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Topic Started: Oct 3 2012, 11:32 AM (10,329 Views)
dai Cottomy
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Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
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Mobson
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I'm looking for a dominant woman, tell me to call you ....
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dai Cottomy
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Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed
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dai Cottomy
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I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.
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waiting4atickle
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I went to the Iowa State Fair and all I came back with was Type 2 Diabetes.

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dai Cottomy
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waiting4atickle
Aug 31 2015, 11:26 PM

I went to the Iowa State Fair and all I came back with was Type 2 Diabetes.

That's no joke, Tick ...is it?
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waiting4atickle
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They sell a lot of sugary and deep fried food (including deep fried candy bars) at Iowa State Fair. There was at least one shop in Des Moines selling tee shirts with a legend along the lines of
I went to the Iowa State Fair and all I got was Type 2 Diabetes.

Edited by waiting4atickle, Sep 2 2015, 01:17 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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I don't find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.
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waiting4atickle
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<laugh>

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Mobson
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<laugh> <applause>
Edited by Mobson, Sep 3 2015, 05:11 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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Some days you're the dog, some days you're the lamp post.

I wanted to become a wit; I'm half way there.

I believe there is something out there watching over us… unfortunately, it's GCHQ.
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Mobson
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A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
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dai Cottomy
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'What would life be without coffee? But then, what is it even with coffee?'

Louis XV
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Mobson
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I love to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers. <ninja>
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dai Cottomy
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“I do wish we could chat longer, but I’m having an old friend for dinner”

Hannibal Lecter, The Silence of the Lambs, (1991),
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dai Cottomy
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You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

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rumbaba
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A 24 carrot Christmas to one and all! I hope that's not considered homophonic :)
Edited by rumbaba, Dec 15 2015, 01:38 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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took me a couple of minutes Rum, but got there eventually


Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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rumbaba
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Nice one <ok>
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waiting4atickle
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Who'd have thought that Ronnie O'Sullivan was a special constable? I only found out when there was a fracas at the snooker hall and he threatened me with arrest.

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Mobson
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<magic> Well done Ronnie O' - Won his sixth Masters last night to hold the record jointly with Stephen Hendry!


Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people: they hate bigotry
Edited by Mobson, Jan 18 2016, 03:42 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
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Mobson
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Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
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dai Cottomy
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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
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waiting4atickle
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He was a man of many talents, but never had two shekels to rub together.

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Mobson
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I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. exercise time... <worthy> <fweeee> <angrytennisplayer>
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dai Cottomy
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Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
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Mobson
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?
He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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dai Cottomy
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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only slightly off-colour.
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May-Cee

What's an occasional table the rest of the time?
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dai Cottomy
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
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waiting4atickle
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When we first got a universal remote control unit I thought, "This changes everything."

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Mobson
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<wink>

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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dai Cottomy
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It’s good to be here… but at my age, it’s good to be anywhere.
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May-Cee

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

(Bill Hicks)
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dai Cottomy
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This snap election really doesn't give Vladimir Putin very long to get organised. It really is rather unfair.

Twitter comment
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May-Cee

Popping in with two quick pop ones


HER: You care more about 80s pop music than you do about me, so you do.
HIM: Come on Eileen!


PUNTER: Have you got that Stan Ridgway single, "Camouflage"?
ASSITANT: I know it's around here somewhere...
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dai Cottomy
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Don't just do something; sit there.


Buddha
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dai Cottomy
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“Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.”

H.L.Mencken
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May-Cee

When all else fails, read the instructions.
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Mobson
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When all else fails, switch it off and on again!
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dai Cottomy
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Multitasking means making a cock-up of several things at once.
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rumbaba
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I don't approve of LGBT.

Salad on a bacon sandwich is just wrong, even if it is granary.
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Mobson
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I'm rubbish with names...it's a condition...there's a name for it!
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dai Cottomy
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A lot of older people wonder if there will be life after death. There is, of course – it just won’t involve them.
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Douglas
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Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.
R. D. Laing
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dai Cottomy
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Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
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dai Cottomy
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The fundamental cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.

Bertrand Russell
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Douglas
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Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

Passed on to me without attribution.
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dai Cottomy
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None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free


Johannes Goethe
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Mobson
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They say you are what you eat but I do not remember eating a goddess. <angel>
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Douglas
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We have been assured that the Cabinet is behind Mrs May, but how many of them are carrying knives ?

My 'Letter to the Editor' in The Daily Telegraph today.
Edited by Douglas, Oct 11 2017, 03:36 PM.
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Mobson
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Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.
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Douglas
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Hard work's not easy and easy work's hard to find.
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Mobson
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One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… 'Ah well, you only live once.'
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dai Cottomy
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“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”

Tim Vine
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waiting4atickle
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I like your opera. I think I will set it to music.

