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Topic Started: Oct 13 2012, 06:27 PM (6,970 Views)
Norm Deplume
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Deep philosophical truth







Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew
facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought
about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting
kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and
here is the reason for my conclusion . A year or so after giving
birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another
child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I
think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.


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tafkaj

Never mind your case - it sounds like you need to rest your nuts, Norm!
Edited by tafkaj, Oct 23 2012, 02:51 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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A Polish guy walks in to specsavers and the optician says to him "can you read the bottom line on that board ?"
The Polish guy says "can I read it ? I know him".
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dai Cottomy
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My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I chose the last two weeks in August.
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tafkaj

Have you tried the new sushi restaurant at Gatwick Airport? The portions are very generous, but everything tastes so luggagy!

[Milton Jones]
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rumbaba
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Barter is very common at car boot sales these days, with cash being short. I took along some old paperbacks last week and a guy with a vegetable stall suggested a trade. I though 'that's a turnip for the books'
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waiting4atickle
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There must be a good riposte to that involving "this we don't want", but I can't think of one.

Here's something that was forwarded to me today. (Sorry about the capital letters - I don't mean to shout, but I can't be bothered to reformat it.)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARKHIGH SCHOOL ..
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

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waiting4atickle
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Not sure where to post this; perhaps it should go on the WOM thread.

Posted Image

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Norm Deplume
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At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"





"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Roy."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Roy."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE…………

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t
Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 8 2012, 04:40 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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A Smile On Monday

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would
turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair
reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie,
will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you"
Mr. Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
brothel smells like".


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dai Cottomy
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What was its name?

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visulization, association; it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

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madfor4

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
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tafkaj

waiting4atickle
Dec 7 2012, 06:50 PM
... Sorry about the capital letters - I don't mean to shout, but I can't be bothered to reformat it ...
Copy or cut and paste into Word, select all the text, press SHIFT+F3. This will cycle through lower case, upper case and 'proper'* case. You could put it into lower case then just capitalise where necessary.

* Microsoft refer to Proper case when each word begins with a capital letter.
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Norm Deplume
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This will warm your heart.........

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food,


and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.


And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"



Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"



Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it all wrong? Is God cross with me?"



As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.



He winked at my grandson and said,
"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."



"Really?" my grand-son asked.



"Cross my heart," the man replied.



Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."



Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My
Grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember for
the rest of my life.



He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front
of the woman.
With a big smile he told her,






"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your arse you grumpy old bitch! "


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waiting4atickle
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<laugh> <laugh> <laugh> <laugh>

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Norm Deplume
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Note on the Fridge Door



My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset

I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference, 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime next week.


Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 12 2012, 12:49 PM.
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waiting4atickle
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A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending to ransack, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"




















To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

Edited by waiting4atickle, Dec 18 2012, 10:02 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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My mate asked if I fancied a pint.
I replied, "Hang on, I'm making up this calendar. Then again though, if I don't finish it, it won't be the end of the world".
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tafkaj

Norm, your wonderful grandson gag, apart from having me in stitches, reminded me of a friend whose son had been having trouble with one particular player in an inter-school football match. At the end of the game his father was worried his son might not shake his nemesis's hand, as is required by his school. Being rather cool - and a very good footballer, I might add - he did shake the hand of the 'hoofer' when the final whistle blew. Unfortunately my friend (his father) heard him say: "In a few years' time, stop me in the street and I'll buy a Big Issue off you" ...

Genius!
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tafkaj

This was one of Stephen Fry's on last night's QI:

Q. How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Two - one to screw in the bulb and one to hold the cock ... Father! ... LADDER!!!
Edited by tafkaj, Dec 22 2012, 12:08 PM.
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madfor4


Up in Yorkshire.......

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a
typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'


The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says,



'Had him circumcised...'


__._,_.___









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madfor4

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
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waiting4atickle
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<laugh> <laugh>

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Norm Deplume
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Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to
the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would
like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas.
I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are
all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little
worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa
wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I
think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by
you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn
this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that
a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a
year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I
remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a
guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal
action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my
attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister
Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in
open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only
improve your health, but also improve your social skills and
potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the
Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting
to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into
this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and
we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game
console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the
world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger
wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're
awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have
at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world
and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd
throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's
basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still
stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry.



Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *

Timmy,
That's what I thought you little ba**ard.
Santa

Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 26 2012, 12:55 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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Side Effects


A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.


THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN SHE DIED.



SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED




Edited by Norm Deplume, Dec 31 2012, 03:33 PM.
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madfor4

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties, had never been married and was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room and invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned, with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

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Norm Deplume
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AN OLD GUY SENT THIS EMAIL TO ALL IN HIS 'CONTACTS' LIST


Something to look forward to..................................

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY
Edited by Norm Deplume, Jan 5 2013, 09:45 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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At the end of the "Today" programme on Radio 4 recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games - the cheapest £60 and £100 per game is common.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstile at West Ham United to be told, "That will be 10 Quid, mate."

"What!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"The guy on the turnstile said, "Not for 45 minutes each way you couldn't - and a brass band at half time!"

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madfor4

Norm Deplume
Jan 10 2013, 09:32 PM

At the end of the "Today" programme on Radio 4 recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games - the cheapest £60 and £100 per game is common.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstile at West Ham United to be told, "That will be 10 Quid, mate."

"What!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"The guy on the turnstile said, "Not for 45 minutes each way you couldn't - and a brass band at half time!"

I remember when, for £10, you could buy the whole bloody West Ham team....The season before last, if memory serves.... <whistles>
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Mobson
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<ok> <laugh>
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Norm Deplume
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The Woman's Fortune Teller




In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"











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Norm Deplume
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A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'


















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Norm Deplume
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Bloke from Barnsley , with piles, asks chemist,

"Nah then, lad, does tha sell arse cream ?
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

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dai Cottomy
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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, 'I will then give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

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tafkaj

<laugh> <laugh> <laugh>

... And a 20kg bag of rice! <laugh>
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Norm Deplume
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Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo
with blood pouring from them..
"B*ll*ks to that" said Paddy
"That's the last time I go lion dancing"
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becky sharp
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Talking of In/Out ...

The Hokey Cokey

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and then the trouble started.
Edited by becky sharp, Jan 23 2013, 02:05 PM.
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waiting4atickle
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Shame about that, but at least Joe Miller is still going strong.

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madfor4

RETIRED PERSON HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

And

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.



Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to
play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .
. .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????
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becky sharp
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madfor4
Jan 26 2013, 09:34 AM
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????
I'm not sure .. :'( ...you might have ... :D
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madfor4

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I Am.............

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madfor4

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o--

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

---o0o---

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o-

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o-

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

---o0o-

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---o0o-

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o-

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

---o0o-

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o-

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
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Norm Deplume
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After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $60,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 74-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.




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madfor4


Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove
their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his
private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put
her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at
her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

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waiting4atickle
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Not really a joke <laugh> but I've just been emailed this and thought it might strike a chord with some of the ladies here.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

...................................................................................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember… over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support


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Mobson
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The Human Body:

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women: will be finished reading this by now.

Men: are still busy checking their thumbs..... <happy>
Edited by Mobson, Feb 22 2013, 12:16 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”


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madfor4

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman,
says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers and, therefore, he has to charge £10.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 bras

He returns a few days later and this time orders 50. Thinking to make even more money the Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him £15.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for £20.00 each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for £30.00 each."





...and this is why the Chinese own us!

Business is Business!




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becky sharp
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Norm Deplume
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A Birthday Reminder

Monica Lewinsky is now 50. Can you believe it?
It seems like only the other day that she was crawling around The White House on her hands and knees putting everything in her mouth.
Don't they really grow up quickly?
Edited by Norm Deplume, Apr 2 2013, 06:44 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ."

I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"



He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."
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madfor4


An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand pounds!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No”.

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”

The policemen turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”

The first police officer turned to the other and said, “C'mon, we’re outta here!”



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Norm Deplume
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THE BLONDE AND THE COW"

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple." she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The Blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.



























