
I got hit on the head by a plank.
It knocked me out cold
Let the story unfold
It seems it was done as a prank.

I think there's only thee and me
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Edited by Douglas, Aug 20 2016, 05:17 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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I think there's only thee and me
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Move along there, there's nothing to see
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Douglas
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I think there's only thee and me
But wait ! There's he and she
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Move along there, there's nothing to see
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waiting4atickle
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I think there's only thee and me
But wait ! There's he and she
They may be imposters
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Move along there, there's nothing to see

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Douglas
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I think there's only thee and me
But wait ! There's he and she
They may be imposters
But the image it fosters !
Move along there, there's nothing to see.

There was a young man called Colquhoun
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dai Cottomy
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There was a young man called Colquhoun
Who could play tunes on his teeth with a spoon
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Douglas
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There was a young man called Colquhoun
Who could play tunes on his teeth with a spoon
Both Schubert and Liszt
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waiting4atickle
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There was a young man called Colquhoun
Who could play tunes on his teeth with a spoon
Both Schubert and Liszt
And, when he was pissed,
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Douglas
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There was a young man called Colquhoun
Who could play tunes on his teeth with a spoon
Both Schubert and Liszt
And, when he was pissed,
He'd try to play the bassoon.

There was a young fellow from Staines
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Edited by Douglas, Aug 23 2016, 03:54 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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There was a young fellow from Staines
Who liked being tied up in chains
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Douglas
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There was a young fellow from Staines
Who liked being tied up in chains
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And paid her a quid for her pains.
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waiting4atickle
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There was a young fellow from Staines
Who liked being tied up in chains
He asked a young lass
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And paid her a quid for her pains.

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dai Cottomy
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There was a young fellow from Staines
Who liked being tied up in chains
He asked a young lass
Who happened to pass
And paid her a quid for her pains.

A stockbroker from Surrey named Jones




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Douglas
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A stockbroker from Surrey named Jones
Was told that he had kidney stones
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waiting4atickle
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A stockbroker from Surrey named Jones
Was told that he had kidney stones
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She said, in the most dulcet tones.

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Douglas
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A stockbroker from Surrey named Jones
Was told that he had kidney stones
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"They'll only get worse"
She said, in the most dulcet tones.
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waiting4atickle
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A stockbroker from Surrey named Jones
Was told that he had kidney stones
When he spoke to the nurse,
"They'll only get worse"
She said, in the most dulcet tones.


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But, believe it or not,
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Douglas
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There was an old fellow from Fife
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But, believe it or not,
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waiting4atickle
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There was an old fellow from Fife
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But, believe it or not,
He was having the time of his life.

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Douglas
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There was an old fellow from Fife
Who had an obstreperous wife
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But, believe it or not,
He was having the time of his life.
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Douglas
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There was an old fellow from Fife
Who had an obstreperous wife
She called him a clot
But, believe it or not,
He was having the time of his life.


One night, while out on the spree
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Caro

One night, while out on the spree
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And I at last could break free.
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dai Cottomy
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One night, while out on the spree
I drank two bottles of Chablis
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And I at last could break free.
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Douglas
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One night, while out on the spree
I drank two bottles of Chablis
Then a bottle of Beaune
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And I at last could break free.
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dai Cottomy
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One night, while out on the spree
I drank two bottles of Chablis
Then a bottle of Beaune
Whilst on the 'phone
And I at last could break free.

An appalling old man from The Wirral
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Edited by dai Cottomy, Aug 29 2016, 01:15 PM.
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Douglas
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An appalling old man from The Wirral
Took a young lassie out for a whirl
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dai Cottomy
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An appalling old man from The Wirral
Took a young lassie out for a whirl
He said: "close your eyes"
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Douglas
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An appalling old man from The Wirral
Took a young lassie out for a whirl
He said: "close your eyes"
As he fondled her thighs
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dai Cottomy
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An appalling old man from The Wirral
Took a young lassie out for a whirl
He said: "close your eyes"
As he fondled her thighs
And got bitten by her pet squirrel

A sweet little old lady from Brent
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Edited by dai Cottomy, Aug 30 2016, 11:05 AM.
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Douglas
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A sweet little old lady from Brent
Decided to sleep in a tent
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dai Cottomy
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A sweet little old lady from Brent
Decided to sleep in a tent
In the wee small hours
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Douglas
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A sweet little old lady from Brent
Decided to sleep in a tent
In the wee small hours
Some violent showers
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Caro

A sweet little old lady from Brent
Decided to sleep in a tent
In the wee small hours
Some violent showers
Made her seek out houses for lent.