Beethoven

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Douglas
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"His father was somebody; but who he was, no-one knew"

Snozzle Durante
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dai Cottomy
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I don't approve of political jokes...too many of them get elected.
Edited by dai Cottomy, Nov 1 2017, 01:41 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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"Without something to hate, life would turn to a stagnant pool"

William Hazlitt
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waiting4atickle
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"He's a good Foreign Secretary"

David Davies (on Boris) - well, it made me laugh. <laugh>

Edited by waiting4atickle, Nov 14 2017, 06:11 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
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Douglas
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On seeing a very obese woman and her husband the other day, I found myself misquoting the Beatles.

Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixteen stone ?
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Mobson
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Douglas
Nov 17 2017, 02:36 PM
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixteen stone ?
If its true love Douglas...the answer is a BIG FAT "YES" ... ... <laugh> Ha ha!
Edited by Mobson, Nov 28 2017, 12:47 PM.
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waiting4atickle
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I think I'm much more humble than you would understand.

Donald Trump

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Mobson
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"I mean, part of the beauty of me is that I'm very rich"

Donald Trump
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dai Cottomy
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A headmaster received a form asking him to list his staff broken down by age and sex.


"All of them," he replied.
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May-Cee

Similar theme...

AUDITOR: How many people work in this company?

BOSS: About half.
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dai Cottomy
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"Adolescent love feels like exquisite self-indulgence. Long-term love feels like a warm bath that needs
a trickle of extra hot water every now and then."

Griff Rhys Jones
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waiting4atickle
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If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman about to hear him... is he still wrong?

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dai Cottomy
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My Dad used to say: "Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood."
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Mobson
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I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
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dai Cottomy
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I've just turned vegan. It was a big missed steak.
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Mobson
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The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
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dai Cottomy
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Just because you aren't paranoid doesn.t mean they aren't out to get you.
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dai Cottomy
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The phone rang this morning. A voice said " Hi - Twitter's down. Could you just tell me what you had for breakfast?"
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dai Cottomy
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waiting4atickle
Nov 28 2017, 03:47 PM
I think I'm much more humble than you would understand.

Donald Trump

Yes I quite understand.....

NURSE!
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Mobson
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Where do zombies like to go swimming? The Dead Sea.
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dai Cottomy
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What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause and the end of a clause.
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Douglas
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"Why are politicians like babies' nappies ? Because they should be changed often, and for the same reason."
The late Sir Ken Dodd as quoted in a letter to today's Daily Telegraph.
Edited by Douglas, Mar 13 2018, 08:49 PM.
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Douglas
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Phil Hammond thinks he now sees light at the end of the tunnel.
It might be a train coming the other way.
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dai Cottomy
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I like life… it's something to do.
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dai Cottomy
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Life would be tragic if it wasn't funny.

Stephen Hawking
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Douglas
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When a Scotsman was asked "Is there anything worn under the kilt?", he replied "No,madam. I can assure you it is all in perfect working order."
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Douglas
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"My Church accepts all denominations, fivers, tenners, twenties." Dave Allen
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Mobson
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Hobnobs are like the marines. You dip a Hobnob and they go, 'Again, again!
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Douglas
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I met a man who thought he was allergic to leather. Every morning he woke with his boots still on he had a blinding headache.
Edited by Douglas, Apr 1 2018, 10:29 AM.
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Mobson
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Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer! 💷💷💷💷💷💷💷💷💷
Edited by Mobson, Apr 3 2018, 11:52 AM.
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May-Cee

In recent years the world of drugs has been tainted by its association with sport.

(I heard that on a trailer for R4 comedy. It's the Welsh guy Rhod, whose surname I forget.)
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dai Cottomy
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<laugh> May-Cee

That is along the paradoxical lines of "work is the curse of the drinking classes" - Oscar Wilde.

(your chappie is called Rhod Gilbert)
Edited by dai Cottomy, Apr 19 2018, 06:50 PM.
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May-Cee

Yep, that's the fella!

As a Dubliner, your quote reminds me of the Brendan Behan one:
"I'm a drinker with a writing problem."
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Douglas
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I saw this today on the back of an SUV

I'M NOT DRUNK
I'm avoiding potholes
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Mobson
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<laugh>


A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
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dai Cottomy
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“I saw a documentary on how ships are put together. It was riveting!."

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Mobson
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On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight?
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Douglas
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She was only the greenkeeper's daughter but she was a dandelion on the grass
Edited by Douglas, May 1 2018, 05:49 PM.
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Mobson
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Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog." <puppydog> <doh>
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Douglas
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She was only the colonel's daughter but she knew what Reggie meant.
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Mobson
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As it's Local Election day... <erm>


I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.


Edited by Mobson, May 3 2018, 12:19 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
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Mobson
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Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days...
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