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Topic Started: Sep 18 2012, 12:55 PM (26,605 Views)
dai Cottomy
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waiting4atickle Yesterday, 1:36 PM Post #2792



It's awful, the lies that we tell
And maybe we'll all go to Hell
So always tell the Truth
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dai Cottomy
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There was an old fellow from Luton
Who loved to lie down on his futon
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---------------------------
And now he's allergic to gluten.
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Douglas
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My mistake
Edited by Douglas, Sep 12 2016, 12:30 AM.
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waiting4atickle
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There was an old fellow from Luton
Who loved to lie down on his futon
And eat bread and cheese
---------------------------
And now he's allergic to gluten.

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Douglas
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There was an old fellow from Luton
Who loved to lie down on his futon
And eat bread and cheese
But caught some disease
And now he's allergic to gluten.

There was a young fellow from Glamis
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dai Cottomy
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There was a young fellow from Glamis
Who could recite the whole Book of Psalms
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------------------------------
-----------------------------------------
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Douglas
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There was a young fellow from Glamis
Who could recite the whole Book of Psalms
------------------------------
------------------------------
As he feasted on oysters and clams.
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waiting4atickle
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There was a young fellow from Glamis
Who could recite the whole Book of Psalms
------------------------------
And slid to the floor
As he feasted on oysters and clams.


I'm beginning to wonder if Anglo-Scottish limericks are such a good idea.)

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dai Cottomy
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There was a young fellow from Glamis
Who could recite the whole Book of Psalms
He let out a roar
And slid to the floor
As he feasted on oysters and clams.


There once was a chappie called Belvoir
Edited by dai Cottomy, Sep 12 2016, 10:10 PM.
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Douglas
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There once was a chappie called Belvoir
Who caught a most virulent fever
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Edited by Douglas, Sep 12 2016, 10:21 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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There once was a chappie called Belvoir
Who caught a most virulent fever
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-------------------------
He swore he didn't deceive her
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Douglas
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There once was a chappie called Belvoir
Who caught a most virulent fever
-------------------------
Whatever they said
He swore he didn't deceive her
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Mobson
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There once was a chappie called Belvoir
Who caught a most virulent fever
Found fornicating in bed
Whatever they said
He swore he didn't deceive her
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Mobson
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Her name was Nastasya Filippovna
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dai Cottomy
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Her name was Nastasya Filippovna
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----------------------------
With her best friend Anna Petrovna




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Douglas
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Her name was Nastasya Filippovna
----------------------------------------
---------------------------
So she got into bed
With her best friend Anna Petrovna
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dai Cottomy
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Her name was Nastasya Filippovna
----------------------------------------
At thirty was unwed
So she got into bed
With her best friend Anna Petrovna
Edited by dai Cottomy, Sep 16 2016, 03:24 PM.
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waiting4atickle
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Her name was Nastasya Filippovna
She lived in the city of Kovna
At thirty was unwed
So she got into bed
With her best friend Anna Petrovna


--------------------------------
Was a Lithuanian dancer
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--------------------------------

Edited by waiting4atickle, Sep 16 2016, 02:20 PM.
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Douglas
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--------------------------------
Was a Lithuanian dancer
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------------------
But he was an out-and-out chancer
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dai Cottomy
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Austėja Petras - known as "the prancer"
Was a Lithuanian dancer
------------------
------------------
But she was an out-and-out chancer
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Douglas
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Austėja Petras - known as "the prancer"
Was a Lithuanian dancer.
She sought to impress
------------------
But she was an out-and-out chancer
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dai Cottomy
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Austėja Petras - known as "the prancer"
Was a Lithuanian dancer.
She sought to impress
By doffing her dress
But she was an out-and-out chancer


Bill Sykes had a girlfriend called Nancy
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Douglas
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Bill Sykes had a girlfriend called Nancy
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It depends on what tickles your fancy.
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dai Cottomy
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Bill Sykes had a girlfriend called Nancy
Who made eyes at a builder called Clancy
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--------------------------------
It depends on what tickles your fancy.
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Douglas
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Bill Sykes had a girlfriend called Nancy
Who made eyes at a builder called Clancy.
The builder, in turn,
--------------------------------
It depends on what tickles your fancy.
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waiting4atickle
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Bill Sykes had a girlfriend called Nancy
Who made eyes at a builder called Clancy.
The builder, in turn,
Had a crush on young Ern -
It depends on what tickles your fancy.



---------------------------------
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And caused quite a stir
---------------------------------

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Douglas
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---------------------------------
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And caused quite a stir.
It made the front page in the papers
Edited by Douglas, Sep 18 2016, 11:03 PM.
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waiting4atickle
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He had a dull job at the draper's
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-------------------
And caused quite a stir.
It made the front page in the papers

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dai Cottomy
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He had a dull job at the draper's
Suffered from a touch of the vapours
-------------------
And caused quite a stir.
It made the front page in the papers
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dai Cottomy
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He had a dull job at the draper's
Suffered from a touch of the vapours
Had a suit made of fur
And caused quite a stir.
It made the front page in the papers

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A miss is as good as a mile
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Douglas
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A dashing young man from Argyle
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A miss is as good as a mile
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Mobson
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A dashing young man from Argyle
Blessed with a most beguiling smile
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--------------------------------
A miss is as good as a mile
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waiting4atickle
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A dashing young man from Argyle
Blessed with a most beguiling smile
Failed to care for his teeth
--------------------------------
A miss is as good as a mile

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Caro

A dashing young man from Argyle
Blessed with a most beguiling smile
Failed to care for his teeth
And the gums underneath
But a miss is as good as a mile.

