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Topic Started: Sep 18 2012, 12:55 PM (26,623 Views)
dai Cottomy
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waiting4atickle Yesterday, 1:36 PM Post #2792



It's awful, the lies that we tell
And maybe we'll all go to Hell
So always tell the Truth
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dai Cottomy
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I once had a golden retriever
That part-owned the castle of Hever;
Where lived Ann Boleyn
..............
He loved hunting reprobate beaver*
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waiting4atickle
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I once had a golden retriever
That part-owned the castle of Hever;
Where lived Ann Boleyn
And her partner in sin -
He loved hunting reprobate beaver


--------------------------------
--------------------------------
---------------------
And still it kept raining
--------------------------------

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dai Cottomy
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--------------------------------
--------------------------------
I started complaining
And still it kept raining
--------------------------------
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Mobson
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The weather today is simply horrid
.................................................
I started complaining
And still it kept raining
.................................................
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Norm Deplume
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The weather today is simply horrid
.................................................
I started complaining
And still it kept raining
Hat 's leaking. Rain 's dripping down forrid
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Mobson
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The weather today is simply horrid
Gales and thunderstorms so torrid
I started complaining
And still it kept raining
Hat's leaking. Rain's dripping down forrid



......................................................
.......................................................
As my hat blew away
.............................
........................................................
Edited by Mobson, Nov 21 2012, 07:37 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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It's windy, around a force four
.......................................................
As my hat blew away
.............................
........................................................
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waiting4atickle
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It's windy, around a force four
But to me it seemed a lot more
As my hat blew away
.............................
........................................................

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Norm Deplume
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It's windy, around a force four
But to me it seemed a lot more
As my hat blew away
To the far side of the bay
......................................................
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dai Cottomy
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It's windy, around a force four
But to me it seemed a lot more
As my hat blew away
To the far side of the bay
I set sail for the opposite shore


Half way across, the boat sprang a leak
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Norm Deplume
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Half way across, the boat sprang a leak
I thought, "AH! All it needs is a tweak"
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Caro

Half way across, the boat sprang a leak
I thought, "AH! All it needs is a tweak"
-------------------
-------------------
I shouted, "A harbour I seek."
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Norm Deplume
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Half way across, the boat sprang a leak
I thought, "AH! All it needs is a tweak"
The tool I got out
-------------------
I shouted, "A harbour I seek."










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waiting4atickle
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Half way across, the boat sprang a leak
I thought, "AH! All it needs is a tweak"
The tool I got out
Was covered in grout -
I shouted, "A harbour I seek."



The boy stood on the burning deck
-------------------------
-----------------
-----------------
-------------------------

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dai Cottomy
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The boy stood on the burning deck
He shouted out:"Oh flippin' 'eck"
-----------------
-----------------
-------------------------


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waiting4atickle
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The boy stood on the burning deck
He shouted out:"Oh flippin' 'eck"
-----------------
-----------------
And that was how he broke his neck.

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Norm Deplume
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The boy stood on the burning deck
He shouted out:"Oh flippin' 'eck"
The crow's nest fell from top o'mast
---------------
And that was how he broke his neck.

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waiting4atickle
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The boy stood on the burning deck
He shouted out:"Oh flippin' 'eck"
The crow's nest fell from top o'mast
Hitting him on the head quite fast
And that was how he broke his neck.


----------------------------------
----------------------------------
----------------------
As he polished his boots
----------------------------------

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Norm Deplume
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----------------------------------
----------------------------------
He thought of his roots
As he polished his boots
----------------------------------

Edited by Norm Deplume, Nov 28 2012, 11:30 AM.
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Norm Deplume
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A fresh young recruit in the army
----------------------------------
He thought of his roots
As he polished his boots
----------------------------------
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Mobson
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A fresh young recruit in the army
----------------------------------
He thought of his roots
As he polished his boots
Wondered "why am I here - I'm barmy!"
----------------------------------
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waiting4atickle
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A fresh young recruit in the army
Was missing his mother's pastrami.
He thought of his roots
As he polished his boots
Wondered "why am I here - I'm barmy!"



------------------------------
------------------------------
--------------------
--------------------
Can you blame him for having a beef?




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Norm Deplume
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Freddie Smiff(2Fs) was fed up to the teef
------------------------------
--------------------
--------------------
Can you blame him for having a beef?

