| One Liners | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 3 2012, 11:32 AM (10,330 Views) | |
| dai Cottomy | Oct 3 2012, 11:32 AM Post #1 |
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Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. |
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| tafkaj | Dec 14 2013, 12:52 PM Post #201 |
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I used to know a former Franciscan friar who married a former casino cashier - their first child was a chip-monk.
Edited by tafkaj, Dec 14 2013, 12:52 PM.
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| Mobson | Dec 14 2013, 03:20 PM Post #202 |
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I finally found the true meaning of xmas today. It's for people who can't spell Christmas. ...
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| tafkaj | Dec 17 2013, 02:57 PM Post #203 |
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Merry Xmas - an anagram of "X My Arrse." [X = Kiss] |
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| Mobson | Dec 26 2013, 01:19 AM Post #204 |
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Well what are you waiting for?
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| tafkaj | Dec 30 2013, 12:42 PM Post #205 |
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... ... ... |
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| Mobson | Dec 30 2013, 12:55 PM Post #206 |
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... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
Only hope May-Cee doesn't look in here, she'd git hepped up alright
Edited by Mobson, Dec 30 2013, 12:55 PM.
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| dai Cottomy | Dec 30 2013, 01:56 PM Post #207 |
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The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. |
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| Mobson | Jan 2 2014, 12:40 AM Post #208 |
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Apropos New Year's Honours... If you're an Earl and you get an Obe, do you become an Earlobe.... |
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| Norm Deplume | Jan 2 2014, 06:12 PM Post #209 |
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One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. |
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| Mobson | Jan 3 2014, 11:44 AM Post #210 |
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Ha Ha! you've found that out too have you Norm? ..... In the meantime, I'm going to have to return this invisibility cloak that I got for Christmas, I just can't see myself wearing it.
Edited by Mobson, Jan 3 2014, 11:45 AM.
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| tafkaj | Jan 4 2014, 01:18 PM Post #211 |
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Ain't that the truth! At the beginning of the New Year I felt that everything was coming my way. Only then did I realise I was in the wrong lane. |
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| Norm Deplume | Jan 21 2014, 10:46 AM Post #212 |
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It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about. |
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| Norm Deplume | Jan 23 2014, 04:41 PM Post #213 |
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You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. |
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| Mobson | Mar 12 2014, 10:51 AM Post #214 |
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In Tribute to the passing of Bob Crow, I'll walk to work tomorrow. It's what he always wanted.
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| Norm Deplume | Mar 29 2014, 04:24 PM Post #215 |
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" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. " " It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles, that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. " Edited by Norm Deplume, Mar 29 2014, 04:26 PM.
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| Mobson | Apr 2 2014, 11:10 AM Post #216 |
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Thought for Easter: When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought - "I bet this will look good on a necklace one day."
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| tafkaj | Apr 5 2014, 12:03 PM Post #217 |
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Thought for Easter: When Jesus was being crucified to free humanity from its sins, I wonder if a crowd gathered to sing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" ... ? |
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| Mobson | Apr 5 2014, 05:20 PM Post #218 |
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Thought for Easter: when Jesus was being crucified I wonder if he thought - what a lovely treat miniature chocolate cream filled eggs to resemble a chicken egg would be...
Edited by Mobson, Apr 8 2014, 10:32 AM.
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| Norm Deplume | Apr 19 2014, 05:10 PM Post #219 |
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OOOOOPS
Edited by Norm Deplume, Apr 19 2014, 05:11 PM.
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| Mobson | Apr 27 2014, 08:18 AM Post #220 |
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In a private moment today, David Moyes drank some tea. Then closed his eyes, smiled and with both hands lifted the empty cup above his head. |
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| dai Cottomy | Apr 28 2014, 10:02 AM Post #221 |
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Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard. |
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| Mobson | Apr 28 2014, 01:11 PM Post #222 |
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Can't believe it's Stalker Awareness Day today... That crept up on me! |
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| Norm Deplume | May 5 2014, 03:33 PM Post #223 |
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My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. HEADLINE: Dyslexic man walks into a bra Edited by Norm Deplume, May 5 2014, 04:19 PM.
