| One Liners | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 3 2012, 11:32 AM (10,331 Views) | |
| dai Cottomy | Oct 3 2012, 11:32 AM Post #1 |
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Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. |
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| Mobson | Feb 19 2013, 03:23 PM Post #101 |
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The horse meat scandal means more and more people are trying Quorn and realising just how much they like the taste of horse! |
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| tafkaj | Feb 19 2013, 03:25 PM Post #102 |
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I wonder if Tesco and Iceland will be sponsoring the Grand National this year? |
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| Mobson | Feb 21 2013, 10:54 AM Post #103 |
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What's the fuss? For years we've been told that Ready Meals contain too much Salt and Shergar. #findus |
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| rumbaba | Feb 26 2013, 04:40 PM Post #104 |
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The 'paperless office' is a great concept until you need to go to the toilet |
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| Norm Deplume | Feb 27 2013, 12:37 PM Post #105 |
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Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 a month can help a disabled African learn the difference between his girlfriend and an intruder. Edited by Norm Deplume, Feb 27 2013, 12:38 PM.
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| Mobson | Feb 27 2013, 01:28 PM Post #106 |
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| waiting4atickle | Feb 27 2013, 07:34 PM Post #107 |
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Good one, Norm. ![]() |
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| Mobson | Feb 27 2013, 08:34 PM Post #108 |
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Sent it to some film & tv people who've sent it all over the place....they all love it 'cos they've taken the trouble to tell me so.....it may well be used on HIGN4Y ...anyhow it's gone global ...Good One Indeed, Norm
Edited by Mobson, Feb 27 2013, 08:35 PM.
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| waiting4atickle | Mar 1 2013, 09:41 AM Post #109 |
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Pessimists live longer than optimists, study finds - I bet I don't! (Peter Allen on Radio 5.) |
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| Norm Deplume | Mar 1 2013, 06:06 PM Post #110 |
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I discovered the final resting place of Shergar......................Iceland |
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| waiting4atickle | Mar 1 2013, 07:01 PM Post #111 |
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Did you have a Bird's Eye view? |
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| Mobson | Mar 6 2013, 12:29 PM Post #112 |
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I still remember the day our local scented candle shop burned to the ground. Everyone was so calm.....
Edited by Mobson, Mar 6 2013, 12:30 PM.
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| tafkaj | Mar 9 2013, 12:38 PM Post #113 |
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Norman! You deserve an Oscar for that one. |
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| Norm Deplume | Mar 9 2013, 06:19 PM Post #114 |
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Gratefully accepted Taf...don't make me do 'the speech' though! |
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| rumbaba | Mar 9 2013, 06:39 PM Post #115 |
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Beauty parlour falls foul of race discrimination laws for offering 'special rates for Brazilians'
Edited by rumbaba, Mar 18 2013, 10:50 AM.
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| Mobson | Mar 10 2013, 01:33 AM Post #116 |
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Totally forgot it was International Womens Day until I was in Tesco and saw special gift boxes for the Fairy liquid! |
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| waiting4atickle | Mar 10 2013, 01:11 PM Post #117 |
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Is that your new houseboy, Mobs? |
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| dai Cottomy | Mar 10 2013, 10:04 PM Post #118 |
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The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall. |
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| Norm Deplume | Mar 14 2013, 04:20 PM Post #119 |
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I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. |
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| Mobson | Mar 16 2013, 03:29 PM Post #120 |
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Just seen footage of LennyHenry describing desperate, uninhabitable living conditions. PremierInn adverts are so depressing. |
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| Norm Deplume | Mar 24 2013, 04:12 PM Post #121 |
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It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position .............. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead. |
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| tafkaj | Mar 26 2013, 02:53 PM Post #122 |
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Actually, I don't eat beef - I've recently discovered. [Nick Doody.] |
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| Norm Deplume | Mar 27 2013, 08:53 PM Post #123 |
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?” The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient". |
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| tafkaj | Apr 5 2013, 11:30 AM Post #124 |
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There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't. Duggan, Rod. Private Eye 1337, Letter. 17. Edited by tafkaj, Apr 5 2013, 11:30 AM.