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Norm Deplume
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Freddie Smiff(2Fs) was fed up to the teef
He'd been robbed by a bearded tea leaf
--------------------
--------------------
Can you blame him for having a beef?
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waiting4atickle
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Freddie Smiff(2Fs) was fed up to the teef
He'd been robbed by a bearded tea leaf
Of all he possessed
--------------------
Can you blame him for having a beef?

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Norm Deplume
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Freddie Smiff(2ffs) was fed up to the teef
He'd been robbed by a bearded tea leaf
Of all he possessed
Including his vest
Can you blame him for having a beef?



I can't think of anything worse than

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Norm Deplume
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I can't think of anything worse than
A tattood, half naked, short-vest man
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tafkaj

I can't think of anything worse than
A tattood, half naked, short-vest man;
--------------------------
--------------------------
By taking it home in a Jerry can.
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dai Cottomy
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I can't think of anything worse than
A tattood, half naked, short-vest man;
Who spends most of his time
--------------------------
By taking it home in a Jerry can.
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waiting4atickle
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I can't think of anything worse than
A tattood, half naked, short-vest man;
Who spends most of his time
Stealing vodka and lime
By taking it home in a Jerry can.



In the final month of the year
-----------------------------
------------------
------------------
-----------------------------

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dai Cottomy
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In the final month of the year
I see no good reason to cheer
------------------
------------------
-----------------------------
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Norm Deplume
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In the final month of the year
I see no good reason to cheer
Come on Dai, "Spirits up"
------------------
-----------------
................................
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waiting4atickle
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In the final month of the year
I see no good reason to cheer
Come on Dai, "Spirits up"
Let's have a stirrup cup
-----------------

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dai Cottomy
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In the final month of the year
I see no good reason to cheer
Come on Dai, "Spirits up"
Let's have a stirrup cup
O.K - seeing as we're all here

Here's good health to my cyber pals <beer>
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waiting4atickle
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Here's good health to my cyber pals <beer>
(I'd best not call you guys and gals <yikes> )

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dai Cottomy
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Here's good health to my cyber pals
(I'd best not call you guys and gals )
-----------------------------------
-----------------------------------
Posting these lines is good for morales
Edited by dai Cottomy, Dec 2 2012, 04:07 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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Here's good health to my cyber pals
(I'd best not call you guys and gals )
"Bottoms Up" dear friends
-----------------------------------
Posting these lines is good for morales
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dai Cottomy
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Here's good health to my cyber pals
(I'd best not call you guys and gals )
"Bottoms Up" dear friends
As the elbow ascends
Posting these lines is good for morales


The phone rang, I picked up and said hello


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Norm Deplume
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The phone rang, I picked up and said hello
The voice on the end was soft and mellow
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waiting4atickle
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The phone rang, I picked up and said hello
The voice on the end was soft and mellow
----------------------
----------------------
And that's when I heard him start to bellow.

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dai Cottomy
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The phone rang, I picked up and said hello
The voice on the end was soft and mellow
He said: is that Fred?
----------------------
And that's when I heard him start to bellow
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Mobson
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The phone rang, I picked up and said hello
The voice on the end was soft and mellow
He said: is that Fred?
No, Fred's Dead!
And that's when I heard him start to bellow

***********************************



............................................
He didn't believe a word I said
...............
...............
.............................................



Edited by Mobson, Dec 4 2012, 02:33 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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I told my whole life story to Ted
He didn't believe a word I said
...............
...............
.............................................
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waiting4atickle
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I told my whole life story to Ted
He didn't believe a word I said
...............
That I drink too much beer
.............................................

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Mobson
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I told my whole life story to Ted
He didn't believe a word I said
It was all so very clear
That I drink too much beer
.............................................

Edited by Mobson, Dec 4 2012, 09:57 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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I told my whole life story to Ted
He didn't believe a word I said
It was all so very clear
That I drink too much beer
Oh sod it! I'm going to bed


A lascivious young wench from Strathclyde

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waiting4atickle
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A lascivious young wench from Strathclyde
Took Henry, well hench, for a ride
--------------------
--------------------
------------------------------------

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Mobson
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A lascivious young wench from Strathclyde
Took Henry, well hench, for a ride
--------------------
--------------------
She ensnarled him to make her his bride
Edited by Mobson, Dec 5 2012, 07:30 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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A lascivious young wench from Strathclyde
Took Henry, well hench, for a ride
Brandishing her whip
--------------------
She ensnarled him to make her his bride
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waiting4atickle
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Mobson
Dec 5 2012, 07:30 PM
...ensnarled...
Nice word, Mobs.