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madfor4

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory
is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and
that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that
100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

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Norm Deplume
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A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in the garden of a retirement home

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

Edited by Norm Deplume, May 5 2013, 10:09 AM.
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Norm Deplume
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INTERESTING OBSERVATION .......


1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is SOCCER.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BASKETBALL.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY .

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.


5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....



6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:





















The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in the Government playing.....MARBLES
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Norm Deplume
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Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It does get pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he worked out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.



Love, Billy.



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Norm Deplume
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The longer you've been married, the funnier (& more true) this becomes!


An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching
back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally
said:


For goodness sake Joe, leave it on the porn channel, you already know know to fish!


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Mobson
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<ok> ...must send that one to my husband! <laugh>

New family moved in next door last week...Bloke knocked on the door asked "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for the sitting room.".... '13' I said. Thanks he said and left. A week later he came back... "I've got 3 rolls left" he said...."So have I" ...I said.
Edited by Mobson, May 16 2013, 12:35 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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<brickwall> Been there! Done that!
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madfor4

In the USA a man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks
Called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied, "No health insurance."

"Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters; nuns are married to God."

"Great!" said the patient, "Just send the Bill to my brother-in-law"....
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dai Cottomy
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Iain Duncan-Smith is in a 'stable' condition after a pensioner returned his bus pass in person.


Surgeons hope to extract it tomorrow.
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rumbaba
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<ok> <laugh>
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Norm Deplume
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DOWNTON ABBEY

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson," said his Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on"
"What word is that?" asked his Lordship.
"Aplomb, my Lord."
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer, Carson. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, my Lord. It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember that Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs."
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, ‘Darling does your prick still throb?’ You, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! That is aplomb!"
























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Mobson
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... <laugh> <tiphat>
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Norm Deplume
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Thank You, Dear heart. <dove>
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madfor4

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ....
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery in to Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking

__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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madfor4

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, ?5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in parts of the UK (especially Norfolk), Australia and Tasmania
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waiting4atickle
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<laugh>

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Mobson
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ditto ... <laugh>
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Norm Deplume
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They don't write 'em like that anymore, the old ones are always the best.
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Norm Deplume
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If My Body Were a Car!



If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus
and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it,

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,



Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires




















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madfor4

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off when he shaves himself because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him
to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

"But", he said, "How would you manage if I'd swallowed that little ball?"

The barber replied, "Just wash it and bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
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tafkaj

I noticed this on page 21 of The Week (issue 926) today. It refers to it as an "old joke" that appeared in last weekend's Sunday Times (which I can't stand any more so don't read) but I hadn't heard it before:

An ambitious young solicitor, finding himself unexpetedly at the gates of heaven, protests to St Peter. “how can I be dead?” he asks. “I’m only 32.” St Peter consults his notes, but is unmoved. “We just totted up the amount of hours you billed to your clients,” he explains. According to our figures, you’re 395.”
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Norm Deplume
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The Indian With One Testicle



A story with a moral…





There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone..


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name, until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

You're going to love this !!!








Everyone knows
You can't kill two Birds with OneStone!!!



Edited by Norm Deplume, Jul 1 2013, 07:27 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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Message from Her Majesty The Queen, on this Day of Independence.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:


In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

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Norm Deplume
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A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them,

'We have a special requirement for new member couples

. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.

We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.'

The young man replied sadly

The priest asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.



The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.



However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....

anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there

. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex.

It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either.'


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Norm Deplume
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Elsie and Tom

Elsie and Tom had both been in their retirement care home for about the same time.
They found that they got on well together and after a while a loving relationship transpired.
Each day they would walk through the extensive garden of the home until they got to their favourite seat where they would sit and have a chat and a little cuddle and then walk back again.This went on for a couple of weeks then one day Ethel said to Tom, "Is there anything special that you would like me to do for you?" Tom replied, "Well there is one thing that I would like, Can you just hold my...'you know what'... in your hand?" Ethel was only too pleased to oblige and that's how their meetings went for several weeks.