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She took to the air
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Edited by Caro, Sep 24 2016, 06:14 AM.
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dai Cottomy
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She took to the air
On a wing and a prayer
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waiting4atickle
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She took to the air
On a wing and a prayer
And came down with a bump in the yard.

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Douglas
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------------------------
Was persuaded to try something hard.
She took to the air
On a wing and a prayer
And came down with a bump in the yard.
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Mobson
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Ann, who worked as a prison guard
Was persuaded to try something hard
She took to the air
On a wing and a prayer
And came down with a bump in the yard.
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Mobson
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The inmates laughed when she fell
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Douglas
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The inmates laughed when she fell
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It is always so hard to tell.
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dai Cottomy
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The inmates laughed when she fell,
Hit the ground and muttered: "Oh Hell!
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----------------------------
It is always so hard to tell
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waiting4atickle
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The inmates laughed when she fell,
Hit the ground and muttered: "Oh Hell!
----------------------------
Or just having fun?
It is always so hard to tell

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dai Cottomy
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The inmates laughed when she fell,
Hit the ground and muttered: "Oh Hell!
Was it a dry run?
Or just having fun?
It is always so hard to tell


An appalling old crone called Della
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Douglas
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An appalling old crone called Della
Could never stop eating Nutella
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-----------------------------------
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Caro

An appalling old crone called Della
Could never stop eating Nutella
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And then was so sick
-----------------------------------
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Douglas
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An appalling old crone called Della
Could never stop eating Nutella
-----------------------------
And then was so sick
All over the shoes of a fella.
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waiting4atickle
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An appalling old crone called Della
Could never stop eating Nutella
She spread it real thick
And then was so sick
All over the shoes of a fella.


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Fell asleep with his head in a mousse
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Caro

A dopey old man, name of Bruce,
Fell asleep with his head in a mousse
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dai Cottomy
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A dopey old man, name of Bruce,
Fell asleep with his head in a mousse
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-----------------
He discovered that he had turned puce
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Douglas
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A dopey old man, name of Bruce,
Fell asleep with his head in a mousse
-----------------
Oh, what a surprise,
He discovered that he had turned puce
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dai Cottomy
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A dopey old man, name of Bruce,
Fell asleep with his head in a mousse
When he opened his eyes
Oh, what a surprise,
He discovered that he had turned puce

A boisterous lady from Dover

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Douglas
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A boisterous lady from Dover
Had a like-minded dog she called Rover
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waiting4atickle
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A boisterous lady from Dover
Had a like-minded dog she called Rover
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-------------------
To the edge of the cliff and jumped over.


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Douglas
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A boisterous lady from Dover
Had a like-minded dog she called Rover
-------------------
She chased after him
To the edge of the cliff and jumped over.
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waiting4atickle
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A boisterous lady from Dover
Had a like-minded dog she called Rover
Then one day, on a whim,
She chased after him
To the edge of the cliff and jumped over.


A lollipop lady from Leeds
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Edited by waiting4atickle, Sep 26 2016, 04:59 PM.
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Douglas
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A lollipop lady from Leeds
Was noted for doing good deeds
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-----------------------
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Caro

A lollipop lady from Leeds
Was noted for doing good deeds
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------------
And gave them some jolly good feeds.
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Douglas
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A lollipop lady from Leeds
Was noted for doing good deeds.
She would open her door,
------------
And gave them some jolly good feeds.
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dai Cottomy
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A lollipop lady from Leeds
Was noted for doing good deeds.
She would open her door,
To let in the poor
And gave them some jolly good feeds


An itinerant beggar from Kilkenny
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Douglas
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An itinerant beggar from Kilkenny
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-----------------------
I told him I didn't have any
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waiting4atickle
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An itinerant beggar from Kilkenny
Being desperate to spend a penny
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-----------------------
I told him I didn't have any

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Douglas
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An itinerant beggar from Kilkenny
Being desperate to spend a penny
He asked me for money
-----------------------
I told him I didn't have any
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Caro

An itinerant beggar from Kilkenny
Being desperate to spend a penny
He asked me for money
To buy himself honey
I told him I didn't have any.

-------------------------
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It wasn't a game
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-------------------------
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Douglas
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-------------------------
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It wasn't a game
She was just an old flame
-------------------------
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dai Cottomy
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-------------------------
-------------------------
It wasn't a game
She was just an old flame
And was only after my lolly
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Douglas
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One night I was feeling so jolly
-------------------------
It wasn't a game
She was just an old flame
And was only after my lolly
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dai Cottomy
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One night I was feeling so jolly
I played a trick on young Molly
It wasn't a game
She was just an old flame
And was only after my lolly

She didn't think it was funny
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Douglas
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She didn't think it was funny
--------------------------------
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------------------------
And ran away with my money.
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waiting4atickle
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She didn't think it was funny
What I tried to do with the honey
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------------------------
And ran away with my money.

