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Skyler Thorne[Heero Yuy]; Inops Militia Major
Topic Started: Jul 4 2012, 09:54 PM (599 Views)
Heero Yuy
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I like trains
General Information

Name: Skyler Throne

Aliases: Sky

Age: 27

Gender: Female

Physical Appearance


Clothing: Skyler's clothes generally are the normal attire for an officer of high rank. She wears her military uniform practically all the time, unless she is going out to have fun. When that happens, she usually wears a dress, which she finds it's hard to match a dress with her eyes since they are two separate colors, but she deals with it. Her shoes consist of combat boots, heels, and tennis shoes. Occasionally, her other members will see her in jeans and a t-shirt, but this is very rare for her.

Personality: Skyler has two different sides of her. More often than not, you'll see one more often than the other. When she is on-duty, it's all about business. She will come off as brash and strict, especially if someone caused a mission to go wrong. When she is angry, she is more of a controlled rage type. She will get in your face and threaten you with the most twisted things that come to her head, but only loud enough for the intended victim of said threats hears it. She whispers it into your ear most of the time. She tells herself all the time that she has no need for a relationship, and tries to stick to that as best as she can. Now for her off-duty side. For this side of her, she is the friendliest person that people come across. She comes off as sweet and innocent, and is constantly messing with her hair. She does this actually for her own protection, as well as for the protection of her siblings. This is only seen around her family. When she is off-duty, it is your best chance to become friends with her.
History


Profession Information

Faction: Inops Militia

Rank: Major

Codename: Skylark

Goal: Avenge her fallen squadron

Weapon(s):
Three Ring Rapier

Posted Image

9mm Pistol

Posted Image

Brass Knuckles

Specialty: Swordplay and Hand-to-hand Combat

Pilot Information

Pilot Rank: B

Pilot Suit Appearance


Pilot Statistics

Physical: 9

Mental: 8

Heart: 7

Teamwork: 5

Awareness: 6

Equipment
Three Ring Rapier
9mm Pistol
Extra Clips (ten bullets in each)
Brass Knuckles (for when her sword isn't on her)
Other Information
Edited by Heero Yuy, Jul 24 2012, 10:53 PM.
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Heero Yuy
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I like trains
General Information
Valkinai Suit Name: Avenger
Valkinai Model: A-001
Valkinai IFF: UNF
Valkinai Appearance:
Spoiler: click to toggle

Valkinai Specialty: Swordplay
Other:

Specifications Information
Valkinai Type: Medium
Valkinai Generation: Late 3rd Gen
Weapons: Energy Scythe(pops out of right arm), Plasma Rifle(attached to the left shoulder), RPG(mounted to the right shoulder)
Special Abilities: Sensor Scrambler (Mk. 1)
Valkinai Rank: C
Valkinai Statistics (+15 Valk SP)
Power: 12
Speed: 10
Durability: 12
Range: 5
Energy: 6

Bonuses
Edited by Heero Yuy, Jul 24 2012, 11:07 PM.
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Heero Yuy
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I like trains
All done.......I think
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OmegaZero
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More Details on her Appearance. Maybe something about posture, skin condition, etc.

History should be longer.

Would be real nice to not have a.. What... Eighth sniper?

How much ammo does each gun have in a clip and, when you play, specify how many clips you have and stored where.

Her suit is put on her when she gets in the mech. How?
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Heero Yuy
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I like trains
Makes sense. Will add edits.
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Charnobyl
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Chan eil.
I have a small question... Her goal is to bring down the major factions for her family to live in peace... Inops is a completely neutral country and are barely affected by OS or UNF until the current storyline so... Your character wouldn't have that drive in her mind. It's not like your parents died because of them or anything. Also you've barely even mentioned any form of reaction of your character towards your parents' deaths.

Also, Inops Militia is a voluntary thing, they don't seek you out and house you just because. You have to find them, not the other way around. Also, where on earth would Inops house two elven year olds? As for the 30 battles thing... yeah, there won't have been THAT many fights. You're 27 not 50. Your General that is 33 has only ever been in about 12 battles and she's a frontal assault valk. Snipers would not see so much action.

Although while we're on the subject of snipers. I'd rather you did not have another sniper character as Olivia is already a sniper and I'm sick to death of there being nothing BUT snipers in this RP. Your valk actually looks to me to be more close to medium range anyway and you've also skimped on the description for the valk itself. You've mentioned the weapons are only long range but then you've not described them in the appearance.

I know you have limited time on the computer as well but that's no reason to skimp on details. I also need to ask if you're sure you can handle a third character with the limited time you have online.
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Heero Yuy
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In response, I'm not intentionally trying to skip out on details. I've still got some work to do. And yes I'm sure. I only have about a month before my limited time is over since school starts in September.
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Charnobyl
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Chan eil.
Temporarily voided at player's request.
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Heero Yuy
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I like trains
Alright. Let's try this again.