One day Ethel was waiting in the lounge at the usual time for Tom to appear but there was no sign of him. She thought that he may have gone on ahead to their special seat in the garden so she went out looking for him. As she got closer to the seat she saw Tom sitting there with another resident called Maude, she was furious and hurried toward the seat where she saw Tom with a silly grin on his face and his 'you know what' in Maude's hand..
She yelled at Tom and asked him what he was up to and then asked" What has this woman got that I haven't?
Still with the silly grin he replied "PARKINSON'S" <hug>



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becky sharp
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Where did you get that football?

Two boys were playing with a new football in the road outside their house.
"Hey,"' shouted their mother, "where did you get that football?"
"We found it," replied one of the boys.
"Are you sure it was lost?" asked the mother.
"Yes," replied the boy, "we saw some people looking for it."'
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Norm Deplume
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Watch this, it will have you in hysterics


http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Uv2fVaHSISw
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Norm Deplume
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Jewish Mothers




MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"



CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."



MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?
Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"



NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"



ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"



GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!



THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"



PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"



ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"



MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"



BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"



BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica.






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dai Cottomy
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Conversation over dinner:

A husband asks his wife, "Darling, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I suppose I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I suppose he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us £2000. It's going to last a long time, so I suppose he would."

"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house and slept in our bed, would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
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dai Cottomy
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this one's a bit shorter


My new whisky diet is brilliant, I've lost 3 days already.
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Norm Deplume
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Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of
people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both are Fatal.

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dai Cottomy
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While Christmas shopping, a lady loses her husband in John Lewis and panics a bit, so she phones him on her mobile. "Where are you, I've been looking everywhere ! " He answers - " Do you remember that jewellers we went to five years ago when you fell in love with that diamond brooch, and I said we couldn't afford it?
"Oh John ! Yes I do ! "

"Well, I'm in the pub next door ."
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chocster

!0 catholic priests find themselves at pearly gates. St peter, sates that any peadophiles, and you know who you are, will not be allowed in and they might as well leave right now. Nine of them, mutter and head back, leaving one behind. St peter looks at him and shouts "And take this deaf bastard with you".

I am playing it by ear here, but I am sure there were slightly 'risque' jokes told before.
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tafkaj

It was so cold around Chester last week that when I ordered a taxi to take me into the city I ended up in Chichester.

[Thanks to Milton Jones.]
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Norm Deplume
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For those who listen to the BBC 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best.

Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate".
"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
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Norm Deplume
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male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"





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tafkaj

<laugh> <laugh> <laugh>
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Norm Deplume
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The Wit Of Phyllis Diller


Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller



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waiting4atickle
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Good stuff, Norm. <ok>


An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

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waiting4atickle
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Cameron and Clegg are on a plane, Cameron looked at Clegg, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a £1,000 note out of the window right now and make somebody happy." Clegg shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten £100 notes out of the window and make ten people happy". Hearing their exchange, the pilot said to his co-pilot,"Such big-shots, I could throw both of them out of the window and make 30 million people ecstatic!"

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tafkaj

<laugh> Book those tickets quick!
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Mobson
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waiting4atickle
Jan 18 2014, 12:11 PM

Cameron and Clegg are on a plane, Cameron looked at Clegg, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a £1,000 note out of the window right now and make somebody happy." Clegg shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten £100 notes out of the window and make ten people happy". Hearing their exchange, the pilot said to his co-pilot,"Such big-shots, I could throw both of them out of the window and make 30 million people ecstatic!"

<laugh>
Edited by Mobson, Jan 18 2014, 06:54 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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A blonde boards an aeroplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to economy because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; so the stewardess gets the captain.

The captain goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in economy. The head stewardess asks the captain in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. He replies: "I told her the front half of the aeroplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
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waiting4atickle
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<laugh>

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Norm Deplume
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"
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Norm Deplume
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A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.
The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"









A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.
The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
















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dai Cottomy
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Two men meet on the street. One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?" The other one replies: "I'm fine, thanks." "And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?" "Yes, he is. But he is meditating now." "Meditating? What's that?" "I don't know. But it's better than sitting around doing nothing!"

Edited by dai Cottomy, Feb 10 2014, 04:29 PM.
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