| One Liners | |
|---|---|
| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 3 2012, 11:32 AM (10,328 Views) | |
| dai Cottomy | Oct 3 2012, 11:32 AM Post #1 |
|
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Oct 8 2012, 03:55 PM Post #2 |
|
We were so poor when I was a little boy that if I did not wake up with an erection on Xmas day, I would have had nothing to play with. |
![]() |
|
| dai Cottomy | Oct 8 2012, 06:14 PM Post #3 |
|
condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Oct 9 2012, 08:01 AM Post #4 |
|
The new camouflage condom, They won't see you coming..... |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Oct 9 2012, 10:10 AM Post #5 |
|
Strange you should mention that Mobsie, the Motto of HM Submarines (of which I was a proud member) is "We Come Unseen" |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Oct 9 2012, 10:20 AM Post #6 |
|
Edited by Mobson, Oct 9 2012, 10:20 AM.
|
![]() |
|
| waiting4atickle | Oct 10 2012, 04:02 PM Post #7 |
![]()
|
Labour: the party of one notion: more borrowing. (If nothing else, Dave seems to have a good scriptwriter.) |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Oct 13 2012, 06:35 PM Post #8 |
|
I watched a video on how ships are put together. Rivetting ! Stephen Francis...Edinburgh fringe Edited by Norm Deplume, Oct 13 2012, 06:36 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Oct 15 2012, 08:35 AM Post #9 |
|
Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a website?
|
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Oct 16 2012, 01:45 PM Post #10 |
|
I've got a private jet ... My mother owns the rest of the jacuzzi. [Milton Jones] |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Oct 16 2012, 04:14 PM Post #11 |
|
MTW Series 11 Ep 12
|
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Oct 16 2012, 04:19 PM Post #12 |
|
ditto.....if you've got a Sat Nav don't put the name of the company you're visiting into it - I tried to take some mayonnaise back the other day - I ended up in Hellman province....(Milton Jones)
Edited by Mobson, Oct 16 2012, 04:19 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Oct 16 2012, 04:33 PM Post #13 |
|
Hi Mr Bond - its me! Pussy-no-more! - Yeah I'm post-op now!
|
![]() |
|
| rumbaba | Oct 17 2012, 03:09 PM Post #14 |
|
I liked the private jet joke he did another good one but I've forgotten it
|
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Oct 23 2012, 07:52 AM Post #15 |
|
If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?
Edited by Mobson, Oct 24 2012, 02:03 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| dai Cottomy | Oct 23 2012, 10:43 AM Post #16 |
|
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. |
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Oct 23 2012, 02:22 PM Post #17 |
|
They say criminals always return to the scene of their crime - which probably explains why there are currently so many Australians in the UK. [Milton Jones again.] Edited by tafkaj, Oct 26 2012, 11:24 AM.
|
![]() |
|
| waiting4atickle | Oct 23 2012, 10:19 PM Post #18 |
![]()
|
That's an amazing coincidence, Mobs: only yesterday I was contemplating reprising on here my 'tad Polish' gag of some years ago - if only for taf's benefit. Post #16, dai - |
![]() |
|
| dai Cottomy | Oct 24 2012, 01:37 PM Post #19 |
|
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it's been though a blender first. |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Oct 25 2012, 12:02 PM Post #20 |
|
Ah camel souk anyone?
|
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Oct 26 2012, 11:24 AM Post #21 |
|
Why me? |
![]() |
|
| dai Cottomy | Oct 27 2012, 12:57 PM Post #22 |
|
The Creator, if He exists, has a special preference for beetles. ~ J. B. S. Haldane, 1892-1964, By sheer numbers alone, beetles have won the title of The Most Successful Form of Life. Beetles inhabit every corner of the globe in all kinds of weather. You could say that we're living on the planet of the beetles. http://www.extremescience.com/biggest-bug.htm Edited by dai Cottomy, Oct 27 2012, 01:01 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Oct 28 2012, 07:25 AM Post #23 |
|
I think I've lost my voice, but I'm married, so I haven't had an opportunity to find out for sure yet.