Edited by Heero Yuy, Jul 14 2012, 02:27 AM.
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Dragoknighte
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Alright, after skimming through the profile, just seeing what I could catch through without trying, I have some issues that you need to address before I even start to look at this thing in depth. First off, the layout of the descriptions. That probably needs to be changed a bit. I almost chewed you out for only having an image to describe something. Had I not rechecked multiple times I wouldn't have caught the text underneath. Either cut and paste the text so it's above the picture or simply remove the text from the spoiler. You don't actually have to do this, just my advice there.

The only other thing I need to talk to you about before I actually read through thoroughly is the matter of the extra clips. There are ten rounds each, but how many magazines do you have, and where are you keeping them? Now to the rest of the critique.

Appearance
 
Alright, it looks acceptable right now, but it could be improved. Does she have any defining features worth speaking of? A chipped tooth? Pronounced nose? Gap in the teeth? maybe one arm is bulkier than the other or slightly longer. Perhaps she has scoliosis. Something that would make Sky stand out. Nothing in this section required, but the description just feels kinda bare to me right now.


Clothing
 
Sure, this is fine. Moving on to more interesting topics.


Personality
 
First off, if I sound really nitpicky here, it's because I am and as a writer (admittedly one who should probably do so more often) this section as a whole made me want to edit the fruit out of it. First off, you misused the word blatant. Blatant means loud or obvious, the word you were probably thinking of was blunt.

Second, if this section is anything to go by, Sky's tomboyish personality is an informed attribute. You go to say she's a tomboy, yet continue through, talking about how she's "girly" off duty. In my experience, to be a tomboy, the girl in question acts like a boy from the all the time, possibly barring special occasions or something of that nature. Next I want to cover the other aspect of the informed attribute. What exactly makes her a tomboy? Does she simply play a lot of sports with guys and keeps up? Does she follow the Bro Code? And what exactly would make her "girly," when she acts that way? You said she brushes her hair all the time so it'd look good, but I had gotten the impression from the above section that she was the type that was picky about appearances, what with the wearing of the uniform everywhere and the dresses when actually going out. And caring about appearances doesn't necessarily make one girly.

Next up, how does she act on duty, it's kinda implied in a vague way that she acts somewhat cold, or at least very formal while on duty. Expand on that.

Now we reach the area that's been bothering me most here, you have this penchant for stating the obvious and the strange in this part. Like she doesn't have feelings for anyone? What the fruit? I did not need to know that. And it was pretty obvious considering:
a) She's in the military
and
b) She's not been introduced to the story at this point
Also, that information belongs in history. Not personality. As for the obvious, of coure if you're closer to them personally, you're closer to their professional side, that just common sense. What, would they be OMGtotalBFFs off duty, but then once they get to the field, she insults them with all her heart?

Now we get to the Dark Side of the Force. Anger. What's Sky like when she's angry? Is it hot or cold anger? Does she prefer not to follow through with her anger? Or does she harness it for UNLIMITED POWAAAAH(!)? Does she hold a grudge? And what does it actually take to piss her off? Something slight, like a playful insult, or is it the old shonen cliche of having her friends hurt? Or maybe it's something completely off the wall, like salt on watermelons? That's all I've got on this section, moving on.


History
 
Looks good for now. A small hole, plotwise here and there. The grammar and wording sound off and at some parts are just redundant. This only needs a few touch ups. My advice: introduce topics before you actually reference them. Like Sky's siblings, mention their names and her living arrangements immediately, it avoids making them seem slapped on. It's obvious those kids are pretty important to Sky's motives, so actually describing them and their relationship to their big sister would better reinforce that the kids aren't simply a plot device.

Also, details better flesh out the characters. Perhaps tell us what her parents actually did for a living, maybe describe her early childhood. And other than that I emphasize this, reread through this passage and fix the mistakes you made while typing this out initially. I guarantee you'll find many mistakes and will be able to improve the overall quality of the history if you go back and revise it. Also, wouldn't the higher ups in Inops who sent Sky after this package know about it?


Valkinai
 
Well...
1.Wouldn't Sky just be issued another Valk? She is a Major.
2.We've already said no to fingers for Coos and in the sake of fairness(unless I'm mistaken), I'll have to say you'll need to edit those out. However, you do have a much cooler option available to you. Have the blade of the scythe shoot out of the arm a la Scyther.

The rest is fine.


And that's what I have to say about this sheet for the time being.
Edited by Dragoknighte, Jul 14 2012, 09:36 PM.
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Heero Yuy
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I like trains
As far as her appearance goes, the only thing that makes her stand out is her hair. I'll keep working on it
Edited by Heero Yuy, Jul 15 2012, 03:53 AM.
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Dragoknighte
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That reply makes no sense.
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Heero Yuy
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I like trains
Yeah, my bad. I was on the tablet so I couldn't see very well. Was supposed to be about the appearance
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Heero Yuy
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I like trains
Ok, so I revamped the whole first paragraph, which caused me to type a second paragraph.
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Charnobyl
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Chan eil.
I'm fine with this. Someone care to give a secondary approval?
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