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Topic Started: Oct 13 2012, 06:27 PM (6,971 Views)
Norm Deplume
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Deep philosophical truth







Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew
facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought
about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting
kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and
here is the reason for my conclusion . A year or so after giving
birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another
child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I
think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.


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Norm Deplume
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FEMALE ADULT EDUCATION CLASSES AT ... COLLEGE EDINBURGH.

COURSE TUTORS : HARRY BURNS AND NEW OAP, WITH BUS PASS GORDON BARR.







I offered this to Norma(Mrs Norm).
They say that I will be out of hospital in a week or so and that none of my injuries are life threatening








Winter Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE


REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday 7 February 2014

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past Marks & Spencer Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Tongs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -They Make Medicine for PMT - and How To Use It!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Drive Safely - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.



NEW Class 13.

At a dance or pub. How to go to the toilet by yourself.

Meets 12 weeks on Saturdays at 9.00pm.

Gives hubby a bit o peace on a Saturday night so he can drink beer and fart and watch the fitba .

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.




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dai Cottomy
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The pros and cons of living in a flood plain...

Pro - Great way to meet new neighbours.
Con - Their junk keeps floating into your bedroom.

Pro - Washing dishes just got easier.
Con - All the grub is under water, too.

Pro - Fishing from a couch right in your living room.
Con - Your couch doesn't float.

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Norm Deplume
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B.B.C. News headline:-

"Lost Balloonist Remains Found"

Edited by Norm Deplume, Feb 20 2014, 01:11 PM.
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tafkaj

I recall this 'headline' gag from Rich Hall, seen in an Irish newpaper ...

CORK MAN DROWNS.

(His name was Bob.)
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Norm Deplume
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A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, Was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T’would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it’s okay.

"I’ll paint ya in da nude alright, but I has to at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."....................

--------------------------------------
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dai Cottomy
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A drunk bloke walks past a man repairing a car.
"What's up?" says the drunk.
"Piston broke", says the mechanic.
"Ha ha" answers the drunk, "Me too!"
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waiting4atickle
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said...'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here...










...I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

Edited by waiting4atickle, Apr 5 2014, 01:42 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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An elderly couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife

was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we

were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back

to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he

reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.Thirty seconds later

she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got

out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.













"To get my teeth!" he replied.
Edited by dai Cottomy, Apr 8 2014, 11:57 PM.
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waiting4atickle
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<laugh>

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Mobson
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<ok> <laugh>
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Norm Deplume
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Italian Confession.


An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors’. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''


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dai Cottomy
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Don't Despair

While sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Abigail opened a letter from home and found a £10 note inside. As she was reading the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below.
She quickly wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Abigail" on a piece of paper, wrapped it around the £10 pound note and dropped it out the window.
The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The following day, Sister Abigail was told that a man was at the door insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without saying a word, he handed her a wad of banknotes
Puzzled, she asked, "What's this?"
"That's the sixty quid you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one!

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Norm Deplume
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Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through

the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Edited by Norm Deplume, Apr 19 2014, 06:30 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in Retirement.



1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!

2. On all your check stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy,we are going to have to let one of you go.'

9.. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: my favorite -

10. Go to a large Department Store’'s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “'THERE'S NO PAPER IN HERE”!'










!





















Edited by Norm Deplume, Apr 27 2014, 11:02 AM.
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Norm Deplume
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A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.
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Norm Deplume
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Paddy shouts frantically into the phone


"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

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Mobson
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<laugh> ...bet that's actually happened :wub:
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Norm Deplume
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It's no joke!
Edited by Norm Deplume, May 9 2014, 03:55 PM.
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Norm Deplume
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The WashingtonPost has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n.An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.







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tafkaj

You should have put those on the Uxbridge English Dictionary thread, Norm ... And I'm sure some of them have appeared on ISIHAC in the past.
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Norm Deplume
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https://mg.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f9229535%5fAKso5C4AABYIU5BgTQAAAD30vf0&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeo
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waiting4atickle
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Norm Deplume
Jun 5 2014, 02:15 PM

I think you'll need to copy and paste that, Norm.

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Mobson
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I couldn't get it either Norm...
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dai Cottomy
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
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Norm Deplume
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https://mg.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f9229535%5fAKso5C4AABYIU5BgTQAAAD30vf0&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeo
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Norm Deplume
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Hi folks, I did copy and paste it and it comes up fine on my PC
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waiting4atickle
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I meant copy and paste the text, Norm, not the address. That comes up fine on your PC because it's from your email account, which, you'll be pleased to know, we can't access.