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| tafkaj | May 6 2014, 01:28 PM Post #224 |
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I'm not racist, but I can't stand all those Scottish sewage workers, coming down here, taking our jobbies ... |
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| Norm Deplume | May 7 2014, 01:03 PM Post #225 |
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To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can’t run |
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| Mobson | May 9 2014, 06:39 AM Post #226 |
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I'm posing naked for an art class tonight. Nobody asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls. |
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| tafkaj | May 10 2014, 12:54 PM Post #227 |
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I went to my ceramics class last night - I ended up making two mixing bowls and a large napkin ring. |
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| dai Cottomy | May 10 2014, 01:13 PM Post #228 |
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Kleptomaniacs have no sense of humour because they always take everything literally |
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| Mobson | May 11 2014, 10:06 AM Post #229 |
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BBC News - Women set to be allowed to serve combat roles on the front line . I think you will find it's spelt " Rolls ". |
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| dai Cottomy | May 12 2014, 09:42 PM Post #230 |
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With sufficient thrust, pigs can fly quite well
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| Mobson | May 13 2014, 11:38 AM Post #231 |
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People are saying that Jeremy Clarkson is 'untouchable' at the BBC. Of course he is. He's the wrong sex and about 40 years too old. |
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| tafkaj | May 13 2014, 02:01 PM Post #232 |
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Loved that!
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| tafkaj | May 13 2014, 02:02 PM Post #233 |
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Ditto that!
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| waiting4atickle | May 13 2014, 11:19 PM Post #234 |
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From Billy Connolly's Big Send Off... I met my wife at a travel agent's: she was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort. |
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| Mobson | May 14 2014, 10:47 AM Post #235 |
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Leave Gary Barlow alone! Whatever he said, whatever he did, he didn't mean it.
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| dai Cottomy | May 14 2014, 10:52 AM Post #236 |
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The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect. |
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| Norm Deplume | May 21 2014, 08:21 PM Post #237 |
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If we are not supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? |
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| Mobson | May 21 2014, 08:49 PM Post #238 |
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I also posted these in football today... Ryan Giggs has been told that Man U 'going dutch' doesn't mean he can sleep with Louis Van Gaal's wife. UKIP should hire David Moyes as leader. Look how fast he got Man Utd out of Europe. Edited by Mobson, May 21 2014, 08:50 PM.
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| Norm Deplume | May 22 2014, 09:58 AM Post #239 |
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20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. |
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| Mobson | May 26 2014, 09:15 AM Post #240 |
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People used to laugh at me for being too naive. They'll wish they hadn't when they find out I've won the Nigerian lottery twice in one week.
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| dai Cottomy | May 30 2014, 01:26 PM Post #241 |
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I have reached the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses. |
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| Mobson | Jun 1 2014, 07:45 AM Post #242 |
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Old McDonald had a farm. EU, EU... oh....Old McDonald no longer has a farm.
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| waiting4atickle | Jun 5 2014, 04:11 PM Post #243 |
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I've finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: on the left side there's nothing right, and on the right side there's nothing left. |
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| dai Cottomy | Jun 5 2014, 09:16 PM Post #244 |
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I went down the local supermarket, I said: "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it"; he said: "Those are pickled onions". |
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| Norm Deplume | Jun 28 2014, 03:04 PM Post #245 |
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When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau. |
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| Mobson | Jun 29 2014, 09:35 AM Post #246 |
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....What would the UK be called without Scotland? How about Greater Britain? |
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| Norm Deplume | Jun 29 2014, 03:45 PM Post #247 |
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If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of spiced pork and ham, then delete it. It's Spam. |
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| Mobson | Jul 6 2014, 04:21 AM Post #248 |
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20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. |
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| Mobson | Jul 15 2014, 05:18 PM Post #249 |
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I have kissed more anorexics than they have had hot dinners! |
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| Norm Deplume | Jul 23 2014, 03:43 PM Post #250 |
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After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction. ._,_.___ |
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| Mobson | Jul 26 2014, 09:33 AM Post #251 |
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I think Scotland's performance at the Commonwealth Games should determine whether they gain Scottish independence or not...
Edited by Mobson, Jul 26 2014, 09:48 AM.