A lascivious young wench from Strathclyde
Took Henry, well hench, for a ride
Brandishing her whip
And a cucumber dip
She ensnarled him to make her his bride


--------------------------
--------------------------
---------------
And licked all his fingers
--------------------------

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Caro

--------------------------
Spread cream all over her titties
---------------
And licked all his fingers
--------------------------
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waiting4atickle
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--------------------------
Spread cream all over her titties
---------------
And licked all his fingers
Then sang some rather rude ditties.

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Mobson
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A singer friend of Conway Twitty's
Spread cream all over her titties
---------------
And licked all his fingers
Then sang some rather rude ditties.
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Norm Deplume
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A singer friend of Conway Twitty's
Spread cream all over her titties
He was one of the mingers
And licked all his fingers
Then sang some rather rude ditties.



A nimble young thief from South Ealing
Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 7 2012, 03:54 PM.
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waiting4atickle
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A nimble young thief from South Ealing
Who wore muslin gloves when out stealing
--------------------
--------------------
----------------------------------

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dai Cottomy
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A nimble young thief from South Ealing
Who wore muslin gloves when out stealing
He lifted a purse
--------------------
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Hugh Jampton
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A nimble young thief from South Ealing
Who wore muslin gloves when out stealing
He lifted a purse
From a corpse in a hearse
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Norm Deplume
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A nimble young thief from South Ealing
Who wore muslin gloves when out stealing
He lifted a purse
From a corpse in a hearse
And went off on his way without feeling


I was teaching my Gran to suck eggs
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Mobson
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I was teaching my Gran to suck eggs
....................................................
..........
..........
Which we ended up buying from Greggs.
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Caro

I was teaching my Gran to suck eggs
And was getting right down to the dregs
..........
..........
Which we ended up buying from Greggs.

[Why suck eggs anyway? I remember my grandmother doing lots of things, but sucking eggs wasn't one of her obvious skills.]
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Norm Deplume
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I was teaching my Gran to suck eggs
And was getting right down to the dregs
There were tears in her eyes
..........
Which we ended up buying from Greggs.

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Norm Deplume
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I was teaching my Gran to suck eggs
And was getting right down to the dregs
There were tears in her eyes
'Cos she fancied steak pies
Which we ended up buying from Greggs.
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Norm Deplume
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.....................................................
The refuse man said, "I can't take that"
.........................
.......................
.........................................................
Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 9 2012, 04:55 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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I wanted to remove a dead cat
The refuse man said, "I can't take that"
.........................
.......................
.........................................................
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Mobson
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I wanted to remove a dead cat
The refuse man said, "I can't take that"
.........................
.......................
And use its fur coat for a hat!
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dai Cottomy
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I wanted to remove a dead cat
The refuse man said, "I can't take that"
......................
I think that I'll skin it
And use its fur coat for a hat!
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waiting4atickle
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I wanted to remove a dead cat
The refuse man said, "I can't take that"
So since I can't bin it,
I think that I'll skin it
And use its fur coat for a hat!


-----------------------------
-----------------------------
-----------------
And fell head over heels
-----------------------------

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Norm Deplume
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A buxom ice skater from Essex
-----------------------------
-----------------
And fell head over heels
-----------------------------
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dai Cottomy
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A buxom ice skater from Essex
Was advised to indulge in less sex
-----------------
And fell head over heels
-----------------------------
Edited by dai Cottomy, Dec 10 2012, 06:27 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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A buxom ice skater from Essex
Was advised to indulge in less sex
She mistook blades for wheels
And fell head over heels
-----------------------------
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dai Cottomy
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A buxom ice skater from Essex
Was advised to indulge in less sex
She mistook blades for wheels
And fell head over heels
With Matilda, the wife of her ex


Together they took off on their bikes
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Mobson
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Together they took off on their bikes
....................................................
..........
...........
Ending up with a threesome at Mike's
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Norm Deplume
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Together they took off on their bikes
Ignoring each other's dislikes
..........
...........
Ending up with a threesome at Mike's
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waiting4atickle
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Together they took off on their bikes
Ignoring each other's dislikes
When they got saddle-sore
...........
Ending up with a threesome at Mike's

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dai Cottomy
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Together they took off on their bikes
Ignoring each other's dislikes
When they got saddle-sore
And they could take no more
Ending up with a threesome at Mike's