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Norm Deplume
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Sorry folks this comes as a sort of cartoon and the text will not copy on its own.
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Norm Deplume
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WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.










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waiting4atickle
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left one letter out of her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are able to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

Edited by waiting4atickle, Nov 7 2014, 10:49 PM.
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Mobson
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<laugh> <devi>;; wicked!
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waiting4atickle
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Posted Image

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dai Cottomy
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As an aeroplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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Mobson
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<angel> <laugh>
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dai Cottomy
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I had a difficult childhood - the other kids used to cover me in chocolate and cream and stick a cherry on my head.

Life was tough in the gateau.
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Mobson
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<laugh> <laugh> <laugh>
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dai Cottomy
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A Cumbrian farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to try to get him back".
The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing.
"What did you write in the ad?" asked his wife.

"Here boy," said the farmer.
Edited by dai Cottomy, Feb 26 2015, 01:28 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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A lion goes into a restaurant. The waiter comes over.

"And what would sir like for starters?"

"I'll have the salmon, please!"

"And for the Main?"

"Just bring me a comb."
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Mobson
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A guy goes into a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback because he doesn't recognise her and asks "Do you know me?"

She replies "I think you are the father of one of my kids"

He panics and thinks of the only time he was unfaithful to his wife and says "OMG!! Are you the stripper that was at my bachelor party that I put on the pool table whilst all of my buddies watched whilst you and your friend covered me with whipped cream and then licked it all off?"...

The woman looked at him with eyes wide, and responds "No I'm your son's math teacher!"....
Edited by Mobson, Feb 15 2016, 06:23 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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<laugh> <laugh> <laugh>
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dai Cottomy
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Bloke walks into his GP’s office with a mushroom in one nostril, a carrot in the other and a prawn in his ear.

"I think I see the problem," said the doctor. "You're not eating properly."
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Douglas
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Maggie was visiting Jeannie one afternoon.

Jeannie:- Will you stay for your tea? I've got some nice ox-tongue.

Maggie;- Thanks, but I couldn't eat anything that came out of a cow's mouth. Could you give me a poached egg?
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dai Cottomy
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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mum was talking about her side of the family."
Edited by dai Cottomy, Sep 25 2016, 06:04 PM.
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May-Cee

HER: I'm sorry, John, but it's over. I thought I loved you but you're too obsessed with 80s pop music. You care more about 80s pop than you do about me.

HIM: Come on, Eileen!
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dai Cottomy
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Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.”
The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked.
“They’re people just like you – your equals.”
“Forget it,” retorted the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of crooks.”
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dai Cottomy
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" 'Discarded underclothing points to vicar's infidelity' - they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his vestry"....

From: 'Open All Hours'
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dai Cottomy
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A Mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be a Pharoah Rocher.
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waiting4atickle
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A friend of mine recently employed a cleaner from Eastern Europe. It took her 15 hours to vacuum the house! Turns out she's a Slovak.

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Caro

A couple from Zsa Zsa Gabor who died today:

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
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dai Cottomy
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Some more Zsa Zsa quotes:

“I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.”

“How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

“I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”
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Douglas
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I've come across this which I had saved about seven years ago.

A Last Request

In London an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The Houses of Parliament and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Brown commented to Darling,

"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected."

Darling agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brown's hand in his right hand and Darling's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Gordon Brown spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Brown.
"Amen", said Darling.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
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waiting4atickle
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<laugh>

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dai Cottomy
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Elementary, Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
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May-Cee

The scene:
Angela Merkel arriving at Orly airport, Paris

CUSTOMS OFFICER: Occupation?
MERKEL: No, just a visit.
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dai Cottomy
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<laugh>
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waiting4atickle
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Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... Women like that are hard to find."

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May-Cee

A few folk around here a bit down in the dumps (for understandable reasons).
Time for a Barry Cryer oldie.

North London on a May Saturday morning...

TOUT: Wanna buy a ticket for today's Cup Final? Only five hundred quid.

PUNTER: Five hundred quid? I could get the best hooker in London for that!

TOUT: But would you get forty-five minutes each way and a brass band in between?
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dai Cottomy
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A man with a newt on his shoulder walks into a bar.
‘Bartender! I’ll have a pint of your finest ale and a glass of orange juice for Tiny, please.’
The barman complies, and then says, ‘Why do you call him Tiny?’
Man replies, ‘Because he’s my newt.’
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waiting4atickle
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I haven't heard a joke in such bad taste as this one since the 'Come alive with Pepsi' joke, but it didn't half make me larf:-

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'



'So I just switched the heads.'