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| tafkaj | Jul 26 2014, 12:04 PM Post #252 |
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My wife said she'd just been reading in the newpaper about a form of online abuse some women are being subjected to. She said that no woman should have to put up with email genital mutilation. |
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| dai Cottomy | Aug 3 2014, 08:37 PM Post #253 |
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‘I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house’ - Zsa Zsa Gabor |
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| Norm Deplume | Aug 4 2014, 04:34 PM Post #254 |
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My Dad worked on the council's roadwork department for twenty years before he got fired for stealing. At first I didn't believe it, but when I got home all the signs were there. |
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| Mobson | Aug 7 2014, 07:24 AM Post #255 |
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I'm preparing herb breads today. I've done my Thyme Dough and my Sage Dough, but it's my Dill Dough that gives me the most enormous pleasure...
Edited by Mobson, Aug 7 2014, 08:42 AM.
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| Norm Deplume | Aug 7 2014, 09:48 AM Post #256 |
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MOBSY!!! I'm shocked! Edited by Norm Deplume, Aug 7 2014, 09:48 AM.
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| Mobson | Aug 7 2014, 10:41 AM Post #257 |
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WHAT! ...you don't like herb bread Norm?
Edited by Mobson, Aug 7 2014, 10:41 AM.
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| Norm Deplume | Aug 7 2014, 10:51 AM Post #258 |
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With so many healthy, nubile bakers around why do you have to enjoy your own Dill Dough? |
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| Mobson | Aug 7 2014, 11:25 AM Post #259 |
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Because I've just been given a bread maker Norm and I want to have a go and see what results I get going solo!
Edited by Mobson, Aug 7 2014, 06:12 PM.
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| Norm Deplume | Aug 7 2014, 03:56 PM Post #260 |
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You win! |
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| Norm Deplume | Aug 7 2014, 04:11 PM Post #261 |
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Never trust anyone with short legs. Their brain is too near their arse Noel Coward |
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| waiting4atickle | Aug 7 2014, 04:36 PM Post #262 |
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I've heard of thinking on your feet, but not thinking with your feet. |
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| Mobson | Aug 7 2014, 06:12 PM Post #263 |
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No losers here Norm...tho' shame that you will not be able to sample my herb breads!
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| waiting4atickle | Aug 7 2014, 06:42 PM Post #264 |
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It's your dumplings he's after. |
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| Mobson | Aug 8 2014, 03:08 AM Post #265 |
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Not the season for dumplings...
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| Norm Deplume | Aug 13 2014, 11:44 AM Post #266 |
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Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any |
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| waiting4atickle | Aug 20 2014, 11:13 AM Post #267 |
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It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do. |
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| dai Cottomy | Aug 20 2014, 04:24 PM Post #268 |
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Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. |
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| Mobson | Aug 22 2014, 12:09 PM Post #269 |
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If you're going to diagnose yourself with OCD, how many times do you have to do that to be sure?
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| waiting4atickle | Aug 22 2014, 05:06 PM Post #270 |
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I hate Russian dolls...so full of themselves. |
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| Mobson | Aug 31 2014, 12:47 PM Post #271 |
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I went to a restaurant today that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance... |
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| dai Cottomy | Sep 3 2014, 07:55 PM Post #272 |
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My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless there were three other people. |
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| Mobson | Sep 5 2014, 02:48 AM Post #273 |
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“The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.” Joan Rivers on her daughter Melissa ...RIP |
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| dai Cottomy | Sep 9 2014, 05:11 PM Post #274 |
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"My new girlfriend is a punk rocker. She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right." Charles 'Chic' Murray |
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| Mobson | Sep 16 2014, 11:57 AM Post #275 |
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There was a further setback for the Scottish Independence campaign today. The Loch Ness monster has stated he's relocating to the Lake District in the event of a Yes vote.... |
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| dai Cottomy | Sep 18 2014, 06:38 PM Post #276 |
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An elderly Scotsman goes into a Chemists shop. He says to the assistant - I have a headache, have you any aspirin. Certainly sir, she replies. Would you like 50 or 100. No, the Scotsman says, just the one. I've only got the one headache. |
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| Mobson | Sep 18 2014, 08:40 PM Post #277 |
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What's a schet? ....something that Sean Connery doesn't give about the Scottish referendum from his house in the Bahamas.