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| tafkaj | Apr 6 2013, 10:27 AM Post #125 |
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I hate making wedding cakes - they always end in tiers. |
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| Norm Deplume | Apr 6 2013, 09:36 PM Post #126 |
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight:"Searching for Jesus". |
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| Norm Deplume | Apr 7 2013, 09:25 AM Post #127 |
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Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? |
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| dai Cottomy | Apr 7 2013, 09:43 AM Post #128 |
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Dyslexics of the world - untie! |
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| Mobson | Apr 7 2013, 02:25 PM Post #129 |
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to all above...My son was baptised Times New Roman. I think the vicar used the wrong font....
Edited by Mobson, Apr 7 2013, 02:25 PM.
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| Norm Deplume | Apr 7 2013, 03:53 PM Post #130 |
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My son was baptised Glug Glug...The vicar tripped and fell into the font |
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| Mobson | Apr 8 2013, 11:01 AM Post #131 |
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My son was baptised Twice; the vicar has alzheimer's |
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| Norm Deplume | Apr 8 2013, 10:30 PM Post #132 |
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Touche Mobsy xxx |
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| Mobson | Apr 9 2013, 11:19 AM Post #133 |
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Gee thanks Norm - it was all my own work!
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| Mobson | May 1 2013, 11:08 AM Post #134 |
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I'm sitting here wondering why my book '101 ways to kill a postman' still hasn't arrived...
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| Norm Deplume | May 3 2013, 11:52 AM Post #135 |
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My friend thinks he's got all the answers, he said "Onions are the onlyfruit that makes you cry" So I threw a coconut at him! |
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| Mobson | May 4 2013, 10:15 AM Post #136 |
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| Mobson | May 5 2013, 10:01 AM Post #137 |
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Mr Traffic Warden died - they dug a grave 25ft deep in which to bury him 'cos everyone knows traffic wardens are nice people deep down....
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| Mobson | May 25 2013, 11:43 AM Post #138 |
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If your religion is worth killing for...please start with yourself
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| Norm Deplume | May 31 2013, 12:13 PM Post #139 |
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The only reason I would take up walking, is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. |
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| tafkaj | Jun 4 2013, 02:21 PM Post #140 |
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My wife said to me: "I invented the echo." I said: "Listen to yourself!" (Stewart Francis) |
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| Mobson | Jun 5 2013, 11:50 AM Post #141 |
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My MP likes his women like he likes everything else....Paid for by the taxpayer. |
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| Mobson | Jun 17 2013, 11:33 PM Post #142 |
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pre-Ashes joke....They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime...which is why we have so many Australians over here....milton jones on mock the week
Edited by Mobson, Jun 17 2013, 11:35 PM.
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| Mobson | Jun 25 2013, 09:22 PM Post #143 |
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They've started a new magazine for the elderly, it's called Hello, Hello, Hello....
Edited by Mobson, Jun 25 2013, 09:24 PM.
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| Norm Deplume | Jun 26 2013, 09:46 AM Post #144 |
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A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.Suddenly, Lorraine died. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone." |
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| Norm Deplume | Jun 26 2013, 05:48 PM Post #145 |
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Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. |
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| rumbaba | Jun 26 2013, 06:09 PM Post #146 |
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Purls before swine, Norm |
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| Norm Deplume | Jun 27 2013, 02:54 PM Post #147 |
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Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service though |
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| becky sharp | Jul 1 2013, 07:35 PM Post #148 |
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I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. |
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| tafkaj | Jul 2 2013, 02:05 PM Post #149 |
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See post #17.
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| rumbaba | Jul 4 2013, 03:23 PM Post #150 |
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I wouldn't describe myself as gregarious but I like a sausage roll |
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| becky sharp | Jul 11 2013, 09:49 PM Post #151 |
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Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you. |
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| Mobson | Jul 24 2013, 02:48 AM Post #152 |
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Kate and Will have a baby boy, great for many reasons, but it mostly means that Kate doesn't get beheaded
Edited by Mobson, Jul 24 2013, 02:48 AM.
