Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Add Reply
One Liners
Topic Started: Oct 3 2012, 11:32 AM (10,328 Views)
dai Cottomy
Member Avatar

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

We were so poor when I was a little boy that if I did not wake up with an erection on Xmas day, I would have had nothing to play with.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dai Cottomy
Member Avatar

condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

The new camouflage condom, They won't see you coming.....
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

Strange you should mention that Mobsie, the Motto of HM Submarines (of which I was a proud member) is "We Come Unseen"
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

Norm Deplume
Oct 9 2012, 10:10 AM
Strange you should mention that Mobsie, the Motto of HM Submarines (of which I was a proud member) is "We Come Unseen"
<ok> <laugh> <laugh> <laugh> <laugh> <laugh> <laugh> <laugh> <laugh> <laugh> <laugh> <laugh>
Edited by Mobson, Oct 9 2012, 10:20 AM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
waiting4atickle
Member Avatar


Labour: the party of one notion: more borrowing.

(If nothing else, Dave seems to have a good scriptwriter.)

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

I watched a video on how ships are put together.

Rivetting !

Stephen Francis...Edinburgh fringe
Edited by Norm Deplume, Oct 13 2012, 06:36 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

<erm> Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a website?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

I've got a private jet ...

My mother owns the rest of the jacuzzi.

[Milton Jones]
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

<applause> MTW Series 11 Ep 12
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

ditto.....if you've got a Sat Nav don't put the name of the company you're visiting into it - I tried to take some mayonnaise back the other day - I ended up in Hellman province....(Milton Jones)
Edited by Mobson, Oct 16 2012, 04:19 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

Hi Mr Bond - its me! Pussy-no-more! <seeya> - Yeah I'm post-op now! <bubbly>
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
rumbaba
Member Avatar

I liked the private jet joke :) he did another good one but I've forgotten it :(
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?
Edited by Mobson, Oct 24 2012, 02:03 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dai Cottomy
Member Avatar

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

They say criminals always return to the scene of their crime - which probably explains why there are currently so many Australians in the UK.

[Milton Jones again.]
Edited by tafkaj, Oct 26 2012, 11:24 AM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
waiting4atickle
Member Avatar

Mobson
Oct 23 2012, 07:52 AM
If you're 10%s Polish, does that make you a tad pole?

That's an amazing coincidence, Mobs: only yesterday I was contemplating reprising on here my 'tad Polish' gag of some years ago - if only for taf's benefit.

Post #16, dai - <ok> <laugh>




Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dai Cottomy
Member Avatar

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it's been though a blender first.

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

:'( Ah camel souk anyone?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

waiting4atickle
Oct 23 2012, 10:19 PM
Mobson
Oct 23 2012, 07:52 AM
If you're 10%s Polish, does that make you a tad pole?

That's an amazing coincidence, Mobs: only yesterday I was contemplating reprising on here my 'tad Polish' gag of some years ago - if only for taf's benefit ...



Why me?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dai Cottomy
Member Avatar

The Creator, if He exists, has a special preference for beetles.
~ J. B. S. Haldane, 1892-1964,

By sheer numbers alone, beetles have won the title of The Most Successful Form of Life. Beetles inhabit every corner of the globe in all kinds of weather. You could say that we're living on the planet of the beetles.

http://www.extremescience.com/biggest-bug.htm
Edited by dai Cottomy, Oct 27 2012, 01:01 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

:unsure: I think I've lost my voice, but I'm married, so I haven't had an opportunity to find out for sure yet. <irony>
Edited by Mobson, Oct 29 2012, 11:08 AM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

If God had meant us to do philosophy he would have created us.

(Marek Kohn.)
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

"I will respect this liver, after all it is not mine".


The late, George Best
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dai Cottomy
Member Avatar

Norm Deplume
Oct 30 2012, 04:32 PM
"I will respect this liver, after all it is not mine".


The late, George Best
But he didn't, did he?

"In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol… it was the worst 20 minutes of my life."
George Best
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

"But he didn't, did he?"
-------------------------

Precisely!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

continuing the theme.....

You know you drink too much when your doctor calls and asks you to destroy your donor card.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

Close, but no cigar ...
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

I married way too young - at least, I think that's how my Chinese bride's name is spelled.

[Stewart Francis, I think.]
Edited by tafkaj, Nov 9 2012, 12:27 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
waiting4atickle
Member Avatar


2B or not 2B? Now that's a leaded question.

I'll get me coat. <seeya>



Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead (mate!).
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

11am on rememberance Sunday. The two minute window of opportunity in the calender year to get through to someone at British Gas. :'(
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
waiting4atickle
Member Avatar


I'm saying nowt.


Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dai Cottomy
Member Avatar

waiting4atickle
Nov 11 2012, 01:54 PM

I'm saying nowt.


very tactful :wub:
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
waiting4atickle
Member Avatar


Why did God create economists? - In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
waiting4atickle
Member Avatar


Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had an albino baby? They proved that two Wongs can make a white.

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

<ok>


"Who are we?" "Women!" "What do we want?" "We don't know!" "When do we want it?" "Now!" <happy>
Edited by Mobson, Nov 12 2012, 12:06 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

"Who are we?" "The English!"

"What do we want?" "Erm, something a little bland!"

"When do we want it?" "Well, whenever's convienient for you, actually!"
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dai Cottomy
Member Avatar

"Who are we?" "The elderly"
"what do we want?" "Some what's it called?"
"when do we want it? " "want what?"
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

<laugh> <laugh> <applause> .... s'all good!


GP charges £20 to sign passport pix... <erm> this is no joke!
Edited by Mobson, Nov 12 2012, 05:16 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

If You Can't Live Without Me, How Come You Weren't Dead Before I Met You?

[Spoof song title by equally spoof C&W singer Tina C (aka Chris Green).]
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

I heard her sing that number on the Now Show on Friday evening - brilliantly funny is TIna C!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

My husband is leaving me because of my obsession with metaphors. Came straight out of the blue.... Took the wind right out of my sails. ..... I smell a rat! <erm>
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dai Cottomy
Member Avatar

clichés are my bête noir <wink>
Edited by dai Cottomy, Nov 22 2012, 12:54 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
waiting4atickle
Member Avatar


I'm worried my friend may be a paedophile - he has a 13 year old Escort.

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

dai Cottomy
Nov 22 2012, 12:52 PM
clichés are my bête noir <wink>
No they're not - they're what you put over your strawberries to protect them from frost.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

waiting4atickle
Nov 29 2012, 10:53 PM

I'm worried my friend may be a paedophile - he has a 13 year old Escort.

<laugh> <laugh> <laugh> <laugh>

This friend of yours - did he sing glam-rock songs in the 1970s? :D
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

<laugh> <laugh> <laugh> <laugh> ...Norm!!! You've just made me spill water all over my chest! <laugh>
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question ....... which I got wrong. The question was ‘Where do women have the curliest hair ?’

Apparently the correct answer was Fiji
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

Prince Harry is on the way to see Kate in hospital after hearing morning sickness is often treated with ginger. <cool>
Edited by Mobson, Dec 5 2012, 02:29 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly
Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 5 2012, 04:28 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
rumbaba
Member Avatar

When I was a kid my dad once told me, 'times are hard, you'll have to cut down to just one comic' - I thought 'well that's just dandy'
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said “sorry about the wait.” I said “don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.”
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
waiting4atickle
Member Avatar


A slim, attractive girl served me in Burger King. She said, "Would you like to go large?"

(Sorry, that's a bit below the belt.)

I said to my fiancee, "Let's scrap the idea of getting married and enter into a civil partnership instead". "Not ****ing likely", she yelled.

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

Ikea are opening schools around the country - first thing every morning will be self-assembly!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

It's that cold outside, the local flasher just described himself to me! <cool>
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

Stewart Francis was on BBC again last night ...

------------------------------------------------------

People say I'm a 'plagiarist' - their word, not mine ...

I've never asked a rhetorical question - how cool is that? (Y'know what I'm saying?) ...

I saw a documentary on how ships are held together; it was rivetting ...

Have I already done my déjà vu joke ... ? ...

At first, I didn't believe that my father stole from his job as a lollipop man, but all the signs were there ...

I used to be a plastic surgeon - that raised a few eybrows ...

<laugh>

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dai Cottomy
Member Avatar

Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day- to-day living that wears you out
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

Ain't that the truth!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

Tweet from Anna: Dear Shops, Maybe you wouldn't be doing quite so badly if you weren't so chockful of old toot. Best wishes, Anna
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

A man is half Irish and half Indian. When completing a form that asked for his ethnicity he answered Caucasion ("Cork-Asian"!)
Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 18 2012, 06:20 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

<ok> <laugh>
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar


Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar


I found some salad dressing at the back of my fridge with a use-by date of 21st.Dec. 2012..... I think it's Mayanaise...

Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 21 2012, 01:18 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
dai Cottomy
Member Avatar

Old age is when you start forgetting names, then you forget faces… next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Edited by dai Cottomy, Dec 21 2012, 01:56 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
rumbaba
Member Avatar

Ryan Giggs is having a four bird roast for Christmas: the names are subject to a super injunction
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
.................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher...
<XMAS1>6Y;O <XMAS1> <XMAS1>65D7U8NOI9 6U5RF7YJ8O0K gyhu7iolp; 54rfy6h9ioop


2 indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
both in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!

----------------------


Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 22 2012, 03:56 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40...... <XMAS1> <XMAS1>65D7U8NOI9 WERTGYHUJKILO;P' 5THJNM89IL 54r6y8uo9op y5edufvygku dfryu8ui9klop
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

I bought my mate a puppy for Xmas. It is mainly black and brown with just a few small white areas.

He's going to call it Leicester!!! .......................... <XMAS1>RFTGKILO 3465I9L; 45T7U9IOP0OPUTGTGYHKUJ rdftgyh90ioklopuiyt 4reftgyukilo 54r6y8uo9op
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

<laugh> u75r67r67iryiguho to all above!


A quiet man is a thinking man..... ....a quiet woman is usually pissed off. tyut8no
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
waiting4atickle
Member Avatar


The politician is an acrobat. He keeps his balance by saying the opposite of what he does.

Maurice Barres, novelist and politician (1862-1923)

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, nobody wanted them.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

Olympics 2012 look back

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.



In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their hands on.
Edited by Norm Deplume, Jan 9 2013, 02:12 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
waiting4atickle
Member Avatar


<crikey> You're sailing a bit close to the wind there, Norm. <whistles>

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
becky sharp
Member Avatar

Mobson
Jan 7 2013, 12:56 AM
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, nobody wanted them.
<laugh>
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

Tick,
At my age I can afford to live dangerously now and again........... <norm> ............. <guillotine>
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
waiting4atickle
Member Avatar

Norm Deplume
Jan 10 2013, 02:15 PM
Tick,
At my age I can afford to live dangerously now and again...

I thought you always had, Norm.


Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. Me? I use coupons to get pizza...

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

Went to the cinema yesterday to see Les Misérables. I must be fluent in French; I understood every word. <cool>
Edited by Mobson, Jan 14 2013, 04:10 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

Norm Deplume
Jan 10 2013, 02:15 PM
Tick,
At my age I can afford to live dangerously now and again........... <norm> ............. <guillotine>
Is it expensive ... ?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

If you have to ask,then you can't afford it...!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

Then there was the dyslexic Yorkshireman, who wore a cat flap on his head !
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

the <cat> and me is <laugh> Norm


Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortuntate <whistles>
Edited by Mobson, Jan 20 2013, 06:01 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
waiting4atickle
Member Avatar


I'm surprised we've had no burger jokes on here. My favourite was...

I've just checked the burgers in my fridge - and they're off.

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

Apparently things are getting tough all round......even the Mafia are cutting back....

I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow !



By the way did you know that "Hamburgers" is an anagram of "Shergar Bum ?"

Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

have you seen this? Tesco Where's My Mum?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rv5dW_lZyzc&feature=player_embedded
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
waiting4atickle
Member Avatar


I have now. Have you seen this? or this?

Apparently Tesco are giving double clubcard points on petrol and burgers. The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses. (How contrived can you get?)


Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
becky sharp
Member Avatar

You can lead a man to knowledge but you can't make him think.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar



Jonathan Ross has been accused
of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take..






Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

Woopea! No schul agen tomo b'cos of sno....I luv b'ing er teechur..... :)
Edited by Mobson, Jan 22 2013, 01:30 PM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

waiting4atickle
Jan 22 2013, 08:19 AM

I have now. Have you seen this? or this?

Apparently Tesco are giving double clubcard points on petrol and burgers. The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses. (How contrived can you get?)


<laugh>

Be as contrived as you like, so long as it's funny.

Apparently horsemeat is very low in fat but contains quite a lot of Shergar.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.................. <norm>
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

You'd think that by now - well into the twenty-first century - the medical profession would have combatted vitamin D deficiency, wouldn't you ... ?

I mean, it's not ricketts science.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar



"Jesus Loves You."

Nice to hear in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.



HeySoos!!!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
tafkaj

I suffer terribly with a mental condition that makes me eat two refreshing doughnut-like mints at a time ...

I'm bi-Polo.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Norm Deplume
Member Avatar

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Mobson
Member Avatar

Norm Deplume
Jan 30 2013, 05:49 PM
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
<wink> <bubbly>
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Fully Featured & Customizable Free Forums
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · Mornington Crescent · Next Topic »
Add Reply