| One Liners | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Oct 3 2012, 11:32 AM (10,329 Views) | |
| dai Cottomy | Oct 3 2012, 11:32 AM Post #1 |
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Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. |
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| Mobson | Aug 24 2015, 12:55 AM Post #301 |
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I'm looking for a dominant woman, tell me to call you .... |
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| dai Cottomy | Aug 29 2015, 01:04 PM Post #302 |
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Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed |
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| dai Cottomy | Aug 31 2015, 03:24 PM Post #303 |
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I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust. |
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| waiting4atickle | Aug 31 2015, 11:26 PM Post #304 |
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I went to the Iowa State Fair and all I came back with was Type 2 Diabetes. |
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| dai Cottomy | Sep 2 2015, 11:59 AM Post #305 |
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That's no joke, Tick ...is it? |
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| waiting4atickle | Sep 2 2015, 01:16 PM Post #306 |
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They sell a lot of sugary and deep fried food (including deep fried candy bars) at Iowa State Fair. There was at least one shop in Des Moines selling tee shirts with a legend along the lines of I went to the Iowa State Fair and all I got was Type 2 Diabetes. Edited by waiting4atickle, Sep 2 2015, 01:17 PM.
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| dai Cottomy | Sep 3 2015, 10:23 AM Post #307 |
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I don't find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency. |
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| waiting4atickle | Sep 3 2015, 10:43 AM Post #308 |
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| Mobson | Sep 3 2015, 05:10 PM Post #309 |
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Edited by Mobson, Sep 3 2015, 05:11 PM.
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| dai Cottomy | Oct 10 2015, 11:29 AM Post #310 |
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Some days you're the dog, some days you're the lamp post. I wanted to become a wit; I'm half way there. I believe there is something out there watching over us… unfortunately, it's GCHQ. |
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| Mobson | Nov 18 2015, 10:24 AM Post #311 |
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A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. |
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| dai Cottomy | Nov 19 2015, 10:04 PM Post #312 |
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'What would life be without coffee? But then, what is it even with coffee?' Louis XV |
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| Mobson | Nov 29 2015, 09:57 AM Post #313 |
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I love to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.
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| dai Cottomy | Nov 29 2015, 10:28 AM Post #314 |
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“I do wish we could chat longer, but I’m having an old friend for dinner” Hannibal Lecter, The Silence of the Lambs, (1991), |
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| dai Cottomy | Dec 4 2015, 01:13 PM Post #315 |
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You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon. |
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| rumbaba | Dec 15 2015, 01:36 PM Post #316 |
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A 24 carrot Christmas to one and all! I hope that's not considered homophonic
Edited by rumbaba, Dec 15 2015, 01:38 PM.
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| dai Cottomy | Dec 16 2015, 09:30 AM Post #317 |
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took me a couple of minutes Rum, but got there eventually Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. |
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| rumbaba | Dec 16 2015, 11:00 AM Post #318 |
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Nice one
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| waiting4atickle | Dec 22 2015, 01:21 AM Post #319 |
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Who'd have thought that Ronnie O'Sullivan was a special constable? I only found out when there was a fracas at the snooker hall and he threatened me with arrest. |
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| Mobson | Jan 18 2016, 03:41 PM Post #320 |
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Well done Ronnie O' - Won his sixth Masters last night to hold the record jointly with Stephen Hendry! Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people: they hate bigotry Edited by Mobson, Jan 18 2016, 03:42 PM.
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| dai Cottomy | Feb 19 2016, 02:40 PM Post #321 |
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I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. |
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| Mobson | Mar 10 2016, 03:08 PM Post #322 |
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Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are. |
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| dai Cottomy | Mar 17 2016, 08:31 PM Post #323 |
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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. |
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| waiting4atickle | Mar 19 2016, 01:34 AM Post #324 |
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He was a man of many talents, but never had two shekels to rub together. |
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| Mobson | Mar 20 2016, 01:59 PM Post #325 |
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I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. exercise time...