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| Norm Deplume | Jul 29 2013, 10:05 AM Post #153 |
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He boasted to the girl that he was a working Liver and Kidney Specialist, turned out he was employed at the local Coop Butchers. |
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| becky sharp | Aug 14 2013, 12:53 PM Post #154 |
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We have nothing to fear except fear itself and toddlers asking “Why?”. |
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| rumbaba | Aug 14 2013, 03:28 PM Post #155 |
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I went for a colonoscopy and there were some complications, requiring emergency surgery. When I came round the doctor said 'I'm afraid we've punctuated your bowel'. I said 'don't you mean 'punctured' ? He replied, 'well we've left you with a semi-colon'. |
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| Norm Deplume | Aug 15 2013, 03:47 PM Post #156 |
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So you're responsible for the kind of crap Channel 4 produces. Prince Philip to the Chairman of Channel 4 Edited by Norm Deplume, Aug 15 2013, 03:47 PM.
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| dai Cottomy | Aug 15 2013, 07:50 PM Post #157 |
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another one from Prince Phil..... A VIP at a local airport asked HRH: “What was your flight, like, Your Royal Highness? Philip: “Have you ever flown in a plane?” VIP: “Oh yes, sir, many times.” “Well,” said Philip, “it was just like that.” |
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| Mobson | Aug 16 2013, 02:52 PM Post #158 |
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And another.... After accepting a conservation award in Thailand in 1991: “Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species.” |
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| Norm Deplume | Aug 16 2013, 07:07 PM Post #159 |
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Yet more----------------- That's alright, but you still haven't found out what makes the bath water gurgle when you pull the plug out. Prince Philip to scientist while on a laboratory tour |
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| Norm Deplume | Aug 17 2013, 02:57 PM Post #160 |
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'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' |
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| dai Cottomy | Aug 17 2013, 03:17 PM Post #161 |
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You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could be doing while you're down there. |
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| Mobson | Aug 17 2013, 03:23 PM Post #162 |
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.....or wonder what you're actually doing down there in the first place! |
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| dai Cottomy | Aug 18 2013, 01:44 PM Post #163 |
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where?
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| Mobson | Aug 29 2013, 11:32 AM Post #164 |
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Who?
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| dai Cottomy | Aug 30 2013, 03:29 PM Post #165 |
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I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow" |
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| Norm Deplume | Aug 31 2013, 12:34 PM Post #166 |
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing |
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| tafkaj | Aug 31 2013, 12:39 PM Post #167 |
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Toad in the Hole, a great title for an anthology of amusing kickboxing anecdotes. |
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| Norm Deplume | Aug 31 2013, 02:44 PM Post #168 |
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The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats |
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| dai Cottomy | Sep 6 2013, 10:34 AM Post #169 |
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With sufficient thrust, pigs fly quite well. |
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| Mobson | Sep 22 2013, 01:18 PM Post #170 |
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I don't clean behind my fridge - I'm a slut!
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| dai Cottomy | Sep 24 2013, 01:33 PM Post #171 |
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Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. |
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| tafkaj | Sep 24 2013, 02:49 PM Post #172 |
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There you go again, stating the bleedin' obvious ... I know - I'm banned in 'another place'!
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| Mobson | Sep 28 2013, 08:53 AM Post #173 |
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moving on....I've been working on a Scandinavian joke, but it isn't quite finish. Apparently burial spaces in England 'could run out in 20 years'.... doesn't affect me, I'll probably be dead by then
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| tafkaj | Sep 28 2013, 11:59 AM Post #174 |
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Apparently President Obama hates Italian football so much he's thinking about bombing Serie A. |
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| dai Cottomy | Sep 28 2013, 03:36 PM Post #175 |
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I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen |
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| Mobson | Sep 29 2013, 04:09 PM Post #176 |
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9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th husband hasn't been seen since the survey was conducted
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| tafkaj | Oct 5 2013, 11:41 AM Post #177 |
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I've lost my boomerang and I can't remember where I last saw it ... Oh, wait a minute - it's coming back to me now ... [With thanks to Milton Jones.] |
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| Mobson | Oct 8 2013, 10:17 AM Post #178 |
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Do you know the difference between David Cameron and a ....a doesn't pretend to care about you.