Edited by Mobson, Oct 29 2012, 11:08 AM.
|
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Oct 30 2012, 03:36 PM Post #24 |
|
If God had meant us to do philosophy he would have created us. (Marek Kohn.) |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Oct 30 2012, 04:32 PM Post #25 |
|
"I will respect this liver, after all it is not mine". The late, George Best |
![]() |
|
| dai Cottomy | Oct 30 2012, 08:57 PM Post #26 |
|
But he didn't, did he? "In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol… it was the worst 20 minutes of my life." George Best |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Oct 31 2012, 11:22 AM Post #27 |
|
"But he didn't, did he?" ------------------------- Precisely! |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Oct 31 2012, 11:25 AM Post #28 |
|
continuing the theme..... You know you drink too much when your doctor calls and asks you to destroy your donor card. |
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Nov 3 2012, 12:00 PM Post #29 |
|
Close, but no cigar ... |
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Nov 9 2012, 12:26 PM Post #30 |
|
I married way too young - at least, I think that's how my Chinese bride's name is spelled. [Stewart Francis, I think.] Edited by tafkaj, Nov 9 2012, 12:27 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| waiting4atickle | Nov 9 2012, 05:53 PM Post #31 |
![]()
|
2B or not 2B? Now that's a leaded question. I'll get me coat. |
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Nov 10 2012, 01:43 PM Post #32 |
|
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead (mate!). |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Nov 11 2012, 01:20 PM Post #33 |
|
11am on rememberance Sunday. The two minute window of opportunity in the calender year to get through to someone at British Gas.
|
![]() |
|
| waiting4atickle | Nov 11 2012, 01:54 PM Post #34 |
![]()
|
I'm saying nowt. |
![]() |
|
| dai Cottomy | Nov 11 2012, 03:55 PM Post #35 |
|
very tactful
|
![]() |
|
| waiting4atickle | Nov 12 2012, 10:56 AM Post #36 |
![]()
|
Why did God create economists? - In order to make weather forecasters look good. |
![]() |
|
| waiting4atickle | Nov 12 2012, 10:59 AM Post #37 |
![]()
|
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had an albino baby? They proved that two Wongs can make a white. |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Nov 12 2012, 12:05 PM Post #38 |
|
"Who are we?" "Women!" "What do we want?" "We don't know!" "When do we want it?" "Now!"
Edited by Mobson, Nov 12 2012, 12:06 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Nov 12 2012, 12:44 PM Post #39 |
|
"Who are we?" "The English!" "What do we want?" "Erm, something a little bland!" "When do we want it?" "Well, whenever's convienient for you, actually!" |
![]() |
|
| dai Cottomy | Nov 12 2012, 12:54 PM Post #40 |
|
"Who are we?" "The elderly" "what do we want?" "Some what's it called?" "when do we want it? " "want what?" |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Nov 12 2012, 05:10 PM Post #41 |
|
.... s'all good!GP charges £20 to sign passport pix... this is no joke!
Edited by Mobson, Nov 12 2012, 05:16 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Nov 13 2012, 03:10 PM Post #42 |
|
If You Can't Live Without Me, How Come You Weren't Dead Before I Met You? [Spoof song title by equally spoof C&W singer Tina C (aka Chris Green).] |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Nov 13 2012, 09:00 PM Post #43 |
|
I heard her sing that number on the Now Show on Friday evening - brilliantly funny is TIna C! |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Nov 22 2012, 12:44 PM Post #44 |
|
My husband is leaving me because of my obsession with metaphors. Came straight out of the blue.... Took the wind right out of my sails. ..... I smell a rat!
|
![]() |
|
| dai Cottomy | Nov 22 2012, 12:52 PM Post #45 |
|
clichés are my bête noir
Edited by dai Cottomy, Nov 22 2012, 12:54 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| waiting4atickle | Nov 29 2012, 10:53 PM Post #46 |
![]()
|
I'm worried my friend may be a paedophile - he has a 13 year old Escort. |
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Dec 1 2012, 01:22 PM Post #47 |
|
No they're not - they're what you put over your strawberries to protect them from frost. |
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Dec 1 2012, 01:23 PM Post #48 |
|
This friend of yours - did he sing glam-rock songs in the 1970s?
|
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Dec 4 2012, 05:06 PM Post #49 |
|
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that! |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Dec 4 2012, 05:07 PM Post #50 |
|
...Norm!!! You've just made me spill water all over my chest!
|
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Dec 4 2012, 07:31 PM Post #51 |
|
I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question ....... which I got wrong. The question was ‘Where do women have the curliest hair ?’ Apparently the correct answer was Fiji |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Dec 5 2012, 02:28 PM Post #52 |
|
Prince Harry is on the way to see Kate in hospital after hearing morning sickness is often treated with ginger.