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| Mobson | Oct 14 2014, 07:28 AM Post #278 |
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You know it's a genuine global health crisis when white people start dying.
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| dai Cottomy | Nov 25 2014, 01:31 PM Post #279 |
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When I read that drinking was bad for you, I gave up reading |
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| Mobson | Nov 26 2014, 07:40 AM Post #280 |
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It's been 5 years to the day since I quit drinking...and 4 years, 364 1/2 days since I started again. |
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| dai Cottomy | Nov 26 2014, 12:11 PM Post #281 |
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On hearing that her friend had given birth - "Good work, Mary - we all knew you had it in you" Dorothy Parker |
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| Mobson | Nov 27 2014, 02:31 AM Post #282 |
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Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom. Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884 – 1980) not particularly funny...but true
Edited by Mobson, Nov 27 2014, 02:32 AM.
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| dai Cottomy | Nov 30 2014, 01:56 PM Post #283 |
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for. W.C.Fields |
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| Mobson | Dec 3 2014, 10:27 AM Post #284 |
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The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on...
Edited by Mobson, Dec 3 2014, 10:27 AM.
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| Mobson | Dec 13 2014, 10:31 PM Post #285 |
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Coco Chanel tastes bloody horrible, I'm sticking to Horlicks
Edited by Mobson, Dec 13 2014, 10:32 PM.
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| dai Cottomy | Dec 19 2014, 11:34 AM Post #286 |
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The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites.’ |
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| Mobson | Dec 20 2014, 07:50 PM Post #287 |
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I'm still watching the Never Ending Story
Edited by Mobson, Dec 20 2014, 07:51 PM.
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| dai Cottomy | Mar 29 2015, 11:22 AM Post #288 |
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When I get really bored, I like to drive into town, find a good parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Should I get out more? |
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| Mobson | Mar 31 2015, 10:00 AM Post #289 |
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is that rhetoricalJust because I don't care doesn't mean I do... Edited by Mobson, Mar 31 2015, 10:00 AM.
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| dai Cottomy | Apr 21 2015, 02:26 PM Post #290 |
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If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person - they will find an easier way to do it. |
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| Mobson | May 27 2015, 10:19 AM Post #291 |
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I can be handy at times: Next door neighbour was finding it hard to ride his bike. I step in, tighten his nuts and he went off like a rocket
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| dai Cottomy | May 29 2015, 02:07 PM Post #292 |
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If you think things can't get any worse it's a failure of the imagination. |
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| Mobson | Jun 8 2015, 11:11 AM Post #293 |
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. |
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| waiting4atickle | Jun 15 2015, 10:56 PM Post #294 |
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How do you make Holy Water? - Boil the Hell out of it! |
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| dai Cottomy | Jun 25 2015, 01:05 PM Post #295 |
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I'm a kinda vegetarian - I only eat animals that are. Groucho Marx |
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| dai Cottomy | Jul 7 2015, 01:09 PM Post #296 |
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"I tell you,men, they could not hit a bull at this dis......" Last words of General John Sedgewick at the Battle of Fredericksburg during the American Civil War. Edited by dai Cottomy, Jul 7 2015, 04:28 PM.
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| dai Cottomy | Jul 23 2015, 03:24 PM Post #297 |
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"Yes, I was in this pub when I proposed. It was very romantic – I got up on one knee." |
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| Mobson | Jul 29 2015, 11:34 AM Post #298 |
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What are the three main aisles in a Bolivian Waitrose...Petrol, Money and Drugs! |
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| dai Cottomy | Jul 30 2015, 12:20 PM Post #299 |
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No one is so old as to think he cannot live one more year. - Cicero (106 BC – 43 BC)
Edited by dai Cottomy, Jul 30 2015, 12:21 PM.
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| Mobson | Aug 18 2015, 06:08 AM Post #300 |
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If you want to know what God thinks of money...just look at the people he gave it to...Dorothy Parker |
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Only hope May-Cee doesn't look in here, she'd git hepped up alright
In Tribute to the passing of Bob Crow, I'll walk to work tomorrow. It's what he always wanted.

Not the season for dumplings...
You know it's a genuine global health crisis when white people start dying.

7:03 AM Jul 13