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rumbaba
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😂 jings
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dai Cottomy
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A drunk appears in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started!"
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dai Cottomy
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The inventor of the Hokey-Cokey died. They had a hard time closing the coffin because every time they

put his left leg in, the right leg would pop out.

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dai Cottomy
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The health secretary was being shown round a hospital. In one room he saw three poor souls gibbering apparent nonsense. “The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley,” one said. “O, wad some power the giftie gie us to see oursels as ithers see us,” said a second. “Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim’rous beastie,” added the third. The health secretary asked what affliction they had, to which the consultant replied: “Oh, this is our Burns Unit.”

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rumbaba
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😊
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Mobson
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<laugh>
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Douglas
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<laugh> Me too. <laugh>
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waiting4atickle
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An old lady with a cane was walking past a young man at a bus stop singing, "21 today, 21 today". The young man says, "You're not 21, you crazy old bat." She turns to him and, with a mighty swing, cracks him over his head with her cane, then walks away singing, "22 today, 22 today".

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dai Cottomy
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This man is suffering from extreme headaches so he goes to his doctor.
Man: Doctor I seem to be having these bad headaches and nothing I do seems to cure them.

Doctor: Well, one thing I always do to relieve my headaches is put my head between my wifes breasts and go prrrrrrrrrrrr with my lips.

Man: Thanks doc, I think I'll try it.
Two weeks pass and the man goes back to his doctor.

Doctor: Well, have your headaches cleared up?

Man: Yep, they have.. And by the way I love the wall paper in your bedroom

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waiting4atickle
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<laugh>

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Mobson
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<ok> <laugh> <laugh>
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Mobson
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Two tough women are walking home from the local bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One uses her panties to wipe herself, and the other uses a wreath off a head stone.

The next night their husbands meet up at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no panties last night."
The other one says "Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her ass saying "You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department."

...and this one

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!"
So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

End on story! <whistles>
Edited by Mobson, Feb 26 2018, 02:13 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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talking of weddings...at a wedding rehearsal, the groom took the priest on one side and offered him £100 if he’d miss out the word “obey” when it came to the “love, honour and obey” bit. The priest nodded and took the cash. But on the day, when it came to the words of the ceremony, the groom was shocked to hear the priest ask him: “Do you promise to grant her every wish, make her breakfast in bed every day, and never even look at another woman, so long as you both shall live?” “Yes,” says the groom with a gulp. Afterwards he goes and sees the priest. “I thought we had a deal!” he said accusingly. The priest gives the groom back his £100. “I’m afraid I had a better offer,” he replied
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Mobson
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<laugh>

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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dai Cottomy
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So I said to the man at the ticket desk: "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Johnny Depp"
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Mobson
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Funny...you should mention him...I'm just looking at latest pics of him and he's not looking good...lost an awful lot of weight and looks unhealthy to the point of severe illness...he's currently in Europe on tour with his band The Hollywood Vampires...and he's looking mighty pale and gaunt as hell...☹️

I'm talking about 54 year old Johnny Depp
Edited by Mobson, Jun 4 2018, 12:55 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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"Do you have pets?"

"Yes; a goldfish."

"hobbies?"

"Well actually, he really loves swimming."
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Mobson
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A man walks into a cafe with a goldfish under his arm
He asks the owner “do you sell fish cakes?”
The owner says "no"
The man says “That’s a shame. It’s his birthday today.”


Where do goldfish keep their money?
In the river bank.


One day, God speaks to Noah. “Noah”, he says, “I want you to build another Ark.”
“What, like the last one?” asks Noah.
“Yes,” replies God, “Except this time, I want it to have 10 decks.”
“And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like last time?’ asks Noah.
“No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it!”
Noah is a little puzzled. “Just fish?” he asks.
“Yes,” says God. “In fact, just carp.”
“Just carp? Why carp?” Noah quizzes.
“Well,” says God, “I’ve always wanted a multi-storey carp Ark!”


Why are goldfish easy to weigh?
They bring their own scales.


What is stranger than seeing a cat fish?
Seeing a goldfish bowl.


<laugh> I couldn't resist...there's this goldfish joke site!!!! <laugh>
Edited by Mobson, Jun 13 2018, 02:34 PM.
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dai Cottomy
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Man: What are you doing Saturday night?

Woman: Committing suicide

Man : What about Friday night?


Woody Allan
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dai Cottomy
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Trump: "The less immigrants we let in, the better"

Ivanka: "The fewer"

Trump: "Shhh - don't call me that in public yet"
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