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| dai Cottomy | Nov 16 2016, 12:03 PM Post #326 |
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Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. |
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| Mobson | Nov 24 2016, 12:12 PM Post #327 |
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals? He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed. |
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| dai Cottomy | Dec 1 2016, 12:12 PM Post #328 |
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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only slightly off-colour. |
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| May-Cee | Jan 12 2017, 08:40 PM Post #329 |
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What's an occasional table the rest of the time? |
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| dai Cottomy | Jan 13 2017, 02:31 PM Post #330 |
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already. |
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| waiting4atickle | Mar 16 2017, 10:19 PM Post #331 |
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When we first got a universal remote control unit I thought, "This changes everything." |
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| Mobson | Mar 17 2017, 02:56 AM Post #332 |
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. |
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| dai Cottomy | Mar 27 2017, 02:02 PM Post #333 |
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It’s good to be here… but at my age, it’s good to be anywhere. |
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| May-Cee | Apr 15 2017, 01:42 PM Post #334 |
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it? (Bill Hicks) |
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| dai Cottomy | Apr 23 2017, 01:17 PM Post #335 |
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This snap election really doesn't give Vladimir Putin very long to get organised. It really is rather unfair. Twitter comment |
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| May-Cee | Apr 24 2017, 12:38 PM Post #336 |
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Popping in with two quick pop ones HER: You care more about 80s pop music than you do about me, so you do. HIM: Come on Eileen! PUNTER: Have you got that Stan Ridgway single, "Camouflage"? ASSITANT: I know it's around here somewhere... |
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| dai Cottomy | May 24 2017, 04:17 PM Post #337 |
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Don't just do something; sit there. Buddha |
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| dai Cottomy | Jul 14 2017, 11:53 AM Post #338 |
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“Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.” H.L.Mencken |
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| May-Cee | Aug 14 2017, 09:33 PM Post #339 |
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When all else fails, read the instructions. |
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| Mobson | Aug 18 2017, 04:49 AM Post #340 |
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When all else fails, switch it off and on again! |
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| dai Cottomy | Aug 22 2017, 06:00 PM Post #341 |
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Multitasking means making a cock-up of several things at once. |
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| rumbaba | Aug 22 2017, 07:22 PM Post #342 |
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I don't approve of LGBT. Salad on a bacon sandwich is just wrong, even if it is granary. |
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| Mobson | Aug 28 2017, 05:20 AM Post #343 |
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I'm rubbish with names...it's a condition...there's a name for it! |
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| dai Cottomy | Sep 3 2017, 09:27 PM Post #344 |
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A lot of older people wonder if there will be life after death. There is, of course – it just won’t involve them. |
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| Douglas | Sep 3 2017, 11:50 PM Post #345 |
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Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent. R. D. Laing |
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| dai Cottomy | Sep 10 2017, 01:25 AM Post #346 |
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Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. |
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| dai Cottomy | Sep 20 2017, 05:05 PM Post #347 |
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The fundamental cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt. Bertrand Russell |
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| Douglas | Sep 21 2017, 04:22 PM Post #348 |
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Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. Passed on to me without attribution. |
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| dai Cottomy | Oct 5 2017, 11:58 PM Post #349 |
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None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free Johannes Goethe |
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| Mobson | Oct 6 2017, 02:42 AM Post #350 |
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They say you are what you eat but I do not remember eating a goddess.
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| Douglas | Oct 11 2017, 03:36 PM Post #351 |
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We have been assured that the Cabinet is behind Mrs May, but how many of them are carrying knives ? My 'Letter to the Editor' in The Daily Telegraph today. Edited by Douglas, Oct 11 2017, 03:36 PM.