Edited by Mobson, Dec 5 2012, 02:29 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Dec 5 2012, 04:27 PM Post #53 |
|
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly
Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 5 2012, 04:28 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| rumbaba | Dec 7 2012, 03:25 PM Post #54 |
|
When I was a kid my dad once told me, 'times are hard, you'll have to cut down to just one comic' - I thought 'well that's just dandy' |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Dec 7 2012, 03:59 PM Post #55 |
|
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry about the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.” |
![]() |
|
| waiting4atickle | Dec 7 2012, 10:47 PM Post #56 |
![]()
|
A slim, attractive girl served me in Burger King. She said, "Would you like to go large?" (Sorry, that's a bit below the belt.) I said to my fiancee, "Let's scrap the idea of getting married and enter into a civil partnership instead". "Not ****ing likely", she yelled. |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Dec 8 2012, 04:35 PM Post #57 |
|
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam. |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Dec 9 2012, 07:47 AM Post #58 |
|
Ikea are opening schools around the country - first thing every morning will be self-assembly! |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Dec 10 2012, 07:33 PM Post #59 |
|
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker. |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Dec 11 2012, 11:12 AM Post #60 |
|
It's that cold outside, the local flasher just described himself to me!
|
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Dec 15 2012, 01:46 PM Post #61 |
|
Stewart Francis was on BBC again last night ... ------------------------------------------------------ People say I'm a 'plagiarist' - their word, not mine ... I've never asked a rhetorical question - how cool is that? (Y'know what I'm saying?) ... I saw a documentary on how ships are held together; it was rivetting ... Have I already done my déjà vu joke ... ? ... At first, I didn't believe that my father stole from his job as a lollipop man, but all the signs were there ... I used to be a plastic surgeon - that raised a few eybrows ... |
![]() |
|
| dai Cottomy | Dec 15 2012, 01:55 PM Post #62 |
|
Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day- to-day living that wears you out |
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Dec 15 2012, 01:59 PM Post #63 |
|
Ain't that the truth! |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Dec 17 2012, 12:22 PM Post #64 |
|
Tweet from Anna: Dear Shops, Maybe you wouldn't be doing quite so badly if you weren't so chockful of old toot. Best wishes, Anna |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Dec 18 2012, 06:19 PM Post #65 |
|
A man is half Irish and half Indian. When completing a form that asked for his ethnicity he answered Caucasion ("Cork-Asian"!)
Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 18 2012, 06:20 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Dec 18 2012, 06:22 PM Post #66 |
|
|
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Dec 18 2012, 07:50 PM Post #67 |
|
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!" |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Dec 21 2012, 01:17 PM Post #68 |
|
I found some salad dressing at the back of my fridge with a use-by date of 21st.Dec. 2012..... I think it's Mayanaise... Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 21 2012, 01:18 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| dai Cottomy | Dec 21 2012, 01:50 PM Post #69 |
|
Old age is when you start forgetting names, then you forget faces… next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. Edited by dai Cottomy, Dec 21 2012, 01:56 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| rumbaba | Dec 21 2012, 02:57 PM Post #70 |
|
Ryan Giggs is having a four bird roast for Christmas: the names are subject to a super injunction |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Dec 22 2012, 03:51 PM Post #71 |
|
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher... ![]() 2 indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine . both in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka! ---------------------- Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 22 2012, 03:56 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Dec 23 2012, 03:25 PM Post #72 |
|
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40...... dfryu8ui9klop
|
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Dec 24 2012, 12:06 PM Post #73 |
|
I bought my mate a puppy for Xmas. It is mainly black and brown with just a few small white areas. He's going to call it Leicester!!! ..........................
|
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Dec 28 2012, 11:26 AM Post #74 |
|
to all above!A quiet man is a thinking man..... ....a quiet woman is usually pissed off.