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| Norm Deplume | Oct 18 2013, 02:09 PM Post #179 |
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Golf commentator's quote: "I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife." |
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| tafkaj | Oct 29 2013, 03:20 PM Post #180 |
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Surely he meant Ronnie Wood. |
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| Mobson | Oct 29 2013, 05:57 PM Post #181 |
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There's a lot of men that could have referred to....
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| Norm Deplume | Oct 29 2013, 10:11 PM Post #182 |
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.[/quote]Surely he meant Ronnie Wood. You don't mean TIGER Woods do you taf? I don't think Ronnie is or was one of the world's top golfers...perhaps you know otherwise Edited by Norm Deplume, Oct 29 2013, 10:12 PM.
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| tafkaj | Nov 2 2013, 02:11 PM Post #183 |
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No, but the commentator wasn't necessarily just talking about golfers, at least not from your submission ... Lighten up, dude! I'm 98, you know ...
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| Norm Deplume | Nov 2 2013, 04:17 PM Post #184 |
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I worry about you sometimes Taf! |
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| Norm Deplume | Nov 2 2013, 04:54 PM Post #185 |
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Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you." Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you." |
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| Mobson | Nov 11 2013, 10:54 AM Post #186 |
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The postman knocked on my door and asked me to sign something for him today, personally I think he should learn to lip read. |
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| dai Cottomy | Nov 13 2013, 12:00 PM Post #187 |
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in chocolate sauce,police think that he topped himself. |
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| Mobson | Nov 14 2013, 12:48 PM Post #188 |
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Just bought the extended version of The Hobbit - he's 7ft 2 now... |
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| chocster | Nov 18 2013, 10:54 PM Post #189 |
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have you heard about The paper shop? it Blew away half a dozen eggs? too bad blunt pencil? No point to it Binoculars by Seymour Witham (I have carried that book title since 12, when Jackpot magazine used to have a section on funny book titles. I do remember a great cartoon of a sailor in shock exclaiming "Mine! Mine! Mine!!" whilst pointing and the captain, says keep it (or summat like that) whilst in reality the sailor is pointing to a mine (the explosive kind) I suppose you ahd to be there lol http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackpot_(Fleetway_comics) Edited by chocster, Nov 18 2013, 10:54 PM.
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| Norm Deplume | Nov 21 2013, 10:41 AM Post #190 |
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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses |
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| Mobson | Nov 21 2013, 10:50 AM Post #191 |
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...and your mobile phone without your mobile phone
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| Norm Deplume | Nov 21 2013, 06:57 PM Post #192 |
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I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one. |
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| Mobson | Nov 22 2013, 12:26 PM Post #193 |
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| Norm Deplume | Nov 23 2013, 08:25 PM Post #194 |
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The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere. |
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| Mobson | Nov 27 2013, 09:04 AM Post #195 |
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I once thought I had a Japanese friend....but it was just my imagine Asian |
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| tafkaj | Nov 30 2013, 01:10 PM Post #196 |
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I, too, was told I must always repsect my elders - which is why I've only ever bothered to grow rowan and beech. |
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| tafkaj | Nov 30 2013, 01:12 PM Post #197 |
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I got that, too - I went to the Extras section to look at the Deleted Scenes, but there was nothing there. |
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| Mobson | Dec 2 2013, 05:55 PM Post #198 |
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My local's changed the way they try to empty my pub at closing time now. They don't ring a bell any more, they play a tape recording of an approaching helicopter. Yes I know ...much too soon
Edited by Mobson, Dec 2 2013, 05:56 PM.
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| tafkaj | Dec 13 2013, 12:42 PM Post #199 |
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I'm setting up a research unit to look into the effects of vitamin D deficiency. I mean, it can't be ricketts science, can it? |
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| Mobson | Dec 14 2013, 06:29 AM Post #200 |
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Las Vegas and Essex.......the only two places on earth where you can pay for sex with chips! |
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....a
There's a lot of men that could have referred to....

7:03 AM Jul 13