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Today we are going to town
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Edited by Caro, Aug 31 2016, 10:30 PM.
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Douglas
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I have an old friend called Brown.
Today we are going to town
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dai Cottomy
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I have an old friend called Brown.
Today we are going to town
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At our age it's best to sit down
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Douglas
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I have an old friend called Brown.
Today we are going to town
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Though we're no that fu'
At our age it's best to sit down
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dai Cottomy
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I have an old friend called Brown.
Today we are going to town
For a pint of brew (that's the best I can do)
Though we're no that fu'
At our age it's best to sit down

An old gent who suffered from gout




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Douglas
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An old gent who suffered from gout
Was prone to the drinking of stout
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Caro

An old gent who suffered from gout
Was prone to the drinking of stout
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He cried out, "Oh my!"
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Douglas
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An old gent who suffered from gout
Was prone to the drinking of stout
But when feeling dry,
He cried out, "Oh my!"
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dai Cottomy
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An old gent who suffered from gout
Was prone to the drinking of stout
But when feeling dry,
He cried out, "Oh my!
I think I'm about to conk out"

A middle aged spinster from Reading


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Douglas
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A middle aged spinster from Reading
Took the greatest of care with her bedding
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Edited by Douglas, Sep 4 2016, 01:04 AM.
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dai Cottomy
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A middle aged spinster from Reading
Took the greatest of care with her bedding
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The other she saved for her wedding
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Caro

A middle aged spinster from Reading
Took the greatest of care with her bedding
---------------------------------
So she took one sheet off
The other she saved for her wedding
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Douglas
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A middle aged spinster from Reading
Took the greatest of care with her bedding
She would marry a toff
So she took one sheet off
The other she saved for her wedding

There was an old man called Dalziel
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Edited by Douglas, Sep 5 2016, 10:46 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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There was an old man called Dalziel
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His mate's name was Menzies
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Douglas
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There was an old man called Dalziel
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His mate's name was Menzies
Who asked what this thing is
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Edited by Douglas, Sep 6 2016, 10:51 AM.
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Caro

There was an old man called Dalziel
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His mate's name was Menzies
Who asked what this thing is
And was told it was merely to kneel.

(In New Zealand both Menzies and Dalziel are pronounced as they are spelt.)
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Douglas
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There was an old man called Dalziel
Who feared he was destined for Hell
His mate's name was Menzies
Who asked what this thing is
And was told it was merely to kneel.

(In New Zealand both Menzies and Dalziel are pronounced as they are spelt.)

There was a young fellow from Yoker
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dai Cottomy
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There was a young fellow from Yoker
Who won a fortune at poker
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Douglas
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There was a young fellow from Yoker
Who won a fortune at poker
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So he ended up as a stoker.
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dai Cottomy
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There was a young fellow from Yoker
Who won a fortune at poker
Then lost the whole lot
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So he ended up as a stoker.
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Douglas
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There was a young fellow from Yoker
Who won a fortune at poker
Then lost the whole lot,
Believe it or not,
So he ended up as a stoker.

There was a young man from Darjeeling
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dai Cottomy
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There was a young man from Darjeeling
Whose nose was perpetually peeling
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Douglas
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There was a young man from Darjeeling
Whose nose was perpetually peeling
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Which gave him a curious feeling.
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dai Cottomy
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There was a young man from Darjeeling
Whose nose was perpetually peeling
with a flick of the wrist
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Which gave him a curious feeling.
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Douglas
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There was a young man from Darjeeling
Whose nose was perpetually peeling
with a flick of the wrist
It fell on his chest
Which gave him a curious feeling.

One beautiful morning in June
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waiting4atickle
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One beautiful morning in June
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And the dish ran away with the spoon.

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Douglas
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One beautiful morning in June,
When paying a visit to Troon,
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And the dish ran away with the spoon.
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waiting4atickle
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One beautiful morning in June,
When paying a visit to Troon,
I reached for my brassie
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And the dish ran away with the spoon.

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Douglas
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One beautiful morning in June,
When paying a visit to Troon,
I reached for my brassie
Then fell for a lassie
And the dish ran away with the spoon.

When playing a round on the course,
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Edited by Douglas, Sep 10 2016, 05:29 PM.
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waiting4atickle
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When playing a round on the course,
It's best to stay out of the gorse
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Douglas
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When playing a round on the course,
It's best to stay out of the gorse
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It just will give you cause for remorse
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waiting4atickle
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When playing a round on the course,
It's best to stay out of the gorse
Which is prickly and thorny
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It just will give you cause for remorse

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Caro

When playing a round on the course,
It's best to stay out of the gorse
Which is prickly and thorny
And what might sound corny
It will just give you cause for remorse.

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She galloped along
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Douglas
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She galloped along
As she sang an old song
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dai Cottomy
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She galloped along
As she sang an old song
The words of which were rather coarse
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Douglas
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When mounted upon her fine horse
She galloped along
As she sang an old song
The words of which were rather coarse
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dai Cottomy
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One day in a fit of remorse
When mounted upon her fine horse
She galloped along
As she sang an old song
The words of which were rather coarse

The lady of course was Godiva
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Douglas
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The lady of course was Godiva.
T'was all for a bet of a fiver
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Edited by Douglas, Sep 11 2016, 02:49 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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The lady of course was Godiva.
T'was all for a bet of a fiver
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"After that I need a reviver"
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waiting4atickle
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The lady of course was Godiva.
T'was all for a bet of a fiver
------------------------
And Tom heard her say,
"After that I need a reviver"

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Douglas
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The lady of course was Godiva.
T'was all for a bet of a fiver
But it took her all day
And Tom heard her say,
"After that I need a reviver"

There was an old fellow from Luton
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waiting4atickle
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There was an old fellow from Luton
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And now he's allergic to gluten.

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