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| Mobson | Oct 14 2017, 04:43 AM Post #352 |
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Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day. |
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| Douglas | Oct 14 2017, 10:52 AM Post #353 |
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Hard work's not easy and easy work's hard to find. |
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| Mobson | Oct 28 2017, 11:19 AM Post #354 |
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One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… 'Ah well, you only live once.' |
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| dai Cottomy | Oct 28 2017, 12:25 PM Post #355 |
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“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.” Tim Vine |
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| waiting4atickle | Oct 29 2017, 06:21 PM Post #356 |
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I like your opera. I think I will set it to music. Beethoven |
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| Douglas | Oct 29 2017, 06:32 PM Post #357 |
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"His father was somebody; but who he was, no-one knew" Snozzle Durante |
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| dai Cottomy | Oct 31 2017, 02:11 PM Post #358 |
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I don't approve of political jokes...too many of them get elected.
Edited by dai Cottomy, Nov 1 2017, 01:41 PM.
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| dai Cottomy | Nov 6 2017, 06:53 PM Post #359 |
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"Without something to hate, life would turn to a stagnant pool" William Hazlitt |
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| waiting4atickle | Nov 14 2017, 06:10 PM Post #360 |
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"He's a good Foreign Secretary" David Davies (on Boris) - well, it made me laugh. ![]() Edited by waiting4atickle, Nov 14 2017, 06:11 PM.
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| dai Cottomy | Nov 17 2017, 02:40 AM Post #361 |
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. |
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| Douglas | Nov 17 2017, 02:36 PM Post #362 |
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On seeing a very obese woman and her husband the other day, I found myself misquoting the Beatles. Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixteen stone ? |
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| Mobson | Nov 28 2017, 12:46 PM Post #363 |
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If its true love Douglas...the answer is a BIG FAT "YES" ... ... Ha ha!
Edited by Mobson, Nov 28 2017, 12:47 PM.
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| waiting4atickle | Nov 28 2017, 03:47 PM Post #364 |
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I think I'm much more humble than you would understand. Donald Trump |
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| Mobson | Nov 29 2017, 12:48 PM Post #365 |
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"I mean, part of the beauty of me is that I'm very rich" Donald Trump |
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| dai Cottomy | Nov 30 2017, 09:00 PM Post #366 |
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A headmaster received a form asking him to list his staff broken down by age and sex. "All of them," he replied. |
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| May-Cee | Nov 30 2017, 09:53 PM Post #367 |
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Similar theme... AUDITOR: How many people work in this company? BOSS: About half. |
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| dai Cottomy | Dec 30 2017, 03:58 PM Post #368 |
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"Adolescent love feels like exquisite self-indulgence. Long-term love feels like a warm bath that needs a trickle of extra hot water every now and then." Griff Rhys Jones |
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| waiting4atickle | Dec 31 2017, 02:12 AM Post #369 |
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If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman about to hear him... is he still wrong? |
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| dai Cottomy | Jan 6 2018, 11:47 AM Post #370 |
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My Dad used to say: "Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood." |
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| Mobson | Jan 24 2018, 12:48 PM Post #371 |
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I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you. |
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| dai Cottomy | Jan 27 2018, 12:22 PM Post #372 |
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I've just turned vegan. It was a big missed steak. |
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| Mobson | Feb 12 2018, 06:53 PM Post #373 |
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The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense. |
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| dai Cottomy | Feb 18 2018, 12:35 PM Post #374 |
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Just because you aren't paranoid doesn.t mean they aren't out to get you. |
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| dai Cottomy | Feb 21 2018, 06:36 PM Post #375 |
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The phone rang this morning. A voice said " Hi - Twitter's down. Could you just tell me what you had for breakfast?" |
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| dai Cottomy | Feb 22 2018, 11:19 AM Post #376 |
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Yes I quite understand..... NURSE! |
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| Mobson | Feb 23 2018, 06:45 PM Post #377 |
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Where do zombies like to go swimming? The Dead Sea. |
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| dai Cottomy | Mar 13 2018, 06:10 PM Post #378 |
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What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause and the end of a clause. |
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| Douglas | Mar 13 2018, 08:47 PM Post #379 |
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"Why are politicians like babies' nappies ? Because they should be changed often, and for the same reason." The late Sir Ken Dodd as quoted in a letter to today's Daily Telegraph. Edited by Douglas, Mar 13 2018, 08:49 PM.