|
![]() |
|
| waiting4atickle | Jan 2 2013, 06:18 PM Post #75 |
![]()
|
The politician is an acrobat. He keeps his balance by saying the opposite of what he does. Maurice Barres, novelist and politician (1862-1923) |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Jan 7 2013, 12:56 AM Post #76 |
|
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, nobody wanted them. |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Jan 9 2013, 02:09 PM Post #77 |
|
Olympics 2012 look back Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth. In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their hands on. Edited by Norm Deplume, Jan 9 2013, 02:12 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| waiting4atickle | Jan 9 2013, 06:14 PM Post #78 |
![]()
|
You're sailing a bit close to the wind there, Norm. |
![]() |
|
| becky sharp | Jan 9 2013, 07:18 PM Post #79 |
|
|
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Jan 10 2013, 02:15 PM Post #80 |
|
Tick, At my age I can afford to live dangerously now and again........... .............
|
![]() |
|
| waiting4atickle | Jan 10 2013, 08:47 PM Post #81 |
![]()
|
I thought you always had, Norm. Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. Me? I use coupons to get pizza... |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Jan 14 2013, 04:09 PM Post #82 |
|
Went to the cinema yesterday to see Les Misérables. I must be fluent in French; I understood every word.
Edited by Mobson, Jan 14 2013, 04:10 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Jan 15 2013, 03:16 PM Post #83 |
|
Is it expensive ... ? |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Jan 15 2013, 04:26 PM Post #84 |
|
If you have to ask,then you can't afford it...! |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Jan 18 2013, 05:19 PM Post #85 |
|
Then there was the dyslexic Yorkshireman, who wore a cat flap on his head ! |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Jan 20 2013, 05:59 PM Post #86 |
|
the and me is NormNever get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortuntate
Edited by Mobson, Jan 20 2013, 06:01 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| waiting4atickle | Jan 20 2013, 07:04 PM Post #87 |
![]()
|
I'm surprised we've had no burger jokes on here. My favourite was... I've just checked the burgers in my fridge - and they're off. |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Jan 21 2013, 05:00 PM Post #88 |
|
Apparently things are getting tough all round......even the Mafia are cutting back.... I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow ! By the way did you know that "Hamburgers" is an anagram of "Shergar Bum ?" |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Jan 22 2013, 02:22 AM Post #89 |
|
have you seen this? Tesco Where's My Mum? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rv5dW_lZyzc&feature=player_embedded |
![]() |
|
| waiting4atickle | Jan 22 2013, 08:19 AM Post #90 |
![]()
|
I have now. Have you seen this? or this? Apparently Tesco are giving double clubcard points on petrol and burgers. The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses. (How contrived can you get?) |
![]() |
|
| becky sharp | Jan 22 2013, 11:28 AM Post #91 |
|
You can lead a man to knowledge but you can't make him think. |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Jan 22 2013, 12:53 PM Post #92 |
|
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.. |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Jan 22 2013, 01:29 PM Post #93 |
|
Woopea! No schul agen tomo b'cos of sno....I luv b'ing er teechur.....
Edited by Mobson, Jan 22 2013, 01:30 PM.
|
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Jan 22 2013, 02:18 PM Post #94 |
|
Be as contrived as you like, so long as it's funny. Apparently horsemeat is very low in fat but contains quite a lot of Shergar. |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Jan 23 2013, 08:33 PM Post #95 |
|
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it..................
|
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Jan 26 2013, 01:36 PM Post #96 |
|
You'd think that by now - well into the twenty-first century - the medical profession would have combatted vitamin D deficiency, wouldn't you ... ? I mean, it's not ricketts science. |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Jan 29 2013, 02:32 PM Post #97 |
|
"Jesus Loves You." Nice to hear in church. A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison. HeySoos!!! |
![]() |
|
| tafkaj | Jan 29 2013, 03:28 PM Post #98 |
|
I suffer terribly with a mental condition that makes me eat two refreshing doughnut-like mints at a time ... I'm bi-Polo. |
![]() |
|
| Norm Deplume | Jan 30 2013, 05:49 PM Post #99 |
|
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. |
![]() |
|
| Mobson | Feb 1 2013, 01:25 PM Post #100 |
|
|
![]() |
|
| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
| Go to Next Page | |
| « Previous Topic · Mornington Crescent · Next Topic » |







Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a website?
MTW Series 11 Ep 12
- Yeah I'm post-op now!
he did another good one but I've forgotten it
Ah camel souk anyone?
I think I've lost my voice, but I'm married, so I haven't had an opportunity to find out for sure yet.

dfryu8ui9klop
to all above!
You're sailing a bit close to the wind there, Norm.
.............
and me is 
7:02 AM Jul 13