You may ask how this story concluded



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waiting4atickle
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You may ask how this story concluded
And if anyone was denuded
------------------
------------------
------------------------------

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Norm Deplume
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You may ask how this story concluded
And if anyone was denuded
------------------
------------------
At the end they were sorely deluded

Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 11 2012, 04:54 PM.
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Mobson
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You may ask how this story concluded
And if anyone was denuded
............................
Their passion spent
At the end they were sorely deluded
Edited by Mobson, Dec 12 2012, 11:27 AM.
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dai Cottomy
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You may ask how this story concluded
And if anyone was denuded
Did they think to repent
Their passion spent
At the end they were sorely deluded


----------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------
She said, "Look what I've got"
---------------------------------------------
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Norm Deplume
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----------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------
She said, "Look what I've got"
And off they strolled into the sunset.
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Mobson
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Stan never fell in love with any girl he'd met
----------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------
She said, "Look what I've got"
And off they strolled into the sunset.
Edited by Mobson, Dec 12 2012, 11:04 PM.
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waiting4atickle
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<huh????>

Stan never fell in love with any girl he'd met
Until he chanced to meet one with her own clarinet*
-----------------------------------
She said, "Look what I've got"
And off they strolled into the sunset.


*If you can't beat 'em, join 'em - that's what I say.

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Mobson
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*Absolutely!

Stan never fell in love with any girl he met
Until he chanced to meet one with her own clarinet*
She knew her Buffer Crampton was hot
She said, "Look what I've got"
And off they strolled into the sunset.
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Mobson
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..................................................
Stan said he preferred playing flute
.............
.............
...................................................
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waiting4atickle
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Although he liked watching Joe Root <cricket>
Stan said he preferred playing flute
.............
.............
...................................................

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Mobson
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Although he liked watching Joe Root <cricket>
Stan said he preferred playing flute
....................
....................
Tho he did admit Jimmy Anderson's cute
Edited by Mobson, Dec 14 2012, 12:14 PM.
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tafkaj

Although he liked watching Joe Root <cricket>
Stan said he preferred playing flute
Music, not sport,
....................
Tho he did admit Jimmy Anderson's cute
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dai Cottomy
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Although he liked watching Joe Root
Stan said he preferred playing flute
Music, not sport,
Was his usual retort
Tho he did admit Jimmy Anderson's cute


They call football "the beautiful game"







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Norm Deplume
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They call football "the beautiful game"
To reflect society, that's a shame
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Caro

They call football "the beautiful game"
To reflect society, that's a shame
-------------------
-------------------
And 'gainst rugby it seems rather tame.
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tafkaj

They call football "the beautiful game"
To reflect society, that's a shame;
Beauty, you see,
-------------------
And 'gainst rugby it seems rather tame.
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waiting4atickle
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They call football "the beautiful game"
To reflect society, that's a shame;
Beauty, you see,
Kills by degree
And 'gainst rugby it seems rather tame.


----------------------------
----------------------------
----------------
----------------
Now that was a bruising encounter.

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Norm Deplume
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He suffered an outrageous dismounter
----------------------------
----------------
----------------
Now that was a bruising encounter.

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Norm Deplume
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He suffered an outrageous dismounter
There was not a suitable noun fer...
The way that he felt
----------------
Now that was a bruising encounter.
Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 17 2012, 12:27 PM.
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waiting4atickle
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He suffered an outrageous dismounter
There was not a suitable noun fer...
The way that he felt
When he met that black belt -
Now that was a bruising encounter.


A jolly judoka from Jarrow
-----------------------------
--------------------
--------------------
-----------------------------

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dai Cottomy
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A jolly judoka from Jarrow
Had for a pet a house sparrow
--------------------
--------------------
-----------------------------
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Mobson
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A jolly judoka from Jarrow
Had for a pet a house sparrow
It didn't do much
--------------------
-----------------------------
Edited by Mobson, Dec 18 2012, 08:59 AM.
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dai Cottomy
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A jolly judoka from Jarrow
Had for a pet a house sparrow
It didn't do much
--------------------
Shaped like a vegetable marrow
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Mobson
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A jolly judoka from Jarrow
Had for a pet a house sparrow
It didn't do much
Tho' nice to touch
Shaped like a vegetable marrow
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Mobson
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O hail the bicycling Hero! .... .... <tati> = BW <star>
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