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| Douglas | Mar 13 2018, 08:50 PM Post #380 |
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Phil Hammond thinks he now sees light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train coming the other way. |
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| dai Cottomy | Mar 14 2018, 03:27 PM Post #381 |
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I like life… it's something to do. |
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| dai Cottomy | Mar 14 2018, 05:59 PM Post #382 |
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Life would be tragic if it wasn't funny. Stephen Hawking |
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| Douglas | Mar 28 2018, 05:43 PM Post #383 |
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When a Scotsman was asked "Is there anything worn under the kilt?", he replied "No,madam. I can assure you it is all in perfect working order." |
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| Douglas | Mar 29 2018, 11:48 PM Post #384 |
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"My Church accepts all denominations, fivers, tenners, twenties." Dave Allen |
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| Mobson | Apr 1 2018, 09:49 AM Post #385 |
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Hobnobs are like the marines. You dip a Hobnob and they go, 'Again, again! |
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| Douglas | Apr 1 2018, 10:28 AM Post #386 |
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I met a man who thought he was allergic to leather. Every morning he woke with his boots still on he had a blinding headache.
Edited by Douglas, Apr 1 2018, 10:29 AM.
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| Mobson | Apr 3 2018, 11:26 AM Post #387 |
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Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer! 💷💷💷💷💷💷💷💷💷
Edited by Mobson, Apr 3 2018, 11:52 AM.
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| May-Cee | Apr 19 2018, 09:54 AM Post #388 |
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In recent years the world of drugs has been tainted by its association with sport. (I heard that on a trailer for R4 comedy. It's the Welsh guy Rhod, whose surname I forget.) |
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| dai Cottomy | Apr 19 2018, 06:47 PM Post #389 |
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May-CeeThat is along the paradoxical lines of "work is the curse of the drinking classes" - Oscar Wilde. (your chappie is called Rhod Gilbert) Edited by dai Cottomy, Apr 19 2018, 06:50 PM.
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| May-Cee | Apr 20 2018, 09:52 AM Post #390 |
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Yep, that's the fella! As a Dubliner, your quote reminds me of the Brendan Behan one: "I'm a drinker with a writing problem." |
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| Douglas | Apr 23 2018, 04:29 PM Post #391 |
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I saw this today on the back of an SUV I'M NOT DRUNK I'm avoiding potholes |
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| Mobson | Apr 25 2018, 08:57 AM Post #392 |
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." |
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| dai Cottomy | Apr 25 2018, 12:19 PM Post #393 |
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“I saw a documentary on how ships are put together. It was riveting!." |
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| Mobson | Apr 30 2018, 10:31 AM Post #394 |
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On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight? |
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| Douglas | May 1 2018, 05:48 PM Post #395 |
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She was only the greenkeeper's daughter but she was a dandelion on the grass
Edited by Douglas, May 1 2018, 05:49 PM.
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| Mobson | May 2 2018, 12:05 PM Post #396 |
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Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."
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| Douglas | May 2 2018, 05:07 PM Post #397 |
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She was only the colonel's daughter but she knew what Reggie meant. |
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| Mobson | May 3 2018, 12:19 PM Post #398 |
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As it's Local Election day... I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. Edited by Mobson, May 3 2018, 12:19 PM.
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| dai Cottomy | May 7 2018, 01:38 PM Post #399 |
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So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" |
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| Mobson | May 10 2018, 11:04 PM Post #400 |
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Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days... |
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Well done Ronnie O' - Won his sixth Masters last night to hold the record jointly with Stephen Hendry!

7:03 AM Jul 13