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Douglas
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She didn't think it was funny
What I tried to do with the honey
------------------------
She got out of bed
And ran away with my money.
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dai Cottomy
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She didn't think it was funny
What I tried to do with the honey
Shaking her head
She got out of bed
And ran away with my money.


A languorous lady from Leeds
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------------------------------------
Edited by dai Cottomy, Sep 30 2016, 12:18 PM.
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Douglas
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A languorous lady from Leeds
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Isn't the one who succeeds.
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dai Cottomy
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A languorous lady from Leeds
Liked men who did venturesome deeds
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---------------------------
Isn't the one who succeeds.
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Mobson
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A languorous lady from Leeds
Liked men who did venturesome deeds
They may'nt be bright
---------------------------
Isn't the one who succeeds.
Edited by Mobson, Oct 3 2016, 04:37 PM.
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Douglas
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A languorous lady from Leeds
Liked men who did venturesome deeds
They mayn't be bright
But the one always right
Isn't the one who succeeds.

If ever you come up this way,
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dai Cottomy
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If ever you come up this way,
Try to avoid coming on Friday
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--------------------------------
Edited by dai Cottomy, Oct 3 2016, 05:04 PM.
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waiting4atickle
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If ever you come up this way,
Try to avoid coming on Friday
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--------------------------
Be bonny, blithe and good and gay.

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Douglas
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If ever you come up this way,
Try to avoid coming on Friday
For that's the day when
--------------------------
Be bonny, blithe and good and gay.
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dai Cottomy
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If ever you come up this way,
Try to avoid coming on Friday
For that's the day when
Women dress up as men
Be bonny, blithe and good and gay.

A farmer I know has a large pig
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------------------------------------


Edited by dai Cottomy, Oct 4 2016, 09:30 AM.
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Douglas
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A farmer I know has a large pig
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And the pie was ever so big.
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dai Cottomy
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A farmer I know has a large pig
And has trained it to dance a highland jig
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-----------------------------
And the pie was ever so big.
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Caro

A farmer I know has a large pig
And has trained it to dance a highland jig
He's fattened it up

And the pie was ever so big.
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dai Cottomy
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A farmer I know has a large pig
And has trained it to dance a highland jig
He's fattened it up
With minced seal pup
And the pie was ever so big.

There once was a burglar called Vince
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Douglas
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There once was a burglar called Vince
------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
-----------------------------
So they fed him on "tatties and mince".
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dai Cottomy
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There once was a burglar called Vince
Whose favourite fruit was the quince
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-----------------------------
So they fed him on "tatties and mince".
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Douglas
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There once was a burglar called Vince
Whose favourite fruit was the quince
-----------------------------
Had none of that crop
So they fed him on "tatties and mince".
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Mobson
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There once was a burglar called Vince
Whose favourite fruit was the quince
But the local farm shop
Had none of that crop
So they fed him on "tatties and mince".
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Mobson
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...........................................
...........................................
.............................
As hard as they tried
............................................
Edited by Mobson, Oct 11 2016, 04:53 PM.
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Douglas
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...........................................
...........................................
.............................
As hard as they tried
They couldn't escape from her clutches
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dai Cottomy
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A female crook known as "The Duchess"
...........................................
.............................
As hard as they tried
They couldn't escape from her clutches
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Douglas
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A female crook known as "The Duchess"
Was very agile on her crutches
.............................
As hard as they tried
They couldn't escape from her clutches
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dai Cottomy
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A female crook known as "The Duchess"
Was very agile on her crutches
With her lightning stride
As hard as they tried
They couldn't escape from her clutches

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With a mighty heave
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Douglas
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With a mighty heave
While taking his leave
----------------------------------------
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Mobson
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Sam just loved working out in the gym
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With a mighty heave
While taking his leave
----------------------------------------
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Douglas
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Sam just loved working out in the gym
Wearing a visage so terribly grim
With a mighty heave
While taking his leave
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Caro

Sam just loved working out in the gym
Wearing a visage so terribly grim
With a mighty heave
While taking his leave
He broke down and damaged his limb.

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It seemed to be hit
------------------
-------------------------------
Edited by Caro, Oct 12 2016, 11:19 PM.
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Douglas
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--------------------------------
--------------------------------
It seemed to be hit
For it stumbled a bit
-------------------------------
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Douglas
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--------------------------------
--------------------------------
It seemed to be hit
For it stumbled a bit
Before it ran clean out of sight.
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waiting4atickle
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--------------------------------
Driving through the evening twilight
It seemed to be hit
For it stumbled a bit
Before it ran clean out of sight.

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Douglas
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I encountered a stag one night,
Driving through the evening twilight
It seemed to be hit
For it stumbled a bit
Before it ran clean out of sight.

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And couldn't stop scratching for weeks.
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Mobson
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We encountered strange creatures with beaks
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And couldn't stop scratching for weeks.
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